No. 220

The first time i've have a quiet time to myself and work is not pressing upon me. I'm so shocked, and then I was reading up on some sites I enjoy, and I came upon another article about blogging etc. Well, apparently i'm not the only one, but it seems that all blogs can be traced and it seems that friends of bloggers readily try to find them. How amazing, now, diaries are not safe I guess, but were they ever, it was just the naive me thinking, nothing will happen.

Obsessive

Ok, so watching some MTV VH1 special thing about how the paprazzi, not it was a A&E special, i've grown to love A&E, it's quite odd, it was a show about how this guy was saying that he has to photograph celebs because it's money and it's what the public wanted. I was thinking, very true very true, then to further confirm my point, I was watching the Osbournes rerun and Sharon had some Brit gossip mag and Kelly prominently displayed her own weekly copy of People on her chair. So yea, I guess it's always been the need to know ideal as for me yes, and i've just learned that Josh Harnett has been spotted smoking outside while friends were drinking it up inside some random club/restaurant etc. I think i'm finally comprehending the whole celebrity thing is not always ritzy glitzy. I mean, what if you wanted to be the "it" girl and couldn't or fell off, as many think about chain smoking Britney, or you just couldn't hoist your career up like that Taryn Manning girl with a band avec movie career. What if you became out before you became in, after all, there are only a select few. Just like the whole stylist thing, i'm good, but I know there are probably hundreds of thousands more people that are better then me and they've got "it," the "it" that makes that noticed, sometimes I don't have. It's all about a facade that I believe in and it's totally false and I want to believe it, yet it's not true. It's like telling myself realistically I only ate 1 serving of ice cream, but in reality, it was really 2 servings.

Registration Talk

I registered today and my friend came over, so she could register with me because she's a commuter student and would have come over anyways, but that's not the point. The point I realized is that i'm paralyzed with fear about long periods of times that I don't know what to do with or long periods of time with people I don' t know. That's why I never do vacations with semi strangers and that's why I always fear and hyperventilate about long lulls, but it's always turned out great, i've always had good conversations and the uneasiness always seems to pass on bye, yet every time, i'm paralyzed with fear.

Consuming

Culture, society, consumption by myself, I really don't know what to say, I mean, I can easily cloth like 50 people, fine I take it back, no I still remain, yes, I can cloth 50 people in normal day clothing and still have shit left over. it's so insane, I can probably cloth 55 people max. It's so sick, seriously, and the worst part is that my closet looks like shit, clothes are in little balls not waiting to be worn, but more like waiting to be used as a pillow. I mean, sometimes I enjoy the clustered closet, actually it's the only part that really does not compel me in my obsessive compulsiveness to clean it, I kind of like the disorder, it symbolizes something that is like art for myself. I can never draw, I just don't like it, i'm so critical, but the way my clothes line and how they're in different sections and how they're ranged is magnificent to me. It's odd, yes, and I could be a closet organizer too, a stylist, a blah blah blah, but you know what, i'm not, and it's just a dream. It's what happens to the weak, dreaming, if you dream so much, you become nothing but a dream and you don't live in reality. I think about my consumption, it's a lot, but it's that fullfilment, that coming home and plotting on the bed because you had an exhilrating day of shopping, it's very orgasmic, and no, sports don't do that to me nor a workout, sports make me sweaty and want to take a shower, not to mention I know that there will be a ring around my head too from the elastic, but shopping is just great, it's like the fillingness, while sports is more the feeling of badass thinness.