No. 71

I just read over my profile on MSN. God, do I sound like an idiot. Whatever, I don't really care. I must have been on something, god knows what.

I have a lot of topics of cover today. It seems that now I live to write in my diary. I see something good happen, and I'm secretly saying, "oohhhhh, great material for my journal." So, I keep saying diary, yet I feel like I should say journal or my LLL. I don't know, i'm really odd, does it really matter what I call the thing.

I went to do this Nolo thing. It's like TOLO, but we didn't go to Tolo, so it was called No-Lo. I just realized that the guys that we hang out with are complete idiots. Seriously, we went to dinner at this place called Rudy's. We're trying to find a spot. The guy runs after us and is still running while the car is moving. First of all, if I had ever seen that happen, i'd think that that person was a complete idiot not to mention dangerous and stupid. Not only could he have been damaged, some of the cars of have too, since he opened th door while it was moving and totally distracting the driver. Also, I realized that Miss Anime Freak is completely head over heels for this dude at the bowling alley who seemed to belong at a poetry reading. She notices any guy, any guy, this guy asked me what was the deal with the glowing middle pin. The deal is that if you get a strike, you win something. Miss Anime Freak comes up and all starts talking about what she presumes is the whole pin thing, when she starting saying something really weird. Then, she asks me what were talking about. DEAR GOD, then the freak starts talking to her and gets her digits. I'm like, god, HER. I'm happy for her though, at least she knows someone likes her. The deal is this though, i'm guessing the ony reason she was noticed is: A. She was wearing black, a skirt, and pants. B. She screamed so loud when she didn't missed pins, it really gave me a headache. C. She looked old, because she had this eye-liner thing around her eye type of mabober that was totally noticeable. She also gave out the phone number, and her parents are so paranoid that they never pick up the phone, they always let the machine pick up. If the guy calls and she gets in trouble, oh man, i'll be laughing my ass off. I'm glad though, I mean she's this girl who got accepted to UW, she now has given a boy digits. It's like the only two things going for her, I guess it makes up for all the years where she couldn't wear the coolest clothes or buy whatever she wants. It makes up for the lack of driving skills and places she can go. It doesn't make up for how she can't think for herself though.

Today, I weighed myself. Totally proud too, yes it's really not hard to lose weight, I mean when you're freaking out and having high blood pressure it is, but when you don't think about it and keep yourself busy, it's totally cool. Miss Anime Freak, for those of you who don't know what that stays her. She's that type of girl who tries to act Japanese because they're in love with Anime and usually they're virgins who can't think for themselves and front before everyone. Well, she wanted me to split something with her, at first I was totally offended, then she really did a nice thing though. I mean, if I had eaten that entire burger, it would have been like 1300 calories, and that would have killed me. The whole thing about sharing, is that I think she's cheap, but then again, she's doing something nice, because if I did eat the whole thing, i'd die. If I didn't eat the whole thing, some poor kid in a developing country would be still starving while i'm deliberately starving myself- which makes me feel bad. What made me mad though, was at the restaurant, we had this little birthday thing there, she wasn't even there when they sung Happy Birthday too her. It was so stupid, and she kept talking to all these other people. I'm like dude, go to their group then ok. Seriously, she hangs with us, because we're the only ones that will take her places, yet she finds someone else, and she's all over them.

I was just thinking about the rich. In reality, the rich come in different shapes and sizes. I mean, there's rich with class, rich without class, rich who don't care about money, trust fund babies, rich as in Palm Beach. I don't know why everyone is influated with the rich. They seem to live glamourous lives. I look at Britney, as in Spears. There was this VH1 thing on her, and it seems she's got it all, the body, the boyfriend, the career, the money, but would one person sacrifice everything, to be her. You'd have to sacrifice you're privacy, every step you make would be mocked, and knowing that at least half the population does not like you, and the people who like you only like you because A. You're hot B. You're fine C. Well, you know any of the above materialistic items. Knowing all that, and going to the bank, would that make you happy? I was thinking about that, I mean, I care about what others thing, and I'm pretty sure I can't deal with how the public looks at her. I'm pretty sure, there are people who go up to her and say, " Hey, you know what, you really suck and you don't deserve to be a singer." Imagine that, you think you're a pretty good singer and successful, but someone decides to ruin the moment. It's clear that she isn't a great singer and everyone mocks her, including Rolling Stones. For someone to be Britney, that person has to be really strong, that's why there's only one Britney and not 40 million of them. I'm pretty sure, no one could take the abuse of Britney. Also, everyone complains about how bad a role model Britney is. Remembering that she has this little sister who totally looks up to her. Britney is actually really good, considering the fact that she is someone completely different in her public life and in her private life. In private, she's totally nasally, in public, she's normal. That's just one thing. If everyone is concerned about her role model, why isn't Britney. After all, she has this sister, who probably when she grows up and see's Britney wearing something, she'll wear it too. Her mom will say no, and she say, "But MOM, Britney's wearing it." Tell me how someone is gonna deal with that, period.

