No. 211

Bitchness, it's not bitchness, it's like self loathing, that's what it is, a change of temp. in my body, or plan just emotions, or buddha knows what, it can't be expressed in words to describe it.

Ok, tomorrow is my birthday. I don't feel old or am having a mid-teen crisis, or late teen crisis of any sort, but shit has happened ok, over this past year, it's been the most exciting I gotta say. Oh, and to top it off, I was like, hey, talked to this guy who lived in my dorm, one floor above, freaked, didn't go, then went, and now he hates me, and I felt he was quite bitter, the fact is he could have been more understanding, since i'm so virginal to this "meeting up outside of the net" thing, and repeat, I will never do this shit again, so then I get this other msg and it's like, i'd love to be friends blah blah (another guy), send it back and say usual hey what' s up banter, he's like, "what do you look like in a guy" i'm seriously pissed off now, is it now that the internet is only used to mack on other people, I mean, the boys have no game, so why would you want to do it on the net, get a little practice first, and all i've heard from these people are, "I don't have a gf, what do you think my prob is?" I'm like, maybe because you're still sitting at your comp writing me versus actually going somewhere to find the damn girl. So, yea, i've had enough with this P. Diddy wannabes. I hate it, I mean, I guess I was so naive or something and didn't realize that the net is like just for getting you mack on or something. So that totally pissed me off, not to mention that some freak the Uni pays to powerwash this one section of the pavement has been there for 2 days during 5 hour intervals, damn people,it wasn't like moss was growing and people slipped and fell. Not to mention, it's so hard to make friends, like i've got a steady stream, totally chill every night, but I mean, new people that are actually friends, not acquanitances, like people you can chill with usually, that is the hard part. So yea, i'm so at awe, and different people's lifestyles, like I can't imagine it, I mean it's sort of cool watching people go through life knowing they will be a part of history, I mean, it's great, I'm just like, my kids will be learning about what we're going through now. It's such an odditity, but a lot has happened, and it's not purely superficial and I can't get a 4.0 deal too, I mean, on a small skill, it was quite exhilirating. All my life, I was like, why can't I get drama, I got it, and now, I'm starting to think I don't want it. Is that wrong, is it wrong to want something you can't have and when you get it you're so disappointed? I just don't know now, not I just don't know anymore, I will know, but not now.