These are my thoughts, vapid, emotional, thoughtful, all of them, just for this one person and maybe to repent all my sins or what have you, get rid of my excess baggage since it's now Chinese New Year. I've got new luggage, fresh tea, and hey, it's a new start.

[2/20/2003 6:52:15 PM | Glorified Goddess]
No. 211
Bitchness, it's not bitchness, it's like self loathing, that's what it is, a change of temp. in my body, or plan just emotions, or buddha knows what, it can't be expressed in words to describe it.

Ok, tomorrow is my birthday. I don't feel old or am having a mid-teen crisis, or late teen crisis of any sort, but shit has happened ok, over this past year, it's been the most exciting I gotta say. Oh, and to top it off, I was like, hey, talked to this guy who lived in my dorm, one floor above, freaked, didn't go, then went, and now he hates me, and I felt he was quite bitter, the fact is he could have been more understanding, since i'm so virginal to this "meeting up outside of the net" thing, and repeat, I will never do this shit again, so then I get this other msg and it's like, i'd love to be friends blah blah (another guy), send it back and say usual hey what' s up banter, he's like, "what do you look like in a guy" i'm seriously pissed off now, is it now that the internet is only used to mack on other people, I mean, the boys have no game, so why would you want to do it on the net, get a little practice first, and all i've heard from these people are, "I don't have a gf, what do you think my prob is?" I'm like, maybe because you're still sitting at your comp writing me versus actually going somewhere to find the damn girl. So, yea, i've had enough with this P. Diddy wannabes. I hate it, I mean, I guess I was so naive or something and didn't realize that the net is like just for getting you mack on or something. So that totally pissed me off, not to mention that some freak the Uni pays to powerwash this one section of the pavement has been there for 2 days during 5 hour intervals, damn people,it wasn't like moss was growing and people slipped and fell. Not to mention, it's so hard to make friends, like i've got a steady stream, totally chill every night, but I mean, new people that are actually friends, not acquanitances, like people you can chill with usually, that is the hard part. So yea, i'm so at awe, and different people's lifestyles, like I can't imagine it, I mean it's sort of cool watching people go through life knowing they will be a part of history, I mean, it's great, I'm just like, my kids will be learning about what we're going through now. It's such an odditity, but a lot has happened, and it's not purely superficial and I can't get a 4.0 deal too, I mean, on a small skill, it was quite exhilirating. All my life, I was like, why can't I get drama, I got it, and now, I'm starting to think I don't want it. Is that wrong, is it wrong to want something you can't have and when you get it you're so disappointed? I just don't know now, not I just don't know anymore, I will know, but not now.
Bitchness
[2/22/2003 9:47:37 AM | Glorified Goddess]
No. 212

Ok, so now it post b-day. I was quite shocked, my b-day was quite interesting, not interesting in bad, but I mean, people showed up and with gifts and it was simply fab. It cost a small price to make everyone happy. It was great, I have to say, one of the best b-days, minus lack of sleep that is for sure. I am shocked because I never expected it to be this way, but it was lovely.

I had this harrowing phone call from my cousin and from my friend. All of which I almost didn't bother to pick up because who would call me right. So yea, this phone call, it's really afflicted me, I just never get why people act a certain way, it's like this mechanism, I'm so serious. I really think I should take Psych 101, but i'm so fearful, because everyone says it's hard, and you know, I really don't care about that general shit, I want to get to the meat of the problem, but I am writing a book, I've started. It's brilliant, and it's never going to be published, since it'd never make it through editing. HAHAHA. Ok, retiring now., it's not bitchness, it's like self loathing, that's what it is, a change of temp. in my body, or plan just emotions, or buddha knows what, it can't be expressed in words to describe it.

Ok, tomorrow is my birthday. I don't feel old or am having a mid-teen crisis, or late teen crisis of any sort, but shit has happened ok, over this past year, it's been the most exciting I gotta say. Oh, and to top it off, I was like, hey, talked to this guy who lived in my dorm, one floor above, freaked, didn't go, then went, and now he hates me, and I felt he was quite bitter, the fact is he could have been more understanding, since i'm so virginal to this "meeting up outside of the net" thing, and repeat, I will never do this shit again, so then I get this other msg and it's like, i'd love to be friends blah blah (another guy), send it back and say usual hey what' s up banter, he's like, "what do you look like in a guy" i'm seriously pissed off now, is it now that the internet is only used to mack on other people, I mean, the boys have no game, so why would you want to do it on the net, get a little practice first, and all i've heard from these people are, "I don't have a gf, what do you think my prob is?" I'm like, maybe because you're still sitting at your comp writing me versus actually going somewhere to find the damn girl. So, yea, i've had enough with this P. Diddy wannabes. I hate it, I mean, I guess I was so naive or something and didn't realize that the net is like just for getting you mack on or something. So that totally pissed me off, not to mention that some freak the Uni pays to powerwash this one section of the pavement has been there for 2 days during 5 hour intervals, damn people,it wasn't like moss was growing and people slipped and fell. Not to mention, it's so hard to make friends, like i've got a steady stream, totally chill every night, but I mean, new people that are actually friends, not acquanitances, like people you can chill with usually, that is the hard part. So yea, i'm so at awe, and different people's lifestyles, like I can't imagine it, I mean it's sort of cool watching people go through life knowing they will be a part of history, I mean, it's great, I'm just like, my kids will be learning about what we're going through now. It's such an odditity, but a lot has happened, and it's not purely superficial and I can't get a 4.0 deal too, I mean, on a small skill, it was quite exhilirating. All my life, I was like, why can't I get drama, I got it, and now, I'm starting to think I don't want it. Is that wrong, is it wrong to want something you can't have and when you get it you're so disappointed? I just don't know now, not I just don't know anymore, I will know, but not now.
[4/1/2003 9:05:53 PM | Glorified Goddess]
No. 213

Ok, over spring break,had a relevation, maybe I should quit this whole blog thing, because apparently it was a closed chapter in my life, but then, I can't remember why it's closed. Obviously it wasn't that important and it must have been some ramble while I was almost passing out on the bed.

Reading books for fun, exercising, studying, after two quarters in college, I finally am in the zone, I finally got it together. Oh, and I think i'm going to write a screenplay. I mean, I have to give it up to the books, love them, just like I love Ms. Dynamite, but I realized that movies are so much more visual, so much more compelling-when done right, not the perverbial guy see's girl, guy loves girl, guy and girl together forever. I realized the music in movies really compell me, it's something that is so crucial to the movie, it makes or breaks the movie, to me at least. I think it's my senses, I never realized how much music means to me until I come to college. I've got 60 watt computer speakers alone, I think that says a lot about me when i'm all about the cheapness, not being ghetto fabulous.
[4/3/2003 10:48:38 PM | Glorified Goddess]
No. 214

Phase No. 34586793

Ok, this phase, being motivated to write in this thing, even though i'm paralyzed with fear...So A Walk To Remember Soundtrack moves me while reading RuPaul's journal. I ask myself, why he writes what he did and some things may be very prompt and let's just say, not meant for some people to here, but he's ok with it, no one is suing him. What's up with this. I know this poor lad that has the school watching him outside of his school life just because he wrote something about the school's admin, I mean, hey it's personal opinion, not bad, but I mean, millions of people out there and who finds out, seriously, what are the odds?

Ok, so all my life I wanted drama, all my life I wanted to be bad, all my life I wanted to be everything that I personally thought I wasn't, and you know what, all my life I thought I knew everything and got all the perspectives etc, but what turned out is that I was GREEDY, in the terms of wanting it all, wanting everything, and it always being, "me." I remembered in kindergarten or preschool whatever grade one, they always say, don't worry about anyone else, but yourself. I think that's what happened to me, I mean, i'm not heartless, but I think i'm one of the greedier ones out there. So yea, I realized that to some people, I am their bestfriend, to s ome people, I bring drama, and to some people, i'm bad, i'm horrendous. I realize that I'm the shit to some, i'm the power for others, and some I influence them. Nothing is more touching, I mean, most times you really don't know how you effect people, you can always guess and then they tell you in some indirect way-it's what I strive for, not strive for, but it really makes my life here special. I mean, I understand how i'm a sister to one etc. I just always thought I would be the one for one person, I'd be the all, it's like those damn movies, they're always so deceiving. Seriously, you believe your life is like a movie, or at least I do, and it's completely untrue. I mean, I always knew I would affect people-but of course naturally you would, it's humans to coerce with each other, but most of the times it's the generic I like you u're a great friend blah blah blah. I'm like, I don't want to hear generics, I want to hear why, why why? I believe the greatest question of all is WHY? So yes, as the Meredith Brooks song, "bitch" i'm everything, i'm not a big bitch though I'd have to say, I mean, I have my moments, but I am not a bitch, more like a slightly hormonal girl who revolves like the sun. Yea, so I mean, no, it's not bitch.
[4/6/2003 10:00:26 PM | Glorified Goddess]
No. 215

Grooving to: Craig David-Slicker Than Your Average
Book: Good in Bed-Jennifer Weiner

This is a great montage if I would like to say, from Good in Bed by Jennifer Weiner.

"Love is the rug they pull out from under you. Love is Lucy always lifting the football at the last second so that Charlie Brown falls on his ass. Love is something that every time you believe in it, it goes away. Love is for suckers, and I'm not going to be a sucker ever again."

I'm not sure if I agree with this statement, but god, it's a good one.

Journals and fame

I was randomly reading journals, actually peoples' journals I knew during my high school days, those days that seem so far, yet so close. I know, an irony, but when you go home and then back to the dorm, it seems they are so far, yet so close. Ok, so this one girl writes about how her journal is now abled to be searched and found on yahoo. Well, it turns out that mine is as well, as well as msn too and possibly among other search engines that I have yet to look through. I mean, the searching isn't going through piles and piles of links, it's actually readily available, easy to find, something a tad shocking and something so ironic. When I started this, I wanted a place to vent, a place to be heard and realized, and now, I guess i've gained my recognition. It's odd, because life works in funny ways, I've always wanted something, and when you get it, you don't quite realize it, and if you do, it somehow got twisted or jumbled together like my InStyle in the dorm mail box. I am forever peeved because at least the first 30 pages gets a tattered look, something I don't find fashionably chic, regardless of how many worn out tattered looking ensembles that seem to be hitting stores and runaways.

I've come to enjoy this whole diary thing again. I think I just let it get the best of me, always finding things to write about or venting about something so superificial was the end of me, a me that has forevered died, well maybe nto forevered died, but is taking an extended break. I mean, yes, I see way to many unabomber-esque green lovers in my parts, but it seems that I just look and move on. Yes, I do the Mahattan once over (Shopaholic Ties the Knot), but I don't seem to care as I use to, I just take it, say wow, what an interesting choice of attire, and I move on. Also, I realized that I've become conscientiously chic, yes, not chic just randomly, but chic as in I make an effort with accessories and I'm proud of myself. I mean, I have this kick ass wardrobe, not by LA or NY standards, but after watching the What Not To Wear show on TLC, I realized that I have a lot of stuff I can put together, it's just the effort needed.

I've even begin to appreciate nature, well more like landscaped nature, but I mean, I enjoy it, as in, I actually seek it out, versus it always being there and I pray to god that no unsightly animal crosses my path- i.e. warms and spiders. I think i've finally got it together, I mean, I've got great fam, great friends, great everything, I just don't realized this, maybe it's because i'm such a spoiled person, but I think that's the wrong word. I mean, I want something, I get it, why isn't that called successful, drive, what have you, why is it that I seem to be a brat, yes I have tons of material items, but I mean, we all know material items don't make you happy and I just happen to acquire them, it's no big deal. Also, college is a whole new realm. No one in class will be saying, is that a Rolex, omg, is it real or fake, god, I can't believe that is last year's Abercrombie, it's in the trash now. I mean, no one cares anymore, the chicer you look, the more props you get, not jealousy and rage from your friends, which also reminds me that I totally forgot one of my bags, christ, and it's at home, and I don't get how I have so much shit at the dorm and so much shit at in my room, although I have been spending less? I just don't get it. Seriously, maybe i'm feeling my closet with excess air or something that I can't see?

I think i've changed, wait, I know I have changed. I see things for what they are, but I don't dwell on what isn't there, but I am grateful for what I have, something that would have not happened before.
[4/8/2003 11:27:10 PM | Glorified Goddess]
No. 216

Groove: Bridget Jone's Diary Soundtrack
Book: Milk Run

I'm blogging again. Wow, isn't it amazing, although it's the 8th, and it completely slipped my mind that my last entry was two days ago. I guess I have a life, a life that I feel bad because it's getting to the point where everyone should leave a msg on my cell and I will get back to them at a certain alotted time I have for myself unless you would love to talk to me late at night. Yes, and even that time is really for the blowdry prep myself for bed state.

I actually don't have much to say, besides that I believe that my girls I live with are great and 5 out of 8, although one did move out, so it's 5 out of 7 are staying together. It's like friends, but we're all female. In reality though, I shouldn't compare my life to friends, because it's nothing like it, and as for me always wanting it to be like that is just some facade I am hiding behind or whatever psychoanalystic answer comes to mind.

Reading endless journals and girly books, I don't know what's wrong with me, it's like I have two sides to me, the one that knows all, the one that can tell all, then they'res the other part that is such all materialistic, it's as if I am the "culture." I embody both materialistic and non-materialistic ideals. It's weird, because I don't know what to make of it, I see people, interact with them, and they just appear to have one side, while I have various ones, which is shocking, and no, I don't name them, and sometimes I don't know they exist until they make a very fashionably late or unthought of entrance.

Moment of the day: grateful that someone close to me told the truth when they knew they should have, and I didn't have to meander my way into having them tell me. That is what i'm greatful for, truthness- in all it's cliches.
[4/23/2003 9:54:23 PM | Glorified Goddess]
No. 217

Song: Busta and Mariah knows what we need
Magazine: the past 3 InStyles just chillin'

Ok, so what's wrong with me?

