No. 264

Ok, so...relevations: why my parents are together, depression, anger, and back in the day

Why my parents are together?

So, constantly pondered this point, always wondered, we're Chinese, so there's always that whole possibility of an arranged marriage and what have you, yes I read lots of books on China written by Westerners, so help me buddha. So, I realized, my mother is the second sister, my father is the second son. I get it, they're both second siblings and that's how they bond together, it's how they work, because in reality, they don't have anything greatly remotely in common. There's things they're both impartial to, my father to shopping-which my mother loves, and my dad to art-which my mother is impartial too, so in reality, nothing in common, but that second sibling vibe. Which brings me to the point of how I wish I had someone, it doesn't even have to be a sibling, but I realized that I still don't have someone where I can tell things too, There's certain things I tell people, but I don't have someone where I can tell everything to, I really don't. Sure, I have you blogger, but it doesn't quite cut it, since no one talks back to me, reasons with me with the same ability that I have with you. No one gets it, maybe no one will, I wonder who theorists and the great thinkers ever wondered, but apparently they all had each other, and I have no one...there's that test where the there were two animals dog or something, where  they were set up to push a lever and one was a control and the other wasn't, you know that whole thing, well I guess i'm the not control dog, I mean, I always hope, because one day when I push that lever they'll be that piece of kibble there and I'll get so excited that I just start up all over again.

Depression goes to Anger

So, I used to be really depressed. That chapter has closed momentarily, so now i'm into anger and rage. Yes, well ok, so depression ended when I didn't feel bad for a coworker whose mother just died, not that I mean I didn't feel bad, she didn't feel to bad, and what she's like 40-50 and her mother was still alive, come on, I only had one living grandmother and she wasn't here for me when I was like 16, so much for that right. Also, there was a robin whose nest was by my window. One day a crow came and took one of the eggs. I was in pure shock, then I had to protect the nest for the rest of the day, but the robin didn't come back and the crows ate the eggs-all 3 I think, it was sadden, but yet again, very Darwin natural selection, it's not by fault she gets scared of the crows-what am I suppose to do, and as a human I could do a lot-but I kind of choose to not step into mother nature if I didn't create or destroy anything-I really didn't. So yesterday, extremely mad, like i wanted to scream at people, I was in full diva mod. Woke up, it was hot, already cranky, went to bathroom, two bugs-way cranky, nothing to eat-even more cranky, no one made me lunch-more cranky, my placemat was really dirty and mom cleans hers like every day, but mine was soiled-angry, get in shower, three bugs in there now, one even hits me, raging, also had unexpected company that wasn't too nice, raging even more, just every single piece of shit irritated me to the nines, and I mean, not like ugh how dare there be brown m&ms in my bowl, more like, throwing water glasses at people a la Whitney to get them to leave-that's how irate I was, but today I feel strangely calmer.

Back in the day, read this book, it said if people don't e-mail you back you shouldn't e-mail them-very crucial. Also remembered back in the day of high schools, read somewhere else, if you liked high school you obviously weren't in the other group, I sorta was I guess, but still I believe high school was one of the happiest times in my life and I loved it, unlike now with the constant stress, depression, anger, and anxiety-yea when does it stop-it doesn't, it gets harder and jobs, what if i'm a 50 dollar an hour lawyer? How will I cope? I"ll kell over...