No. 251

My Fleeting Heart:

Ok, so of course I was being a good daughter, and I went home like usual, even though I have a final on Monday. I studied for two weeks, even though I just now realized it still doesn't work, because i can't review 19 pages of stuff, when in HS, I was given like 5 pages of notes and then took a test-like that, I got a 3.78 gpa, now, I can't even barely make it to the 3.0 in college. So, yea, changing my ways, and like my mother said, I did suck freshman/sophomore year, so I guess the cycle continues as well. But, speaking of my fleeting heart, translated from Cantonese, it's like, heart break I guess, like if someone where unable to concentrate, it's not because they are stupid, it's because they have other things on their mind. So, as my mother says, I have a fleeting heart or a broken heart whatever, and the reason why is because I always think about buying things, want to buy things, or on the verge of buying things. Let me break it down, it all starts as i'm watching the news. So, in Madrid, there's this bombing, and we pan to this picture of a young lady with blond hair, she was in spain of spanish decent whatever, but she could have been America, she could have been one of us, and she's on the train, she's to the viewers left wearing a stripped shirt of various colors and she's clutching the railing for dear life, and all of a sudden we see her facial expression go from calm-worried-concern-to full on falling apart, we cut to a gentlmen of a portly portion in raincoat gear going by her, comforting her, then moving on. With this image goes to an image of people halted on the sidewalk as they take a moment of silence-normal and understandable but then it pans to the bare roadways as people straddle the side of the roadways, get out of their cars, and take a moment of silence. So this brings to commercial, commercial is this lady who has joint problems and needs help with a blow dryer, with that she has this stand and I was saying to my mother if the lady can't lift up her arm that high, it doesn't make sense, because she still had to lift up the brush, and my mother tells me that I won't understand and even when I realize that she's right, my mother won't be here because she'll be dead. Which brings me to the whole fleeting heart, so many people judge and so many people get it wrong. So,let me break down my life cycle as of 20 years old. No one has ever died, ever, until high school when my grandmother died, it was a good death, I mean she died with her son and it wasn't that painful. She was fully clothed, had put on her makeup meaning her eyebrows and she felt dizzy, had a stroke, was revived, saved, then waited for her daughters to come and see her, after a few nights, had another stroke, and was gone-only because we didn't want her to be brain fried right?-unplugged. Good thing, so then it was cool, in HS, not that hard whatever right, moved on quick. Fast forward to college, so then only been two years right: my godfather is ill then dies-had foot and balance problems, my fourth uncle had problem with his feet and couldn't go up to his upper levels of his house-dies, my great uncle had foot problems and was detoriating health-dies, my uncle recently-had foot problems, battled for like a couple years-died-unplugged, my friend's dad dies, she also miscarries, which also reminds me to my bestfriend's dad dying close to my birthday, then to my dad's friend dying-his feet also hurt and were terrible swollen-unplugged, my neighbor's dog died-he was part of my childhood, the neighbor's mom dies-had cancer and didn't tell anyone-sudden death, Free Willy died-part of my compaign for saving animals and not doing that whole Sea World zoo atmosphere thing, Johnathan Brandis dies of sucide, not that I thought he was hot or not, but I mean, I saw him on celebrities uncensored partying it up, made me think about how working actors going from hot to not is really hard to deal, spurs to seeing a news thing about how 10% of college students think about suicide, I myself can'd to it cuz I can't even rip off a bandaid without squirming, but I mean, this guy looked like this guy that I was friends with in HS, totally looked like in the fam, relevation, hello, how many people die, also one of my great aunt's also died-irony, her son is gay, she doesn't know, he's 50+ and can't come out and he's lived in the closet that long, so I mean, everyone really died ironically or painfully. Also adding to the list my first shared fish I fed at 7 sun thru thurs and he didn't lead a good life either. My neighbor's wife also died-she battled a long time too. So then also this whole hospital and saving someone, there's this thing in a will where you can sign it yourself, it states that when you are on the verge of dying, or are dying, they can't save you, like they can't use the wonders of technology to give you life again because it will be too painful. The will sat on my foyer table that could be opened at any time staring me in the face. What can I do? So, the reason why I have insomnia which means I can't sleep when I get ready for bed at 11 and fall asleep at 3 is not because i'm thinking about things to buy, and the reason that I don't menstruate regularly is not because i'm thinking about buying stuff, the reason I get scared easily or whenever I phone rings is not because i'm thinking of buying something, but thinking that no phone call is a good phone call, and the reason why I can't study sometimes, is not because i'm thinking about buying something. So my fleeting heart is not because i'm thinking of buying something, but I guess i've masked it so well I should go into acting, but do I dare tell someone this, no, it's the same reason why that when I was sick, my mother calls and asks me if i'm ok, I don't dare tell her I didn't go to class and I broke out in a cold sweat and have a fever so high it causes my head to become swollen and really hot. So through this, I learned not to judge, just like when people tell me about me being fat...

I'm apparently fat because I eat cheesecake and chips. Like I go to Costco and just buy pounds of cheescake and bags of chips and eat it all. Like that's the reason i'm fat, not simply because I don't exercise enough, it's because of cheesecake and the chips-that's probably why I still harbor resentment to my aunt and cousin. It's like, do I tell them, if you drank more calcium you wouldn't be so damn short right? So, this also brings me to the relevation of this one point in my life that I refused to eat altoids after dinner because I was like, I don' t need the extra 2 calories-what was I thinking. Back then I thought I was totally right, but now i'm thinking what the hell am I thinking. But I mean with this whole I have a fleeting heart because I shop and I'm fat because I eat cheesecake and chips is all judging and the wrong kind. I mean, everyone judges, but there's a difference between judging if someone is nice or had good hair, but then there's another like the above examples. Don't do it, don't judge because it's wrong. It's like the Hong Kong people have it all wrong, if you own a Rolex, Benz, and wear Polo you're rich and well off. So wrong, because you can lease the Benz and put in payments for the Rolex and you can get Polo on sale. So yea, that doesn't make you rich, it just makes you a smart shopper and potential poser if you don't get why those things are some of the nice things in life. Just like people don't get why you can't just put a S500 insignia on a S430 engine benz.

It also brings to my point of being weak or strong. I remember having convos with friends in HS, one went to a psych, and I was always thinking, I hope I don't have to go to one and she was always like, yea you probably will when you work. It was the fad back then to go to psychs, it was the new in thing, that's why they made loads. I still am not going to go, I realize because if you pay for someone to listen to you then offer meds or suggestions, that's nothing. Seriously, that's why self help books don't work. It's like, the only way you'll change or come to a relevation or lesson on life or your problem, is not through someone else, it's through yourself, so I mean, until you reach that wall, that pinnacle, that ephiphany, that state of mind that makes you realize what you really need to realize-you just have to deal with the pain, the insurmountable pain you have to endure and get through, once you're reached that place where you realize what you need to do, then it's smooth sailing on your yacht. That pain makes you stronger, it's true, so cliche, but so true. It also creates an ego-becareful of that too.

So yea, my main relevation, my main lesson, something I haven't learned in a while is to not judge, and if to judge, judge on the surface, but realize you could be way wrong. Also, no pain no gain. So cliche, so right...