No. 310

Ok-people don't get this and sometimes I wonder too...

I always say fate will lead the way, except I always fear that there will be that 1% chance when that doesn't happen...like myself, I don't know, it's like I feel so many emotions:

1. I don't below-hard to rectify given my circumstances
2. I feel lonely-not hard to rectify, but surrounding yourself with people won't make you feel not alone still.
3. An old person trapped inside a young person's body-hard to rectify, especially if people perceive you that way-and no I won't be dressing like Euroasian Ibiza loving girl soon.
4. I feel like what if i'm that 1% that gets the shaft, sure, I will have money, but it doesn't make you all that happy. THe reason this was spurred on is that my parents, or my mother thinks that I won't marry Asian and only white. Yes, this would be fine whatever, because I realize that not only are my parents racist towards whites, but also Asians either-so if they don't like the guy, then tough luck either way I am screwed. But also, what makes her think that I will get married. Honestly, I don't see that I will find someone in law school-if I get it, or find someone at a firm-because i'll be too busy making partner and I haven't had that many boyfriends, or even boys to consider legitimate boyfriends. Then my mother brings the point over what if he doesn't get you a ring, and you get like a gold band. Well, this sounds so horrible, but then again I don't think we're on the same level. This is also coming from a women that has a wedding ring and a back up ring. I've only seen her "real" wedding ring like a max of 5 times because she hardly breaks it out and when she does it's like the President came into town. So, yes, I don't think i'd be happy with a gold band, I don't care what kind of gold band, i'm not one of those girls like Grace dates taht one guy who is all about caring for her and like picks up a rock because it reminded him of her. I don't roll like that, not that he has to go to Tiffany's or it has to be at least 3-though nice because I have big fat fingers, like come on man, it has to be substantial and a part of me is like, I want someone who has similar tastes like me or at least tastes were we mesh well together. So for instance, I wouldn't want to be wearing an lavish kimono when he'd be wearing a cheap Mexican poncho the colors of all of earth whilst holding a corona. Like, a fitting pair would ve a kimono and Y3 stuff or something, subtle, yet appropriate. Honestly, sometimes, that's why I have the feeling that i'm not going to get married and this is none of that Bridget Jones Bullshit and I refuse to settle, well I will settle, but I mean, i'm not going to be settling to eat top ramen 364 days of my life so I can go eat foie gras for the last day. Come on man, honestly? I'm so tired and done with this shit, it's like, I need to occupy myself and move on. Because I realize people are moving out and out. I look at them and I say oh good for you, but then I say, they've all moved on and what have I been doing, staying in motion-ableit slightly more monied-possible but not a given.