No. 303 Boys, A kick in the face, and George Lopez

Boys

Ok, I don't get it, personally I mean, yes, loved to have a boyfriend etc blah blah blah, but I know this girl, she just broke up with her bf, totally bad, they onced live together and now all hell is breaking loose, not like abuse or anything, but it's very inconvenient, and she's already looking at new meat, and not just looking to look, but looking to like get another bf again! Why can't you be single like the rest of New York City? I do not get it, like you just broke up and automatically you are thinking of new prospects-jesus, but at least this one is better than the last, but like come on. She also comes at me with the whole, "what if they wanted to and you wanted to, but then they moved on and found someone else" then i'd say, well obviously it wasn't meant to be, like maybe i'm a part of the .0005% of people or something that thinks that relationships shouldn't be hard, relationships are like yin and yang, you coexist and you complement each other, like i'm not going to go out of my way to make a relationship work, it's kind of a sign, if it's too hard, you may as well quick aka why America is divorced. I don't know, maybe i don't get it because i'm not in a "relationship" or the only relationship I have is with Ben and Jerry...

A kick in the face

I don't know, maybe it's me, but whenever someone tells me some good news, like I secretly hope that it's bad or if they are vying for something, I secretly hope they won't make it. I know, it's sick and wrong and completely delusional. I don't know, but then when my friends do make it, it makes me feel good, because I get the sense that hey, if they can make it, so can I. Then I think, what if I don't make it, what if I am like the 1% of the population that doesn't make it, doesn't make an exorbant amount of money, or the percent that didn't get into law school. Seriously, that's how I see it, like i'm happy for them and it gives me hope in my life, but then a part of me thinks, i'm not as good as them or no wait I am as good as them, but I won't make it. It's like come to that point where i'm like, I don't fucking care anymore, either you take me or not (employer) like I don't even care, if you can't recognize that I can do good work for you, then I may as well not work for you-why am I trying to force something? That's my deal I think, I always try to force things through if I know that I have the slight possibility of not making it. Seriously, I do some fucking great work and i'm sorry that you aren't able to see some semblance of that in my resume. It just will suck because what if I can't play the game to benefit me? I mean, some of the peoplw who are sly yet good make it, but some people, for the love of good, are the best people on earth and you know what, I look at them and see that the game has played them, not the fact that they are playing teh game. That really saddens me and makes me feel like what is there to the world? Yes, so maybe the fact that I chase money is bad, maybe i shouldn't worry about money anymore, because what, it won't make you happy...

AKA what George Lopez said. usually I don't like to watch comedy unless it's like Dat Phan or some Asian/Gay semblance of comedic presence, but anyways, I find myself watching George Lopez. He says that no matter how much money you make, you are still the same person. Which is true, but my dilemma is kind of well a dilemma. I mean, I grew up thinking that I was poor but richer than other people, now I am thinking that I am poor and not richer than people. I mean, it doesn't help that a large portion of the movers and shakers live near me, but that is besides the point, I mean it is so true, why am I trying to force it. why do people "fake it until they make it?" What is the point, I mean, in the end you are just hurting yourself. Like why do Asian girls have to dye their hair blonde-you ain't going to look "hella white" anytime soon. I don't get it, it's like why I am trying to force a hummer into a compact spot. It doesn't work, and I mean, really, sometimes I just wish things were simpler. I think G.Lo as he is referred to-which was so happy, G.Lo, anyways, G.Lo says that life is not complicated, it is simple just like when you are a kid. I said yes, for some people and for others it is way complicated, aka me. My professor also said it, he says, once you know more about something you get even madder because you can't change it. I mean, when you're little kids, all you do is eat, play, and poop. Now, i'm already thinking of how to streamline my life to maximize my time spent a wake and a sleep and what will help me more-aka getting groceries on line and using a crackberry. Ok, note to self though, I don't buy my own groceries as I have someone to do that for me-thanks mom, and I don't use a crackberry nor does anyone else at work except like 2 people who choose to and it is not like there are that many emails that requires someone to use a crackberry-so maybe I just want one to be cool? Seriously, and in a sense, I know the more money you make the more prone you are to like fuck up and get fired, but I mean, we all need money, I don't want to get fired, but come on man. Anyways, this whole year may make it better for me, I mean, since i'm not going off to my intended destination, I mean it will lead to my reevaluation of what I want and need. I mean, I don't have kids, I have no one to bog me down besides my parents-easily taken care of, so I mean, the world is mine if I can take it. Also, no, I am not going to go to NYC to like get an internship because I am not competing with everyone else unless I got an internship/job as Goldman Sachs or some really reputable company making at least 60,000 in which I may be able to live adequately as I do now without saving anything into a 401K or IRA or wahtever those things are and pray that I don't get seriously injured by a cab while walking across the street using my crackberry or i'll have to pay those hospital bills, which will be killer. So a part of me is like, maybe I should do something glamourous and low pay or just glamourous and high pay or maybe I should just like tough it out because technically I mean, this year off isn't really a year, it's like half a year because i'll have to apply in Jan anyways, so I mean, technically it's not even a full year.