Last week, socialized like hell, and um, it got in the way of thing what I think is highly overrated, but I still do it anyways, studying. So, almost had to do homework on the weekend, actually had to, did a paper on Sunday. It was hell, but I got through it. I hate doing homework on the weekends, I try not to, actually, it's only been the second weekend where I've had to do this the whole school year. I guess it's not that bad...

Another thing, i'm out of my routine. I don't do my daily internet thing, I do read my magazines, i've got the whole set of Vogue, Travel and Leisure, and a Vanity Fair to all go over. I use to even have time to do a quick check over my dad's Art News and Car and Driver. What's wrong with me? I dno't even have time to go watch my shows, yea, that's really reaching it. And i'm so confused, my mom says that we're getting Direct TV, but we have cable and blah blah it just does not make sense, i'll just wait for the guy to come, install and hand over the manual and see what's the deal? Oh, and as for Direct TV, well apparently my mom wants the 4 Chinese speaking channels, besides the fact that only 1 is in Cantonese all the time. Yes, I don't quite understand, and if I have to watch Chinese Pop all the time, i'm not sure what I will do, and if my mom does not make me dinner because she's watching her "chinese soap operas." Oh, let's say the Chinese Mafia will be coming.

Oh, and so this week i've been doing well class wise blah blah besides two horrific stories. One, in my section, some guy, picks on these poor people all the time about their views, just some randomly kind of mid age balding man in class. It's so annoying. I'd just want to tell the dude and he's not always right, everyone has opinions, but I swear, he tries to force opinions on people, what is up with that, and in this threatening way, I can see it, in his gestures and his eyes. I hate it. Ok, so as for unabomber man, another class. I have to do this peer review thing with him, totally unforgiving about my shit paper, I mean, I tried, but he was totally degrading, i'm sorry that he can't rock the captalist shit like I do and what I represent, god, seriously, I think he has a serious problem about the whole society he lives in, seriously! That's why no one sits by him now, and since me and my friend moved away, he's all by his lonesome. For some reason, whenever I'm in that class, all I wanna do is rock the bling and throw out the chicness that I know I am. I hate being provoked. Also, some guy, sits by me in class or by me all the time in a lecture hall of a lot of people, can't stop moving, seriously, I want to tell the boy to stop moving. God, and I saw another boy in another class moving his legs under his desk, usually fine, but it was a workout for him because he was going at such a high speed. Didn't really enjoy all these instances.

My in thing is Vin Diesel. I watched XxX at my friend's house after her b-day. One thing, I never realized he was that hot and he's kind of old, well i'm 19, he's 35, it's a Harrison Ford Calista thing, but besides the fact that Vin is hot. I find myself searching for pictures of him, and I realize this man is totally unexposed. Never a random pic, no stalkers watching him and taking random pics, I always love those too. So yea, hopefully this phase of Vin hotness will go away, because he's 35, i'll never have him no matter what I think, and in reality, the only reason I like him is because he has that je ne sais quoi about him, that's it, and he's hot. I personally don't think he's a great actor etc or what, but I mean, basically, he's just aesthically pleasing, that's all I gotsa say.

OK, another what's wrong with me moment?

I haven't gone shopping in a month or so. Yes, I know, so shocking, I mean, I at least comb the racks ot check out some bargains etc, but no, I have had no time, and I think the only way I will squeeze it in is if I do lunch with my mom at the Square. OH, and speaking of socializing, dad is doing lunch with some people other then me on Friday. Quelle surprise?

I also reason that I can be so damn chic if I had my complete wardrobe with me instead of having it at two separate locales. I also realize that if I try, I can make the best of it, I also know that if it didn't rain as much, I would be more brave with my clothing options. I also realize, that college takes up all your time, as in I don't feel the need to call my parents and I don't seem to have the time to blow dry my hair and actually put moisturizer on my face. And i'm sitting here blogging when I could be moisturizing, but i'm not.

Oh, my new love, it's the razor scooter. Apparently they're out, but I think they're hot. I scoot around in my cluster, and one thing, hard to do it on carpet, so I can't do it in the hallway. I think I might take it onto the trail one day, i'm just paralyzed with fear that I will fall off. Anyways, am going to do some other shit and go to bed. Because I'm yet again tired, regardless of the caffeine I had, although I didn't have any today, which is shocking, because i'm addicted now. I actually like my coffee black, I know, so surprising, I thought I could only do mochas, i'm wrong....I guess I was wrong about myself...or maybe it's a phase...
[4/27/2003 6:51:00 PM | Glorified Goddess]
No. 218

Song: IMX anything
Ok, so for some reason my mouse keeps on clicking onto Blogger, it did it another day when I had an inkling to write, but I refused to, because I had ot much stuff to do. So, now I am writing, even though my take-home midterm is due tomorrow, yea, I did it sorta of, i'm going to revise tonight.

Ok, so i'm in my state of where are the boys?

Yes, i'm having this deep afinity for Vin Diesel, I see him everywhere media/film/Hollywood wise, and i'm like, damn the guy is hot, acting wise it's a little I'm not sure, but it's that mystique type thing I don't know even though he's 36 or so... I know, i'm odd. So now I was on the balcony looking down and saw this dude with two girls, obviously probably boyfriend or friend enough to hang out on Sun, and i'm like, why do I not have that. I mean, right now, my life is filled with these boys who are complete freaks, as in I really don't get them and their opinions minds whatever. All of a sudden, love songs, any song I actually listen to the words and you know what, I feel this emptyiness that I just don't know what to do with. What I do is go out with my lounge chair and just chill, get a face tan, something I am still tempted to do, yet I have my midterm thing to do due on Monday. So yea, I don't understand, I mean, i've got it all, yet i'm still unhappy. I have this great base of friends and family, yet all I want to do is go to Bora Bora by myself and just get a tan, the fact is by myself is freakish, I mean, my whole life I dreamed of a happenin' socialite side, yet I have it, and i'm like, why can't I just stay inside? It's becoming the point where i'm saying sleep is highly overrated, I mean, all I do is sleep, eat, study, take a shower, go to class, and hang out with friends, I don't know what else I want, but I need a little zest, and when I get that zest, it's over and I want my old life back. Also what makes me pissed is that Bellevue is no longer how I see Bellevue, it's as if I have become more cynical and I don't know what to say about it, it's like this world that either eats you or you eat it, I mean, you either win or you lose and I think i'm losing, and I need to win again, what I do by winning is pureply materialistic though, something I hate to do, but sometimes I feel necessary that I have to do. Sometimes I feel it's necessary to rock Rolex and various Bling pieces, but in a way, I wish people wouldn't see me for that, just see the person who I am through my physical atributes and how I carry myself, not how I rock a piece of materialistic item. Yea, and I also realized that the unabomber guy hates me because I represent the capitalist consumer materialistic society that he chooses not to embrace. I'm sorry, I just do, and it's not like I want to wear birkenstocks and take a hike, but I just want to not be judged, something that can't be done, which saddens me.

Also, i'm having insane fantasties about becoming a stylist.

Ok, so I have this notion that I would change people's lifes, ordinary people-upper middle class, by redoing their wardrobes through seasons so it represents them, the season, and the stylish people they want to be. So, yea, then this spawns into come be a stylist in Hollywood, an actress hears about me and wants her to help me-don't know which one, but a simplistic hip up and coming, then I meet Vin-because i've been partying it up and I decide to become his stylist, just because he needs to get rid of that tough guy look (if it's all possible) and replace it will an average dude that can rock both aspects of a nice guy and a bad guy. So yea, and then i'm thinking about how this lady at Estee Lauder says I'm great at choosing colors, then my cousin saying I should become a stylist, but my problem is ok, I have no job experience, I live in a world where fashion stylists really aren't used, and i'm seriously thinking could I become a stylist. What happened to the lawyer, I mean, yes I can become on, I will, but for one thing is that my thought is that if I really wanted to do something, I could retire at 40 and do it and I'd live the best of both worlds, but stylists aren't 40, they're age prime I think is like 30 right... so i'm like what the fuck do I do, seriously, maybe it's just an inkling of being a stylist, and when I think about it, I can't even get myself together-how can I get some other person together, I mean, I look fine, but i'm not what I deem stylistic perfect all the time, so yes, i'm seriously like what the hell do I do, should I even try to do the stylistic thing over the summer, or should I just find a decent paying job and move on with my life...
[ Tue May 06, 10:00:14 PM | Glorified Goddess | edit ]
No. 219

Ok, i'm blogging. It's weird, I always do what is the exact opposite of my peers sometimes, keyword, sometimes. So yes, i'm feeling rather SJP and i'm just doing a little rendition of SATC sitting here sans cigarette, but music is on full blast and i'm going to put in a nice blog. I actually have something to say this time. I feel bad for neglecting this thing, but then again, I mean, it's mine right and I don't neglect it, I rather have good things to say, then not have anything to say at all.

Song: Joi-Lick (I realized if I ever have a lot of sex, I want to have sex to this song, it's the perfect speed, seriously, I got it off xXx because Vin is oozing hotness, regardless of the whole my cousin thinks he's "beefy" and the fact that he's 36. He seems like he's only 29.

Let Downs

Do I have high expectations or does it seem like the world lets me down? I take it back, it's not the world, just insert some random word, anything will do. I realized that all of Hollywood smokes, not all, but most of Hollywood smokes, but they keep it on the DL and act like they don't by doing the whole smoke free public places... but why would you do that when y'all smoke? What's with the holistic yoga jamba juice zone diet ocassionally then throw in some cigarettes, sure why not right, you felt so healthy doing yoga, why not. Why this sudden thing, I just realized that now of Friends fame, Matt, Jennifer, Courtney, and possible all the others smoke as well, but those free have been seen with the addiction. This also ties into my whole thought about or my professor's thought/anthropologist thoughts about how people buy things because of culture, not because they want to. I have fallen victim to this, I have always said that I AM ME AND ME IS ALL THAT I WILL BE. So then I realized, god, I enjoy the peasant look because it's so a la Britney and the fine femmes, and then I realized, god drinking Starbucks in hand is so fashionable with cell in other, but I have not been holding on to my cell, because ok, first off, so why do people hold onto their cell phones in the first place? Most people have it on vibrate, so that means, it would be vibrating in your hand when you're holding it, I don't know, but I personally would drop the fucker, just as I did already-accident, and got it fixed, thank god, long story about my horrors of a hotty totty I think i'm all that because I sell cell phones gimme a break puleeze. Ok, so then I was on this whole craze of drinking coffee because I believed, A. would make me lose weight because of added caffeine, so I wouldn't have to take caffeine pills, B. it made me feel oh so glam while holding a cup of java C. it made if feel bad ass, because I can stomach coffee-black with sugar natch. I stopped, why, because I became a "chronic worrier" and I had this thing where i'd mulitask myself that I became so insecure I digidialed to anyone that I knew could help me for reassurance and I was a rambler. Yes, that's when I stopped. Instead when I feel a little down, I take one and only one caffeinated mint, 3 is a whole cup of soda, so one is obvious less, and but if I downed the liquids-i'd down a lot, I enjoy liquids immensely and drink tons of fluids, that's why I will refrain. I also believed that green tea would make me skinner-therefore I drank green tea, then got tired of making hot water, and am now in process of buying those hot water makers all on your own things.

Why can't I be happy?

This is the question, oh and as I was currently on my caffeine addiction, it also lead to another horrible habit, and I also questioned if I needed therapy. Yes, I really wondered. I was seriously thinking about it, I mean, I have these questions and I have no answers to them, or they're answers for the moment. So yes, why can't I be happy, I have the life, I mean, at home i'm living in luxury, at the dorm-i'm just chillin', and I get mediocre grades-I could try so much harder, I don't work, I shop every weekend and hang out with friends all the time, but why can't I be happy. Part of me, a strong part, wants to be famous, I want to be Vin Diesel's stylist because dear god I can't take the matching jean ensembles anymore boys, then I say, why can't I be some Hilton wannabe celebutante as E! describes, but then again, I wouldn't want my whole life to be like that, I mean, I have plenty of unfashionable days and could I handle it being aired in Teen People or People, hell no. I can't even rip off a bandaid without yelping and how am I suppose to be all strong and mighty and be the "it" girl, when often I dream of being the "it" girl. It's not like I don't get enough attention, I am the "it" girl, I know it all, I have it all, but ironically, I am still not happy. It's life's greatest irony, why can't you be happy for more then that moment. Buddha, I just don't get it, I try, I really try, but at the end of the day-I still feel like shit. Not in that suicide type of deal, but in the way like, I have all this-and I can't be happy, and i'm not even referring to materialism, it's past that, I have great friends and family and a father that has evolved and it's meant so much to me, but why, why why why can't I be happy. It's like i'm on the top of the world-and it's still not it. It's so hard to describe, I also think my ego has been given a fluff or too. My friends tell me i'm great, I know i'm great, certain socio economic classes know i'm great, but why can't I say i'm great. The only times I feel happy is for about a split second, when i've impressed, surpressed, opressed, surmised someone or something. It's like the power, I crave it, yet I hold all the power, but I can't realize it. It's like the more elite you are-you think you have less culture or are cultureless, but in reality-you have the most culture, everyone does, it's just we can't see our culture and think that our surroundings and decisions are simply the norm and the chic thing to do, not "culture."
[ Mon May 05, 10:39:01 PM | Glorified Goddess | edit ]

You are the Low-Fidelity All-Star. You were born
with your cool, and it's totally natural. You
run the gamut from Hipster Supreme (only they
can ingest as much coffee as you) to the geeky
hipster (Mario Kart, anyone?).
Ahhh Yea, this is me, and I try not to wear coporate labels, unless someone needs an ego kicking by my bling bling.
[ Tue May 20, 09:44:57 PM | Glorified Goddess | edit ]
No. 220

The first time i've have a quiet time to myself and work is not pressing upon me. I'm so shocked, and then I was reading up on some sites I enjoy, and I came upon another article about blogging etc. Well, apparently i'm not the only one, but it seems that all blogs can be traced and it seems that friends of bloggers readily try to find them. How amazing, now, diaries are not safe I guess, but were they ever, it was just the naive me thinking, nothing will happen.

