The heart ache and the heart break

It's over...that is feeling fat, it's time to get it together.

Ok, so you know in a way I believe some people are meant to be certain things, such as short people were meant that and so were fat people. Just like some people their whole lives drives hondas and another set drives "luxury" vehicle. It's like some are destined to do well on tests like the LSAT, GRE, MCAT while some struggle to even get a number on the test. My question is, so even though you work diligently-say trying to eat right and exercise or studying mega hard, you still not as good, you never will be as good, and i'm tired of what people say to me. I'm tired of the questions..."what do you like to do," "you know you're really fat, what are you going to do about" all those questions. I can't take it anymore, so in a sense, i'm doing with the rich are doing, that ironical "I have all the money in the world to buy food, but instead i'm just not going to eat it and stare at my plate." I"m reading this blog and the blogger says that he doesn't want to be slim or slender, he wants to be SKINNY, yes the kind of skinny that people tell you that you need to "eat a sandwich." I wonder what it's like, I mean i've 21, I admit it and most of my life I was fat, the skinny years didn't even count, but at that point I Just choose not to eat and I think I should do that now. This isn't about a "disease" I have, but it's more like i'm not going ot eat bread anymore because if I do i'll eat three. It's true, today I had three pieces of bread. I use to bulk up in fatness because one day I was afraid that I would be poor and I would have no food to eat, it kind of makes sense, like when you think of bears, they hoard all their food then sleep the long winter, that's what I was doing. It's like Survivor and Richard Hatch, he was fat, felt ok because I mean he had all that fat he had stored up, so he wasn't as miserable as those skinny people who really took a beating. I tell this to certain people because these are my issues, the issue of not having enough money, but like certain racial groups who are not prone to talking to other people about certain situations and just dismissing their woes, that is the answer I got. I realized I am that way too, like sometimes i'll just dismiss someone's issues because they are petty, and in a sense outsiders may think my issue is petty, but to me, it's like a whole fucking world, to the degree that I would figure out how much a peanut butter and jelly sandwich cost me if I made it at home-yes i'd divide the price by the amount of servings etc... This is what's wrong with certain ethnic groups, like you see some love to eat and feel the ease of familyhood, some don't, I unforunately belong to the some don't part. Like, i'm sure that when our parents die, all the cousins won't ever talk to each other, we won't send each other cards because we hardly don't now unless you send one then they send one back to you and we'll all live our lives of solititude, and there will be no one to help you, that is right, no one, regardless of what people say and use to I was like, hahaha, that's wrong, people will be there, no, it's right. I think my issue though is that I feel like i'm going to settle and I don't like it, it's kind of sad because you meet those people who don't want to settle, but I realize the rational choice is to settle and inevitably the more you fight it the more you have to lose. I hate that feeling, just like I hate that feeling of people say I have to "get out..." It's not a rational decision for me because I wouldn't have a place to go, and if I do I'd just get even more sad, where am I suppose to go and no I don't enjoy convorting with people that don't see my vision. I've got major issues, it's sad because it's my last year in college and I don't want to leave, in a way, it's sad because I really regret college because I didn't learn that much, I didn't party that much, in fact, it's really a big regret, because I mean I am that type of person who is prepared to die, I could do it at any second, but the fact that if someone said, what would you like to redo, i'd say college, because i'd study more, and i'd try to get more out of my $32 per class tuition. It seems cheap, but we're tlaking per day per class. I know, I have issues, I even figure out how much each class costs me. Some people say, god, "you haven't loved anyone, isn't there a ton of things you want to do?" Yea sure, but in the end that stuff won't matter and I don't want to do anything because it all comes down to money, seriosuly, if I went traveling, we'd really talk about the money involved, not what we would see and what the experience we would get out of it. Some people say it's all in the mind and I put these issues up, and no, it's more like ok, it's a part of it, but it's more like it's what you project out, someone project the "i am better then you and I will subtly let you know it" and that makes me sad, because it's true that they are better than that person, but do you have to state that even in a subtle way...not doing what I want has in fact been a blessing because I realized if I did it, I would have just been mindlessly doing it while worrying about money. A part of me really likes to study, be on a campus, but then a part of me knows that I can't teach kids, I can't follow the life of academia because it's not going to happen and no my major doesn't make me a major figure head or a profession that no one can talk about. Maybe it's just sad for me because I am young but realize that some things I just won't be able to attain and i've settled and some people say don't settle, but they just don't get it. Like there's no way for me to do some things. you ask, well i'm sure there is a way. I tell them, ok, you know what, let me break it down, I want to do somethign I absolutely love, I want to work from 9-4, I want to be able to travel and no on red eye for the company, I want to be able to have a summer house, my ultimate goal is to drive a nice cars (yes one for winter and one for summer), I want ti all, I want to have a dog, even a cat, I want the "other half," I'd want child, i'd want to have great vacations and experiences, but is that going to happen, most likely not...truthfully, what will happen is I will get that office job, the 9-5, I won't be traveling and if I will be it won't be in airports but like driving to other job sites, most likely the nice car I will have will be just one and it'll cost me an arm and a leg for gas, insurance and then someone may hit it too, I probably won't have the cat or dog because i'll be too fearful of accidentally killing it, I probably can't find the other half because I haven't even gotten that far, i'd probably want to adopt but wouoldn't want to bring in achild in one household and probably can't afford it, i'd probably not have great vacations in a sense of going somewhere because no one would go with me and i'd just watch tv. Some say, no that's not true, it's the way the system is brought up, I was mentioning that it would be great to bring a friend to an upcoming event, this event requires overstay etc. instantly instead of a person dear to me said, "yea sure we'll see" that person, "ARE YOU KIDDING, YOU HAVE TO GET A HOTEL AND HOW ARE YOU GOING TO DO THAT AND FOOD AND GAS" so that basically sums up that whole they aren't coming, evne though it'd be fun because in reality we'd just split hotel and pay for own food and gas well if worse comes to worse we'd just drive to cars, buy this person comes from the realm of "you shouldn't give other people rides because if you get an accident they can sue you and you can go bankrupt" so that is why people, you should never take your friends in your car because god forbid that you get an accident and the sue your ass and you go broke. That is the reason why this person doesn't have stories and isn't going to be one of those people who like has great fabulous stories to tell people at parties and to their grandchildren. The heart ache the heart break...of the truth and Jordan Knight's CD isn't that bad, some reason I just felt listening to him, don't even ask me why.