No. 214

Phase No. 34586793

Ok, this phase, being motivated to write in this thing, even though i'm paralyzed with fear...So A Walk To Remember Soundtrack moves me while reading RuPaul's journal. I ask myself, why he writes what he did and some things may be very prompt and let's just say, not meant for some people to here, but he's ok with it, no one is suing him. What's up with this. I know this poor lad that has the school watching him outside of his school life just because he wrote something about the school's admin, I mean, hey it's personal opinion, not bad, but I mean, millions of people out there and who finds out, seriously, what are the odds?

Ok, so all my life I wanted drama, all my life I wanted to be bad, all my life I wanted to be everything that I personally thought I wasn't, and you know what, all my life I thought I knew everything and got all the perspectives etc, but what turned out is that I was GREEDY, in the terms of wanting it all, wanting everything, and it always being, "me." I remembered in kindergarten or preschool whatever grade one, they always say, don't worry about anyone else, but yourself. I think that's what happened to me, I mean, i'm not heartless, but I think i'm one of the greedier ones out there. So yea, I realized that to some people, I am their bestfriend, to s ome people, I bring drama, and to some people, i'm bad, i'm horrendous. I realize that I'm the shit to some, i'm the power for others, and some I influence them. Nothing is more touching, I mean, most times you really don't know how you effect people, you can always guess and then they tell you in some indirect way-it's what I strive for, not strive for, but it really makes my life here special. I mean, I understand how i'm a sister to one etc. I just always thought I would be the one for one person, I'd be the all, it's like those damn movies, they're always so deceiving. Seriously, you believe your life is like a movie, or at least I do, and it's completely untrue. I mean, I always knew I would affect people-but of course naturally you would, it's humans to coerce with each other, but most of the times it's the generic I like you u're a great friend blah blah blah. I'm like, I don't want to hear generics, I want to hear why, why why? I believe the greatest question of all is WHY? So yes, as the Meredith Brooks song, "bitch" i'm everything, i'm not a big bitch though I'd have to say, I mean, I have my moments, but I am not a bitch, more like a slightly hormonal girl who revolves like the sun. Yea, so I mean, no, it's not bitch.