No. 208

Death

I can't cry, I just can't, not that i'm heartless, not that i'm insincere, not because of "society's reasons," but simply, it's not worth my tears, not in that nonchanlant type deal, but it's like, seriously, why do we cry, why? Afflicted by death once again, indirectly to my life, this time, it's not my family, yet my friends, hence, they should be family, but of course, society categorizes them into friends and family. All I have to say is, yes, so ghetto fab, but much love, much love goes out to the family. I cannot understand, phatom, or even realize what it is to lose something, to lose a father. Two people have done so, but I just can't realize, I just, I don't know what it would be like, and I wouldn't cliche it as hell either. It's like, when someone dies, I really don't have a thing to say, seriously, because i'm not going to the whole general blah blah blah banter, why, because it's utterly pointless, yes, to fill the words with air, but why, why not silence in itself, and it always seems, when something horrid happens, it rains on cue, or at least in my life it does, or maybe the fact that I live in Seattle, i'm not sure. What I do know is that LIFE itself is more important, not all this education shit, or jobs, or whatever, the largest part that consumes your life is not important, but living life inadvertantly, realizing that life occurs when you're not conscientious about it, that is the greates life lesson learned, it's not about how I realize that the Irish and Germans played an important role in America, it's the fact that I realize that life itself is so important- (more thought on that later, not making sense). Right now, I don't know what to say, i'm just using my backspace key. It's like, for some reason, i'm more impacted by life occurring, then going to school or whatever, just observing life itself I think is the greatest thing i've gotten, and learning from it, seriously. It's like, yea sure, I care about who makes up the Americna people blah blah stock market up blah blah Two Weeks Notice out guy next to me is hot, but then, I mean, I just concentrate on some random person, some person I have no idea who they are, what they are, and I just look into what they do, what they are, and I realize or try to perceive what life they lead, maybe that's so horrid since it's generalizing etc, but I just feel fascinated by it. It's just banter, that's all i'm saying, it's nothing, no words can express what life is, what death is, how death affects people, how I feel for people in sorrow/sadness/mourning(whatever you wanna call it), I want words, but I realize that words aren't the answer, there is nothing I can do, and you know what, i'm ok with it, i'll just send my card, do whatever, and move on, being heartless, whatever, it's me, it's like the sole reason why I always look off kilter in clothes... it's me, and that's all to it.