No. 323 Death and the J-O-B

Jesus christ, it's been how many months since my last posting, but you know what friend, you are always there for me, in fact the only one, and so I write today, and use to I write for an audience, but now I write for the internet, I write to have it there, to have it there so that I can breath, that I can be my own, that I can be what the world deems me to be again.

Two things, work and death.

Let's start with death first. In the past I wrote about how someone was dying and that their kin were these horrible people who could care less, but the person dying loved them. I have no say in that and it was stupid of me to let myself get involved. I could care less, as long as the person dying thought it was ok, then why should I bother to think that your two pieces of shit are good people. Whatever, the point is this though, I ask myself, why can I not be emotionaless. Why can I be the pillar of strength-well I know why because no one looks up to me, but why can I just stand there as a person who is dying and just be there, why do I have to be on the verge of tears all the time? It really sucks. It's like why can I remove myself from life from the issue and just transcend into another place? Why? Why do I have to be all moppy and sad, and I mean no, i'm not sad that you are dying because I think you and I would both agree that you led a good life. I won't be sad for that. I won't be sad if I don't see you before you die because of two things:

1. You know and I know that I am not your favorite or will ever register to be one of your favorites. Remember, I am the daughter of the second son, someone completely irrevelant in the history of our family.
2. There are many personal attributes that you are digusted with because you parlay into the stereotypes like let me just give you an example, "fat people are lazy" therefore that is what you think I am.
3. I have realized that I cannot try to be what you want because I will never win. No matter what car I drive or what I do, it will never be good enough. And it's ok, because I don't have to prove anything to you because you meant nothing to me besides someone who was the first daughter of the family.

The thing i'm really sad about is this kind of signals the end of an era when slowly people start to die off. That really gets me. It's like I see the bigger picture and instead of being the hard ass I should be I cry and wilt like a little baby tulip that was smashed by the neighbor's dog. Honestly, it's like I tell myself, "pull your fucking self togther bitch you cannot do this to yourself or others." Oh also, it's good to be emotionaless because this is what Asians should be, but I am not:

1. We should be emotionaless because asians don't cry unless you are weak ever.
2. Asians should be smart but i'm on that borderline reject area, as in, i'm not smart, I just work hard and sometimes that isn't good enough you know despite what everyone tells you.

Also little known things that Asians thing, ok, more specific, Chinese people, or the ones that say they are quite "liberal" but really they're conservative...

1. So you aren't suppose to be emotionaless right, you also aren't suppose to like anyone of the same sex. I.E. there is no such thing as lesbians or gays because they only happen in sitcoms like Will and Grace. Ok, i'm not neither, but yea, I mean if I was, id' just have to pull a popstar Leslie because that's the only way out of a Chinese society.
2. There's no such thing as divorce because Chinese people don't get divorced EVER, and if they do, they are automatically the black sheep and it's a wonder how they survive without suicidal tendencies and if in the future you have money to compensate for the horrible thing you have done by divorcing, it still wont' be enough because yes, money is king, but that still doesn't excuse "divorce."

But whatever, my main issue with death or maybe issues is that why can't I take some sort of drug that numbs me, dumbs me down, I don't even care that I am stupid, I just want to feel nothing, I just want to feel monotone and like completely impartial. I want to be impartial to it all and it kind of makes me feel like would I be good in a certain profession because I care so much, I mean I care a lot, to the point where it's like it doesn't even fucking matter to you, it's like, why can't I just do my job with impartiality and live life that way too. Honestly, i'm not even sure?

Second, my job:

Ok, so upon a series of issues I was hinted that I should do the following:

1. Learn how to be honest when it counts and when it does not?
-I'm not even sure I know what this means, so it either means i'm way too honest and I shouldn't be because i'm pretty sure it doesn't mean "don't be honest" because yes, I think I am way too honest to some people, and they don't like to hear it, I guess that's a fault of mine. So yes, I will have to work to be unhonest and basically trick people in thinking they are getting their way, but am not...I don't even know what to say to this issue because the fact that I have to play a game, and that is life and I think it's beating me right now, so instead of being "honest" I really need to look at my best personal interest and work from there.

