No. 276

Ok, every time I come onto blogger, something is new, apparently, now Text can be different colors? Say WHAT?

Today, I lost it, completely almost, but at least I was able to regain my composure. God, things are pissing me off, here is the list...

Ok, so lets start out with class, i'm sitting here listening to these people struggle, you know, that whole minority struggle to rise up top while the white man brings them down, that whole thing, and i'm thinking, this is really sad and these people are the next generation and they're just thinking about going to clubs, and I wonder will they make it and be the model minority-clearly they are not, but are they going to be doctors or lawyers or at least maybe make a good living.

Speaking of living, everyone would say that they would like their child to make a good living and support themselves-this has been freaking me out lately. As of last year, to think about it, it's almost been a year since all the bad things have happened, some things are better and some are substained, but I still freak out about money. Oh yea, and so then I recently got this brochure put on my desk by my mother, basically it's like where you pay 3000 bucks for this lady to help you lose weight, and their's like counseling and everything right. Ok, at least my mother didn't urge me to go and do it, but seriously, if I was there, i'd be like, ok, if you can make sure that i'll be financially set for the rest of my life then I don't have to worry, that's why I eat carbs all the time, because i'm always so fearful that one day I won't have anything to eat and then what right? Yea, this is like a stupid thing of mine-seriously, because I have tons of food, but i'm always really fearful, but yea, if that lady could gurantee me that I wouldn't have to worry about anything financially, about how our deficit is growing and how our generation will have to pay a lot more taxes and all that and how there aren't new jobs and lower wages and longer hours and blah blah blah, then yea, i'd not eat carbs, but for now, I am.

So, then that was another thing, listening to depressing stories about garments workers from students whose mom's experienced this-i'm extremely lucky-but like they say, luck doesn't last right. Then I have to go to this meeting, the lady had another person and then another and she told me it was okay to come, but god, why wouldn't you be like, sorry, I have other students coming, come another time or I won't be able to fit you in, and then while I had an important agenda, the other girls who were just there for like a weekly meeting where talking about how drunk they were and couldn't go to some place and about television, WTF right, then I ask her the question and instead of just answering the question, she took 25 minutes to discuss with me and talk about her computer. GOOD GRIEF. I'm like, way to go for time management, seriously, piss me off even more, and then school is stressing me out sort of. It's weird, I got a 3.4, i'm usually happy, but then i'm like, why didn't I get a 3.5 and hello-no comments on my paper-so how would I know if I did good or bad or what needs to be improved. I'm just so cranky, I don't even know why...

Oh and then I had this triple shot mocha, and I went to this Thai place for phad thai. It wasn't that great and they used so much fish sauce, and we all know fish sauce has this rancid smell in it-god, it smelled so bad and now my fleeces smell like phad thai. That pissed me off even more and then I had to charge my ipod, thank you for my friend who had the charger, but it was annoying, because the one outlet I could get it, I had this weird little boys sitting separately, but always trading papers-like what the hell, why can't you sit together right?

Oh and I was going to clean my room-not happening, yea it's been a month since I vacuumed I think and whatever, then I felt bad, because I took it out on the fat cat. I really didn't mean to, but then he got in my way so I threw my foot down and stomped around and now he's all freaked out. Like I really meant it right. sorry kitty. Just fucking annoying, and then my housemates are so annoying, it's like the won't clean up after themselves, and they have these annoying habits. If I get into law shcool, I am not having a roommate again. I got extremely lucky with my current one and love her dearly, but I don't think I can deal with the others, god, it's freaking pissing me off.

I just feel so angry right now, and i'm listening to Franky J, suppose to be calming and chill, but not. Oh yea and while talking to my teacher, I also said that it was hard for Asian Americans to date-interracially or with their own race or whatever-she doesn't get it, and i'm dead serious, but to me, there's different level of Asian Americans economically and that's the reason for it, but it'll be hard to show her this, because she doesn't believe it.

Also, making me feel even more alone was the fact that now I can't relate to Asian Americans, and my teacher implied this, not by telling me this, but by how she used examples or the fact taht she's like Asian Americans are dating a lot now-well tell me why i'm not, my cousin isn't, and like 10 of my friends. So, now, no longer do I feel Asian, Asian American, or American, I'm definitely not white, oh and all of a sudden I have this afinity towards black people. Not that I lived in some black ghetto and got shot 9 times a Fifty cent and Jay Z, but for some reason, I feel relatable to them through their music, but by far they and me in real life cannot connect.

I also recently saw this documentary about an Indian professor that was about to kill herself and about how she felt all alone. Then this class was saying that she had low self esteem and blah blah blah and i'm like, there is no way you could realize what went on in this women's head and how much her family and environment effected her, they did say family and environment were key, but they sounded like they were all knowing and i'm like, there is no way you can know, seriously. Also, it seems like my class glorifies the fact that they once struggled and now can sit in the classroom, or more like not "they," but more like their parents struggled extremely hard and now let them have this opportunity.

I don't get it about myself, that's why, it's not all knowing because I don't even know. I can't claim the struggle of others and feel the connection. I can't gloat with others about my success because I have none of my own. I am not the ghetto and I am not corporate America. I am not kept but I am not a beggar.

In no way can I feel the emotions of a daughter who helped her seamstress mother and in no way can I gloat about being 'daddy's little girl' and driving only MBs, but that may be part of my life, but I don't need to showcase that, just as I wouldn't want people to know how much is in my bank account. Also, I was reading an article on MSN about money and how if you're richer then your peers or even manage money better, your peers tend to baulk at you-which is entirely true, which is why I don't ever talk numbers and the farthest i'll go is saying it's 6 digits. That's all i'll say. Feeling sad now, and cranky at the same time. God, I hate fish sauce. Oh and when I say I feel sad, i'm truly like depressive sad, sometimes people do that little, i'm sad and that face, i'm like no, it wasn't because I spilled my frappucino, but rather, because these issues cannot be resolved today, or tomorrow, or possibly ever and I always question myself about head doctors and wonder if I should even though I vowed I had no problems that retail therapy could not resolve for me, and in a sense, it's like why even bother, I don't need people to judge me and analyze me and say oh I get it-but then it's like, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT? Because if you can't end world strife, then don't even go there.