You know what is annoying though and maybe this isn't annoying but it's smart consuming or saving on my part for when I get old. I seem like I am more wealthy than some of my fellow friends and peers, which in some degree I am because I have enough money and more to buy a BMW 5 series all cash and maybe through in an ipod, and that's the money I saved myself mind you, with the occassional when I was little my mom would match my 20 bucks or whatever, but no, the point is, that I don't take vacations, yes i got and buy tons of shit at like 19.99 and still have the tags on to boot, but like I don't go on vacations, I mean, all my friends have gone on vacations but me, I have not, not a single one in a long time, like I don't do that spring break bull shit, so I mean, I don't know what this means, it means that i'm not as happy as having those "moments" or that it means that I am way smarter because I have more in the bank. I do not know, but all I know is that even if I had those "moments" I better be in at least a 3 star hotel and there should be no fanny packs, motels present, or kids around. yes, so technically even if I took vacation, I don't even know if I would like it, yes, experiences great while everyone is intoxicated, but no, I will not share a bed with a fellow friend unless I have to, and I kind of like to have my own place for toiletries and preferably only share a sink with like 1 other person. Yes, I think I am old and get grouchy easily if I have to share or wait, I can't handle it, that's probably my biggest fault, is that as an only child, I never had to share or wait for anything and even now I don't, which is sad but true. Yes, I don't even share with my mother, like if my mom buys a teeshirt I like, she just gets me one too, like we don't share clothes like "cool moms and daughters" do. No, in fact, one time I bought this scarf for myself, instead of taking mine, she just said to buy her another one, yes, because apparently we can't even share scarves even though um, we'd never wear the same thing at the same time and we still can't share...Thanks G.Lo for the incite though!

Edit: Another thought is that, some of my friends have gone through 2-3 cars already, me, I don't even have one yet...yes I just borrow, never been a situation like everyone needs the car and i'm stuck without one or something, but yea, I mean what does that say. What does that say that I at all times must have 4 figures in my account to make me feel a semblance of not sleeping on the street while everyone elses bank accounts are at zero. I don't know, I mean, just like schools, whilst in HS, I applied to 8 schools because they told us too and no I didn't apply to "dream" schools etc, because I knew what my budget was and I basically applied to all schools in my state. Yes, I know it's sad, even some schools where I was a shoe in and some people were like, "you applied to that," and I was like yes I did. You know why, because I don't think I can access risk for a living, like I am Ben Stiller in Along Came Polly, like I have to be guranteed that I will be accepted not jut 100%, but like 150% or preferably in writing. That is how I am, I didn't want to risk it that i'd have 60-40 chance of 80-20 chance of getting in, that wasn't good enough, I had to now for sure that I would be going to college-not "hoping that I could get in my sheer will."