No. 246

Oh blog i've missed you (Late Aaliyah)

This week I feel like I can't catch the right wave, it's so weird, and I feel really weak, emotionally and physically. Everystep I take it seems that I could fall, I seem so unbalanced, it's like I need something, but I can't put my mind on it. What I really need is this: "Moment: sitting on my balcony in my lounger with no noise, no nothing, just me" I need that moment where in movies, everything is flying by, but the camera just pans around you 360 degrees. When I feel idle I feel the anxiety with it, and then when i'm busy I feel the pressure. Also, strangely today, was the first day I actually laughed, laughed in reserved. It was odd, completely trivial, I was having problems with my umbrella and with a group of friends, it made it hysterical. I remember those days, when my cousin and I would just laugh, I mean, we'd laugh until we peed our pants, or well I didn't, but she did, those were the good times. Now, I feel my life is ridden with everything but laughter and happiness. Like, I get really anxiety ridden sometimes, especially when my phone rings, because I often wonder if everything is ok with my mom and dad. I've comtemplated leaving my cell phone on at all times including when i'm sleeping for the fear something happens. I always fear how if something happened, how i'd get there, so i've programed in various cab companies and I mean, there's 411 right. I just can't find a medium lately, or well ever since the beginning of the school year. I seem to be completely anxiety ridden or just in that British void of nonchanlantless. When i'm typing this, I feel the anxiety. Sidenote: American Idol makes me want to sing? I really don't suck, but I don't think i'm fab either... What is it with reality tv, I swear, it makes you feel impowered because you don't suk as bad as them or not stupid to go on a show or either you feel like you want to do something similar to experience the emotions of the same characters.

Going Home

I think What I really need is to go home, and just chill. Drive to the mall and buy all my necessities, I haven't been there for a month or do and am starting to feel the shopping anxiety. I need to get my stuff, afterwards, come to my house, go to my room, plop it all down, survey my room of mess, feel happy about the cluster, enter my tv room, sit, click, and just imerse myself into the telly while being surrounded by my late FAO Schwarz animals and Pooh. Speaking of FAO Schwarz, for some reason, no one gets that it's a big deal. I mean, this was my toy store, I went there and felt like a kid, I felt enchanted, I was even famous at the FAO Schwarz store by the way of the telly and now they've gone out of business. It truly makes me sad, but in a way not, because it's really capitalism at it's best. It's sad because I can't create any more memories with FAO Schwarz, but it isn't sad because it did only cater to the rich elite and after all who freaking pays 25 bucks for a stuffed dog other then myself because I just did, and a duck, and maybe two other dogs, three small ones, a few bears and maybe some magic 8 balls. Oh, do I miss my duck, just sitting there, it's also the one in Friends, and I always feel so glad because it got to be famous, not mine specifically, but just one in general just like the penquins because bears are so overly rated. FAO'S CEO had problems and it just sucks he couldn't bring it back together, and also, I mean, i'm sure CEOs always change and they've been with tons of companies, but how does it feel to actually fail. I mean, as the leading toy company and a staple on 5th, what do you say to yourself when the giant space of toys is no longer there as you sit in your towncar or what have you driving back home?