No. 240

What i'm grateful for?!?

nothing...nothing because in reality I am my default on this earth. Realistically, this is how it is, and that's all that has to be said. I'm not grateful for having to take pills for 4 years of my life, and i'm not grateful for being fat, i'm not grateful for popping more vitamins essentially pills, yes i've become Capitalism's best friend. I buy a lot in hordes and it leaves me empty and unfulfilled. I've become a chronic worrier with anxiety issues that leads to depression. I have insomnia and apparently that doesn't make you skinnier, but it makes you fatter. I've worried from one step of getting good grades that leads to getting into my major then into law school then into the rest of my life then in setting up for retirement that leads to if I can't do something essentially leads to I may as well go to the woods and live in the unabomber. I have these anxiety issues were it stops my heart and not only is it school, it's everything else, it's even my personality I worry about and how it will either help or not help in my future. It's been so bad where I lay awake for hours just going through the motions of what oculd hpapen then it leads me to depression, maybe an occasional cry and then I think I either poop myself out or fate intervenes and I fall asleep. One day, I couldn't stop crying the whole day or was on the verge of tears, this to me is not normal, it's highly unnormal. Something that I was concerned about, because no one needs to cry or be on the verge of tears every hour on the hour except one odd hour. St. John's Wort is helping me, along with Flaxseed Oil to battle other things as well as my acne meds. OMG, maybe that's what's making me so weird-but it can't be, because it's been 3 years or so. So now, hopped up on vitamins or whatever you want to call it, at least I feel a slight elation of joy instead of the stark darkness I always seem to be. It's come to the point of headaches and other things, I mean, I function, but I feel like every day I am failing and not succeeding. Also, i'm really not grateful because i'm not, i'm just lucky. Tons of people die each day and they're good people, they don't eat fatty foods, fried foods, aren't overweight, actually exercise, don't buy tons, don't do anything bad and they die, while I'm sitting here, after eating a brownie and drinking like a bit of water am feeling self loathing and I believe I am "by default" here. So, it makes me lucky and should I change things so I have a actual reason to be here, well if I believe in fate-then fate happens and I really can't control a thing. So yes, i'm sitting here, alone, not that I prefer to talk to anyone else and i'm just in this state of "problems." It's like in movies where there's a bubble above with swirling things going around, well these things are going like 150 mphs. Also, some how I believed in movies, they bought my joy and strength, but now I just realized the movie industry or the entertainment industry is bringing forth this image that I lap up like a little dog and now I realized i've been dupped. Life isn't a movie, life never will be, and for all those who believe this are caught up in the moment, caught up in the notion like I was and now i've realized life isn't like the "rich girls" perceived on screen, it's all about the editor or story maker, it's called movie magic, and I was a fucker or believing in such shit like that. I was the ideal consumerism of Capitalism. damn the game...I was played in such a sense that I thought I was the player when in reality they were the game, they were the player, I was merely someone not on the defense and i've lost, i've lost a lot... I also am using eye cream, at 19, i'm using eye cream...