No. 218

Song: IMX anything
Ok, so for some reason my mouse keeps on clicking onto Blogger, it did it another day when I had an inkling to write, but I refused to, because I had ot much stuff to do. So, now I am writing, even though my take-home midterm is due tomorrow, yea, I did it sorta of, i'm going to revise tonight.

Ok, so i'm in my state of where are the boys?

Yes, i'm having this deep afinity for Vin Diesel, I see him everywhere media/film/Hollywood wise, and i'm like, damn the guy is hot, acting wise it's a little I'm not sure, but it's that mystique type thing I don't know even though he's 36 or so... I know, i'm odd. So now I was on the balcony looking down and saw this dude with two girls, obviously probably boyfriend or friend enough to hang out on Sun, and i'm like, why do I not have that. I mean, right now, my life is filled with these boys who are complete freaks, as in I really don't get them and their opinions minds whatever. All of a sudden, love songs, any song I actually listen to the words and you know what, I feel this emptyiness that I just don't know what to do with. What I do is go out with my lounge chair and just chill, get a face tan, something I am still tempted to do, yet I have my midterm thing to do due on Monday. So yea, I don't understand, I mean, i've got it all, yet i'm still unhappy. I have this great base of friends and family, yet all I want to do is go to Bora Bora by myself and just get a tan, the fact is by myself is freakish, I mean, my whole life I dreamed of a happenin' socialite side, yet I have it, and i'm like, why can't I just stay inside? It's becoming the point where i'm saying sleep is highly overrated, I mean, all I do is sleep, eat, study, take a shower, go to class, and hang out with friends, I don't know what else I want, but I need a little zest, and when I get that zest, it's over and I want my old life back. Also what makes me pissed is that Bellevue is no longer how I see Bellevue, it's as if I have become more cynical and I don't know what to say about it, it's like this world that either eats you or you eat it, I mean, you either win or you lose and I think i'm losing, and I need to win again, what I do by winning is pureply materialistic though, something I hate to do, but sometimes I feel necessary that I have to do. Sometimes I feel it's necessary to rock Rolex and various Bling pieces, but in a way, I wish people wouldn't see me for that, just see the person who I am through my physical atributes and how I carry myself, not how I rock a piece of materialistic item. Yea, and I also realized that the unabomber guy hates me because I represent the capitalist consumer materialistic society that he chooses not to embrace. I'm sorry, I just do, and it's not like I want to wear birkenstocks and take a hike, but I just want to not be judged, something that can't be done, which saddens me.

Also, i'm having insane fantasties about becoming a stylist.

Ok, so I have this notion that I would change people's lifes, ordinary people-upper middle class, by redoing their wardrobes through seasons so it represents them, the season, and the stylish people they want to be. So, yea, then this spawns into come be a stylist in Hollywood, an actress hears about me and wants her to help me-don't know which one, but a simplistic hip up and coming, then I meet Vin-because i've been partying it up and I decide to become his stylist, just because he needs to get rid of that tough guy look (if it's all possible) and replace it will an average dude that can rock both aspects of a nice guy and a bad guy. So yea, and then i'm thinking about how this lady at Estee Lauder says I'm great at choosing colors, then my cousin saying I should become a stylist, but my problem is ok, I have no job experience, I live in a world where fashion stylists really aren't used, and i'm seriously thinking could I become a stylist. What happened to the lawyer, I mean, yes I can become on, I will, but for one thing is that my thought is that if I really wanted to do something, I could retire at 40 and do it and I'd live the best of both worlds, but stylists aren't 40, they're age prime I think is like 30 right... so i'm like what the fuck do I do, seriously, maybe it's just an inkling of being a stylist, and when I think about it, I can't even get myself together-how can I get some other person together, I mean, I look fine, but i'm not what I deem stylistic perfect all the time, so yes, i'm seriously like what the hell do I do, should I even try to do the stylistic thing over the summer, or should I just find a decent paying job and move on with my life...