No. 207

I tell myself it's over, but it's not, I cannot stop typing in this thing, I mean, some people say it's time to end it, but you know what, I'm not saying it, so i'm not. Oh, and I find that like another girl I know who does this whole journal thing, she also writes when she is afflicted. I look back, and it seems that I just can't be this horrid, but it's the power of instance, the one thought, the one second, the one tap, and that's why, and it's the most drama I will ever have in my life, seriously. I mean, I can say my life is happy go lucky blah blah, but why would I want to read about how my day went so well beacuse I had a perfectly toasted bagel. And I guess I realize that I have really high expectations, like I thought college was going to be this giant ephiphany type deal, yet it wasn't, and I am forever obsessed with MTV and it's 10 Spot. Everyone stresses no tv, yet it's brought us together. I refuse to do the whole drinking thing now, it's stupid, I feel like an ass, I spend exorburent amounts of money, I could potentially puke, and I really don't need some random guy god knows what, seriously, it's not for me, as for smoking, I just don't know about that yet, I think it was the whole appeal blah blah, and just shit, just random things, but I mean, I don't know, but all I gotta say, is for most people, smoking and drinking go hand in hand. One thing that has mos def been embedded in my mind, people have always told me that i'm so weak, and i'm so fat and blah blah, well there are other people worst then I am, and at I don't fucking cry over my grades like the whole population of dormers, seriously! I mean, yea it's great, you can express your feelings, but getting an 3.9 not a 4.0, it shouldn't be your whole life, or should it? I'm happy where I am now, I enjoy it, but it's the whole judgement always checking you the whole persona of what you're suppose to be type deal that gets to me, it's like people asking me about fashion only because they assume it's "ME," but you know what, as Snoop Dogg says, I just brush 'em off, I don't let them get to me that much, because in the end, I know who I am and they're still second guessing. I think the biggest thing is not failure on my part, but the failure of the image that college was perceived to me. Seriously, that is the one thing and it seems that in college, people are more judgemental, not outright spoken like in HS, but I mean, I can see it, and people are blatantly showing it through their actions this time, not their words like in HS. I don' t know what is better, I thought that there wouldn't be any judgemental type attitudes here, but I was wrong. It's just college is not what society perceives it to be, it's what you make of it, so cliche, but yet, so true.