Ok, so blogger wouldn't let me post. Here's what I wrote before this time today.

No. 49

Ok, doing this in Business Law. I don't even care if I get caught. I feel like such an inconsiderate person. So, there's like 3 billion people trying to surive, literally, and i'm sitting in complaining again. I realized that I will never use the world fiance because Mr. Robinson, my Businses Law teach ruined it. I feel so odd. today, Jessica was all being nice, obviously not PMSing because she actually had the skills to say hi to me. For some reason, I'm actually thinking Kyle has been a really good friend unlike Alison. She finally told me about the whole UW fiasco. The only reason is that everyone has been to the UW, that's why she got in early.

Ok, Hawaii update. I'm totally mad, mad because i'm so stupid and can't see the turnout of the situation. I asked Dawn and I was thinking this is so great to go with all my homies. We had to desposit 150 bucks by Monday. I talk to Dawn and through a course of like an hour and a half on the phone and on the net, her parents call us and say, no she can't go. Not only because she has summer school possibly, they're afraid that she'll play to hard, that she won't be able to study. Well, just fuck me than huh? I'm so stupid, I mean her mom hates me. Partially because I'm taller, I get better grades and generally don't hang out with the wrong type of people, I stayed focus, and she can't stand that me and her actually have a good relationship and hang out and do some really cool stuff. It shows that we're having too much fun, so she's like, "no, she can't go to Hawaii." Also, last year she got to go to Austrilia, Hong Kong and my house. This year she is going to go to Thailand. She went to go skiining too, but all these things were with her family. they just can't see that we are happy. Another incident, my last day in Vanny one day, her mom wouldn't let us go to lunch, I had to go with my parents. Why? Beacuse she had to wait to print out something, and she didn't know what button to press. She said that she had to be there, not just tell her the button, so she couldn't go to lunch. The maid had to make her some crap to eat, and then we didn't spend our last hours together. I know, my point is, something so stupid, she doesn't put up a fight, and just lets people walk all over her. I don't get it, it's not like she has bad self-esteem issues or that she's totally insecure. The only thing I know is that she always wants people to validate her good works. Her dad totally does that, while my dad is the complete oppositie and dosen't even say Congratulations to my first college acceptance. It wasn't with Then I asked myself, why do I care if she goes, why am I so at odds with she's not going. It'll mean that i'll get a bed to my self with the ocean view and lei greeting. It shows that I don't need to worry about her in Hawaii. I realized the only reason why I want her there is beacuse she's family and if anything happens, she can either bail me out or I can totally blame it on her. Does that sound sellfish? I'm freaking about this, when half of the world is trying to survive. I know i'm not the fittest, though I may actually live longer if I didnt' have food since i'm slightly pudgier, but come no, seriously, wtf is wrong with me?

Also, I've realized that the majority is out to get grades in classes, I've finally realized that i'm out to learn. I don't care about my grades anymore. I try as hard or as much as I can, and when I get it back and it's graded, I dno't really care to look at it. I'm like, wow that's assignment's over, what's the next?

So, after this whole Hawaii fiasco, I asked myself do I really want to be that close to my parents. I mean, i'm going to watch them grow old. I don't like them growing old because it makes them incomptent. I'm not sure I can deal with it. I'm seriously wondering maybe I should go further, but the good daughter in my is saying that I should actually stay and do something even though we all know that the girl is not important. It even makes me wonder why Dawn puts up with all the shit that her parents give her. I mean, when she does something great, like eat an orange, her parents are all fawning over her. WTF? She doesn't have a sense of anything, at least she doesn't say it outloud. It's the problem with Canadians. She can't get contacts, even though the whole family tried to help her including relatives, she could have saved up the money and just bought them herself. She chooses not too, so I don't quite understand why? I mean, I really don't understand her thinking. It's as if all the family, all her work, everything is not connected and reaches no emotional value upon her. She doesn't squirm or hav mini hissy fits when she doesn't get what she wants. She just quits. Is it beacuse she doesn't think it's important enough? I don't quite understand, I mean you can pick you battles, but you think you would try to convince you're parents that you want to go on vacation with her cousin and friends.

Also, I realized that I'm not gonna go to Thailand. I was looking forward to it, but I know we're not and probably I don't want to spend it with Dawn and her family knowing her mom will say, she's having too much fun, let's lock her up. I mean who doesnt' want to do something good for their child. I don't understand, you give birth to this thing and now you want to want to hinder it's relationships with others. It's probably why it makes her antisocial sometimes and unable to say anything because of all the damage that her mother has enstilled upon her.

Goddess_333