Diary of Goddess: Life Lessons Learned

I started this blog in HS, when I was this materialistic, but saying I wasn't materialistic first to start a blog and thought my life was so fab since all I did was school, shop, & friends. Fast forward 4 years later, I became this college student that realized that college life wasn't like the movies and MY struggle began...Some 10 years from HS and here I am, living my dream of going to law school, bringing a whole new meaning to MY struggle…

Saturday, September 13, 2008

No. 328...some year later...

Wow, its hard to believe that i've stopped blogging, we'll its not hard, since now "blogging" is considered a job, and not just a place for your thoughts...its almost if not a multi-million dollar business. But here I am, yet again, maybe I blog at my weakest moments and I don't tend to read it over again. I've had a good run this year, and have gone out literally every weekend, but this weekend, i've taken it slow, just hung out with some girlfriends, a dog, and a few movies and a pizza. I miss those days, but yet, you know either being at a bar or being at someone's house, being surrounded by people, I still feel lonely. This probably sounds incredibly stupid, but I think my happiest moments are when i'm lying in bed with someone and we're just talking, be it a girl, boy, whatever, and no i'm not polyamourous or at least I don't think I am, we don't even have to be touching, I prefer not to, but its the closeness, its the conversation, its the sense that we're almost at one with each other. Because yet again, I feel like no one is like myself. Some would say its a compliment, but I find it a curse. Not that I want everyone to be like me, god no, but you know sometimes i'd like people to understand where I come from, how I relate, my struggles, my insecurities, my issues...no one truly understands me, and I don't know if that is a gift or a curse. The irony of life, you've got all these great people who can give you certain bits and pieces of them, but no one to complete the whole...

Monday, October 22, 2007

No. 327

I haven't wrote in a long time. Not because I have been incredibly busy, but I haven't felt the need. Now is the new.

So I just read this article about Randy Pausch of Carnegie Mellon University. A legitimate university and I take it that he was hired with a legitimate resume. One would hope and assume he is highly educated. With this education one could think they know know more about preventative than preemptive right? He has cancer? Pancreatic cancer...ok, being a good lawyer that I am, i'm in the assumption mode, so I will take my mind out of there. I don't know if he sees a doctor regularly. Is his doctor the top doc in the area. I don't know. I don't know how he got in that place. I would like to think that your doctor failed to notice this tumor in the appropriate time and you either failed to go to the doctor in the appropriate time or what have you. Let's just take it on that effect. No man that young with 5 year old children can have pancreatic cancer and die from it. Usually. but regardless, this isn't about that, but it's about what some of my peers were talking about. My peers have stated that the higher education you have the more willing you are to vote and want to get involved with how the government runs your life. They are, democratic, and damn proud of it. I would say they are conservative democrats because they haven't seen real democratic. Furthermore, they play into the game of being a democratic, which I find is hilarious when I look at their situations.

More so, do people really agree that if you have a higher level of education you are more willing to be educated about the government? Because I know plenty of people who don't have high educations and are into the things the government does. I also know lots of people with a high level of education that do too and I also know a lot of high level educated people who don't care deedly squat about the government and what they do. I have found that to be prevalent. There's two different types of educated people. Educated people who make money and make a lot of it where they can pay lobbyists to make up the government actors and the educated people who don't make money and are what we call hippies. I am talking about neither of these people. I'm talking about the ones that went to college, maybe some post work and make a decent amount of money, those are usually the non religious ones and could really care about the govt. Those people don't need to care about the government because they're life is just fine. They make enough money, have well balanced relationships, do not need god to protect them and feel that the government is just fine with the way it is, sure some may not feel that the war in iraq is good etc but it's not them that are going to change it. I love seeing people, who are poor, become poorer by going out to eat and not saving diligently, talk animately about how bush is horrible-when we all know regardless as a US country who is a great hegemon, a great ego, and a great capitalist society, and ag reat everything you want to think about would not retaliate, it's like saying, "u just hit my mother, but don't do that again." You know regardless of you're black, white, whatever, u'd still hit the guy and this isn't just about yo momma jokes. It's hilarious because they have wasted half their time instead of doing something else talk about something that they cannot change regardless. Even the next president knows that he can't just say, "we're out in 2 months that's in I don't care what people say." Also regardless of situation etc, politics isn't about looking at the past, looking at the fact pattern adn realizing that you've got a 30% chance of winning, it's really about passion about something, which these people have and so do others who run the government. Sure, passion can go aray and it sure has now, but it's like the ability of knowing you may have a chance, you still go for it. Everyone does, because you think you can be one step closer and you can make it until you come crashing down. Especially Americans, they think they're unstoppable, especially the rich ones, it's like how can you say no and how can you say you shouldn't do that and scold a bad child? It doesn't happen. But my peers reasoning of that if people were higher educated then they would be involved with the gov't and politics is absurd. They need to look at the environment, the nature of the people, what is their background etc. It's not like all people who earn doctor degrees are going to vote. Please.

