No. 126

When I lost hope I saw the light...

Yes, so i'm doing better. I lost a pound ( it's water weight and from the weekend), but hey, it's still weight, ok, I know, water retention, WHATEVER. Second, reading this book called Jemima J. It's simply fabo. Yes, about ugly ducklings and swans. First off, I gotta say that we're almost in the same shoes, yet I really don't have problems as she does with her appearance and lack of self esteem. Apparently in the plot, she loses 22 pounds in a month. Obviously that would be lovely, but I know that won't work, considering she abstained on side order veggies for lunch and veggies and some chicken for dinner. It's exactlly given me hope to eat the proper serving sizes of snack foods and also for me to eat more fruits and veggies. Not to mention that my acne medication is being reduced, so now my face has to rely more on MYSELF, which means the glowing effect is not easily substained with lack of hormones induced into myself. You know sometimes I wish I could be like Jemima J or like the countless girls who fast. I know I won't do bingeing and i'm not bulemic, but being aneroxicate don't seem that bad. You're just basically substaining yourself from food and hav strong wellpower, even though I know it won't work because then you only lose a few pounds. I need to lose weight and I gotta lose it. I've let three months go by with nothing, but better toned arms, I have three more months left. You know they saw that the first step to losing weight is hard, well, I gotta say the so called "plateau" IS DAMN KILLING ME AND HAS BEEN FOR SOME ODD YEARS, 2 to be exact. It's really pissing me off. Seriously, I'd love to look in the mirror one day and say, "damn, I look good and I know people know that too." I always say to myself that I look fine, when in reality I probably do, but not totally turn you're head and look in a good way. I just wanna look in the mirror and for once, not see rolls anywhere, I wanna look down when i'm sitting and just have nothing there you know. I know my abs are good, I mean for being flabby, they have muscle, i've got defintion, I just need to lose the weight so it's apparent. I've just turned my fat from my stomach into muscle, not very good muscle, but hey, it's stilll muscle.

Fat girls

I don't get my fat girls buy those shirts and pants that that say "hottie" on them. I also don't get the fact that they think they're damn good looking and choose to wear shirts that show they're flab? What is up with that? I also don't get the fact that they think they're so strong and better than every else because they're bigger then others, when clearly, fat is totally different from actual MUSCLE. I also don't get the fact how some fat girls all of a sudden stop eating they're candy bars and lose 10 pounds and it's that easy for them. Me, i'm still fat, yet I only eat three meals a day technically it should be filled with veggies and fruits-which they aren't, but still. This fat ones are still slobbing back the coke while i've been on diet pepsi my whole life, not to mention substaining from all known carcinogens. That's when I draw the line through, I AM going to drink coffee and coke. They're great, I love them, yet knowing they're horrible to my body has stopped me, but anyways, i'm already fat, so how could that influence me so much, seriously, is one can of diet coke or one grande frappa a la Starbucks going to kill me? Why do I set these high standards for basically shit, when it really doesn't matter and I overlook the big picture. It's just like in reading Sophie's World. It's this book about philosophy through time, I didn't remember I damn thing, but I could tell you that the dog was yellow even though it was mentioned once in the book, what is wrong with me?

Osbournes?

I missed the last episode and I tried to watch it again, IT'S NOT ON WHEN THEY SAY IT SHOULD BE ON. WHY WHY WHY. I can't watch it tonite, I might, but probably won't. I'm going to tape it.

UW RANT

So, i'm going to tour the campus tomorrow. This girl with a 3.6 1300 one AP class doesn't have a 7th period and lacked periods and dropped a class last year along with only one extra activity GETS IN, she even sends it in on the date while I sent mine in early? SERIOUSLY? PISS ME OFF. You wanna hear me as a student 3.78 1100 one AP class full schedule for all four years has four extra activitites and what, what huh, I'M STILL WAITING, IT'S REALLY PISSING ME OFF. I'm still waiting for that packet, where the hell is it? Seriously, if I ever get a chance to go into the office of admissions, i'm going to go in and ask where the fuck that thing is? Seriously, i've shown loyalty too, so what else do you want? I mean, I set it in early and also I gotta say that my essay was pretty damn good. It was about whole I realize that people aren't who they are, it's made me realize who my true friends are and how I realize the world is and not was through my experience of moving from a small town to a big city. What, do lots of people write about that? Seriously? Seriously, it's like all this shit I went through in high school and if I don't get in, then why didn't I stay the hell away from Bellevue, chilled with my girls in ML and actually had bonds that will last a lifetime, while I know that when I live high school, i'll never see any of these girls I know again unless she's getting gas at the same Chervon. It's true, everyone in big cities only care about themselves deep down and i'm telling you most would not bend over backwards for someone, maybe someone who had a bond for 10 years in school, but not some new friends you meet at a four year high school.