No. 300 Why can't I shake this feeling?

I feel so helpless, so in despair, yet at the same time I know everything will be all right and that "fate/destiny/the right moment" will prevail and that I will have my place on earth. I just can't shake it, I can't shake that feeling away...I look at my life and it's still kind of sad...maybe because the things I stand for apparently aren't such a big deal anymore or maybe people are changing, while I've been still too rigid, or maybe I need to move to the midwest and shuck corn while wearing overalls, i'm not sure...

A couple of things, I don't have a boyfriend are seem like I am going to be getting one any time soon, it kind of concerns me because I am 22 and I was just talking to a friend who was saying that she wanted to be "settled" when she was 25, but that didn't look like it was happening. She's damn closer to it than I am, I mean, I always said I wanted to get married like at 30-or 33ish, not 34, dear god I don't want to die, but the latest would be 38-i'm not even sure I will hit that mark.

Second, I'm kind of concerned because what if I don't get into Law School and am a paralegal my whole life. Would I be happy as a paralegal? No, i'd probably go into policy studies, but would I and could I be happy in Washington DC, I highly doubt it, like I love politics, but the whole white America thing with pleated khakis and egos don't do it for me.

Thirdly, why can't I be happy, sure, I eat my feelings, I shop my feelings, I watch tv to supress the feelings, I do everything to "make me happy" or things I enjoy, but I don't think it works, as odd as this sounds, like you need someone to be there, or some thing, maybe if I had a cat or something...speaking of "being there," I don't need someone to be hovering over me, but say when I get married and share the king size bed with two comforters because I like my own, he can sleep in his corner and I on mine, he doesn't even have to touch me, I just have to know that he's next to me, he's there, physically and I guess on a different level...that's probably what i've been searching for...

I need someone to be there on the same level as me, someone to make me comfortable, and no one has done that yet. It's so difficult I feel because i'm not your average "on the same level as everyone else" person. That's how I feel, and I guess it shows through my interactions with people, but I mean, it's not like i'm stuck up but I don't know, all I know is that people can't talk to me as easily for some reason, is it intimidation, frankly I don't know, because I don't think that appearances should stop them, I smile a lot, A LOT at people and make them feel welcome, but I guess it doesn't work. Sometimes I wonder if it's because of the physical appearance or what you don't say, as in the movie Hitch, 90% of the words aren't coming out of your mouth...but one thing is i'm not going to dumb myself down. Like, no, I won't stop wearing the 2 carat earrings I have, and it doesn't matter whether you think they are real or not. But I really wonder if people notice these things as they always comment and the new gal at work "liked my bag" and I remember another time when I had bought another bag and people kept looking at it like, "ooo...how does she afford that..." and I also remember sales people doing it to me too. Sales I get, but come on man. I don't know, then another time in which one of the other gals told me that I was the stereotypical gal of ---- city. Yes, i'm not, because i'm not a bitch to people unless they are to me. Seriously, if you step on me, be prepared to get fired at worse, no I won't send the Asian mafia to your door, but seriously, i'm nto known to stop on people. I am within reason, I do things for a purpose, i'm all about effectiveness, efficicency, efferevscency...it's the 3 E's.

But the main question is, "why can't I be happy" and why can't I be one of those hippy kids who just let everything slide off their back...

Edit: thoughts are still running around my head

As for sex, ok, I get it, some people need to test drive before buy, it's cool, but as for marriage, I really think that you should only do it once, like I don't think your ideal would be 3 times unless you were a gal who did it once for the money, second time for lust, and the third for love. I mean, that only occurs if you are white trash or poor...

In addition, what is with people belonging to groups that are called Future MILFs of America...um, what the hell or groups called Future Trophy Wives of America, first off, what if you don't turn out to be a MILF or Trophy Wife and I mean, even MILFs or Trophy Wives don't say they are, dear god man, it's like saying, "yes i'm big and tall so I must be a sports player and yes I must be stupid too..." because those groups just scream, "yes I think i'm hot and yes I will marry someone with money" and they fail to say, they don't have class and are more likely to be seen in a white hummer on My Super Sweet Sixteen saying that "this does not make me happy" as they yell at their party planner because they're "reputation" is on the line. I have a few questions, "this does not make me happy" will not solve anything right? What is your reputation and why do you have to keep it, are you in the mafia? What is with the white hummer, is that like the tacky limo du jour?

Yes, I don't get it, even if I was a Future MILF or a Future Billionaire, I wouldn't say it, it's like you just don't do it unless you're Paris Hilton in which you can say, "That's Hot, You're Not" or "Heiress" because she is trashy and acknowledges herself as one while others would beg to differ. God, it's like a king or queen being like, "I OWN YOU" or something randomly cheesy and classless...

I think i'm do my nightcap and head to bed...please let tomorrow be a better day...