No. 314 Somedays...

Somedays or sometimes I ask myself what am I doing? Not in that sense that I forgot what I was doing, but what I am I doing here, on earth, it's like I just failed to exist sometimes or why do I. I get that sense of fear and hopelessness about what am I suppose to do. I'm not getting married any time soon, nor am I going to law school soon, or am I doing anything, already in my job, that I've had for 19 days legitimately, it's the end of the road, there is not more promotion unless it's to a completely new job. I realized that someone takes jabs at me, and all I can say is that, "you're a lonely old bitch who wears too much makeup trying to be white, but aren't because you secretly hail from a farming town in China even though you want to be treated like one of the lovelies with money aka a tai tai and you work OT even though you don't get paid and you don't get paid enough to work that much OT, and stop thinking you are right all the time and you have all this power, because you don't, people are just nice and let you slide, one day you won't get that anymore bitch" but of course I'd never say it to her face. It's like the only reason why I can stay sane and normal is knowing that my commute takes me 10 minutes and that I one day will be doing something better then stuffing envelopes or whatever. Furthermore, I don't even ask myself about this status of my job, but I ask myself about my connections with people. Not in that sense of who do you know and who don't you know. It's more in that sense that do I make a difference in people's lives? I mean I know a friend of mine that yes, I do, a great deal, but others i'm not so sure. A boy that went to my high school died, long story short, he received 1200 people at his funeral, and no it wasn't such a sob story, just that he died due to a drunk driver-sob-ish, but not like "omg, you were a prisoner of war, captured, and tortured then tossed into the sea and they got to get half of your remains of the ocean and needed dna to identify who you were" shocking that may be the reason for 1200 people, but jesus, I could never have affected 1200 peoples worth of lives you know. It's like I can only do what I do and I realize sometime that's not good enough. Sometimes I wonder am I really worth it, would it be worth getting to know me? I don't have anything to offer because cynicism and I know how to play the game, I play it like any player, an actor if you will, what's the point right, honestly, but I play it well, I put you off and I am you notice, I command you and you know that, and if you think you are better then me, no you probably aren't, because my history says so and that's all you have to know. I ask myself, why have a connection with me, I don't and couldn't bring anything spritual, I probabaly won't make you become a better man or a better friend. Instead, i'll be the anthithesis of what you don't want, you'll realize you want that nice girl next door who has no motives, whose not too sly, you'll notice when i'm being played and how I maneuver that, you'll notice lots of things, things that won't make you reflect on how "great a person" I am. It's like I go through this life and I don't have a purpose and you know what, having a man does not make you have a purpose, but it makes me wonder though, we're so self-efficient that maybe having a man is the purpose because it brings other purposes. I don't even know, but I do know that whenever I read people's myspaces or people's guestbooks, I realized that I'm not like that, I can't be like them, I couldn't be like them, i'm not like them no matter what I did or how hard I tried and then I say, is it really worth it? Life that is, not in that suicidal sense, but I mean, what the fuck am I doing here? I know my purpose isn't to have a closet full of shit, and like a great business card, that's not it. It's like i'm asking too much of life, it's like what American life is you get a job, you get married, you have kids, you retire, you chill and that's it. You have no greater purpose but to enjoy life. You don't care about competition and you don't care about what stupid things you gave your kids, you just live and that's how it is, how it's suppose to be, but for me, that's not how it's suppose to be and that's now how it is going to be. It's far complicated...maybe my root problem is that I have no one like me, no one is like me and no one understands me. Everyone has someone adn I unforunately don't have anyone, no one can relate to me and that's the hardest, and is there suppose to be someone that relates to you? To "get you" because honestly I don't see anyone who has or have or is going to...that's probably the root of my unhappiness, and no, I wouldn't even go to therapist because they would say it's all in my mind or either they would say, "yes you are right" or they would say, "yes there are other people just not where you are" which is basically the answer "yes there is no one like you..."