No. 204

Loneliness is the silent killer. The fact that most people say that they don't want to die before they are loved, that's not what i'm afraid of. The fact, not that i'm vain, but is that I will die with the feeling of loneliness. Not that superficial loneliness like being with people, being in a room of people, I can feel so alone. Knowing that no one will "get me" is what I fear, not telling my story. That's the problem, meeting new people blah blah blah this is a great experience blah blah blah the people love to speak out in sections blah blah blah is just nothing, it means nothing, at least to me it doesn't. Being here is just school with a dorm. I don't seek out the latest party or where the booze is, and frankly most people do that, creating this cycle that renders them worthless, at least in my eyes. Being surrounded by people constantly leaves me to feel the loneliness. I am truly unique, no matter how cliche it sounds, but it's true, there is only one of me and no one can ever know my pain, what I feel, and where I came from. They will truly never "feel me" in that homie-g-esque way, and NO ONE will ever get me, no one. For the person who truly gets me, I will be happily to reward thy self. I will be me though, me that may not be bold, but me that was repressed in high school and I will not care if I dress like an old lady, why, because I will have captured the essences of my lifestyle, therefore, I will not be degraded and betrudged by the actions that I haver yet to accomplish, because chances are, I do not want to accomplish any of them. I don't know what to say, it's like college is passing me by, nor will I engage in clubs for the masses because I don't need their support, I need my OWN support. I don't need people to tell me that i'm that i'm a FOB, a banana, or just not Chinese enough, and I don't need people to tell me my fashion sense sucks or i'm too damn girly. I will be girly and I will be whatever I want and I will not wear head to toe anything. I will not care anymore, it's just not worth it, because why would I want this image to be massaged into someone's brain when it's not even the "real me," whatever that may mean. Sitting here, I'm so alone, yet i'm surrounded by so many, why is that? Having the best view in the house, i'm dying here...slowly... it's dragging me down, maybe the fact that two of my closest friends have cease to be in my lives now and one was fading away and the summer was the final straw, seeing them, they didn't even fit me right, but I still loved them, but why can't I find anyone like me? That is the question, that is the pursuit, not finding a "man" or anyone to "mack on," but finding the one friend like myself, but would I like myself as a friend? I'm not even sure, I just want her or him to exist. I want to know that I am not alone.