No. 201

Ok, so I don't know what's been going on, but I just don't get it, well I sort of do, but I still have questions. Every day I sit on the balcony and I just cry, or in the car on weekends going places, I get all emotional, and people say you're not suppose to drive when you're emotional. Whatever. I don't know what's going on. There are so many things that are thrown at me, things that to the average person seem like nothing or maybe they don't try to deal with it, I do, and it eats me alive. I feel like demons are out to get me, it's not just emotional, but it's physical too. I don't know what to say, it's not that i'm changing or anything, i'm not, I just don't know how to deal with these new experiences. There's nothing I can do, only fate will decide. It's really fucking sad though, I mean, I strive to do these things that now I can't because what is afflicting me, and yes, I am being oppressed, depressed, repressed, and pressed-just all the presses. I don't know what to say anymore, at any given moment, I can just become this basket case, there is nothing I can do, I just surpress it. I look at everyone and what they have to deal with, and it seems like they're lives are so easy, but Mr. Robinson's. He was this great teacher, not in the sense of textbooks, but more on life, and I look at him, a man with so much pain manages to get by happily. Just now, i'm writting and I really can't help what's happening to me.

My last rendez-vous.

Chilled with my friends for the last time, all of them, and a new edition Josh. Yes, skeptical and the like, but you know, he's decent, and i'm glad for Jennie-O, but I just have to wonder what is wrong with her, I mean, seriously, she now has nothing to talk to us about, nothing, and I, once close to her, maybe blinded by our lust for companionship, is now over, nor did I ever was pissed off at her, as some of my friends said, but maybe it's what i've banished to say here, although, in some way, she probably would have known right? It's the past, something that is in the past, but that will always haunt me, because the past never goes away, it always comes back, in all instances, whether family, friends, or for lack of better alliteration-food.

Enough about current issues and my woes and shiet like that. What's wrong with me, do I needt o see a psych, need some nictotine, sleep, what, because something is wrong with me, because the normal person would not be reduced to tears knowing that she lived the live I did with all the shiet that I deal with and have, they would just move on and go on, but me, waht's wrong, I can't do that. And there is no book to help me what so ever and NO ONE can ever help me, because they can't be me, not even my cousin, she can never help me no matter how hard she tries, because these battles are MY OWN, and only MINE.