No. 19

Ok, Maybe I've taken this whole guestbook things a little to far. It seems that whenever someone says something to me, I take it literally and dwell on it untill the end of time. You'd be amazed on how sometimes I just won't let something go, for instance I wanted to watch LL Cool J on this talk show at 4 PM on Monday about three years ago, I didn't watch it and now it is embedded in my mind. Ok, I was using MUA and apparently there was this whole misunderstanding and this lady wouldn't let it go. She wanted me to kill myself because to her, I had done something wrong. It's kinda scary, because I thought when I would be doing those MUA things and also this journal, I thought no one would get a hold of me. I mean, I thought it would be nice to read people's comments, but it seems that I'm alone in my thinking because everyone says the way i'm thinking is completely absurb and i'm some freak. It also makes me an enemy or something like i'm Osama Bin Laden. I thought this would be a great way for me to express all the things I'd never in my life say outloud. I don't really think my thoughts are really that horrible, I'd know a lot of examples about how some people's thoughts aren't that great, which is my opinion only. I also thought that it'd be nice to think intellectually and actually try to use at least half of my brain to the fullest capacity instead of going onto the internet and trying to find the best eyeshadow brush. I haven't found it by the way. I mean, I always thought there was something else in the world besides material things. I mean, I hate myself for being so materialistic, especially since I know i'll never reach the goal of enlightenment nor will anyone else who is buddhist nowadays. i also know that i'll never be reincarnated because whoever becomes me is going to be dysfunctional. It seems I thought I was pretty normal, but after reading all these comments about how odd I am, I think i really am dysfunctional. Maybe teens don't think about why our society is what it is and how it affects us. This would explain the reason why my cousin whose in college won't talk to me about anything except clothes and shopping. I feel like a failure because all my life, i've been in the middle. In ML, I was in the middle ground, had friends, but rarely hung out with them after school. Here, i'm in the middle ground, have friends, hardly hang out with them, i'd for once like to just chill with them whenever, but it won't happen. I'd thought I would use my time and after a referal of MUA, I thought it would be cool and join, well my voice their isn't being appreciated nor is it here. I just don't get it, people in school complain that I don't voice myself, when clearly no one listens to me, here I voice myself and everyone shoots me down for it. I realize that you can never win and it'll never be good enough, how did I come upon this fact. My dad basically says it to me, not verbally, but through his actions, this stems from what has happened in the past in the world. Oh, the whole (I tend to dwell) predjudice thing, if I have this view about them, why don't they change the way they act, so we don't have predjudice. How can people change their views about predjudices and move past it when it still occurs. I don't get it? Maybe, I'm missing a point or maybe I'm just blabbering because well I type really fast and that's why I can churn out these massive blogs. It seems like i'm dooming my future, because everyone says that your life totally changes when you get to college, I don't see it happening at all because I guess I realized what happens when moving and I take it as going to college type of ideal. I may be totally wrong, but I only see things changing in material items, I won't see my parents for 5 days instead only for the weekend. That's the only thing, because all the money I will spend will be my fathers, all the weekends will be at home, all the work I do will be for prepping for law school, all the friends I make will probably be close, but not to close just like now because I will have to go home to my parents, I'll still go to bed early because I need sleep, what else changes. I know no one will date me, yes i'm a true virgin, the only contact with a guy is when a friend hugged me. The reasons why are that i'm quiet, not pleasing to the eye, I'm chinese and there tends to be a lack of them because I don't think white people would or only an extreme number, the chinese people would have to be ABCs, because I the Chinese Chinese people smug me. I'm happy with that though, in a way i'm not because society paints the picture of a whole Friends/Gilmore Girls/Dawson's Creek type of life. My life is different, I know that I have to spend every second with my parents because that's what a good daughter does and also the fact that they are getting old. They probably won't see my first child being born or my marriage. They'll see me graduate though from both schools, but that's not good enough. My dad's still bitter because no one went to his graduation.