No. 245

I feel so uneasy, so something, so into writing this out. I just can't do my work. I feel like i'm Carrie from SATC right now, the whole leg propped up on the other with the hair straight back etc. It's just such a Carrie moment a la dorm room. Don't even ask, but so I had a good weekend. I really didn't feel down, even though it was the funeral for the late grandfather to my nephew-who I also thought was a dear man. It saddens me, not only by his death, but by how people go about it. I ask myself are there ever any signs of death? Because, often many people feel death strikes suddenly, but it never does, there are signs-it's just do those people recognize and know those signs. Obviously no one does, because most people aren't accustomed to recognizing people who are dying. So, furthermore, my nephew, his father would race back to LA to go see his dying father. We said, why do you have to race back at 10 in the morning to back there at 3, what's the point right, you don't even know he was dying or not, because they still didn't run tests. So, all the while we're resting our late uncle, he's rushing to see his dad, while we're saying it's stupid and not worth is because you don't even know if he's dying, but deep down, I think he knew it, he knew that the time had come and he as to say goodbye. Which is the hardest thing. People always talk about exponential growth and how it's great that less people inhabit the earth-i'm one of them, but when it comes to the death of your own, it's so hard, it's so hard to say goodbye. It's not hard to say goodbye necessary, but it's hard to tell family and people you love that it will be ok, because truthfully how can it be ok. How can someone whose always been there suddenly disappear and never come back. How do you tell someone that is dying that it will be ok, how do you say that they aren't dying and they will get through it, how to do you tell them it's fine? Luckily my nephew is young, so losing both his grandfathers is ok, because he still doesn't get it, and he'll have the whole "ignorant is bliss" for at least a good 6 years, a good 6 years, but how do you tell the father's son that all will be ok, even though he couldn't do a thing, and he knew, he knew that he was dying, even before the tests. Regardless, people know when someone is doing bad, they just don't want to upset anyone, just as he didn't want to, but just saying that he had to visit his dad-even though we didn't know he was dying, but he knew it, he knew it.

Which brings me to the whole having your friend's back. I've always been a strong advocator of "it's all about me FIRST" most of the time when it comes to friends. So, back in Fifth grade, I would always say i'd save myself instead of saving my friend if we were some how stuck on the train tracks. This was a really big "Stand By Me" movie scenario, and i'd be like, I want to live more, so i'd make the conscious effort of saving myself and living my friend to be blown to bits right, while in the movies, the friend would always shove the friend out of trouble first right. So I just realized, that through the whole natural selection, i've come upon this earth by luck. It's the last choice on the whole theory. Now, no one ever told me about natural selection as being luck, so I just thought natural selection didn't apply to me right, but it does. Just like, this sounds stupid of me and not practical, but if my parents were ever in a situation that needed to be defied by death, I wouldn't think twice about dying for one or another of them. Surely it sounds stupid because they had a great life and it's my turn-but since i'm here by natural selection, I rather my parents enjoy their long life with a fullfilling end, so I'd die for them, just as I probably would die for the majority of my friends, unless I thought they were incredibly weak. It sounds stupid because I can probably do a whole bunch of good, but then again, I mean, when it comes to my death-I feel i'm always ready, I can do it, but letting someone else go is so hard? Why is that I wonder? It's like also another reason why I can't let go of things, such as clothes-some don't even fit me anymore, and I keep it, or some are just hideous like what was I thinking about in those years of grade school-but I keep it, so my closet overflows and is unslightly, but I keep it and I keep trekking on with my shitload of crap.

I don't know what i'm rambling about this time, but all I know is death is a funny thing, I also know that I know when death comes. Death comes physically when someone's feet hurts. It brings me to this time when I was a junior I think in High School and I remember this person with Aids came to talk to us about his condition and all the meds he was taking. He said that his feet were always tingly and that they were often bloated, sore, and he couldn't walk that much. This always struck me as odd, because I was thinking that would be so horrible to have that tingly feeling, and now I recognize-he was on the verge of dying, and no meds could ever fit that. Just like my uncle, who had swollen feet and that's when his troubles began, just like my father's friend who also had bloated feet before he died, who would have known that feet would be the answer?