No. 231

Is there something wrong with me? Mentally?

Okay, so my get a call, my girls wanna go out, i'm saying, nah-just wanna say home and chill. They're like cool, ttyl. I tell my mother, and she's like how dare you not go blah blah blah. Am I unsociable? I'm pretty social when I "on." I've got this fear that I have nothing to say or nothing to talk about with people, but it never happens, i'm on when i'm with new people, i'm like Barbara Walters-just more forward and I don't make people cry. So yea, is it weird, on Friday night, I enjoy staying at home watching tv and sitting on the couch? Some people are always complaining about not having anywhere to go and blah blah blah, but I enjoy being home, chilling as they say. I enjoy being by myself, I even get annoyed when Winnie the Pooh and I share my full bed. It's not like there's not enough room-but I rather Winnie sleep on the floor because I like that extra arm room. Is that weird or what? What am I gonna do when I marry, "sorry hun, I really enjoy sleeping by myself." my other half, "but baby, we have a king bed, yea I know, but there's another in the next room..." Great... ok and if my other half is a chronic snorer-oh are we gonna have some problems. Maybe I just don't want to go out because I feel gross today. Well i've got a headache and I refuse to take Tylenol for fear it will never do me any good when I take to much in my later years of life.

I also realized that I can't win and that's why I try so hard to win i.e. live life.

Ok, so there's this analogy thing or whatever someone wants to call it about how if a dog pushes a lever it gets a treat, but there's two examples. One is when the dog gets the treat after a certain time or number of pushes-so it's not fun anymore or something, but the other dog who continues to push it and never knows when the treat comes out of the little shoot always tries the hardest and is surprised. I think that's how I'm like and that is what makes me and maybe people live their lives the way they do. I complained while working saying I was too busy and didn't have any time, but then i'm not working and I don't know what to do with myself. It's like, wonderful, great, what am I gonna do. It's like I win and i'm not happy and I want more, if I lose, i'm not happy and I still want more. Wanting more is just a phrase- I actually don't know what I want, but I want it, it's like this thing, just like Fabolous on his BET special of "How I'm Living." He has a bread maker-do you thing the rapper is like, let me make bread then go to the studio, oh give me a break. I found myself recently gauking at the Olsen twins, MK and Ash as they known. It's so hip, it's so chic, they're so chic and hip too. I found peopel talking about Ugg boots, it's the ones that Jessica Simpson has been sporting on that camping trip and all those teen celebs, and I was thinking, OMG, I need some Ugg boots. They're literally like snow boots that people in Detroit wear, but for some reason, i'm like, I enjoy those giant clunky chunky boots and I'd love a pair. I don't wear boots at all, but i'm thinking, god, they'd look damn chic with a pair of jeans? What's wrong with me, it's like I see it on someone, and i'm like oh it's fab, but when I do it, i'm like I hate it, move on. I now know the complete insainty of me wanting things, god, it's sunk to a new level Ugg boots. I also found myself wanting Carson of Queer Eye fames lovely shirt that he wore to revamp the mono brow man. I also realized I enjoy mens clothing-it's so easy, so simplistic, so timeless, so chic. Women's clothing is horrendous. Either you're straight runaway and look fab or if you try to get knock offs you look like a hag. For women, they're not way to look great all the time because everyone makes bad decisions, but men, so much more easier. They just need pants, jeans, tees, shirts, sweaters and a jacket. There's no accessorizing. Their hair is their accessory. It's always so effortless, so easy when put together right, or they're kind of cute slobby-esque, but women, dear lord, I still remember that picture in People of Gwenyth with no makeup. Dear lord have I never been that terrified...off to await my Barbara Walters Osbourne special. I enjoy 20/20 and Green tea, i'm not old, I swear.