No. 263

Life on top is lonely...relevations while having my first long drive to and from some place without the rents...

So, I drove to get my Aunt's cake...it was like a 15 minute drive, but it's longer then any drive I usually take unless i'm going to Costco...yea I live really close to things. Relevations: Note: when I say "seriously" "Okay" or any of the above, I realize I say these like I want to be heard, like I need people to validate that it's true too, like I say something I believe in, but in a form of a question. Off tangent now, oh I also signed up for gmail, apparently you could all the time if you had blogger, but yea, and all this time everyone raves about it and wants to be asked to join, yet it was available to me...how life is sometimes unfair...but ok, off tangents now for realz, I realized life on top is really lonely. This occurs to me as i'm driving along, I pull up along side this Toyota Corrola with 3 Asian boys in the car, i'm quick and smart and don't want confrontation or some looking or what have you that all Asians always stare at me, so I inch a little more forward so maybe they can see me, but I ain't looking directly at them OKAY. So yea, then I speed ahead when the light turns green, we're both the front cars, and i'm literally going 45 in a 45 zone and they still want to pass me, I usually just drive 40, but i'm like feeling frisky since i'm alone in the car, so yea, I got 45 a little plus, but I don't plus it to 50, it was a holy day-Sunday-and i'm not religious, but yea, so I guess the group of boys are mightly intrigued at the girl in the Benz driving somewhere right. Ok, so they pass me, and I say fine because I got another car in front of me, a maroon one and I don't know the make-which is strange, cuz I usually do, but anyways, as I watch the Asian boys go pass me-with some difficulty I might add, that I realized they're having the time of their life-all hanging out in some car going some where while i'm here, yes in a Benz no less, but going home on a Sunday to have cake with my Aunt who just lost her husband-probably like at least 3/4 of a year ago, but it still makes me ball like a little kid. Ok...so yea, I realize i've never met anyone like me regardless of how much I want that person to be like me. I've always thought we were similar, but in no way we were, no one has ever been at the same level as me, even my cousin, she somewhat only because our fathers are brothers, but mentally we are not, we think differently, that's ok I guess, but in away it's not, because i've always watched those family shows and seen how everyone gets along and seems like they're all similar, why in my 20 years I haven't met anyone like that, not one, not even remotely. It's sad, because I wonder if i'll ever meet anyways with my status, with my mental thoughts or similarities. Also, when driving to The Rack, I saw this boy, Asian, in a Benz diesel like mine and I thought-wow I wonder if he's it, but he's not, he drives slow, he's going the opposite direction and i've only seen him once. I a label whore and I can't help me. I love Marc, Michael, Tom, Calvin, Tommy, Yves, Donatella I mean I love them all and I can't help but always wonder when singers, rappers always say they came up blue collar. My dad never wore a blue collar, or a white collar, he wore Polo by Ralph Lauren polos everyday and all day 365 days of the year with an occassional break from Tommy or Lacoste and maybe one or two Dunhill before it became passe. So what does that make me. I don't think i'm middle class, but I know i'm not upper middle class because my parents are doctors or lawyers, but I don't think i'm the upper class-since isn't that for the elites...isn't that for people who own homes at least 5 plus million? Oh so confused...leading to my diagnoses of my owe problems...

I realized I do get sad depressed what have you. It all started when I was in Hawaii and I came back, because no one can sleep for 14 hours and still keep sleeping. That's not possible unless you are depressed. I could sleep forever. No one can cry for a whole day unless you are depressed. I can cry for a whole day. I can still cry about my uncle... until it happened near Christmas-the darkest holiday. No one can get as fat as me, partially due to depression probably and also because for like a whole year I stopped eating bread and rice and now just realize how good they taste-that's why i'm so anti carb until it totally works. I'm also sadden I guess one can say because on the outside, my parents think i've got it really well. I have compared to kids in Cambodia-physically that is. I don't need to worry about working, shelter or food. I mean, my life seems so easy, go to school, go shopping, watch tv, not that hard right? Damn hard, a lot of things affect me and ridicule me, such as my grades-which as of right now aren't good enough for any Law school unless I built my own, i'm also the only child-therefore success is solely on myself, also i'm a girl not a guy-so in the whole Chinese world I may as well die, i'm also overweight-which means I may as well die, i'm also tanned and not light skinned-which I think makes me look healthy, but the Chinese thinks it's horrible-so I may as well die. There's a lot, I mean, people don't know, but I actually try to tabulate how much I need to make out of college to some how make it up to my parents before their age of like 75. I mean, I tabulate how many years I have with them and what I need to do before those years. I tabulate it all, I tabulate what would happen if I had no more college money and how i'd get loans. I do it all man. I try to tabulate how much money i'll spend next year, what i'll need to buy for next year and how much it will cost. I even tabulate how much i'll make this summer. I tabulate it all. I tabulate how many years I have until I can't have kids. I've never had a serious boyfriend-i'm 20, there's something wrong right-really cliche, I know there isn't, but what if i'm 40 and don't have a boy-husband what have you and can't have kids? Could I really adopt? What am I going to do, I'm so scared of having fish because they die, but i'd want a dog-but who would take care of it while i'm away, I even start to cry when I realize one day it will die. So yea, apparently I have the easiest life ever, this summer alone I got like 700 bucks worth of lucky money and we all think money is the root of hapiness, but it's the root of evil I tell you. I'm not happy, because I still constantly fear I will lose the money, and when I see those boys in that corrolla, i'm like they're sharing experiences-they're sharing their lives, and i'm here, lonely, in my 3300+ house-by no means small, but I don't really think it's that big either man, so yea...issues...hopefully ginseng will help...at least it helped my family since they used to own ginseng farms in Wisconsin...but yea, when someone says they have it easy, sometimes they don't man. And I realize regardless of how I always claim to understand, I do to an extent-but I will never FULLY understand, just like no one will ever fully understand my plight in life regardless of how convincing they sound or however convinced I am of them.