No. 326 Ponderance

Today I ponder what my life is like...today I pondered and reminisced how no longer my 3rd aunt would be with us. As I passed a cemetery that had a large gathering of people paying respects, I had a silent moment for myself and my aunt. I pondered that my aunt would not be sitting in my car, though I dreamt that she would be, on my left side in the back seat, probably fallen asleep by now...once someone said that the Chinese were efficient sleepers, and they were right. I pondered the thought that my aunt would never get to see or even know that I went to law school. She probably knew I would make it, or maybe she didn't. But I could never visit her and tell her that yes, my dream had come true. In a way I felt that I had traded her for law school. Something that I may have been unwilling to do, why her, though she was the oldest, it still seemed so unfair, to see and to know that my family would never be the same. That no longer we would all come together. No longer would they all sit at one table talking about the old times. No longer would my third aunt be there. A significant time...that longer we would be seated as a whole family. For that I am sad. I am sad that my aunts and uncles have left a sister. I am sad that it took her death to realize how important family is. I am sad that she was not fully made aware of her significance until her death. For these things I am sadden, and I am unsure that trading a death for an opportunity was ever appropriate. For this I ponder, and forever remember.