No. 260

Conversations

So, I constantly find myself in these movie states, or these weird "trying to find my past" there, I did it again, I said "my" when I really mean my family, it's like in that Will and Grace episode were everything is always about Grace, and I also find myself quoting intensely from Will and Grace and having weird premonitions or instances with Will and Grace moments.

For instance, i've found the Will and Grace TV room, I never knew they existed, but they do.

So, nwo i've become obsessed I Guess one can say about Hong Kong
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Ok, so No. 260 B

SO, i'm writing this junk, look back at it, and can't remember what i'm thinking, besides the fact that in just real written English minus the fluff, i'm trying to find my past period. Not my past, of course not everything revolves around me, but of my parents, of my relatives, of everyone, the scandals, the wealth, the insane oddness of my dad the only one being fat and all this other random stuff and how it must have been to live back there. Like, I can't even imagine living in Hong Kong now before I grow my gray hair out and scratch out my eyes. For instance, I get high strung and the more environmental proponents one puts into an area like Hong Kong, I even get more high strung. Like, i'm one of those people who just needs a blank room, yes, very yoga-esque whatever, like I need a blank room or a blank area or no one, nothing, no annoyance, and I don't think I could get that in HK. So, everyone lives in apartments, they call them homes, I call them apartments and you can get an apartment for like 3-5 million right, i'm thinking not bad right, so why doesn't people just do that, cuz my cousins all have like 1.5+ million dollar US of course apartments and i'm like hello, major waste, especially since they employ a driver, and two nannies for two kids, first i'm like okay, driver understandably, but two nannies, no need, then they've got a maid too, understandable, but then i'm like wtf do they do all day cuz the wife don't work ya heard, but anyways, yea, cuz I always find myself trying to see if I could adapt in other areas and I always find myself saying "yes, for vacation only." But recently i've gotten really high strung, mainly about money, something that really freaks me out and I away dread will come to an end oneday and i'll be homeless. So, i'm moving out, which means not only do I just pay bills like once a quarter, now it means monthly-making me more high strung, especially since everyone thinks I've got the cash to support them-give me a fucking break people, i'm not your bitch. So, of course I would like to break even or pay less then in the dorms, I talk to my dad-who seems to be completely not concerned with this whole money issue, although he always tells me i'm lucky and blah blah blah, damn right i'm lucky and the overpowerful fear of me being so lucky always makes me think one day I won't be, like when someone is a gambler, they always have this lucky something, I feel like I don't have this lucky something that is material besides my parents, and what happens when they're gone? So, i'm ridiculed by this whole money losing everything ordeal and all my dad is concerned about is what kind of popcorn I just popped for him. So, speaking of money etc. I realized that i'm really lucky, incredible lucky, so forth my whole speech about that and fastforward to...my great grandparents and my grandparents, someone that i've never met except my one grandma from my mother's side, but i've never met them, but they've basically paid for me, and I feel so grateful towards them, but have probably only visited them once-in HK where their graves are impossible to find, but I feel this closeness to them, it really freaks me out, like I always have these premonitions that everyone says is stupid, but they're not, they give me insight, not like I totally rely on them, but it's amazing. So, i've thankful for my past, very thankful and i'm fascinated by it, because i've always read these books to try to construct myself, my asian past if you will. I've always read in those history books about the merchant class emerging wealthy-how wealthy, well never are there numbers, never is my greatgrandparents featured, but pretty damn well I gotta say, but it makes me sad, because we're not as powerful as we use to be before, which kind of saddens me, for some weird power trip type of way, because use to we spanned from HK, Shanghai, NYC, Wisconsin, San Fran, and now we're just left with SF and some random other things in HK, and i'm thinking, it's because of American assimilation, because we all know that in Asian society now, if u're not a lawyer or a doctor u're shit right, u haven't succeed or the latest is computers, but now i'm like where are the businessmen and women? Where are the empires, there's no Asian Donald Trump besides HK's Lai Gai Sing, but I mean, whatever right, but seriously, it kind of makes me want to be the Asian Donald Trump, but what do I know about business. Maybe one day, i'll have houses, a little decorating thing on the side, maybe do some importing exporting like my great grandfather great granduncles, but i'll probably doing it on the side as a silent partner. OK, new brain way, silent partner, omg, open restaurants a la China Grill Management The Restaurant, ok, anyway, so i'm thinking of this inordinate amount of money i'm spending and it really makes me paranoid, I get a little scared, but what can I do right, although i've got like what, 5 more years of school to go, two in undergraduate and 3 in law or grad maybe i'll be 2, i'm not afraid of the school, i'm afraid of the money right, so freaked out that I go and look at loans and what I could get...it's scary. Calming down now, but yea, so i've learned to enjoy life now, really, without that material bullshit, like I can sit amongst the bugs at night and just hang out on the deck. I've found my dad looking too, intently in the garden when he drinks his tea after dinner-never did he do that before, but I think he gets it too, even though he buys more now, but I mean, I think he gets what's life about, even though he doesn't say anything, but I often wonder if he's happy, same with his brother. They do nothing really, one is a professor or was, and one was a librarian, who does that? That's probably my overending urge to be better, bigger, more powerful to be the Lai Gai Sing for Asian women, because if you're parents were great merchants who probably were wealthy enough to put the kids in school in the US or England, then it's natural they do something intellectual, but then it defeats the whole purpose of businessmen right? Whatever, endless rambling, but I find I really can't say much to anyone, no one really gets it, and regardless of how many times my cousin say she's really lucky, I don't think she truly gets it, she just gets it because she reads the book and realizes that people in the Congo are still fighting that 5 year civil war and it's not about to end. Just like I still don't think my family in HK/Thailand still gets it that it's kind of mean to employ human labor, for like only 500 bucks a month, which apparently is a lot more then other ones get paid in HK, but still, i'm thinking, holy shit, these poor people are doing menial labor for 500 bucks a month just picking after kids and other random things, or the sole task of driving people around-that's truly a third world country, developing country, and people say that China will democratize and become a reckoning power a la the imperial times, but the saddest thing is that as a political science major, I found this to be largely untrue and possibly the biggest problem China has yet to face is that they have yet to realize that they cannot become what the other developed countries want it to be a la the West. Oh yea, and this is regardless of all the people trying to capitalize by working until 7-9 at night trying to catch up to the rest of the world-it's doing little besides putting damage towards themselves.