I just realized someone totally tapered with my screen. It's totally odd looking and now it's giving me a headache. I fixed it, now it's better. I also realize my parents are so much more popular. My dad gets home on Friday. He gets three phone calls and one person visits him along with he has already made two plans for the month. Yes, just three days home and it's like a welcoming committee and everyone is waiting for him to arrive. When I get home, what do I do, catch up on my junk e-mail and my MTV. I feel like i'm more of a one on one person or either a homebody. I don't know why, but sometimes, I get so sick of dealing with groups. Maybe it's the group member, I have no idea.

I also realized that no matter what, we'll never make our parents happy. I mean, no matter what anyone says, that they want to make their parents proud, it's never going to happen. Dawn will never make her parents happy because for some reason she lacks the brain cells to manage her schedule. I don't know why, but it just happens. Jennie-O does the exact opposite from what her parents want. This brings to the matter of this, would you want to bring a child into the world who you know wasn't quite right, as in when you had the baby examined, you knew that that baby was going to be mentally retarded or deformed in any way. Would someone bring that child in, knowing that for the rest of that child's life, that child would get mocked, picked, and have to struggle to live on this earth. Especially in America, that child would have to through the struggles of society. Personally, I look at the people around me, and i'm pray literally that I don't have a stupid child. I don't want a brain child either, but that child has to get by with at least B's. I'm pretty sure my child would, but what if I gave birth to this child that was a complete opposite. Everything I wanted it to do, it'd do something else. I mean, I would say the basic, "I want my child to be happy." In reality, I'd be saying, why can't this freak be normal and more like me. I'm not even talkin about if I knew my child was going to be a list of things when you get an ultra sound, would I have it. I'd never do that, but if I knew it was deformed, I'd probably kill it. Yes, I'm so motherly, and all the people are now screaming down my neck saying how could you kill life. Well, i'm making it easier for all of us, knowing that that child will probably have some damaging effects to it's life, why would I want to submit someone to that knowing what I know. I mean, Dawn and Jennie-O are really decent, they're good people, it just seems that they have qualities that make people cringe. Then they're parents probably ask themselves, do I really deserve this thing? Did they're lives become so horrible that god has to give them that? Seriously, it's just like when I ask myself, "Did I really deserve to be fat?" I can rationalize it by saying yes, because when I was little was was extremely skinny and I was always spoiled without knowing it and so on. Then I look at myself and i'm saying, do I really deserve this, because I wasn't really fat by choice, it actually kind of happened. My mom actually brought it on, for some reason, when I was little, I just didn't eat and I didn't drink fluids. This led to me going to the hospital because I didn't drink enough water. Hospital food is horrible, really bad! After that bout of about a week in the hospital, I was completely starving, that led to years and yeras of just eating and not knowing when I was full. My mom never stopped me and I just ate, and it was bad eating considering when I was little, after swimming, i'd go to McDonalds. Then I look at my mom, and she is diabetic, why you might ask. It's because of me, because she had me when she was older, she became a diabetic. I look at my mom and then I look at me. I could never be her. I look at her and every day she has to stab herself with a needle twice because of me. Even with the best doctors, I know that she will die early, also because she's fat too. Because of me, she has to suffer. I may be completely heartless, but knowing i'd have to do that everyday for the rest of my life, i'd never have the kid. I'm just a wimp I guess. I often wonder why do all the nice people have just horrible problems, it is because when you experience it on earth, would won't go to Hades instead like the mean people who will go to Hades and do frivolous jobs for the rest of their lives? I don't know, but it seems life is so unaffair, even though these things we talk about, are completely unparallel to what some of the world has to go through. I feel stupid too, A. Because I can't write paragraphs that don't go off into tangents. B. Because unlike the developing countries, I deliberately not eat and and do weird things with materials that the developing countries would love to just see. Ok, that did not make sense, I'm saying that I feel bad because... I actually stop eating knowing i'll get fat and throw away things that anyone could have, but why do I do it, because i'm BORED with it and I need to ORGANIZE. I feel bad because all the above things, I could have given to someone else and let someone else have that moment of joy.

(P.S. I think i'm on crack considering that I'm thinking back to my journal, and it completely does not make sense. If I decide to edit it, i'll put a * next to the 71 do say that it's edited, if one choses to read it again.)

Goddess_333