Diary of Goddess: Life Lessons Learned

No. 328...some year later...

2008-09-13T21:47:00.000-07:00

Wow, its hard to believe that i've stopped blogging, we'll its not hard, since now "blogging" is considered a job, and not just a place for your thoughts...its almost if not a multi-million dollar business. But here I am, yet again, maybe I blog at my weakest moments and I don't tend to read it over again. I've had a good run this year, and have gone out literally every weekend, but this weekend, i've taken it slow, just hung out with some girlfriends, a dog, and a few movies and a pizza. I miss those days, but yet, you know either being at a bar or being at someone's house, being surrounded by people, I still feel lonely. This probably sounds incredibly stupid, but I think my happiest moments are when i'm lying in bed with someone and we're just talking, be it a girl, boy, whatever, and no i'm not polyamourous or at least I don't think I am, we don't even have to be touching, I prefer not to, but its the closeness, its the conversation, its the sense that we're almost at one with each other. Because yet again, I feel like no one is like myself. Some would say its a compliment, but I find it a curse. Not that I want everyone to be like me, god no, but you know sometimes i'd like people to understand where I come from, how I relate, my struggles, my insecurities, my issues...no one truly understands me, and I don't know if that is a gift or a curse. The irony of life, you've got all these great people who can give you certain bits and pieces of them, but no one to complete the whole...

No. 327

2007-10-22T15:21:00.001-07:00

I haven't wrote in a long time. Not because I have been incredibly busy, but I haven't felt the need. Now is the new.

So I just read this article about Randy Pausch of Carnegie Mellon University. A legitimate university and I take it that he was hired with a legitimate resume. One would hope and assume he is highly educated. With this education one could think they know know more about preventative than preemptive right? He has cancer? Pancreatic cancer...ok, being a good lawyer that I am, i'm in the assumption mode, so I will take my mind out of there. I don't know if he sees a doctor regularly. Is his doctor the top doc in the area. I don't know. I don't know how he got in that place. I would like to think that your doctor failed to notice this tumor in the appropriate time and you either failed to go to the doctor in the appropriate time or what have you. Let's just take it on that effect. No man that young with 5 year old children can have pancreatic cancer and die from it. Usually. but regardless, this isn't about that, but it's about what some of my peers were talking about. My peers have stated that the higher education you have the more willing you are to vote and want to get involved with how the government runs your life. They are, democratic, and damn proud of it. I would say they are conservative democrats because they haven't seen real democratic. Furthermore, they play into the game of being a democratic, which I find is hilarious when I look at their situations.

More so, do people really agree that if you have a higher level of education you are more willing to be educated about the government? Because I know plenty of people who don't have high educations and are into the things the government does. I also know lots of people with a high level of education that do too and I also know a lot of high level educated people who don't care deedly squat about the government and what they do. I have found that to be prevalent. There's two different types of educated people. Educated people who make money and make a lot of it where they can pay lobbyists to make up the government actors and the educated people who don't make money and are what we call hippies. I am talking about neither of these people. I'm talking about the ones that went to college, maybe some post work and make a decent amount of money, those are usually the non religious ones and could really care about the govt. Those people don't need to care about the government because they're life is just fine. They make enough money, have well balanced relationships, do not need god to protect them and feel that the government is just fine with the way it is, sure some may not feel that the war in iraq is good etc but it's not them that are going to change it. I love seeing people, who are poor, become poorer by going out to eat and not saving diligently, talk animately about how bush is horrible-when we all know regardless as a US country who is a great hegemon, a great ego, and a great capitalist society, and ag reat everything you want to think about would not retaliate, it's like saying, "u just hit my mother, but don't do that again." You know regardless of you're black, white, whatever, u'd still hit the guy and this isn't just about yo momma jokes. It's hilarious because they have wasted half their time instead of doing something else talk about something that they cannot change regardless. Even the next president knows that he can't just say, "we're out in 2 months that's in I don't care what people say." Also regardless of situation etc, politics isn't about looking at the past, looking at the fact pattern adn realizing that you've got a 30% chance of winning, it's really about passion about something, which these people have and so do others who run the government. Sure, passion can go aray and it sure has now, but it's like the ability of knowing you may have a chance, you still go for it. Everyone does, because you think you can be one step closer and you can make it until you come crashing down. Especially Americans, they think they're unstoppable, especially the rich ones, it's like how can you say no and how can you say you shouldn't do that and scold a bad child? It doesn't happen. But my peers reasoning of that if people were higher educated then they would be involved with the gov't and politics is absurd. They need to look at the environment, the nature of the people, what is their background etc. It's not like all people who earn doctor degrees are going to vote. Please.

