No. 239

Boiling Points?

Obviously there's different levels for different people-but my question is do some people not even see the point, see the line, do they not know they cross it.

1. When is it time to come out, literally, when is the time to be frank with all and say, hey, it's over, i'm who I am, there isn't going to be a facade anymore, people are just going to have to live with my choices? This is in reference to sexual orientation, jobs etc.

2. When is it the time to realize that relationship of friends turns to siblingship only because you can't date, yet are still hung up on how the other one dates people that seem inappropriate for them? When is it time to say, "i'm not going to get with that person" or "it's just over and it's time to move on"?

3. When is it time to accept the fact that someone is leaving? Literally and metaphorically.

It seems that number three always ends in shock when we all know it's not, it's just not shock, it's emotional feelings that come with the person leaving both literally and metaphorically.

It seems that I am having anxiety attacks or just frankly hopped up on chocolate, coffee, and soda. If I don't have it, I feel the same-still anxiety ridden, but with it, I feel like i'm on speed and about to spin out of control. It's like at any moment I could step into traffic and kill myself, but do I, no-because someone is pulling you back-maybe it's god, or maybe it's just gravity. I feel my anxiety had gotten worse, I feel like I can't control my destiny and fate is leading my course. It's to the point where I don't know what to do-but I worry, it makes me look tired, and I fear for wrinkles. I feel that the bathroom is my only safe haven now. I often go in there just simply to be with my products. I know it sounds stupid and materialistic, but there's something so calming in putting on cream or just sitting and thinking about the smells that exude from said products. I don't dwell in the bathroom for large amounts of time say 30 minutes-i'm not that nutty and I do have a life, but it's something about it. It's like reading a magazine or driving a car. You can only do one thing at a time, it's just so calming I guess, not to have millions of things running around in your head. After all, I realize I am a multitasker. For instance, while reading, I can be highlighting, thinking about other hmwk to do, thinking about random errands to run, what's on tv, how are my grades and a million of other things all the while i'm concentrating on my reading for classes. I realize that shopping is a release for me. I don't have to do a thing, but just walk around and touch a rack or two. I realize maybe I should go into sports-but I need my alone time and I want something i'm good at. With sports-there will always be someone better then you-which is an instant downer. Who can read that much-especially if you read all day and food is not an option. Music is not enough of a adjustment to stop worrying. Even now as I type, i'm thinking about my Astro hmwk, Will and Grace and how i'm missing it, what I need to do on Friday, and random other things. It's so horrific. I simply don't know what to do. It seems that other people are not so anxiety ridden-maybe there's a natural vitamin that stops anxiety. Good thinking-will have to look into it.

More about my questions? When is the moment when these things occur, when you've realized that it's over, you've stepped out of line? How does it occur? Do some people not even realize it ever...