Obsessive

Ok, so watching some MTV VH1 special thing about how the paprazzi, not it was a A&E special, i've grown to love A&E, it's quite odd, it was a show about how this guy was saying that he has to photograph celebs because it's money and it's what the public wanted. I was thinking, very true very true, then to further confirm my point, I was watching the Osbournes rerun and Sharon had some Brit gossip mag and Kelly prominently displayed her own weekly copy of People on her chair. So yea, I guess it's always been the need to know ideal as for me yes, and i've just learned that Josh Harnett has been spotted smoking outside while friends were drinking it up inside some random club/restaurant etc. I think i'm finally comprehending the whole celebrity thing is not always ritzy glitzy. I mean, what if you wanted to be the "it" girl and couldn't or fell off, as many think about chain smoking Britney, or you just couldn't hoist your career up like that Taryn Manning girl with a band avec movie career. What if you became out before you became in, after all, there are only a select few. Just like the whole stylist thing, i'm good, but I know there are probably hundreds of thousands more people that are better then me and they've got "it," the "it" that makes that noticed, sometimes I don't have. It's all about a facade that I believe in and it's totally false and I want to believe it, yet it's not true. It's like telling myself realistically I only ate 1 serving of ice cream, but in reality, it was really 2 servings.

Registration Talk

I registered today and my friend came over, so she could register with me because she's a commuter student and would have come over anyways, but that's not the point. The point I realized is that i'm paralyzed with fear about long periods of times that I don't know what to do with or long periods of time with people I don' t know. That's why I never do vacations with semi strangers and that's why I always fear and hyperventilate about long lulls, but it's always turned out great, i've always had good conversations and the uneasiness always seems to pass on bye, yet every time, i'm paralyzed with fear.

Consuming

Culture, society, consumption by myself, I really don't know what to say, I mean, I can easily cloth like 50 people, fine I take it back, no I still remain, yes, I can cloth 50 people in normal day clothing and still have shit left over. it's so insane, I can probably cloth 55 people max. It's so sick, seriously, and the worst part is that my closet looks like shit, clothes are in little balls not waiting to be worn, but more like waiting to be used as a pillow. I mean, sometimes I enjoy the clustered closet, actually it's the only part that really does not compel me in my obsessive compulsiveness to clean it, I kind of like the disorder, it symbolizes something that is like art for myself. I can never draw, I just don't like it, i'm so critical, but the way my clothes line and how they're in different sections and how they're ranged is magnificent to me. It's odd, yes, and I could be a closet organizer too, a stylist, a blah blah blah, but you know what, i'm not, and it's just a dream. It's what happens to the weak, dreaming, if you dream so much, you become nothing but a dream and you don't live in reality. I think about my consumption, it's a lot, but it's that fullfilment, that coming home and plotting on the bed because you had an exhilrating day of shopping, it's very orgasmic, and no, sports don't do that to me nor a workout, sports make me sweaty and want to take a shower, not to mention I know that there will be a ring around my head too from the elastic, but shopping is just great, it's like the fillingness, while sports is more the feeling of badass thinness.
[ Tue May 27, 08:53:12 PM | Glorified Goddess | edit ]
No. 221

Oh Oh Oh, i'm blogging again (to the rhythm of that Pharrell song with Snoop)

Ok, so life is so ironic, and why do I personally constantly bitch about it.

Life is ironic, I find the most healthy people that i've known, my godfather, my swimcoach, my uncle-who I was never close to, but thought he was a swell guy not because he was nice, but he genuwinely enjoyed life and took care of his family. (Getting teary eyed). So, here I am, unhealthy, America's fat, and i'm still alive, yet these people are dead, close to dying, and yet here I am, still a live, bitching about life, and these people, what is it about them that makes them have to suffer. Is it the fact that they were so healthy that now they are fighting on to live, fighting to live what kind of life? I've read the book Tuesday's with Morrie who embraces death and blah blah so upbeat, sure you are, you can talk, you have all your knowledge, you just know you're dying. What's with the people, the aging ones, who can no longer talk, who can no longer move and are conscience of it, who know what's going to happen-what's going on, and can't voice it to the people who care the most? I just don't get it, I seriously don't, if I ever went into the field of medicine, I would want to know why the strong stay alive yet at a immobile state. That is the question, why the weak reach death faster and painlessly, while the strong have to duke it out, it's if they're fighting for the coveted spot in Heaven before being thrown into the depths of Hell. What gives?

It's as if I have lost the will to live. No, i'm not sucidical, but i've realized shopping it just not it for me anymore, school really is great-but I mean, I don't thrive like I did in high school. It's become to tedious, to exhausting. It's as if I would be perfectly content on my lounge chair on the balcony with nothing but myself lying there. I don't need music, water, sun block, lotion, lip balm, food, magazines, to do my homework, to go on the net, to go and organize or to look at my calendar. It's like i've stopped being obessive compulsive. Maybe this is the moment i've wanted to live, the moment where I realize everything is ok and i'm perfectly content sittnig there knowing the world won't wait, but it's ok, because it really doesn't matter as long as i'm happy, yet I have this whole anxiousness about what classes i'm taking Winter Qtr. when I really can't do anything, about how i'm going to law school-when I really can't do anything, when am I blah blah blah, when I really can't do anything about it, because I am a shaker and not a mover, because words cause more damage to the psychological phisyque then do actions...
[ Thu Jun 26, 05:23:39 PM | Glorified Goddess | edit ]
No. 222

This is so weird, um, I guess I haven't been on blogger in a while and the whole thing has changed. I'm not sure I even like it... It saddens me, I like the old blogger, this is so chic, but not like it use to be (memories).

Ok, so I've got a job this summer.

I do the job out of the thought of getting bored over the summer, and the pay ain't that bad, not that I need it, but hey, why not right? I think I've been getting too personal in my job. I expose parts of my life to co-workers, and I think people judge me by that, in a negative way the way I see it. They're not happy because they're jealous, it's plain and simple. In today's economy, the people working need the money, I have other motives for doing the job. I don't blame them, but they let their emotions get into there job. That's the hardest thing, I really shouldn't be getting personal. My personal has been a way to find things in common with other workers, but I find, it doesn't work. My co-workers will always be my co-workers, they cannot be my friends. In addition, since I work in an office, everyone is at least a good 20 years older then me, so in reality, whatever I see on TV sitcoms of everyone getting alone going out with drinks just does not happen. It probably does, but not in my situation. Maybe it's the lack of talking to other people during the five hour period of boredom that makes me get personal, all I know is I don't like it and I must refrain. I always tell my self that they never know about my life, and in a way, I wish I would tell it, but I can't, I shouldn't, and I won't from now on, because it's my life, not their's, and I just need to do my work and move on. I'm a worker, and that's all that needs to be said. Note to self: stop getting personal.
[ Sat Jun 28, 09:40:25 PM | Glorified Goddess | edit ]
No. 223

I'm blogging a lot and so sue me and why is it that they change the blogger thing again. I mean, HELLO, but I do enjoy this one better, the other one was really freakish.

I'm bored, I feel burnt out, then I downed 8 glasses of Tea-feel great afterwards, but I had a peed to much. I always feel burnt out after a long week, but then I hang out with friends, drink lots of water, and I feel fab again.

I realize that everyone lives in their own realm regardless of how many times you've been around the world and seen all these things blah blah blah foreign exchange blah blah blah, you are what you perceive things to be. I don't believe going to other places around the world changes me, it just shows me how other "select" people live. Furthermore, I was at a undisclosed area and I was listening to people talk about house prices etc. They were throwing out numbers like 300,000 etc and then someone said, you can't even get anything now for 100,000, and i'm thinking, yea you can, a bathroom. These people were in complete awe because they just couldn't believe it, but then again, I live in this area where prices are notoriously high, so basically I think one bathroom is worth 100,000 and 6 at least 600,000 right, but I was astonished not at them, but myself, for thinking, OMG? WHERE DO THEY LIVE? Because I couldn't fathom how it could all be possible to live in a house worth 100,00 and where this house could be. Then it dawned on me that I live this life in this "bubble." Bubbles aren't bad, but it just surprises me, how I use to live in some 100,000+ house and now it's almost 7 figures, so yea, it just shocks me how I change and don't even realize it because i've been around things for so long.
[ Thu Jul 31, 10:08:51 PM | Glorified Goddess | edit ]
No. 224

Ok, I miss my blog and now i'm blogging. So, I don't know what's the deal with me associating dark brown as ick. I don't like to wear it, yet it is very flattering on me and um... I own a lot of tan color things-so why not dark brown. I really don't know, but I must say, I think I enjoy dark brown.

After much searching, I finally got the W mag with Brit on it, dear god, and I realized, W is not a bad magazine, it has some pretty damn good articles minus Vogue ads. I was quite surprised, I figure they would have all this stuff I knew nothing about, but it's amazing, I actually enjoy it.

Ok, and now I look at my No. 223 post and it says, "i'm bored, I feel burnt out..." Ok, I am recalling back to memory that i've felt burnt out ever since my PG-13 rated Hawaii trip, it wasn't R rated-well sort of, but movie wise, it'd still get a PG-13 if it became a movie. So yea, I think i'm going to try that patting of concealer around the circles and get this new thing called a "pore minimizer" that apparently gives you the "airbrushed look." I enjoy the glow of subtle skin a la J.Lo and Lucy Liu, I enjoy it, but why can't I buy it. It's like, HELLO J.HO, you got the "glow parfum" paired with the J.Lo jumpsuit, but why can't we get the J.Lo glow near the face region?

It's been ridiculously hot, and yes, I have been very flustered by the heat and lack of sleep because it is so hot, so yea, i'm deprived.

Real World is quite interesting besides the fact that um, if CT would just constantly keep the hat/sunglass ensemble on, and not say a word-he's be hot, oh and I have a new love for the Osbournes-they're good, very good. Also, do keep really have to gyrate like that a la Justin Timberlake's "Senorita." It's quite risque and we all know that Brit isn't there to you know. Oh, and excuse-moi, um, Aston Kutcher is playing house and dad with Demi's kids. He goes to clubs with P. Puff Sean John Combs.

Oh, and why are so many young people getting married when they are so fearful of divorce? Is it the whole, "I don't think it will happen to me" motif. Seriously, I never get it, most times I think ok, if you're 30, early 30s, still young, but acceptable to get married, but if you're mid twenties to late, I just think it's a tad freakish. All I hope is if they don't get divorced.

A lot has been happening, I find that divorce runs rampant even to the best ones. I find that death is hard no matter who the person is, and it always seems so more personal when that person has touched your life. You never knew they would touch your life, especially if you've never meant them or only once in your life, but it's something they say, something they do, their motions, their actions, something that makes you remember them. It's so true when they say all experiences make you grow, rather you grow by the inch or by the foot, it happens, no matter what.

What's with the population of smokers? Now there seems to be more, is it the stress of the economy? Is it because now people aren't afraid to smoke and buy publically because they know celebrities are sucking it up? What's the deal man?

Also, what's with the Fam channel's "Changing Lives" thing about. Why is there always a rich one and a poor one and how they're like, "it's so small" or "i'm not use to this..." Hence changing lives, but I thought it'd be more like experiences of life as in different things people do, not just a change of atmosphere paired with more or less money?

Anyways, watching True Life now, and Already I don't feel compelled to, but will, because I have a loyalty to MTV. Oh yea, um... I was on a quest to find sunglasses this whole summer, I did it, and I've got that bad ass rock steady look-3 months of looking, one sale, rockin' again.
[ Mon Aug 04, 06:44:15 PM | Glorified Goddess | edit ]

No. 225

Ok, so I have to blog, it's so hard not to, mainly because i'm pissed off, yea, I am!

So, this person says that my family is overweight. Ok, good observation fool, I don't resemble the fob weighing less then 100 pounds because I never drink milk before from China. That's cool, but then, the guy says that my mom is way to fat, as in obese, she needs to sweat it off- um, like that's possible and that we need to do something about it. Ok, lets just get this over with now, results are never instant, and have you ever taken into precautions what health problems may occur or are occurring with my mother and my family in general. Ok, and also, I don't go around telling people they're way too fat. I don't go around and tell him that members only jackets are not cool anymore and dressing in the fob 50s motif of goodwill is not chic anymore. Do I go about and tell people that they can't dress? Do I tell them they need to chuck their whole wardrobe out of the door and buy new stuff? No, I don't, so what happened to this whole let me tell people shit, seriously. It's like, do I tell people they have no muscle tone and need to get some? What's the deal? Do I tell them it's wrong to buy faux brands in replacement of the real brands and try to pass it off as real? No, I don't say that stuff man, I don't, i'm respectful. I'm just thinking, do what you want to do man, stop worrying about others people's intimate business. Just like, I wouldn't say to someone, "hey, I think your feet are too large, ever try making them smaller?" Seriously, it's like, for christ sakes, i'm sick of this shit. I'm also sick of the, "oh, so what do you do, where are you from blah blah blah." It's like, I don't carry around a business card saying how much i'm worth...to be continued after din din.

*Back again...

