No. 247

I feel obsolete, desolete, all the letes.

Not like i'm going sucidial on myself or anything, but um... I just wish I could go some where, hang out, and that'd be life. I'd just educate myself on the mass and popular culture of today and that would be me. I'd be smart, I'd be everything, not everything I could be. I seriously have no will to go on, something a la Celine Dion sings about, but seriously, it's just over. Also, i'm turning 20 on Feb. 21, not that the big 20 is anything exciting, it's not, and I really don't think i'm having a decade crisis or what have you something stupid like that. Literally, I just don't want to do it anymore, I don't want a party, I don't want anything, I just want to sit, have a nice dinner, watch Asian telly, and then go to sleep with winnie the pooh. I mean, I feel like I can't fight anymore, it's like, if I do, there's nothing I can gain from it. I feel so weak, literally, mentally and physically. I seriously don't know what to do with myself, also, I think i've bought it all, I mean, I haven't, but there really isn't anything I want anymore. It's sad I know, well there are things I want-but completely excessive and there is no need for it, like for instance, a five piece luggage set of Louis Vuitton-do I need it no, and will I get it now-no. So, with everyone telling me they've got me a present and blah blah blah, i'm just like you really didn't have to, but thank you, it's a really nice and kind gesture as to I awlays believe that no one cares about it, even though surprisingly no one from HS has mentioned my birthday-but it's ok, I really don't expect much, it's like for my birthday, I always feel like i'm overexerting myself. Like everyday it just cool, but once it's my b-day, I feel like I may as well give up. Like, I need a lounge chair, an umbrella and the soft sounds of the ocean somewhere trophical not Cuba, and i'd be fine. All I want to do is sit there and just do nothing, like don't even give me music or magazines, and I could handle it. Oh what to do about my birthday-and it's coming by fast and I don't even know what to do? If I do dinner, it's like dinner for 15, and I hate big dinners...