No. 256 B

Ok, so I didn't publish this, I only posted. Damn...and I don't even feel that way anymore, that feeling as subsided.

So today i'm really extremely tired physically and mentally. So, this is the first time I actually skimmed a entire book, I've never done it, but I took a chance and now it has left me unfullfilled and empty instead, it's like I cheated myself and that book and it's like why even try to finish the last half of it right. To me, there is no redemption for what I did, there never is, but for others, i'm more forgiving. It's so true when they say, "you are your own worst critic." There's not to elaborate about that, usually i'd throw in a it's so true after the sentence or whatever, but not this time.

So I find out that my cousin is going to London U. Today is a ending of all days, I mean not like omg the world is coming to an end, but I think it marks the days past. We'll never shop together like we use to, maybe those days have already subsided so many days ago-but I just don't think about it. It won't be the same ever, and those were the days, we'd hang out, when we were kids we'd suck our thumbs, then later we'd read fashion magazines together, then we'd flip through the telly or we'd just wait up at 11 so we could go straight to lunch while she was frantically coming out of the bathroom, we'd all be in the foyer downstairs watching her rush by, very What A Girl Wants, and I mean, those were the days, the days we'd discover great deals and didn't only buy "crap" and loved the words "raunchy" amongst others, but no, I mean it's over. She's going to London U, which is fabulous for her, and I mean, for some reason she thinks that we can still hang out like we use to, bue I don't know because I don't think we can, or at least not my part. It's like she hasn't talked to me in since February when she sent me this e-mail about I don't want to forget your birthday so fill this out, and i'm like, no because if you forget then you just do, it happens, shit happens. Our last real talking was like December. We talked about stupid shit, and it was strained-regardless of what anyone says. And she still thinks we can be like back in the day sans awkwardness, but I mean, what do you say, what can you do? It's like in Will and Grace, that episode where Will goes off cheese and Grace doesn't know and they've been so out of the loop with each other. That's how it is, and it's like how are you suppose to get back into the loop when it's only 50% willing to do it. Like it's over, I mean, use to i'd buy stuff for her, something I knew she liked, but i've stopped. I mean, I just don't do it, I now often buy doubles of things, like I could give one to her, but I could keep it, maybe it's because I know that she's not coming back or it will mean nothing to her? So I stopped shopping for her that is. My wardrobe has become fabulous and I love it, and note to self: I have to start doing that whole ab thing again.

I feel everyone can leave, it's like when something is wrong something is whatever they leave they just go and me, I feel like I can't leave, like I have to stay and fix it. Why can't I leave, like I want one mother fucking week just to myself, like I don't need to talk to anyone I know personally, just me, by myself, like i'd talk to the grocery clerk as he says paper or plastic, but that's it. Like, I just don't want to talk to anyone, but I can't hibernate, I want to just like my computer that I now have learned how to put it into that mode, but I can't. It's just like when I started this thing, I wanted it to be on lj, but couldn't get no code, and I was always thinking when I came across a code I could get one and that'd be it, but in a way, I don't want a code, I don't want it, I feel blogger is my home, it's been there, it's never crashed on me more then like 3 times unlike lj often does. I feel like Blogger is always here, always will be here or at least until the next dot com crisis.

Like, I miss the days when I'd hang out with my friends just chilling in the car, grab a video, some pizza and just hang out at a house, like we'd just chill, talk, hang out whatever, those were the days, and now, what, I feel stressed out, I feel so I feel like everything is just not worth it, but no there are no anxiety attacks or anything like that, no fear of dying or anything or of others, but it's like, I just don't want to deal with this. Like it's as if I were Left Eye from TLC who faked her own death, went to some random country, I think Ethopia or something and just chilled, maybe do some yogailates who knows, but just hung out and chilled, sipping something, listening to something, watching something, doing mindless stuff. Maybe my Vogue may come this weekend...