No. 274

Blogger, i've missed you. I miss my SATC like moments as I write to you. Tis the time though, and this ending year has left me in a funk. I feel the urge to blog, but often was too lazy. My sleeping clock is out of wack because of my parents hiatus to a far off land where time is the opposite of US, therefore i've been going to bed at 2 and waking up at 11, how am I going to go to sleep at 11 and wake up at 9 during next quarter? I also realized, another relevation such as the beginning of an end of something. This year was the end of bad grades (hopefully, knock on wood), but the realization that I was homesick for 3 years. This also marks the year that I realized Christmas is over, in fact, it was over when I was like 5-8, when I could fully comprehend things-I realized Christmas was crap and dead to me, but I kept that facade going-just like I did about my not being homesick until this year. This year, I said to hell with it, Santa never gets me what I want and why exchange subtle pleasantries with Santa (aka whoever mom or dad would be writing my "be a good girl" note and giving me what I didn't ask for). Only has there been one Christmas that I recall what I wanted, and that's because I kept saying, "I want Winnie the Pooh, Santa should bring it to me" like fourty billion times, but then I got one with a sweater that says the year on it too-so in fact, Pooh wasn't timeless, I wanted one that was unbeknowst to what year I had acquired it, instead I got one marked by the year. The end of such shams, forget the holidays-it's really nothing, and plus, it just makes you spend more, especially the repressed shoppers. This year I gave myself presents, and I did it not like they are from a "special someone" meaning "me," but when I bought things online from myself, I giftwrapped and gave myself a card (if it was free). It felt good, getting myself something I wanted. I got some pretty good stuff though, a fox fur collar puffy jacket-I really wanted one, I got a really nice cashmere sweater-in gray which I hear if you wear all gray is slimming and not as moody as wearing all black, I got a Ugg purse, which I belive Uggs should be for your feet, so I promptly returned that and am thinking of a future purchase. Not sure what, but I also can't justify myself buying a Juicy bag either-probably because I believe they should only make sweats, but this year has been like a haze to me, I just go through the functions, and i'm happy. It's okay now that I don't talk to people all the time and try to interact, i'm happy going back to the uwhouse where it's quiet and the kitties greet me.

I want to address something wrong with us as humans. Free aid is something given out of a kind heart. The US has been attacked because "we didn't act that fast" WTF, isn't free aid not a requirement, but rather an act of kindness. No law, or shall I say, a law that is dutifully enacted says that you have to help others. People blame us for not acting fast enough-what the hell, you can never win. If we had a press conference and said at the beginning when it happened, we're working on it, they'd be like, what have you to show-u have nothing, u're not acting fast enough, when we do have a great deal of kindess, they pummel the adminstration for acting to slow, dear lord people, come on?!? Seriously, I mean, when I was thinking ok-poor people, unexpected, this shit happens, that why I tape everything down if I think it will break, sorry you didn't do the precautions, you couldn't anyways, but you could still have a aftermath plan right, but regardless, I was thinking, ok, US debt just went up, come on, we're fighting the war, we're in a semi slump-regardless of how many people hit the mall, I mean, not doing good here, and now we're giving out free aid or allocating aid that goes somewhere else to them, great, but I mean, what other countries are aiding either huh? Everyone else just says, "it's under control and being dealt with" yea right, like you can control that, no one even knows how many people were in a area at one time, and up until now, one area didn't even receive aid until today, and whose to blame, not the people living there or their governments, hell no, it's the US again, cuz the US is always the big bad person who is always to blame-give me a fucking break. It's time to turn the blame game into, "this is useless, let's get past this, and just try to pool ALL the resources of ALL countries and help out." Seriously, it's like a human thing to blame people, it's always to blame. Like Bush sucks as speeches and he's bad, but the Kerry does good in speeches, but is bad. In life, no one can win-ever, and I question why I always think of life as a game-cuz in the end, no one really wins, you all lose, cuz you die.

It's like the end of the year, and i'm speechless, it's like I have nothing to say not because I do not, but because I know that it will not help me, that it seems to create a better sense of knowing and belonging for me, instead, it just creates menial work. Therefore, I realize, i'm not making any resolutions-cuz it's always going to be in some form of more money, less body weight, and more materialism, so why even bother-cuz we all know, it's not going to happen. Also, I realized this while watching this Chinese movie about truth and dare, really stupid, but did have a good meaning. Anyways, moving on, less thinking, more living-even if it's not exciting living, really don't give a fuck. Slow long old year, give me a better year, I even got one of those prosperity dangly things to put up.