Ok, so it really annoys me, it really does. Can I say that phrase even more. I don't feel the need to tell people what I drive, what I am currently wearing, and what accessories are in my life. I don't need to name drop, I don't need to say anything materialistic about myself and I don't make others say it either. It really annoys me. Oh yea, and more news about the "fat issue." Yea, apparently, we aren't suppose to drive our cars and walk to the supermarket which is like a good hour walk up hill. Um, I hate to say this, but it's true, my mother is old and she's slightly weak. If she fell or any medical condition came upon her, could I sue the guy? Yea, I could, and i'd take him for all he's worth-2 cents, ain't even worth the 50 cents. Seriously, some people are such asses and it's like for christ sakes, just worry about yourself and stop worrying about others, but people can't because it's out of jealousy. Seriously, that's why we're all intrigued about reality tv and who has the better life-I myself am a victim. FYI: the more I watch "The Restaurant," the more I think Rocco is an ass and I feel bad for all his employees, even Laurent, who is secretly brewing and wants to get out. I mean, if you're a chef- you should be cooking and if not, at least sending a freakin' entree to people rather then, let me sit in between these lovely ladies and hope they grab my ass and then tell my 80 year old mom about it, dear god, it's like the only thing good about the restaurant/boy is he actually speaks Italian.

Ok, also another thing that pisses me off. The mean people of music (guess the lucky abbrev for that), not them in general, but what they're about I guess you can say. I mean, hey, i'm all about it, you want to fight for the whole pirvacy thing blah blah blah good for you, but one question springs to mind, ok, so say, as an downloader because regardless of how many you download, everyone is a criminal, you get sued by your fave recording artist/group. So, you get sued by them, you lose, would you ever buy their cd again after that? Seriously, I mean, I don't like to be in abusive relationships, so there would be no way in hell that after I get sued by an artist/company representing them, and i've been buying their cds-yet you know, their singles are always the hottest and you just want one copy to listen on your comp. so you don't have to always pop in the cd, you get sued, and for that, your fave artist/group/company wins and you lose, yet they've got more money then most of us, would anyone want to be in that abusive relationship where after being sued, you'd go buy from the suee. I don't think so man! Give me a break. If the gov't was saying, ok, every company has to abide by the monthly fee law or whatever, cool, I can do that, i'll pay, but um... suing people is wrong, especially since these people, avid fans will go to concerts, buy stuff and in general probably buy the cd if it's good enough. I mean, what does it say if people download your music and not buy it-I'm sorry and it hurts everyones feelings, but it's just not a hit or to their liking. It's just like when people buy clothes, wear it, then return it. Do they get sued? After all, they tried it on, didn't really like it, so they returned it. I mean, shouldn't Nordies be suing everyone, since you can return anything at ones leisurely time. Yea, If people's music is good, they're buy it, they'll go to the concert, but all I gotta say is, that if i'm sued, I sure as hell ain't going to turn around and buy from them, I mean, i'll listen to it on the radio-wait for the fad to end, then new music comes-from an artist that doesn't have beef with me, and i'll buy their stuff. I just don't like abusive relationships.

Ok, I feel better, but all of a sudden it seems that life is all about money and materialistic crap. Seriously, everyone is hitting me up for money or making me feel like, "you have so much stuff, you don't need it." Not in a seriously, don't buy it, it's for your own good tone, it's like, i'm freakin' jealous of you and want to strangle you. Life ain't about that people, just move on. I was watching the news and this guy was saying, if the music industry says they have no money-then tell me why they have tons of bling bling around their neck. It was the best quote, of course I didn't write it down or anything and am paraphrasing, but it's like, figure out why you don't have that much money and want more. I mean, A. you work harder, B. you stop getting a giant entourage, and C. you become business savvy and take more of a cut rather then paying your barber some 50,000 to made sure you're fade is right. Give me a break. Seriously, I don't care if the bling is rented and all that stuff on screen is faux, but it sure does look real to most people and they can't tell the difference, so saying the talent is poor just ain't working. A la NSYNC didn't sue their fans, instead, they sued the Pearlman guy-why, because they got an unfair deal. I also bet you, tons of people downloaded their stuff too. Yea, so the music industry who says they're poor, come at me when you're driving Toyoto corollas and making videos in the true ghetto with no touch ups and editing, then come to me and i'll give you some bucks, but seriously, remember people, it's not about the Mercedes Benz with the price high as $200,000, it's now about the Bentleys at $500,000. Yea, come at me when you're driving a Toyota worth $10,000 then we'll talk about suing.
[ Sun Aug 10, 07:37:29 PM | Glorified Goddess | edit ]
No. 226

For the love of all things Issac. Guess whose back, Issac Issac, yea yea yea!

Wow, let me say I look damn good in his Issac grosgrain trousers and purple sweater. Yea, very plain, but yet, I feel the Issac spirit in me. It almost brings a tear to my eye. Actually, it does, why, because, I did not do my homework, so now I am greatly peeved. Yes, I decide to check out Target online and see what other things Issac has, um, no one said anyhting about shoes. So now, the one thing I've been looking for, driving loafer thingys, yea, they have them, in the classic brown, and what, I didn't get them! I don't have the complete Issac outfit. I'm so peeved, seriously, I was thinking about actually getting a pair of Dexters for 50 bucks, but it was in white and I felt rather old manish in them, not ladyish, but manish. Yea, so it was so freakin' sad. Now, i'm thinking, do I have to go back to Target tomorrow? I may not be either, the cars are being tuned up and fixed or whatever. Dear god, I don't know what to do. One thing for sure is i'm glad I didn't get a foot spa, cuz that have to cause me to rethink the Issac for a few miliseconds. Ok, peeved section over. I'm so glad Issac is back. He's a true genius, it's like, if I wanted to design a line, his would be it, but I'd always stick to the same colors rather then just always going for rich flamboyantly ravishing colors all around. I mean, I enjoy the pants the most cuz sometimes you want your legs to breath, not just be in skin tight Aguilera gear, so yes, god, love him man. My mom asks me, "why are all the good designers gay?" I'm thinking, I don't think a real man would have the patience to do good womens clothing. She's like, "right." He's genius, I don't know what to say, in a way, I wish i got to Target first, scooped up everything, then let the masses in. So yea, kind of sad about that, but all I have to say is Issac better be bringing in more merchandise or i'm going to freak out.
[ Thu Aug 14, 07:32:53 PM | Glorified Goddess | edit ]
No. 227

For the love of all things Gucci. I think I live in a distorted life...

So, it seems my best thinking is done in the car, even though my car rides are rarely more then 15 minutes, but yea, I think in the car, not in the bathroom, not while watching TV or doing something mindless, I think in the car. Sidenote: my parents are now more popular then me, they have gone out every single day of the week except Wednesday or something. Anyways, so further reminding myself that no one cares, or if they do care, I don't get it because I put my phone on silent and can't hear the thing... Ok, so everyone knows how in high school it's all material superficial crap right, well it doesn't change much, it's just that people brew secretly instead of screaming it outloud in our high school days. So yea, I always wonder about the whole class system that is not suppose to be here, but we still associate with it. What is middle class, and upper middle class and all that. I'm so confused, because, I think I live a distorted life. I think people who make a million-ish are middle class? Then, why is there the blue collar and white collar classes? That's why, I think i'm really distorted. Also, ok, so I watch all those It's Good To Be Fabulous Life of J. Ho etc and i'm thinking, compared to so and so, they don't make that much, but then i'm like, you're nothing worth talking about if you don't make a billion plus, which I know is kind of distorted too. I mean, I really don't think $500,000 is a lot of money, it doesn't look like it, but it is right? Much people would think so, but for some reason, i'm like, it's nothing, whatever. Oh, and it's odd because my mom was saying her friends are upper class-but I was thinking they're middle class... Then, I realized most of my family members have made at least a mill, and i'm thinking-middle class. I think I have a distortion. Oh yea, and I will never look at pictures of myself anymore. I look so distorted, and when me and my cousin take really cute homes- we look like freaks. One picture I looked like a giant lemon, yes, thanx to Abercrombie's ski coat in yellow being the "in" thing because we dreamed we'd be Puff Daddy, ghetto chic-esque. I always have this distorted vision, like all those places you see that are all nice and pristine-I think people live there, but it's not true, people have stuff and the stuff must be somewhere right. I also feel so weird, like I never fit in, I don't think I can apply those middle upper class things anymore. I use to try to associate, yea, another thign that I can't be a part of, just like church-it's ain't happening, my mind's too powerful for that stuff, and no, i'm not going to sit in a no airconditioned church with nylons on with 90s chic motif around me. Oh yea, note to self: weddings must always be in well ventilated air conditioned properly aired spaces. Yea, which is weird, because I mean, most people get nervous wearing lots of stuff going to sweat... must remember that for future friend as well.

Oh, and also another distorted vision, I think everyone is on the rocks or separated, yet why do I see so many young people getting married while media sources are screaming it's declining1 out of 4 blah blah blah. Yea, young people are getting married, I can't even get a date. Seriously, and has anyone ever wondered about those people who float from boy to boy-and not really in that skank way, they just float and ignore friends. I've pondered, and i'm like, how does that happen? Is it true that once you've dated, people get the "vibe" and want to date you? I also wonder, why can't people be single? Is it probable, that at age 18 or so, they're looking for "true love" and that is the reason for heavy dating? I'm thinking, ok, we have years ahead, but then again, i'm secretly freaking out because what if you have to do that whole Angelina Calista Flockhart type thing, not dating freaks, but more like, adopting on your own and some how being both mother and father and having your kid be cool with it like some kid with two gay parents. I mean, yes, most of the time i'm sure the kid is cool, but after a while-wouldn't anyone be like, "why can't I be normal?" That is followed by the stage of uniqueness and being "the one" and blah blah blah and living a glorious eccentric life, or is it truly glorious? Such as mine, outside it seems fab, but like the new Vanity Fair says in the comments section to something of this context, "Teens aren't exciting, I should know, I am one." Yea, but it's just not teens-why is reality tv so amazing, yet our lives are so freakin' boring it seems, but essential it is the same? I am so confused, and my mom and think our dad is lost... life of being socially elite-getting lost before schmooze.

Also, I was looking at the sharper image, so, now there is a foot spa with remote. My god, it's like, don't bend over to press the button, add another remote to your collection to do the job for you. I also have been seriously thinking about getting one of those elliptical machines-but I wonder if they break easy. I'll probably get a cheapy 200 buck one, and plus, I could secretly bring it up to the dorm, put it on the balcony and work out, besides the fact people would see and gawk at me-i'm not sure I want that, but then again, I sleep out there too, not by chance-I fell asleep.

With the whole money thing, it seems i'm getting poorer, I want to get the Will & Grace DVD, foot spa, those Issac driving loafers, and that 200 buck thing, all I have to pay for it now probably by my own money since I work. The whole basis of my job was to keep me from boredom-not to actually spend the money. So yea, but mental note-must get those things.
[ Wed Aug 20, 04:48:27 PM | Glorified Goddess | edit ]
No. 228

I've been missing my blog lately. So here I am, addicted yet again, but not to the frequency of some and formerly myself with one blog a day.

Ok, so just read, MaryKateAshleyOlsen are doing a toothpaste, what I thought is, god, is there anything they haven't touched yet, and then i'm thinking, mental note-will check out at Target. Yea, so let's say they're hot, damn hot and I mean, I myself am 19 and they're like what, 17, but yea, I still semi-worship them just as I do of Demi in her 40ish state. I also read this article in an old People where MaryKateAshley whatever one of them because I can't tell them appart even since i've watched almost everything they've made, says that Kielh's Blue toner is great, I feel intrigued and hey, for some reason i'm thinking, "I need the blue stuff." So yea, I've never used toner in my life, but now apparently i'm considering it-they are truly a marketing genius'.

I'm just obsessed with products and now I official know where I get it from-my mother. She too, loves the packaging of all products and wants to buy as well. I've tried to streamline myself and my world. I too, wanted that Travel + Leisure Architectural Digest-esque living space and I too wanted to look so put together a la Gwenyth, but I realized, you can't be in Architectural Digest if you live in the house-because for example, people have newspapers, they read them, they're on the coffee table, something that's not shown in those mags. Gwenyth is so glam so consist with her style on the red carpet, but off, man, I feel for the people who have to crop those Gwen pics for the mags like People. Really horrific, so yea, it seems like celebrity is so glam, but to a degree.

Which brings me to the point of how channelsl ike VH1 and MTV have made me then that millions are crap until you've got at least 100 and if you've got a billion then it's worth taking about. It's like that point where Jermaine Dupri says that no one is a baller until they have a Bentley. Yea, JD should get a new Bentley every year because well- how talked about is the name Bentley? Interesting note, as i'm going to work, I see this car, a BMW, it has a tail fly thing you know, one of those giant things on the back of the trunk, so it's blue, it's got these massive wheels, and I recognize the guy in it. At first i'm like-oh it's this guy from school, but then I think, not HS, but College. So yea, this guy was actually in my class and I also saw him at the Gap. He was driving this car, and i'm thinking-dear god, where does HE live. I think he lived down in the valley. He would never talk in class and hung out with this sev7n wearing Vuitton slinging girl. I'm thinking-wow they make a pretty good couple. Style was consistent- mainly because they sticked to black and wore basically the same thing. Also what struck me was that the girl while toting Vuitton had some nappy backpack, it wasn't even Northface, it was Eddie Bauer-just kind of odfd when you're Vuitton sporting to me anyways. The guy's BMW was not like a classic navy color, it was this really odd blue thing going on-I didn't check to see if it was a M3, but I figured not. But yea, intrigue set upon myself and I wondered what are those people about, what's up with them, why haven't I seen them around...