2. I also have to stop saying "I don't know" to people that are 30-35 years my senior, some collecting social security because in their 30-35 years of their job they still don't know what to do even though they do it every signal day and in fact it is my responsibility to have the answers. It's fucking bull shit but you know what, I will do it because I am a good person and probably i'm too "honest" in saying "I dno't know" and following it up with "I can find out for you" but apparently that is never good enough, so I guess this parlays into the honesty issue and that I should bull shit my way out of it and have a great answer people are happy with and then work from there. This is my note to self.

3. I should always look busy even when I dno't, so sorry that I am way too organized and sorry that I type 100 words per minute and I am sorry that it takes me 30 minutes to do something that it takes you 2 hours to too. I'm sorry i'm all about time management and stupid shit like that because it apparently got me no where and you sit in a corner office. So sorry, did I also mention that in that 30 minutes that I do something I dno't make that many mistakes and I still checked my work. Yea, apparently that is not good enough because it's suppose to take me 2 hours to do something, i'm suppose to only type 40 words per minute and i'm suppose to use the additional 1 hour to check my mother fucking work.

This is what I plan to do about this shit:

1. I am not going to be honest and I will not do things to benefit the customer, but myself and learn how to manuever the customer into thinking that they got the best response. Yes, I said it and that's how the game is played and this is how I am going to play it.

2. I'm not going to say I Don't know, and in fact, i'll just say, "ooo, let me find out for you and run away" that's what I am going to do. Because if you ask me and I don't know, I'll give you a b.s. something issue that makes you think I answered your question, but I really didn't and walk away. I think that's what my last person was so good at. He was good at the bs and that's what got him so far. I need to learn that because like I said, hard work isn't always rewarded.

3. I am also just going to do things slower and be counter productive because apparently I am too productive. Yes, the irony of life.

4. Also, it's about presenting yourself as someone said and how someone perceives you. You can also change how someone perceives you like a flip of a dime or whatever. I don't believe that, but you know what, no more this bull shit. I am either going to a. make you hate me b. make you respect me. or c. still make you think of me the same. This is my route, I am going to give you the runaround all the time and give you the impartial answer that leads to your own decision. I will wear wahtever I fucking want now including $125 shirts and yes, i'll even have $1,000 worth of jewelry, why, because I can and because I am going to. I don't fucking care anymore to "be your friend." That time is over. I am doing this for myself and only myself becuase in the end there is no team, there is no family, there is no organization, there is no business, there is only me and I need to hink about "Me" first because no one else is but myself.

5. Some people think I am way too truthful and some people don't even know who I am and what I do and what is going to happen in the future, but for them, ignorance is bluss and that is all they need to know. Period. Also, they will survive without me, maybe their life will be harder, but tough luck, honestly, I could care less because no one is watching out for myself except myself and I cannot watch out for others anymore when I can't even swim with my head above water.

So yes, those are my "resolutions."

1. Don't be honest.
2. Give you b.s.
3. Flaunt it if you got it.
4. Be counterproductive.

I think the person giving me these constructive hints maint otherwise, but that's basically how i'm taking it from the above 4 points and maybe I'll suceed in this shrewd world. It's like I was meant to be with Aids infected kids in Niger giving them porridge.

Fuck that people, life is a game and I just realized I'm losing...time to gain the upper hand, it's like that gave where you clasp hands and like try to see who is stronger by knocking someone else's hand down on the table. Yea, and how, I know the bull shit some people try to place the blame on me, and you know what, I'm going to be nice when it counts-always, and cunning when you least suspect it, you better watch out and if I never get my chance, then you got fucking lucky people and you better go pray to yourselves to make you think that you belong somewhere.

Also, no, this is not a bitter take on the world, it is reality and I am the stupid one for not seeing this. I am the one that is too good, too honest, too nice, too hardworking for this shit because I don't get rewarded. And the only bonus in my life is thinking about how these peoples lives have panned out and what certain karamic things happen to them.

God I sound like a hardass and you know what, even after my what, 7 years of blogging, I am still the mother fucking same person except a. I swear more sometimes and b. I think i'm a tad more emotional when it should not count.