Also, voting does not solve anything. Only a small part of the American population votes. They also vote thinking they will make a change. The candidates are so marginalized and catering to the center that it doesn't even matter who you vote for. And if they were all about government and the best of the people, they would realize that it's not about republican or democrat, it's about whose policies, which are essentially the same, but also who backs those policies, what are their resumes like, who works for them and their resumes. Honestly, such as Rice's resume centers largely around the Soviet Union...does that give her a edge on the Middle East and Asia...largely no. Would it be better if it were someone who was centered around those issues and knew more about them etc? Largely yes if you want correlation.

Also, people say republicans are bad, democrats are just as bad in terms of segregating and monopolizing their own interests etc. Also, Obama is a close cousin of what's his face and is basically the whitest black man I know...which makes him a keeper in terms of the republicans whilst the dems love him for all his democratic way...can I say marginalized and completed centered politically?

Saturday, September 29, 2007

No. 326 Ponderance

Today I ponder what my life is like...today I pondered and reminisced how no longer my 3rd aunt would be with us. As I passed a cemetery that had a large gathering of people paying respects, I had a silent moment for myself and my aunt. I pondered that my aunt would not be sitting in my car, though I dreamt that she would be, on my left side in the back seat, probably fallen asleep by now...once someone said that the Chinese were efficient sleepers, and they were right. I pondered the thought that my aunt would never get to see or even know that I went to law school. She probably knew I would make it, or maybe she didn't. But I could never visit her and tell her that yes, my dream had come true. In a way I felt that I had traded her for law school. Something that I may have been unwilling to do, why her, though she was the oldest, it still seemed so unfair, to see and to know that my family would never be the same. That no longer we would all come together. No longer would they all sit at one table talking about the old times. No longer would my third aunt be there. A significant time...that longer we would be seated as a whole family. For that I am sad. I am sad that my aunts and uncles have left a sister. I am sad that it took her death to realize how important family is. I am sad that she was not fully made aware of her significance until her death. For these things I am sadden, and I am unsure that trading a death for an opportunity was ever appropriate. For this I ponder, and forever remember.

Saturday, September 01, 2007

No. 325 A turning point after 324...

It's been a long time, but I didn't forget out my beloved blog, the blog that got me through it all...this blog I have to say is not coming to an end, sometimes I feel like such a douche writing in it, I feel that everything about me that is negative is in this blog, maybe I really am a negative person, or maybe I don't know, besides the fact that I cannot be that bad of a person or at least karma did not get to me because my ideal goal in life or rather my 'dream' was to become a lawyer, in which I was deathly close to not occurring, really close, too close for comfort, but I am, in fact, in a remote location going to school to "fight for justice" and when I mean "fight for justice," that is really just a glorified term to hopefully be a good lawyer that "aids" others in conflicts that they cannot solve themselves and hope to be at least rewarded in some way, preferably through monetary compensation...and i also realized if you are on the track to become a lawyer, that does not directly correlate to spelling things correctly as shown through my other classmates, or maybe at least I have a one up on them?

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Dealing the bad hand...

Why, why is it me, why, i'm starting to realize how my life is slowly becoming like Drew Barrymore's character on Never Been Kissed, except I will probably not get Michael Vartan...jesus, so now, after my debacle of my third aunt, no I have to tell her classmate, my second aunt on my mother's side, the one that for the year after her husband's death only worn black and white that my aunt has croaked because my mother can't call her since she's in Chicago and there is a time difference and she won't be able to call during the day as she is mega busy. Ok, I am the year of the rat... i'm extremely squirmy and I can easily cry, like I said before, I stopped watching Disney movies when I was in middle school past as I couldn't handle the sorrow that was accompanied with the movies-like I couldn't even hold it in and I am forever scared by Bambi-the first movie I saw in the theater. So anyways, I have to tell my aunt who is deadly afraid of dying, she freaks out and thinks she needs to call 911 because she had a nose bleed and the bleeding hasn't stopped after 2 minutes...jesus, and i'm suppose to tell her this...talk about appropriate huh? Honestly, while other people aren't even notified when we have an issue as we don't want to "disturb" them, but everyone can tell me what to do or not and don't worry about my feelings even though i'm probably the one that is so emotionally wrecked here, I mean at one point in my life I think I was "pondering" life too much and crying for 16 hours and just sleeping the rest of the 8 hours...and you're telling me I have to tell my 80 year old aunt that her classmate is dead...perfect for me...