Another intrigue, as i'm reading one of the local newspapers the PI or the Intelligenter or some crap like that. I really don't enjoy reading the newspapers because of the ink on my hands afterwards deal, but I was strangely drawn to the cover by two cute little korean girls-they were telling a story, about how they would meet their birth parents again since they were adopted. It's such a touching story, those really get to me. I myself am not adopted and I myself was not poor and had to be given up because the parents couldn't support me-yet I link myself with them, god knows why, simply because they're Asian and possibly because I myself don't have such a riveting story like that to be told. BUT, as i'm wondering about I see the Life section and there's this reality show called The Family Feud or some crap. Anyways, I see the social secretary dude, Allen something or some other. Well apparently, the guy's from Seattle and works in my area. Yea, so i'm thinking, ok, who has a social secretary and why do I not know about this. The story is painted like oh juts a well-to-do fam no big deal. Until you read this one part to the context of "deparment store magnate and her husband." Ok, for all those who know like myself, first off, not many people in the department store business, and the most famous of this area lives here, so it wasn't hard to figure it out. And it's easy to find how big the family is how many sisters-since it was obviously a she. Also, then i'm thinking, "she has a giftwrapping room." I too would be blessed to have one-but i'd probably have like a multi-tasking room a la Martha, it's what you call a crafts room or some sort. So yea, i'm thinking dear god-who lives like that and is rich, not riche. Obviously, the department store magnate and Allen are not rich, they're riche, hands down. So I ponder and think, wow this is another way to glorify it, yet downplay it. It's all about that these days, some people say we're so rich making others feel so poor when they really aren't. It's just as Tara Reid and Carmen Electra use to vamp it up and are now damping it down. Yes, they're covering their arms too! I myself was shocked. I mean, Tara and Carmen, love them, some of the fashion faux pas, but seriously, it's a big step from going to wearing plastic to wearing sateen-esque fabrics. Not only are they doing that, but they're looking towards the 50/60s glam. Very shocked myself.

So yea, I guess my inflatuation with other peoples lives still go on. I myself wonder, but probably they are all the same etc, but everyone is still fascinated by the unknown and mine just happened to be the most trivial. Also saw the "Newlyweds." Ok, so Jessica is helpless, Nick is like the almighty brute who does it all and is smart. Jessica for some reason seems so impowered and smart on camera, but then at home, she's like, "Am I eating chicken or tuna?" What kind of question is that, it's like, hey, I don't know what i've been eating for ten minutes, let me just interupt during a sporting tv thing and ask. Nick gives her the piercing look. Also, I never realized how cheap they are dear god, I looked into their bedroom-my god, it's huge but strewn with clothing all over the place-utter ew, and their bathroom isn't what I like to call a santuary. And whose idea is it to tell the makeup artist to set up shop on the dining table-people eat there man, I don't want to see specks of glitter or a eyelash as i'm munching down on din-din. They probably don't even use the room, unlike myself-who can't stand eating anywhere else besides the dining room table. It's also my way like I don't drink fluids in the bathroom or chew either. The show was entertaining, Jessica was mos def fun, but they seemed kind of sad, kind of weary, like married life was getting them down. Also, what's with her and those freakin' muramaki bags. It's one thing to hold it by your side, but does she have to thrust it in the camera to make everyone know she has ones-I mean it's implied she has one-she's a celebrity, no matter what list she's on. Anyways, i'm out, i'm going to do some leg exercises and watch a little of Will & Grace. I bought the DVD too, but I have yet to watch it. Sidenote, the Osbournes DVD comes out September some time, oh yea, we're getting that too. Another sidenote: the Issac driving loafer, I got it, it was worth it, hella nice, and hella comfy-my style has evolved and now set in stone thanks to my three brown loafers. Colors vary with style.
[ Thu Aug 21, 06:01:31 PM | Glorified Goddess | edit ]
No. 229

I'm blogging again, it's like i can't stay away, well it's semi better then watching TV at least.

Ok, so I can't take it anymore, maybe i'm so flustered with my dad making a racket outside and a paper shrewding truck grinding away at work-I realized how much I like silence. So yea, I also realized i've become this depressed not so funny person anymore. Use to, I had some witty comments. Reason why I realized this, while watching this show called "The Other Half," with Mario from Save By The Bell, he was saying that "he becomes American Idol while in the car," this referring to if he talks or in his cause sings to himself. I realized, I use to say things like that, but have no cease to do so...it's odd, god knows why, all I say is Hoyt now.

Also, why are people fronters or as Pharrell and Jay say Frontin' is the song, although I don't quite get it because it's just a large reference to their party lifestyle while using red solo cups wearing Billionaire Boys Club tees. So yea, I realize that when someone has something important to them, they dress to the nines, yet if not, they dress like a bum. Now, their important things are like going to a luncheon or some meeting, yet if they're going to the same place but not for a meeting or a little get together-they're not dressing to go to a wedding. I myself have always just worn what I've worn with respects to office attire etc, but I mean, I don't judge the place i'm going and wear what I wear, of course if I was going hunting i'd probably wouldn't wear a skirt. That's not the reference i'm making, but it seems that if they know that I hate using this term but rich people will be there, they break it all out, but if it's just to the supermarket, they stow it away and use the faux shit, i'm like people, what's the deal. Seriously, and they always act better then you, or at least, better then me, like i'm just a kid a no body, which is semi true, but at least I don't treat people that way. For instance, it someone parks my car for me, I don't smugly walk away and just throw them a tip, I look them in the eye, I say thank you so much, and move on. Some people i've realized are really mean to the customer service industry. It's as if they're somewhat lower and unworthy of their attention, but i'm thinking, we'll they choose the job, it's there's and they weren't really mean to you, so why be a bitch right? I mean, of course, given the smart mouth I think i'm all that because I work at some random store blah blah blah of course if they get katty with me i'll put them in their place, but I mean, I don't assume and I mos def don't judge first, but then again, I let the good ones get my commission. I mean, if in any way my shopping experience as not been smooth sailing with that sales associate-they really don't get the commission. It just shocks me at how people can be so fake, it's like, ok, you put up a front, but when not with some people you aren't. I guess in some way I do that, but i mean, I don't do it all the time. Such as if someone thinks looks down on me fiancially, it's fine, the next time i'll just happen to wear some bling bling and all they can do is gawk, but most times, I don't make that conscientious effort of if i'm going to Chinatown i'm going to wear crappy stuff-also because I really don't own any crappy stuff. Also, I really don't get why Asians don't appreciate the finer things in life for the reason of quality not brand. Of course, once Asian and made it you will see them sport the Benz and Rolex and some Vuitton. It's it, but it's like, what ever happened to Constantine, Hermes, real Chanel and just a BMW? Like, I don't need to get a license plate with 333 or 888 or have a special plate for my C class Benz-it's like give me a break, seriously? But yea, some people buy real Vuitton, but you see them sporting a faux Chanel? What's up with that, also the always gold Rolex that doesn't match their outfit? What are people thinking? Just because they have a Rolex they better always wear it. Dear god-ok,be back,phone...
[ Tue Aug 26, 05:35:31 PM | Glorified Goddess | edit ]
No. 230

Look at me, I just can't get away from blogger-but is that a bad thing.

Ok, so there's been a few things I wanna air out like my dirty laundry. That didn't sound right, strike that your honor.

First off, does having 50 pairs of shoes make me bad, at first it was 49, but then I got another pair. Also, these 50 pairs aren't including flip flops and house shoes i.e. slippers for going to sleep and walking around the house. I don't know, because for the past year in college, i've only worn like 4 pairs, does that make me a bad person? Does that mean i'm depleting the world of the materials used to make shoes? Why are shoes so cheap, do I need to start buying Choos or something so I don't spend mucho on shoes-even though I enjoy comfort over nasty feet after wearing them because they hurt like a fresh tatoo. Speaking of tatoos, it's true that Brit got this tat that she tought meant something, but meant something else. Ok, so you would think it doesn't happen to be or happens to stupid people, um Brit, what were you thinking? I haven't even counted how many jackets I have, and I never will, for fear of feeling bad.

Ok, so i'm just stalking people's journals, no, i'm just reading them to get a heads up on their life. I read this one community where this girl says that the girls who wear the Tiffany's braclets and necklaces-the logo ones are trying to be prestigious, but never are and it's the only thing they can buy. Um, so does that make me one of "those" girls. Frankly, I think not, maybe because I don't sport my set every single fucking day like some girls I know-it's just a question, don't they ever get bored of it. Secondly, I own a lot of Tiffany's jewelry, not a light, but in total, i've probably bought like 10 pieces for myself and given them to friends. Yes, like P. Puff Homie says, "my guest drink and eat what I drink and eat." Ok, so when he said it, it sounded cooler, but yea, I mean, hey, my friends and fam rock the same Tiffany's as I do. I personally tought about engraving the tag braclet for my future daughter who one day would keep it as a namesake. I've often worn the chain and not shown the tag on my necklace, but Tiffany's is just so timeless, yes somewhat Waspy and all that as some of the girls are sporting-which pisses me off, but then again, they look cheesier then I do. It's just like those girls with the faux LV Muramaki bags who think they're hot shit. Yea, right. I also pair my accessories with a nice watch, not some little slinky faux silver crap. I must say it looks odd when A. very shiny Tiff's stuff, then lack lustre silver rings and such.

Also, huge debate about the badness of Vogue. This one sucks bad, it's like, only Vogue can make Victoria and that Beckham guy look ultra suave and cheesy at the same time when he has a cast on his arm and they joux up his sleeve. Dear god, and they're like-we're hot, i'm thinking, ok, you're not. This month's vogue is horrendous, dear god, it has nothing in it, just an article about Issac again-they had one a long time ago too, and InStyle beat them to the Issac matter. Also, I realized that W is a great mag as is Vanity Fair. W is just like wow, out there, their images are so strong and so saying you can't ever wear that, but you secretly wished you could type deal. It's amazing not to mention that the pages are huge and I was thinking, great wrapping paper as well as framing something in my dorm because I really don't like that whole poster motif. It's like people, I'd rather see a framed cute little card i.e. quaint and kitschy then some poster of orcas. Although, I have yet to read my magazines, dating back way back, but Vanity Fair always get me-it's their cover, and their copy isn't bad either. But it's all about the cover, and frankly I don't like Nicole on Vogue-so it really doesn't do it for me. She's just not what's happening, like I rather see pale Christina on Vogue the Nicole. She just freaks me out-she's trying to be someone she's not. Christina looks good if you just take away the fact that she's a singer and did all that stuff, if you just look at her image, it's totally revolving in that picture-it's what the new Versace will be like-not that i'd wear it, not my style, but I mean, I can see the vision, yes paleness is not J. Lo's cup of coffee, but Christina looks real, she's embodies the image. While Jennifer does not. You see her, and her attitude comes out like a girl from the Bronx and if that's what Louis wants then that what he gets. Also, what's with her body, the whole butt portion is so not normal looking and did we all see those cheekbones, seriously, it's not fashion, she just looks like a disgruntled 6 train sitting Bronx girl that got her hands on faux Louis. Also, it's like whoever made that page did a horrid job, when they cut it in half, you can't see the bags, just her ass is like full on that guys back and some guy falling back is carrying some dinky bag. Seriously, like i'd be better if she was walking down the street a la that J.Lo LL Cool J vid with black on carrying the thing and as she walks up, some guy fully punked fashioned out slams into her and she uses the bag to hit and run. That'd be like what Louis is emboding, but now, it's just J.Loandherass holding a bag that you know she doesn't sport because she likes Gucci anyways. WOW, tangent. Must go prep for Will & Grace. I think i've gotten funnier-my friends and blogger have helped me a lot.
[ Fri Sep 12, 07:38:11 PM | Glorified Goddess | edit ]
No. 231

Is there something wrong with me? Mentally?

Okay, so my get a call, my girls wanna go out, i'm saying, nah-just wanna say home and chill. They're like cool, ttyl. I tell my mother, and she's like how dare you not go blah blah blah. Am I unsociable? I'm pretty social when I "on." I've got this fear that I have nothing to say or nothing to talk about with people, but it never happens, i'm on when i'm with new people, i'm like Barbara Walters-just more forward and I don't make people cry. So yea, is it weird, on Friday night, I enjoy staying at home watching tv and sitting on the couch? Some people are always complaining about not having anywhere to go and blah blah blah, but I enjoy being home, chilling as they say. I enjoy being by myself, I even get annoyed when Winnie the Pooh and I share my full bed. It's not like there's not enough room-but I rather Winnie sleep on the floor because I like that extra arm room. Is that weird or what? What am I gonna do when I marry, "sorry hun, I really enjoy sleeping by myself." my other half, "but baby, we have a king bed, yea I know, but there's another in the next room..." Great... ok and if my other half is a chronic snorer-oh are we gonna have some problems. Maybe I just don't want to go out because I feel gross today. Well i've got a headache and I refuse to take Tylenol for fear it will never do me any good when I take to much in my later years of life.

I also realized that I can't win and that's why I try so hard to win i.e. live life.

