No. 273

Oh, the quarter is over and I finally backed up my files. It feels great to be done, not to mention it's been so long since i've had blogger-I don't see how I could ever give it up-it's always there for me you dear blogger-and WTF the font is now different again,sheesh.

A few things...

I'm a lurker-I admit it, i'll peruse people's sites, xanga, livejournal, whatever, and just look up into their lives, even people I don't know, but have seen or somehow am interwined with. I realize, these people, fascinating, reason probably why I watch reality tv. Note to self: don't really like Heidi Klum, but love Project Runway, I think it's the voice, but Tyra seems more "real." Also, was watching the first episode of friends when Ross brings the monkey-so cute so cute. Ok, so on xanga-it seems like the whole asian population is on xanga and that's it. All i've really noticed about these are how they partied, how they shopped it up, and how they worked on cars. Great...also one girl whose saying lawyers make mad money when they come out and drive luxury vehicles and make $75,000. That's if: A. you're really good. B. if you're really good and like to live up to the limit. Like, for instance, I know this one man who has a bentley, sure, big dog right, but this man still has student loans, still has other loans, still has credit card debt-don't ask me how he can buy the big b, but it's possible in the land of American were you can have monthly payment plans for your computer and your rolex. Also, watching Vh1, loves it man, and how Tinkerbell Hilton is the Fabulous Fourty thing, hiliarous. But more so, to my point when I read these things, and also life in general. I've come to a whole new clarity-I realize I don't belong. I'm Chinese, but I don't think I belong to the "Chinese culture," I want to, but it doesn't mean others want me to, then of course i'm not white therefore I can't be American, it's just weird, it's like in this life, I have no belonging-and you search for it, and I have a feeling I'd never find it, there is no "integrated america." Also, on this one girl's diary thing, she's saying that her and this guy were talking about how asian girls do that whole angry bitch label wearing thing to appear mean because they're insecure and unconfident. Ok, partial reason, semi buy it, but then the guys like u girls only wear prada because it makes you feel like a rich bitch-partial reason, but it's something else in the culture, it's something deeper then that. It's like the reason why asians love to be ghetto fabulous and not country hick. Seriously, i've never encountered an Asian who was like, I love my country, more like Snoop Dogg and Pharell's new song is hot. Also, what's with the ipod-I get the ipod and now it's like the must have-it's like people are willing to each cock roaches for the ipod-it's 300 bucks, give me a break, like u'd have to get me a lifetime membership to marquis jets with no extra fees to be able to eat one coach roach and i'd eat the wing or something. But yea, I feel like I never belong-even at the grocery store. It's weird, also taking an Asian American class, realizing, you always try to blend in, like in Chinatown-i'm fob-no not really if you notice the subtles-but I wouldn't wear my hampton whites and plus sometimes it smells-not good combo, and in white america-i'm white, I admit it. I enjoy to speak perfect english, but I also enjoy my chinese food-a la dim sum-good dim sum and fresh made noodles. Sure, i'll eat the shark fin and the abalone-not to say it still tastes like chicken, but yea, also one time this young man whom I know asks me where good chinese food is-I tell them, since they're white, just go where you usually go-he's like, do you eat dog? I of course, being in white mode, brush it off, but I'm offended, but then i'm like this poor jetta driving metrosexual with a manly gf will never know what my life is like-like no one could tell him, i've eaten things worth more then his car, things that tell time is worth more then his car, the subtles of what I wear is worth more then his car-he'll never know, lots of people don't know and no i'm not wearing the victoria's secret diamond bra worth like some random million more, but yea, lots of people assume they're in fact, not real, and i'm like if you want to think that-great, then you won't ask me for money or mug me. Also, these things i'm "wearing" they are not that I got a boob job, but actual possessions-think Jay-Z's watch collection, but on a girly smaller baller level. I'm so lucky, this hasn't happened to me-knock on wood. But back on topic, i'm not angry and irate looking because i'm unconfident, I am sometimes angry, but I swear, it's in the Asianness of people, lots of girls look angry, but they aren't, seriously, trust me, i've encountered this, especially this one girl I see at school lots- angry all the time cuz of the bags under her eyes-makes her look cranky, but I think she naturally looks like that, and she could fix it if, she did the retinol eye cream and a lot more sleep, but also she could be angry, cuz she's really short. I sometimes appear angry, but in the sense more like suave angry like the Chinese mafia as I cruise in and out from classes. I can't help it, it's just me. Also, I know lots of people say that HK girls are ugly and bitchy-'tis true, but also, I mean, I don't know, either you look mean angry and bitchy or either you look sweet and pig tail like a la the asian girl in Clueless. I guess it's like most people notice the angry ones cuz you wanna say, what's up with her, cuz if u noticed a happy one-u'd just say, that one loves to go to school. Come on man, but yea, spent mad money this christmas...why do I keep saying "mad" and also speaking of Christmas...

An end of an era, christmas is dead to me. I realize this as I got into my comfy bed and pulled the duvet over my head that christmas is over, I don't feel compelled to decorate the freaking tree or get people gifts or write christmas cards. Not because i'm tired, trust me, had plenty of rest, but it seems like Christmas is over, this marks the death of christmas for me. With people dying around christmas, my grades hitting the all time low last christmas, being emotionally distraught every day, couldn't stop crying every day-but yet feeling that actress facade of that Mase song of nothing could faze him, yea, I mean, christmas is over, and in a sense it never really started. I mean, we're asian, we're not religious-why celebrate christmas. I never got what I wanted for christmas-except this year because I actually picked it out, but it wasn't from "santa." Also, my mother who divulges that she writes santa's letter to me, and plus, now since you can email santa-I really think it's over, but I still do remember the time when I sent santa a letter and got one back-way cool and the times in my old house were i'd look up into the chimney and seek if he was coming down or as I wake up and fresh snow was on the ground. Like, in my new house now, I always feel unsafe and someone is lurking around the property. It's weird, cuz i'm sure I could have died easier in my old house, but now, I'm in constant fear, I always fear someone will break it, kill me, or just do hate crimes, and no I don't live in the projects, but it's this weird sense, also cuz I don't go downstairs and just stay at the top level of my house all the time, like in the whole year, I probably only go down there likd 52 times, and that's taking into effect i have to do laundry down there, and if I did it every two weeks. It just freaks me out, like seriously you know when you have to do those bomb evacuation things at school, i'm like great, we're in a field and instead of a bomb, some random freak can come and gun us all down and it'd be no big deal. Also, since everyone has cell phones and usually talks on them and how all the teachers say yea, the phone could make teh bomb go off-it's like great, talking to mom's and bam, i'm dead cuz i was talking on the cell phone. FAB-U-LO-OUS. But, Christmas is dead to me, it's over, i'm thinking i'm just going to write a letter to Santa and say, stop coming ot the house and visit the other kids because this kid is too full of hatred, loss hope, and sadness for Santa to visit, and also other kids deserve it more, also, sent stuff to charity-made me feel good, and also sent stuff to people who could use it more then me, like 5 bags-made me feel good. Also, it kind of really didn't make a big dent in my closet-kind of scared...Watching America's Top Model now.