No. 235

Hormones are making me feel horrendous.

I guess it's hormones. I'm feeling diva esque-and that's Mariah, not Whitney freakish. I'm feeling like life's a bitch and all I need it some shopping therapy. No, tha'ts not it, I take it back, i'm just disgusted at my life right now, not in the fact like in some third world country where'd I be trying to get food right now, but I just feel like i've got all these things on my plate people are making me eat and I just want to go to Italy and get a pizza. Yea, that's what it's like. I've got more then a hand full of things that piss me off, so yea, i'm just not cool with that.

So, relevation, why do people name their possessions ie. animals cars whatever when it's not true. Like, why would you ever name a dog prada, I remember this lady on tv, named her dog prada. WTF? If you name your dog prada, you know that dog has to be in everything prada-so why do that, it's like saying, "hey, I can't afford prada, but i'm going to name my dog that." Like Gucci, if you don't fucking have the collar etc then don't even front. Oh yea, and knowing some people, they'd probably just get the faux Gucci fabric, seriously, just don't, just don't do it. It's like people front by putting up bags of their fave stores as decoration. Why do that, just why, like you can put up something if you like the image-like Herb Ritts many photos of Cindy, it's cool, it's semi art, but just putting up some random bag because you like their store, give me a fucking break. It's like why do you do that. Obviously it's saying you want something that you can't have. It's like, I wear RL underwear all the time and I don't think about it-I love it, but i'd never put up a bag of them. Maybe it's a luxury, like I buy never in ones, but in of course a weeks worth. It's just like what my cousins said, if we saw something that came in multiple colors, we'd buy both if we couldn't decide, while someone would just decide on one color. It's something we wouldn't think about it-we'd just get both. It's like the relevation of people using coins-I don't do it, at all, so i'm always perplexed when people pull out coins to pay for stuff. Seriously, like yes, when there are ads-I do keep them, but i've rarely put them up-only in my dorm because we all know that looks so trashy and right. It's like, at home, hell no-maybe because my rooms are so hotel-esque-or strive to be, but at the dorm, it gives me the freedom to be this trashy little thing with mismatched everything and the best tech stuff. It's liek the quinessential thing while being a dormie. There's this girl-she probably thinks nothing of me, because she has this air of thinking she is better then me, and i'm just fine with it-fine in the way that I am afflicted. As in, why do people still think that way, and most people by the end of the year will realize what's the deal. People who truly know and are too scared to say anything-it's what I love. But I don't do well when people are fronting or testing out the money waters-it just doesn't flow. That's why I get along with most people who are down to earth-because i've never talked about money-or I just don't, maybe that's why I couldn't hang out with new money, it's just not the thing. Like, it's the same situation with my perplexation of people who say they don't have any money and they mean it or people who say that they only have a little cash. My example of little cash is less then a 100. Ok, i've put together my mood, this is what I feel like right now: putting on my burbery scarf, taking my gucci bag out, wearing my uggs, sporting my fur vest and jeans and just cruising through the mall with a hand full of kiehl's products on going home in my big bodied benz to give myself a spa day while not answering my phone or talking to anyone, but myself. That's what I feel like, you know, using material possessions to tell people to BACK OFF. It's like the threatened high school version of me, what I wanted to be and now I am. It makes me sound like a complete idiot and brat, but sometimes it's just like, i'm not like that at all, but sometimes, you just invision that image and it gives you power over the yuppers. Yea, i'm bitter, it's like, i'm thinking- what am I doing, what have I got myself into. I don't want to do shit, I just want to sit in some big office telling people it'd be wise to sell while I'm making some 1,000 an hour, I don't even have to be Bill Gates rich, just give me enough, but how much is enough?

How much is enough?

So, while in high school, I couldn't wait, I hated seeing the sight of little girls with prom dresses blah blah blah cars that were so pimped out it was ghetto and couldn't wait to go to college. I'd thought i'd be happy, as in the image of me walking around old architecture with my coffee in hand walking to class. It's there, but it's not as exciting anymore. I remember I was at lady foot locker-trying on something random I think, and I saw these two girls, clearly college. One with Prada and I was like-they don't sell Prada in Seattle and I was thinking she's fly with her friend just having a girls thing you know. They were rocking. Now, i'm at my local mall and seeing those HS girls and i'm thinking, those were the girls, those were the times, it was easy, it was nothing back then, it was just chill. Now, maybe it's the fact that if I don't do well then i'm going to die a poor maid... It's like the pressure is on and it's not going to get any better, it's like there's no way I can't be better then my parents and it's no way that this school shit is going to get any easier. It just won't, because now "it's apparently the life" but i'm not partying, why because i'm working to get to the next level. Then I know what's it's going to be like, i'll be in my job as a lawyer-of course i'm going to have freaked out trying to get there-but then most things will be handed to me like always, and then i'm going to say, this lawyer shit sucks and those were the days in college. Seriously, it's like, in life, you can never win. Life is a game and you're the pawn, you're not the player, you just have to make it through and hopefully you'll get a nice reward-as in hopefully you won't die of a massive horrendous death of a coronary because of all the shit you've done to yourself over the years.

I ask myself?

What's better, smoking, drinking, not exercising, eating faux foods-as in those processed god knows why the cheese is orange type deals? Why do people like that live the most, seriously, why is it, why are they so damn lucky, when you see people who you think will live so much longer die or become half human beings. Struggling to hold on. Struggling to hold on to what? Why can't people let go, it's "the time" right? So, why can't you just say no and move on? Also, why am I listening to club music at a volume five when 2 could have done it at 4:56 in the afternoon. Like, the more pissed off I am, the louder the music gets. Also, why is everyone feel they are social only when at the pub, or the club, or at some random function. Relevation: Life is not like a sitcom, it's not like friends or SATC and regardless of life, there are no Will and Graces that live glamourously. Relevation: no one's life is glamourous. Only for that split second it is-and maybe that's why people chase it, for the split second when you realize all eyes are on and you are glamour, you are it, you are the shit and that's why people go for it constantly, because everyone wants to be famous right, even for a split second? For all those who deny so, they know, that even if they were-they wouldn't say they didn't like it right?

So, feeling like shit and I just don't know what to do, it's like, I just want to crawl into my down comforter and just go to sleep. I realize I tend to want even more luxurious things when i'm cranky. Like, i've a prima donna when i'm cranky, seriously, i'm like in that clueless movie where Cher wants the maid to go get the dry cleaning right then and there. Yea, but of course, i'm not important and this senseless shit i'm taking about is nothing when there are people dying in Iraq and over how many billion people are poor when i've probably got enough money to feed a small village. Yea, so why don't I do that, because it's one of life's mysteries. It's like, why doesn't Bill just help out some countries instead of putting it to more education for people who already have tons of it. One quote, " the rich get richer and the poor get poorer." This is in the context of not just money, but in everything in general.