No. 248

Ok, so I couldn't get away from the bubbles, it's the damn bubbles, especially in pink. It's like the inner girl in me, when the day was that pink wasn't the new color and just wrong to like it, now it's orange, we're not suppose to think orange is cool, but apparently orange is the new color for like 4 seasons now. Yea, fuck the seasons.

So, I feel like blogging, more like I really can't get through this long phase of anxiety. No longer is it just an attack, like the sudden seizure of not being able to breath and your blood rising to all parts of your body, but now it's a long period of time, more like saddness with a hint of anxiety in the back of it. A splash of it. I realized through all my studying, I apparently still fucking suck at school, what the fuck, I was so freakin' good at it in highschool, I didn't have to do a thing and I got good grades, but now, it's like, all I do, I can't do any better. I freaking give up, I just want to. How easy would it be, pack my shit, and get the hell out right? Ain't that hard, it really isn't, but I can't, for a million of reasons. It's like that Frankie J song, "I don't wanna try no more" instead of love it's school. There is no gratification in school, and if there is, it's only for a fleeting second-and that pisses me off. Seriously. I feel so useless, so null and void, like I don't know what to do. It's not as if I need a vacation or a place to cool down, it's just that I plain fucking suck and why is it that people who did worse in high school are so much better then me now? Not that I need to compare, but can I get a fucking decent B average, come on, give a girl a break. Seriously, paired with my bad test taking schools, my anxiety over everything, it's so horrendous, but if a teacher were talking to me about subjects-i'd spew it out and i'd do pretty damn well. Whatever... it's almost to that point where I don't fucking give a shit anymore, like I have more problems on my hands. For instance, who needs six weeks of physical therapy if you have a pinched nerve in your back? That's bad right, who needs six weeks of it, for anything? Yea, well it's my mother and I remember distinctly reading that when you're a diabetic, you can lose your limps easier and go blind easier too. Is that the case now, am I too blind to see it? It's like death looks you in the eye and you don't see it, the saddest part of life I believe. But my problems are completely irrelevant because I am not changing people's lives, I am wallowing, and apparently, i've hard like 2/3 of the world doesn't have clean water or food to eat and i'm sitting here with my 10 dollar water bottle and probably my computer whose parts were made in developing countries. Yea, all I do is complain and I can't do a fuck about it. I can't either, because what can I do? Yes, let me give to those funds-like they really work, it's for people who give then put on a gala and make everyone feel good because it's for the cause when everyone gets drunk of vodka and rum. Yea, give me a break...my life...my existence...worthless and I may as well give all my possessions to the developing countries to help them...but why would I...i'm greedy-the irony of my life.