Ok, so there's this analogy thing or whatever someone wants to call it about how if a dog pushes a lever it gets a treat, but there's two examples. One is when the dog gets the treat after a certain time or number of pushes-so it's not fun anymore or something, but the other dog who continues to push it and never knows when the treat comes out of the little shoot always tries the hardest and is surprised. I think that's how I'm like and that is what makes me and maybe people live their lives the way they do. I complained while working saying I was too busy and didn't have any time, but then i'm not working and I don't know what to do with myself. It's like, wonderful, great, what am I gonna do. It's like I win and i'm not happy and I want more, if I lose, i'm not happy and I still want more. Wanting more is just a phrase- I actually don't know what I want, but I want it, it's like this thing, just like Fabolous on his BET special of "How I'm Living." He has a bread maker-do you thing the rapper is like, let me make bread then go to the studio, oh give me a break. I found myself recently gauking at the Olsen twins, MK and Ash as they known. It's so hip, it's so chic, they're so chic and hip too. I found peopel talking about Ugg boots, it's the ones that Jessica Simpson has been sporting on that camping trip and all those teen celebs, and I was thinking, OMG, I need some Ugg boots. They're literally like snow boots that people in Detroit wear, but for some reason, i'm like, I enjoy those giant clunky chunky boots and I'd love a pair. I don't wear boots at all, but i'm thinking, god, they'd look damn chic with a pair of jeans? What's wrong with me, it's like I see it on someone, and i'm like oh it's fab, but when I do it, i'm like I hate it, move on. I now know the complete insainty of me wanting things, god, it's sunk to a new level Ugg boots. I also found myself wanting Carson of Queer Eye fames lovely shirt that he wore to revamp the mono brow man. I also realized I enjoy mens clothing-it's so easy, so simplistic, so timeless, so chic. Women's clothing is horrendous. Either you're straight runaway and look fab or if you try to get knock offs you look like a hag. For women, they're not way to look great all the time because everyone makes bad decisions, but men, so much more easier. They just need pants, jeans, tees, shirts, sweaters and a jacket. There's no accessorizing. Their hair is their accessory. It's always so effortless, so easy when put together right, or they're kind of cute slobby-esque, but women, dear lord, I still remember that picture in People of Gwenyth with no makeup. Dear lord have I never been that terrified...off to await my Barbara Walters Osbourne special. I enjoy 20/20 and Green tea, i'm not old, I swear.
[ Sun Sep 21, 10:14:00 PM | Glorified Goddess | edit ]
No. 232

So, i'm blogging. I read like the second line of my blog and it says, "Okay, so my get a call..." What am I thinking, i'm not intoxicated, I think I really meant to say, "Ok, so I get a call..." It goes to show that it's all about MYself that I forget I and Me.

Today has been odd. I didn't go out at all, like nada, I stayed home, read some 225 pages, watched the whole Emmy's and that whole E! Emmy's thing while secretly thinking that if Joan Rivers get poked by one of those feathers again she will scream and ask for the thing to be burned on site. Also, what happened to the daughter-she looked really just not right, like you know there's that heroin chic motif, it was like bad trailertrash too skinny as in Laura Flynn Boyle bulimic chic I guess, I mean, she looked great, but the dress was more like cocktail party rather then Emmy-esque. I mean, the whole feather thing was atrocious, but when can anyone ever get away with it, only at some large award show, I mean, even Liz Taylor or Diana Ross couldn't get away with it at some random function.

Anyways, I think i've solved it, my affinity with the whole American class system. Money matters, but only to a degree. It's all about reading between the lines. I mean, sure, money matters, but to belong to a certain class really has to do with the whole meaning of class and what you represent, what you represent is your class, money is like 1/3 of the whole game to belong. This came about while reading some sort of article and the author finally got it that BMWs are just as much as Hondas. I mean, he finally said it or she did, finanlly someone realized, and then I realized, it's not about the money you have entirely, it's about what you like, your tastes, what you stand for, what you see yourselves as, but then again, class is just a facade, a way of belonging, like to a church or some sort, it's just that a class is so much more glam because it involves money. Also, why is money so glam, it's dirty, not like politican dirty, but I mean, money has been handled by everyone and often makes you fee icky because it's got such crap on it. Also, what's with money, I myself never really carry anything under a 20. That's why I was so perplexed as this lady was helping her daughter exchange some Gucci classes for something else. The different was like 7 bucks, and she proceeds to actually break out a fiver and a few ones. I was shocked, shocked that this women who was like, "oh, I finally found this, it belongs to my Michael Kors glasses." She was talking about the lens wiper. I didn't know people use them, they're miniscule, just wipe at home and go. So the lady breaks out bills that are smaller then a 20. I myself always do the cash machine route so I mean, 20s, no big deal, most times though I have to admit, that the things I buy usually amount to the 20 amount. That's also the reason where i'm saying screw change, I mean, no one uses it, but my mother. The old lady in her still counts it out and stuff, while i'm like throw it in the bag and go. So, watching the Emmys, Ray Romano and that whole show he has, seen it a few times-that's middle class right? 7th Heaven is middle class right? I guess I don't live with people like that, so I myself am thinking, we're normal-we're middle class, but then it's all distorted because what makes Ray and 7th families then huh? OH, and Emmys looking a bit like Ghetto MTV VMA awards. Faux men kissing and that Emmys and SYMME thing, um, any more ghetto then that, dear god, it was like, hey we ran out of materials, here ya go man. Seriously, they could have just done better with a little lighting and a large statute of the award or just some screen, plasma as it's main focus, but that EMMY YMME thing was horrific.

School is about to begin. I am feeling kind of hapy. I mean, first off, at least I won't be spending a lot even though to say there's this thing called tuition and dorm. I realized that I could shop every single day, and the sad part is that shit is freakin' cheap ok. LIke, who pays 105 bucks for DKNY terry pants when they're marked off at the Rack to 39.99 then 75% off that, so it's like 7 bucks, but who really pays the 105 for DKNY terry pants? So, that little spending, times like every single week and sometimes twice amounts to not just a little lump sum of like a 100 bucks, but it's a lot. Like, I never thought I myself would just be spending some 2,000 bucks, I actually thought I couldn't spend that much in a year on clothes and random things like Kiehl's lip balm, but apparently, just on my calculations, I am possing the 2,000 bucks just on my own alotted little account not to mention the buckets my mom spends too, like I think i'm heading towards the 3 gs a year. 3 g's times like 21 years, wow, yea, that's when I freak out and say i'm getting poor. Also, because i've still got shit with tags, and i've gotten kind of fat-so it's really like, Winnie the Pooh, I hope you enjoy a nice Peasant blouse in hunter green for ya I got for some 17 bucks at BP. Lord, and I also amassed that great collection of college chic wear. Consisting of sets of sport gear, because we all know if you get the pants you have to get the jacket too. Dear god, and coats. I have enough coats to last me one each week without repeating the whole year and a few dress up ones for special occasionals. I have enough shoes dear god, it's like, now my shoes match my winter vests. This isn't a bragging thing, but it's like, what happened. I'm well functioning, I have friends, I read, I work out, I go to school, I worked this summer, I ate, I hung out with fam, yet I still amassed this great collection, and I went on the internet at least like 20 minutes a day and I woke up at like 10 and went to bed at 11:30 right after Will and Grace, so how could I have so much time to amass this large load of stuff. And the sad part-is i'm cheap, so I really can't see my self giving it away just yet, so it's like literally brewing in my closet. Like, I don't know what to do. It's not created a headache. I've always dreamed of that "good, stylistic well rounded closet of good shit." Now, it's like, anyone need an outfit to go to India in, i've got it, oh, you need matching accessories-i've got it locked down too. I enjoy my variation, but now it's just too much I feel, but I can't stop, it's like due to the bad economy, things are cheaper and still good quality, so i'm like dear god, most hoard. The Bon Macy had a sale. One sporty mesh skirt from Nike in baby blue, originally 28 bucks, 4 something including tax. How could I not resist, hella cheap, fit nice, great for sporty times, and I mean, the 4 bucks wasn't for used shit, it was good never been worn stuff. Dear god, this is the war i'm facing. It's like forget about high prices of oil in Iraq, i'm helping the economy way to much-like i'm feeling bad. Real bad, and my parents are still chill-they're like yea whatever we're just going about our lives. Me, i'm like, omg, i've lost receipts, I've paid way to much for dinner, omg, I just bought like more workout shit, so much that I got a yoga mat. It's insane, and I don't know what to do. I mean, I heard about this guy on Ebay who sold all his stuff and traced it's new owners-kind of shit, but why. I mean, say for instance, love this jacket-bought it for like say 50 bucks, go to Ebay it sells for 10 bucks. I mean, never really worn the thing, but my jacket to someone else is worth only 10 bucks while I paid 50 and loved it. That makes me feel used, icky, and violated. It's like saying, you taste is semi ok, but hey, I wouldn't take it for 50, i'd take it for 10. That's how it is. It's like, it's called bidding, but bidding too low makes me feel offended. That's why my large collection can't be dissipated. OMG, and Grace just won. WHOOWEE, she's good. Will and Grace have great chemistry. Off to think of what to do with large collection of amassed goods. (Not bragging-just have to get it off my chest. To bad no one is the same size as me and is a dear and close friend-or i'd readily let her borrow or give to her.)
[ Wed Oct 01, 10:15:46 PM | Glorified Goddess | edit ]
No. 233

Here I am again. At blogger, at college, sitting in the same chair, just a different room. Taping away at my laptop, realizing that for some reason, all I want to do is hang out on my unopened balcony and gaze deeply into the Space Needle. Yea, it's like I feel like i'm Kelly Clarkson of American Idol fame, once school started, I didn't have time for anything and I needed to do everything, now I have a solid 51 minutes before I head to sleep. It's strange, I can actually get to sleep now, I feel the area that I loathed, which is now my bed is ok, in fact, I enjoy it more, even though I have to stare at my bed. I mean, I've never gotten the whole connecting furniture motif, but i'm ok, because with the connection of my bed, I can just sit and type on my bed and just chill. This is what i'm donig now.

Living with people is nice, and I also realize how some people can't find roommates etc or enjoy their own rooms. I get it now, I honestly do. Also, I don' t know what's going on, but on Monday, I missed my parents and my home terribly. Like, I wanted to go home to eat dinner and ask my dad to take me back, but I thought, it'd just be a waste of resources. I'm so looking forward to going home. Racing up to my room, packing my weekend bag, taking the elevator down and heading straight towards the waiting car while everyone some how stares again. It's so weird, maybe their envious, but it's the same with going to the library. I myself, make many wardrobe changes a day, so it's only natural that I change into comfy yet stylish clothing to study in, so yes, I match, but it's very standard comfy clothing, so as I walk towards the library, someone are at all at me, they just chance by, and i'm thinking-is there a need for such a glance? I highly doubt it, and it wasn't like I wrapped myself with a pashmina over my sweatshirt.

I have nothing to say, annoying peeves have been vented, and 50 cent doesn't make me angry, but it makes me want to get up on my bed and do that vid ho dance. Yea, but I won't, knowing me, I'll probably fall off the bed and that just won't be what we call suave.

OH, I also got myself a new journal, but have cease to write in it. It's like I feel a loyalty to this thing, through good and bad. It's like buying Legally Blonde, if you get that one, u know you gotta get the other one too because well you need the set even though the movie wasn't as good. But anyways, I will be around...
[ Sun Oct 19, 10:41:58 PM | Glorified Goddess | edit ]
No. 234

If i'm backing out and there's a space to my right, it doesn't give you the right to pull into the space as i'm backing out, simply because i'm still backing out and i'm sure you're not that fucking important to need to go into that space first. If you were that fucking important, you wouldn't be buying your own groceries would you? Yea, and what's worse, is that if I wait for you to get out of the car, you cease to do so, so let me get this straight, you pulled into the spot causing me to stop while I was the one in motion, and then you don't get out of the car. So clearly, you were not in a rush? Yea, like if you rushed in, ran out of the car, and said a little terrible sorry etc, understandable, but while waiting for you to get out of the car you just dilly dally in the car, unacceptable and simply classless, regardless of the Lexus you are driving. Yea, I don't care if you look pulled together and nice, but you are simply a classless person, you're not a bad driver, you just have no class and common courtesy. What makes it acceptable for people who assume they have money to be disrespectful and classless? It's not acceptable. I didn't use the phrase more money then others-so no, there is no ego trip, and no, simply because you choose the Lexus over the Benz is not an acceptable answer to being, "hi, i'm not snooty because I bought something thought of as less prestigious." No, it just means you're new money, or you have no class, or you feel that you don't like that prestigious atmoshpere other people give which is only perceived by you. That prestigious attitude is only in your mind and by the most part-people do act nice. I mean, benz drivers are relatively nice and considerate, bmw drivers zoom in and out even when driving a 3 series because apparently they perceive it to be so cool to be putting the pedal to the metal then quickly breaking... and the jaguar drivers just want to front then realize it's really a lincoln and you have to say the name as in jag-u-ar and in a brit accent, not just like an American saying the animals name. Yes, but regardless of what the lady was trying to present herself as-because it's known that we all buy things that want to present us (image making), seriously, has anyone else noticed, people who assume they have money or more then you seem to act like they can treat others or do things simply because well, for lack of better word-they can. Yes, and one day, that lady who pulled into the spot next to mind will do the same thing, but this time, she'll hit the other car-presumably an old lady or fellow mother, either court or a tremendous scare will ensue and lets take it from there. If not, well then she' bloody lucky and sooner or later, she'll just have to live in the distorted world of how she perceives herself to be. Seriously, but I am sick of these people. It's like, I don't treat the local QFC women ringing up my groceries any different then i'd treat my friends. It's like, sure she's doing menial labor while she's 30, but I mean, I'm not going treat her like nothing or not acknowledge her, I mean, if she weren't there, who'd run up my groceries. She's there to help, and that's that. It's just like, a doctor or lawyer is a no better profession then anyone elses. It's simply another task that helps someone, whether in every day lives-legally, or body wise. Your body and daily live is just part of your lifestyle. It just so happens that those people went to school-more school then others who give you your dry cleaning. America doesn't have a class system, well not like in India were it's a caste system and etc, but in a way, even though people don't associate themselves with middle class etc or whatever class have you, still, people realize it, in the back of their minds, and that's one of the main ideologies that create and make racism flourish. Racism including color, ethnicity, and money. It's like, when you say "Chinese restaurant owner" you've got an image, if you saw, "soccer mom" you've got an image, if you saw, "unabomber" you've got an image. I'm sure not all, unabombers looked like the one, and i'm sure not all soccer moms look like Faith Hill with a short haircut and drive a volvo. Yea, it just makes me sick how classless the world is, I find there are more class in small towns then large towns. Maybe everyone is so imbittered by knowing others have more, not eating because they want to stay thin and being overworked. BUT, you know, these problems of not eating and overworking and wanting to be better is not my problem, it's your's, and you're the only one that can recognize and change them.
[ Thu Oct 23, 05:12:00 PM | Glorified Goddess | edit ]
No. 235

Hormones are making me feel horrendous.

