No. 219

Ok, i'm blogging. It's weird, I always do what is the exact opposite of my peers sometimes, keyword, sometimes. So yes, i'm feeling rather SJP and i'm just doing a little rendition of SATC sitting here sans cigarette, but music is on full blast and i'm going to put in a nice blog. I actually have something to say this time. I feel bad for neglecting this thing, but then again, I mean, it's mine right and I don't neglect it, I rather have good things to say, then not have anything to say at all.

Song: Joi-Lick (I realized if I ever have a lot of sex, I want to have sex to this song, it's the perfect speed, seriously, I got it off xXx because Vin is oozing hotness, regardless of the whole my cousin thinks he's "beefy" and the fact that he's 36. He seems like he's only 29.

Let Downs

Do I have high expectations or does it seem like the world lets me down? I take it back, it's not the world, just insert some random word, anything will do. I realized that all of Hollywood smokes, not all, but most of Hollywood smokes, but they keep it on the DL and act like they don't by doing the whole smoke free public places... but why would you do that when y'all smoke? What's with the holistic yoga jamba juice zone diet ocassionally then throw in some cigarettes, sure why not right, you felt so healthy doing yoga, why not. Why this sudden thing, I just realized that now of Friends fame, Matt, Jennifer, Courtney, and possible all the others smoke as well, but those free have been seen with the addiction. This also ties into my whole thought about or my professor's thought/anthropologist thoughts about how people buy things because of culture, not because they want to. I have fallen victim to this, I have always said that I AM ME AND ME IS ALL THAT I WILL BE. So then I realized, god, I enjoy the peasant look because it's so a la Britney and the fine femmes, and then I realized, god drinking Starbucks in hand is so fashionable with cell in other, but I have not been holding on to my cell, because ok, first off, so why do people hold onto their cell phones in the first place? Most people have it on vibrate, so that means, it would be vibrating in your hand when you're holding it, I don't know, but I personally would drop the fucker, just as I did already-accident, and got it fixed, thank god, long story about my horrors of a hotty totty I think i'm all that because I sell cell phones gimme a break puleeze. Ok, so then I was on this whole craze of drinking coffee because I believed, A. would make me lose weight because of added caffeine, so I wouldn't have to take caffeine pills, B. it made me feel oh so glam while holding a cup of java C. it made if feel bad ass, because I can stomach coffee-black with sugar natch. I stopped, why, because I became a "chronic worrier" and I had this thing where i'd mulitask myself that I became so insecure I digidialed to anyone that I knew could help me for reassurance and I was a rambler. Yes, that's when I stopped. Instead when I feel a little down, I take one and only one caffeinated mint, 3 is a whole cup of soda, so one is obvious less, and but if I downed the liquids-i'd down a lot, I enjoy liquids immensely and drink tons of fluids, that's why I will refrain. I also believed that green tea would make me skinner-therefore I drank green tea, then got tired of making hot water, and am now in process of buying those hot water makers all on your own things.

Why can't I be happy?

This is the question, oh and as I was currently on my caffeine addiction, it also lead to another horrible habit, and I also questioned if I needed therapy. Yes, I really wondered. I was seriously thinking about it, I mean, I have these questions and I have no answers to them, or they're answers for the moment. So yes, why can't I be happy, I have the life, I mean, at home i'm living in luxury, at the dorm-i'm just chillin', and I get mediocre grades-I could try so much harder, I don't work, I shop every weekend and hang out with friends all the time, but why can't I be happy. Part of me, a strong part, wants to be famous, I want to be Vin Diesel's stylist because dear god I can't take the matching jean ensembles anymore boys, then I say, why can't I be some Hilton wannabe celebutante as E! describes, but then again, I wouldn't want my whole life to be like that, I mean, I have plenty of unfashionable days and could I handle it being aired in Teen People or People, hell no. I can't even rip off a bandaid without yelping and how am I suppose to be all strong and mighty and be the "it" girl, when often I dream of being the "it" girl. It's not like I don't get enough attention, I am the "it" girl, I know it all, I have it all, but ironically, I am still not happy. It's life's greatest irony, why can't you be happy for more then that moment. Buddha, I just don't get it, I try, I really try, but at the end of the day-I still feel like shit. Not in that suicide type of deal, but in the way like, I have all this-and I can't be happy, and i'm not even referring to materialism, it's past that, I have great friends and family and a father that has evolved and it's meant so much to me, but why, why why why can't I be happy. It's like i'm on the top of the world-and it's still not it. It's so hard to describe, I also think my ego has been given a fluff or too. My friends tell me i'm great, I know i'm great, certain socio economic classes know i'm great, but why can't I say i'm great. The only times I feel happy is for about a split second, when i've impressed, surpressed, opressed, surmised someone or something. It's like the power, I crave it, yet I hold all the power, but I can't realize it. It's like the more elite you are-you think you have less culture or are cultureless, but in reality-you have the most culture, everyone does, it's just we can't see our culture and think that our surroundings and decisions are simply the norm and the chic thing to do, not "culture."