No. 324-how ironic...

Three stands for birth/life/youth
Two stands for ease/easy
Four stands for death

It is the last word that I write about today. I don't have any "dar" as in "gay dar" or "death dar." My premonitions come true, but it's never to myself, it's always to someone elses life...funny how life is...today, as I was sitting in my office with a co-worker eating our lunches. I decided to fast all morning. Partly do to my inability to get up and partly to be at one with my dying aunt because I knew she too had not eaten anything either, not because she wouldn't, but because she couldn't, in addition to my eating all the time over the weekend. I have many weaknesses and that was food, so by 2:20 when I had taken my lunch break, I really had to eat something. I always have backup food. Yogurt, pop-tarts, granola bars, jello pudding. Today, I choose to eat my jello chocolate pudding, not because it was something my aunt would have enjoyed, but because it was what I "wanted" as I was compelled to the company fridge. As I was thinking about how life was so ironic, how my aunt who had loved chocolate could not longer enjoy it, how money isn't worth anything anymore and couldn't help you through anything, especially in Canada where they give you free health care. As I enjoyed this pudding I thought back about this one time we all had lunch today. It was the lunch before my cousin's wedding. We had it at some ritzy hotel, a lunch buffet-I may even want to say it was Sunday, anyways, it was completely lost on my cousin (not the one getting married) and myself as we were too busy being obsessed about our MAC makeovers and Banana Republic dresses-we were I think in middle school-yes, who wears MAC and Banana Republic in middle school I don't know...but anyways, so as my cousin and I are sitting there and my aunt across from me, I realize this is just a joyous occasion. We found her nagging uncontrollable and the idea that she wanted to wear fur in mid summer ridiculous, but as I went through the buffet line and picked up that chocolate gauche cake for her, I thought nothing of it. May as well right, she's old and I can carry things easier than her. She was surprised I got it for her, needless to say, that was when her obsession with chocolate was made fully aware of mine and how she probably didn't have people do nice things for her often, and the fact that she loved sweet things-that relevation came when she ate my entire bottle of Canadian maple syrup-yes, all 6-8 oz of it during a week's trip at my house. I am glad I have happy memories of her, I am glad I didn't see her suffer as I had with previous deaths. It is always so hard and I always ask myself, why I am the one to share this moment with them, when it is meaningless,because I am not their son or daughter or their beloved brother. But today's moment of eating jello and my aunt's passing at the same time means so much to me, has so much subtext and context that no one will fully understand how different it will be when she's not sitting at the dinner table, or walking up the steps from her condo to sit by me in the car...even though she's always lean against me and fall asleep...I will forever miss you, and I still won't forget how you still call me fat and how you still wouldn't let me buy those glow sticks at that Leon concert, I'll never forget it, but i'll never forget you or the great times we had and I know you will not either.