I guess it's hormones. I'm feeling diva esque-and that's Mariah, not Whitney freakish. I'm feeling like life's a bitch and all I need it some shopping therapy. No, tha'ts not it, I take it back, i'm just disgusted at my life right now, not in the fact like in some third world country where'd I be trying to get food right now, but I just feel like i've got all these things on my plate people are making me eat and I just want to go to Italy and get a pizza. Yea, that's what it's like. I've got more then a hand full of things that piss me off, so yea, i'm just not cool with that.

So, relevation, why do people name their possessions ie. animals cars whatever when it's not true. Like, why would you ever name a dog prada, I remember this lady on tv, named her dog prada. WTF? If you name your dog prada, you know that dog has to be in everything prada-so why do that, it's like saying, "hey, I can't afford prada, but i'm going to name my dog that." Like Gucci, if you don't fucking have the collar etc then don't even front. Oh yea, and knowing some people, they'd probably just get the faux Gucci fabric, seriously, just don't, just don't do it. It's like people front by putting up bags of their fave stores as decoration. Why do that, just why, like you can put up something if you like the image-like Herb Ritts many photos of Cindy, it's cool, it's semi art, but just putting up some random bag because you like their store, give me a fucking break. It's like why do you do that. Obviously it's saying you want something that you can't have. It's like, I wear RL underwear all the time and I don't think about it-I love it, but i'd never put up a bag of them. Maybe it's a luxury, like I buy never in ones, but in of course a weeks worth. It's just like what my cousins said, if we saw something that came in multiple colors, we'd buy both if we couldn't decide, while someone would just decide on one color. It's something we wouldn't think about it-we'd just get both. It's like the relevation of people using coins-I don't do it, at all, so i'm always perplexed when people pull out coins to pay for stuff. Seriously, like yes, when there are ads-I do keep them, but i've rarely put them up-only in my dorm because we all know that looks so trashy and right. It's like, at home, hell no-maybe because my rooms are so hotel-esque-or strive to be, but at the dorm, it gives me the freedom to be this trashy little thing with mismatched everything and the best tech stuff. It's liek the quinessential thing while being a dormie. There's this girl-she probably thinks nothing of me, because she has this air of thinking she is better then me, and i'm just fine with it-fine in the way that I am afflicted. As in, why do people still think that way, and most people by the end of the year will realize what's the deal. People who truly know and are too scared to say anything-it's what I love. But I don't do well when people are fronting or testing out the money waters-it just doesn't flow. That's why I get along with most people who are down to earth-because i've never talked about money-or I just don't, maybe that's why I couldn't hang out with new money, it's just not the thing. Like, it's the same situation with my perplexation of people who say they don't have any money and they mean it or people who say that they only have a little cash. My example of little cash is less then a 100. Ok, i've put together my mood, this is what I feel like right now: putting on my burbery scarf, taking my gucci bag out, wearing my uggs, sporting my fur vest and jeans and just cruising through the mall with a hand full of kiehl's products on going home in my big bodied benz to give myself a spa day while not answering my phone or talking to anyone, but myself. That's what I feel like, you know, using material possessions to tell people to BACK OFF. It's like the threatened high school version of me, what I wanted to be and now I am. It makes me sound like a complete idiot and brat, but sometimes it's just like, i'm not like that at all, but sometimes, you just invision that image and it gives you power over the yuppers. Yea, i'm bitter, it's like, i'm thinking- what am I doing, what have I got myself into. I don't want to do shit, I just want to sit in some big office telling people it'd be wise to sell while I'm making some 1,000 an hour, I don't even have to be Bill Gates rich, just give me enough, but how much is enough?

How much is enough?

So, while in high school, I couldn't wait, I hated seeing the sight of little girls with prom dresses blah blah blah cars that were so pimped out it was ghetto and couldn't wait to go to college. I'd thought i'd be happy, as in the image of me walking around old architecture with my coffee in hand walking to class. It's there, but it's not as exciting anymore. I remember I was at lady foot locker-trying on something random I think, and I saw these two girls, clearly college. One with Prada and I was like-they don't sell Prada in Seattle and I was thinking she's fly with her friend just having a girls thing you know. They were rocking. Now, i'm at my local mall and seeing those HS girls and i'm thinking, those were the girls, those were the times, it was easy, it was nothing back then, it was just chill. Now, maybe it's the fact that if I don't do well then i'm going to die a poor maid... It's like the pressure is on and it's not going to get any better, it's like there's no way I can't be better then my parents and it's no way that this school shit is going to get any easier. It just won't, because now "it's apparently the life" but i'm not partying, why because i'm working to get to the next level. Then I know what's it's going to be like, i'll be in my job as a lawyer-of course i'm going to have freaked out trying to get there-but then most things will be handed to me like always, and then i'm going to say, this lawyer shit sucks and those were the days in college. Seriously, it's like, in life, you can never win. Life is a game and you're the pawn, you're not the player, you just have to make it through and hopefully you'll get a nice reward-as in hopefully you won't die of a massive horrendous death of a coronary because of all the shit you've done to yourself over the years.

I ask myself?

What's better, smoking, drinking, not exercising, eating faux foods-as in those processed god knows why the cheese is orange type deals? Why do people like that live the most, seriously, why is it, why are they so damn lucky, when you see people who you think will live so much longer die or become half human beings. Struggling to hold on. Struggling to hold on to what? Why can't people let go, it's "the time" right? So, why can't you just say no and move on? Also, why am I listening to club music at a volume five when 2 could have done it at 4:56 in the afternoon. Like, the more pissed off I am, the louder the music gets. Also, why is everyone feel they are social only when at the pub, or the club, or at some random function. Relevation: Life is not like a sitcom, it's not like friends or SATC and regardless of life, there are no Will and Graces that live glamourously. Relevation: no one's life is glamourous. Only for that split second it is-and maybe that's why people chase it, for the split second when you realize all eyes are on and you are glamour, you are it, you are the shit and that's why people go for it constantly, because everyone wants to be famous right, even for a split second? For all those who deny so, they know, that even if they were-they wouldn't say they didn't like it right?

So, feeling like shit and I just don't know what to do, it's like, I just want to crawl into my down comforter and just go to sleep. I realize I tend to want even more luxurious things when i'm cranky. Like, i've a prima donna when i'm cranky, seriously, i'm like in that clueless movie where Cher wants the maid to go get the dry cleaning right then and there. Yea, but of course, i'm not important and this senseless shit i'm taking about is nothing when there are people dying in Iraq and over how many billion people are poor when i've probably got enough money to feed a small village. Yea, so why don't I do that, because it's one of life's mysteries. It's like, why doesn't Bill just help out some countries instead of putting it to more education for people who already have tons of it. One quote, " the rich get richer and the poor get poorer." This is in the context of not just money, but in everything in general.
[ Wed Oct 29, 05:52:14 PM | Glorified Goddess | edit ]
No. 236

As I write I'm feeling a complex swirl of emotions. Not candy colored, but more like gutter colored stuck in the rain wet dog feeling. So yes, I'm in college, thinking that this year, my second, will be easier. I am however, unaccustomed to this two midterms and one final deal. Usually, it's one mid and one final. So, I did poorly and have freaked out, not in that sucidal let me jump off the balcony thing. I've contemplated, but it's not like, serious, i'm sure everyone has, what it'd be like to fall to your death-your final thoughts rushing to you as you smack the pavement. Ok, so I realized that with two midterms, it gives people a second chance to do better then with the two midterms, it averages into your suppose to be grade. Which means, that they have to grade harder unlike one midterm classes-because you only have one shot, while two midterm classes you haver two-so it makes sense to grade harder, because if you didn't, then everyone could do well on the midterms and bomb the finals and it wouldn't matter right. So yea, it's my justification, i've talked to people about it, I think i'm good. Also, I looked at my major-I think I have a shock-I feel good, not bad, and I mean, it's just all pent up anxiety that's occurring. Maybe some drug will rid me of that, but for now, it will just have to be. Also, I think my major problem with the whole testing thing, is I focus on the small parts, which I think will equal the whole, but it doesn't. I think I just need to grasp the main parts well and don't even worry about the details-fuck them, but yet, I always feel bad like i'm neglecting them, but I seriously think I need to focus on the main parts, it even makes sense, in college, u pick a major not a minor, so yea, I think I got it from now on. It's like what everyone else says, they have it, they've always got it, until someone disagrees and then they question themselves and ask if they've got it. Hopefully i'll be ok, I hope so, but then again, there are how many people in that class, and i'm sure they they're in the same boat as me. Anyways, no one is complaining, so I know it will be ok or at least that's what i'm telling myself.

So yea, watched Rich Girls on MTV.

Dear god, are they stupid, sure it's semi interesting because of all the shopping they do, but it's really faux. First off, who drives around in a limo when it's two people-most people just use a towncar right? Ok, and could that girl just get off her fucking phone. God, even the more famous one, the Hilifiger daughter is not all about it, the Jamie girl is using it like there will be no tomorrow. AT&T Wireless really need to give her a deal-whenever she uses her phone, flash the AT&T sign up. Seriously, and the dog-dear god, it was cute, but that girl was like, "there's a rabbit" and become immediately jealous. It's like, I wouldn't put my dog through the whole let's get our hair, makeup thing done. I mean, send the dog out with caretakers and let him romp around. So yea, heard also that Ashlee Simpson, Jessica's sis is going to have her own show too. Apparently, "they're vastly different." Yes, wonderful. Oh, and as for the Rich Girls, could they be more annoying, I mean, how many times can you say na uh. It's like, just stop it children, move on and the world will be fabulous. I also looked up this one website, something about being a bitch and the lifestyles of the rich and famous. Is it automatically assumed that if you're a bitch, you're rich and famous. Give me a break, clearly they are not because the topics they address are obscene and they are classless, but it doesn't mean they aren't rich and famous, but most likely they aren't.

Relevation: when I got my semi bad grades and proceeded to freak out, as I walked out of my room, right past the frame of the door, I realized, "shopping is not everything." Also, you know how people always say they're scrubby when in comfy sport clothes. I'm putting my foot down, i'm shit in my sport clothes and i'm downright going to sport it up. Yes, also because at the Lucy store, I saw this fab Puma burgundy jacket with a high collar-what I live for that is. So yea, I think I might get it. I also got my first puma bag-those giant ones, I finally got one, and I felt fabulous about it while sporting it back to my dorm. I also got shorts and a few more bags too, all on sale. I also got this skirt-but yet to wear, it's actually at home.

I also realized that people from a grade under me are coming to UW. It's cool, but they just stare at you. LORD KNOWS, just say HELLO, it is not that hard. They just stare, and i'm like, whatever. Use to as a freshman, I was offended when people didn't say hi, but now, I just don't give a damn like the Soviets didn't in the cold war.

Relevation: I think I have to apply my knowledge, not just rejugerate it back. Seriously, in tests, I need to apply to modern day or whatever rather then the whole try to write out all the info I remembered. Yea, I think I just freak out because well, I mean, it's hard because you only get 50 minutes so, while sitting there and people are writing away, you are just reading the question-kind of intimidating.

I think I might go talk to my TA just to talk and grades, but yea, i've often found, if you talk to them, they're nice and not so scary, and sometimes they won't be so nervous. Anyways, off to Will and Grace.
[ Sun Nov 09, 04:53:17 PM | Glorified Goddess | edit ]
No. 237

Ok, so memories are overwhelming today.

It's like, don't you remember those days when Pop was turning to Rock chic, it was during my HS days and there wasn't a care in the world. The big thing was working out, now, the big thing is not to be drowning in mediocre grades. It's not the competition of others, it's not anything, I guess I haven't mastered the ideals of college and what to do in college-as in how to study or whatever. I guess I had an easy season year, although it really wasn't, I was still taking French, AP English, History, Business Law, Yearbook, Algebra, and Environmental Science. I mean, still hard classes, yet it was a cakewalk and that's what I believed college to be. It'd be like in those movies of all around parties and just free flowing attitude, it's like the new Britney cd, like I imagined people would be hot and just gyrating to the music. Yea, well it's not, the people aren't hot, no one can dance properly, and a Britney look-a-like is not gyrating to the music of Britney herself. No, this world does not exist-or at least not in the rainy city I live in. I miss those moments while in cars listening to music loud, that feeling of euphoria, the feeling of feeling right and on top of the world. Now, it's when you sit in the car, blasting music, it seems like u're a hasbeen, a too old member of the young crowd. It's like back then, 7-11 was cool in HS, now it's all about Starbucks. It's like the level of tastes have risen, yet why can't it just be like it was...nostaglic of my times, I feel like an old dinosaur, but i'm not, because, "apparently the best years of my life have yet to come..."

OH, and speaking of my fabulousness, why does it seem that now MTV's Rich Girls say Fabulous darling all the time and now it seems like i've copied them, but i've said it first, so now it makes me feel like i'm saying to be like that or i'm a snooty bitch, which i'm not, it was me who said it me.

Also, I didn't go shopping this weekend. Not at all, even with a sale at Nordies-I refrained. Weird or what. Anyways...of to my new life because I can't live in the past.
[ Wed Nov 12, 06:01:01 PM | Glorified Goddess | edit ]
No. 238

So, it's been a short while right, but yes, relevations have occurred yet again.

Ok, why do I feel enlightened either in the car or while in the bathroom. What is up with that? Apparently, it's my place of serenity or something. life intervened. more later...

When I mean later, I mean, the next day at 10:53. That's what I mean.

Anyways, so i'm back, life intervened on me, how sad huh? It's ironic, when you're waiting nothing happens yet when you're in the groove, all hell breaks loose. Literally this time it really wasn't, it was just good clean college fun.

So, yes, I feel enlightened while in the car and bathroom. I realized I really need my time to calm myself and just sit and chill. I realize i've been running, and running, for what? I mean, I don't even eat my breakfast sitting-i'm walking to class-because I think it's more efficient-it is, but then again, do I have to eat lunch by myself because it will be quicker then socialize with my friends. Yea, what happened to me. I'm making a really big conscience effort to do well-it seems i'm doing worse, but i've been talking to my TAs or at least they know who I am and this whole two midterm thing instead of the one midterm thing really threw my grade off-but I get it, I understand how. Anyways, yea, that was my ephiphany that I lived for so many days on, and the caffeine and sugar I also ate, but I still managed to stay slim-thank you.

I just miss blogging, the sound of my keys being tapped and me just thinking, just chilling, just calming myself. It's really nice. Just like shopping, and reading girly magazines. Maybe it's because it's incredibly brainless and it's really what I need after thinking none stop during the week. I mean, sure girly magazines are demeaning to some women and that whole blah blah blah, but I mean, there's a fine line between knowing what's "life" and "art" so it's been a fun week. I skipped my first class. Actually, it really wasn't skipping because it was a film, a film I had saw twice in two different classes and was being shown again, and the teacher said that we weren't going to be tested on it and we didn't have to see it if we all felt so compelled by the nature of the film-I was one of them. It felt kind of exciting, my first skip since high school. Quite exciting, but yea, so that was it, my week. Just random thoughts... right back to bathroom fisaco-can remember now...

Ok, so some people live their whole lives as the ones "being perceived" as in the way they should be and leading this secret life. When is it time to turn it into the real life and not keeping in the closet. Seriously, when is that point. What makes one chance, what makes one feel enlightened to that point where you say, no, I can't lead this life, I have to be "me" not the "faux me." I just wondered how so people can do it? For so long, for so many years, how does it work?
[ Wed Nov 19, 06:03:53 PM | Glorified Goddess | edit ]
No. 239

Boiling Points?

Obviously there's different levels for different people-but my question is do some people not even see the point, see the line, do they not know they cross it.

1. When is it time to come out, literally, when is the time to be frank with all and say, hey, it's over, i'm who I am, there isn't going to be a facade anymore, people are just going to have to live with my choices? This is in reference to sexual orientation, jobs etc.

2. When is it the time to realize that relationship of friends turns to siblingship only because you can't date, yet are still hung up on how the other one dates people that seem inappropriate for them? When is it time to say, "i'm not going to get with that person" or "it's just over and it's time to move on"?

3. When is it time to accept the fact that someone is leaving? Literally and metaphorically.

It seems that number three always ends in shock when we all know it's not, it's just not shock, it's emotional feelings that come with the person leaving both literally and metaphorically.

It seems that I am having anxiety attacks or just frankly hopped up on chocolate, coffee, and soda. If I don't have it, I feel the same-still anxiety ridden, but with it, I feel like i'm on speed and about to spin out of control. It's like at any moment I could step into traffic and kill myself, but do I, no-because someone is pulling you back-maybe it's god, or maybe it's just gravity. I feel my anxiety had gotten worse, I feel like I can't control my destiny and fate is leading my course. It's to the point where I don't know what to do-but I worry, it makes me look tired, and I fear for wrinkles. I feel that the bathroom is my only safe haven now. I often go in there just simply to be with my products. I know it sounds stupid and materialistic, but there's something so calming in putting on cream or just sitting and thinking about the smells that exude from said products. I don't dwell in the bathroom for large amounts of time say 30 minutes-i'm not that nutty and I do have a life, but it's something about it. It's like reading a magazine or driving a car. You can only do one thing at a time, it's just so calming I guess, not to have millions of things running around in your head. After all, I realize I am a multitasker. For instance, while reading, I can be highlighting, thinking about other hmwk to do, thinking about random errands to run, what's on tv, how are my grades and a million of other things all the while i'm concentrating on my reading for classes. I realize that shopping is a release for me. I don't have to do a thing, but just walk around and touch a rack or two. I realize maybe I should go into sports-but I need my alone time and I want something i'm good at. With sports-there will always be someone better then you-which is an instant downer. Who can read that much-especially if you read all day and food is not an option. Music is not enough of a adjustment to stop worrying. Even now as I type, i'm thinking about my Astro hmwk, Will and Grace and how i'm missing it, what I need to do on Friday, and random other things. It's so horrific. I simply don't know what to do. It seems that other people are not so anxiety ridden-maybe there's a natural vitamin that stops anxiety. Good thinking-will have to look into it.

More about my questions? When is the moment when these things occur, when you've realized that it's over, you've stepped out of line? How does it occur? Do some people not even realize it ever...
[ Sun Nov 30, 05:13:46 PM | Glorified Goddess | edit ]
No. 240

What i'm grateful for?!?

nothing...nothing because in reality I am my default on this earth. Realistically, this is how it is, and that's all that has to be said. I'm not grateful for having to take pills for 4 years of my life, and i'm not grateful for being fat, i'm not grateful for popping more vitamins essentially pills, yes i've become Capitalism's best friend. I buy a lot in hordes and it leaves me empty and unfulfilled. I've become a chronic worrier with anxiety issues that leads to depression. I have insomnia and apparently that doesn't make you skinnier, but it makes you fatter. I've worried from one step of getting good grades that leads to getting into my major then into law school then into the rest of my life then in setting up for retirement that leads to if I can't do something essentially leads to I may as well go to the woods and live in the unabomber. I have these anxiety issues were it stops my heart and not only is it school, it's everything else, it's even my personality I worry about and how it will either help or not help in my future. It's been so bad where I lay awake for hours just going through the motions of what oculd hpapen then it leads me to depression, maybe an occasional cry and then I think I either poop myself out or fate intervenes and I fall asleep. One day, I couldn't stop crying the whole day or was on the verge of tears, this to me is not normal, it's highly unnormal. Something that I was concerned about, because no one needs to cry or be on the verge of tears every hour on the hour except one odd hour. St. John's Wort is helping me, along with Flaxseed Oil to battle other things as well as my acne meds. OMG, maybe that's what's making me so weird-but it can't be, because it's been 3 years or so. So now, hopped up on vitamins or whatever you want to call it, at least I feel a slight elation of joy instead of the stark darkness I always seem to be. It's come to the point of headaches and other things, I mean, I function, but I feel like every day I am failing and not succeeding. Also, i'm really not grateful because i'm not, i'm just lucky. Tons of people die each day and they're good people, they don't eat fatty foods, fried foods, aren't overweight, actually exercise, don't buy tons, don't do anything bad and they die, while I'm sitting here, after eating a brownie and drinking like a bit of water am feeling self loathing and I believe I am "by default" here. So, it makes me lucky and should I change things so I have a actual reason to be here, well if I believe in fate-then fate happens and I really can't control a thing. So yes, i'm sitting here, alone, not that I prefer to talk to anyone else and i'm just in this state of "problems." It's like in movies where there's a bubble above with swirling things going around, well these things are going like 150 mphs. Also, some how I believed in movies, they bought my joy and strength, but now I just realized the movie industry or the entertainment industry is bringing forth this image that I lap up like a little dog and now I realized i've been dupped. Life isn't a movie, life never will be, and for all those who believe this are caught up in the moment, caught up in the notion like I was and now i've realized life isn't like the "rich girls" perceived on screen, it's all about the editor or story maker, it's called movie magic, and I was a fucker or believing in such shit like that. I was the ideal consumerism of Capitalism. damn the game...I was played in such a sense that I thought I was the player when in reality they were the game, they were the player, I was merely someone not on the defense and i've lost, i've lost a lot... I also am using eye cream, at 19, i'm using eye cream...
[ Tue Dec 02, 04:51:51 PM | Glorified Goddess | edit ]
No. 241

Is it true that all things happen in threes?

A relavation I can't get past and is always reoccurring.

So, the relavation is that there are billions of people on the earth that are far worst off then myself, i'm so lucky... like I want to do that whole Titantic on the front of the boat thing and chap your hands together type thing. Sidenote: did anyone realize how high Leo's voice was? So, it feels like i'm on the top of the world, but literally I've got these problems that are so innate, yet they continue to trod me down. How ironic, I really don't know what to say about that...yet.
[ Tue Jan 06, 09:46:52 PM | Glorified Goddess | edit ]
No. 242

Ok, so last year was extremely strenous, majorly, like my grades had suffered as well. It really sucked bad, I mean, I think in the whole year, 9 people and 4 animals close to me had died. It was not a happy time for me. So I went to San Francisco and it was complete hell. Never again, it's like, after xmas sale there sucked ass. Union Square was crap. Neimans and Saks had sales, but it was like reject stuff. Seriously, god it sucked ass and everything had been picked over. There were tons of sales people, but they didn't bother to put the things back together so it was a pig sty. Ok, so as we're parking car to go shop again, we get rammed by some old wasp man who says we're blocking his way and he needs to get by, whatever happen to common courtesy and class? Then a boy in von dutch and camo comes shoving out of the elevator when clearly it was my family and ours right of way. Whatever happen to shopping, it seems as if Union Square is just full of window shoppers who think they're a the shit-give me a break, whatever. When did the Nordies mall downtown have a cart that sells faux Louis, give me a break. Everything was shit and I didn't manage to buy jack crap. I went to Caramel and got loads as well as going to another mall. It's pathetic, people who think they are the shit and then what the fuck, it just pisses me off, it's like people now a days have no class or courtesy, but feel they are intitled to the best even though they only look and don't buy. ANNOYING and it just made me want to go home and just whenever I see anything that I ever want designer, I feel the need to just have Nordies order it for me, screw going to random places. Seriously, whatever happened to being nice, just buying shit and moving on. Seriously, it's like everyone has this bad chi about them, and hello, what happened to giant Sephora and North Face, they're gone, it's like all the stores are gone including FAO, what the hell? Yea, so in my heated trying to find all the shit, I couldn't find a thing, so yea, i'm sadden, but I walked about with 4 handbags. Some much for accessorizing.

I feel invigorated sort of for the new year yet with a fear that people are going to die. People do die slowly, but I don't need any deaths now, no drama, just life.

OMG, relevation in SF.

Realized that i've been played by life. I can't cheat life or try to trick it like all these recent years that i've tried to. I realized that you have to make the time you have here yours and it really doesn't matter what the fuck you do as long as you're happy. Seriously, because you can't cheat life or trick life or try to make loads of money or find a guy, you just need to be happy in the moment. That's all that matters, so why do we chase these endless goals when in reality, if you're happy in the moment-you've won, you've won the game of life.
[ Thu Jan 08, 10:12:07 PM | Glorified Goddess | edit ]
Ok, so it all of a sudden gave to a panic attack. As I was looking at 1979, I was envisioning what the hell i've been doing here. What am I going to be, am I moving, no i'm not, i'm just standing still and not in motion-what if I don't make it?
[ Sun Jan 11, 05:34:01 PM | Glorified Goddess | edit ]
No. 243

Ok, so a proper blog. So many things on my mind, such as howl to live life, fake Louis Vuittons, and a new born again love for 43 year old Andy Lau.

Ok, so first off, there's not class that tells you how u're suppose to live life? Isn't there Life 101, no, there isn't, or Life for dummies? It's like, what the fuck do I do?

Fake Louis Vuittons, they're everywhere and it pained me to see them EVERYWHERE IN SF. It was saddening, and then I read this quote from Marc Jacobs saying it actually flatters him, yea it does, it's cool, but as a person-wouldn't you want the best, not just some crap from Chinatown or Canal street? It's like, what's your idea of the best or your goal? So, fake handbag sporters are lowing their ideals? What does that say about a person?

Ok, so I spent the last weekend watching Cantonese movies. For some reason, I find something about them, something intriguing that makes me keep watching. Don't ask, and I find a new love for Andy Lau who is 43 and dear buddha I use to do that whole Andy, Aaron and Leon thing, and thinking about it, it's so weird, I don't live in Hong Kong right, but I've seen Leon and Andy both in person and don't really care much for Aaron. Also, come to think about it, watching these Hong Kong movie things, I realize that most places only have like one bathroom to 3 bedrooms or something right, but I realized that the place we use to own had 3 bathrooms and only 3 bedrooms and a maidsquarters-she got her own bathroom-and she deserved it. She use to get my socks real white and even iron my underwear. I know it's weird, that's what I thought-but it was so nice. So, my new love for cantonese movies and soaps a like. I love them, I suddenly feel so Chinese, so back into my roots, I love it!
[ Mon Jan 12, 06:50:37 PM | Glorified Goddess | edit ]
No. 244

I've now got massive anxiety, but at least this time it doesn't constitute death or the fact that i'll suck bad in college, it's the fact that I'm so high strung about going to get moisturizer and the good deals in Nordies Rack. I haven't even gotten to go after X-mas shopping since i've hit the tarmac of Sea-tac. I've been pooped out and it's so weird, I feel the urge to go back to Hong Kong. Like, I so want to embrace Hong Kong, but I know the second I hit the tarmac, i'll complain it's hot, the bathrooms suck and I can only drink water that comes in a bottle. It's so weird, I find myself listening to old school Andy and watching all the Cantonese TV I can get, I mean, ALL THE TV, like on Saturday, all I did when I woke up until I fell asleep was watch TV. It was INSANE. I am so happy that it will be a three day weekend, not because it's a 3 day weekend, but more like, I can have equal time shopping and equal time watching tv as if i were a normal two day weekend. Also, i'm kind of bored, in that talkative way, not in that I feel like I need to sit here alone, but i've just got this massive calling to go to HK. I don't get it, I haven't before, but now, the feeling is so undeniable. It's insane...