Also, voting does not solve anything. Only a small part of the American population votes. They also vote thinking they will make a change. The candidates are so marginalized and catering to the center that it doesn't even matter who you vote for. And if they were all about government and the best of the people, they would realize that it's not about republican or democrat, it's about whose policies, which are essentially the same, but also who backs those policies, what are their resumes like, who works for them and their resumes. Honestly, such as Rice's resume centers largely around the Soviet Union...does that give her a edge on the Middle East and Asia...largely no. Would it be better if it were someone who was centered around those issues and knew more about them etc? Largely yes if you want correlation.

Also, people say republicans are bad, democrats are just as bad in terms of segregating and monopolizing their own interests etc. Also, Obama is a close cousin of what's his face and is basically the whitest black man I know...which makes him a keeper in terms of the republicans whilst the dems love him for all his democratic way...can I say marginalized and completed centered politically?

No. 326 Ponderance

2007-09-29T21:07:00.001-07:00

Today I ponder what my life is like...today I pondered and reminisced how no longer my 3rd aunt would be with us. As I passed a cemetery that had a large gathering of people paying respects, I had a silent moment for myself and my aunt. I pondered that my aunt would not be sitting in my car, though I dreamt that she would be, on my left side in the back seat, probably fallen asleep by now...once someone said that the Chinese were efficient sleepers, and they were right. I pondered the thought that my aunt would never get to see or even know that I went to law school. She probably knew I would make it, or maybe she didn't. But I could never visit her and tell her that yes, my dream had come true. In a way I felt that I had traded her for law school. Something that I may have been unwilling to do, why her, though she was the oldest, it still seemed so unfair, to see and to know that my family would never be the same. That no longer we would all come together. No longer would they all sit at one table talking about the old times. No longer would my third aunt be there. A significant time...that longer we would be seated as a whole family. For that I am sad. I am sad that my aunts and uncles have left a sister. I am sad that it took her death to realize how important family is. I am sad that she was not fully made aware of her significance until her death. For these things I am sadden, and I am unsure that trading a death for an opportunity was ever appropriate. For this I ponder, and forever remember.

No. 325 A turning point after 324...

2007-09-01T21:49:00.001-07:00

It's been a long time, but I didn't forget out my beloved blog, the blog that got me through it all...this blog I have to say is not coming to an end, sometimes I feel like such a douche writing in it, I feel that everything about me that is negative is in this blog, maybe I really am a negative person, or maybe I don't know, besides the fact that I cannot be that bad of a person or at least karma did not get to me because my ideal goal in life or rather my 'dream' was to become a lawyer, in which I was deathly close to not occurring, really close, too close for comfort, but I am, in fact, in a remote location going to school to "fight for justice" and when I mean "fight for justice," that is really just a glorified term to hopefully be a good lawyer that "aids" others in conflicts that they cannot solve themselves and hope to be at least rewarded in some way, preferably through monetary compensation...and i also realized if you are on the track to become a lawyer, that does not directly correlate to spelling things correctly as shown through my other classmates, or maybe at least I have a one up on them?

Dealing the bad hand...

2007-07-03T22:43:00.000-07:00

Why, why is it me, why, i'm starting to realize how my life is slowly becoming like Drew Barrymore's character on Never Been Kissed, except I will probably not get Michael Vartan...jesus, so now, after my debacle of my third aunt, no I have to tell her classmate, my second aunt on my mother's side, the one that for the year after her husband's death only worn black and white that my aunt has croaked because my mother can't call her since she's in Chicago and there is a time difference and she won't be able to call during the day as she is mega busy. Ok, I am the year of the rat... i'm extremely squirmy and I can easily cry, like I said before, I stopped watching Disney movies when I was in middle school past as I couldn't handle the sorrow that was accompanied with the movies-like I couldn't even hold it in and I am forever scared by Bambi-the first movie I saw in the theater. So anyways, I have to tell my aunt who is deadly afraid of dying, she freaks out and thinks she needs to call 911 because she had a nose bleed and the bleeding hasn't stopped after 2 minutes...jesus, and i'm suppose to tell her this...talk about appropriate huh? Honestly, while other people aren't even notified when we have an issue as we don't want to "disturb" them, but everyone can tell me what to do or not and don't worry about my feelings even though i'm probably the one that is so emotionally wrecked here, I mean at one point in my life I think I was "pondering" life too much and crying for 16 hours and just sleeping the rest of the 8 hours...and you're telling me I have to tell my 80 year old aunt that her classmate is dead...perfect for me...

No. 324-how ironic...

2007-07-02T22:21:00.000-07:00

Three stands for birth/life/youth
Two stands for ease/easy
Four stands for death

It is the last word that I write about today. I don't have any "dar" as in "gay dar" or "death dar." My premonitions come true, but it's never to myself, it's always to someone elses life...funny how life is...today, as I was sitting in my office with a co-worker eating our lunches. I decided to fast all morning. Partly do to my inability to get up and partly to be at one with my dying aunt because I knew she too had not eaten anything either, not because she wouldn't, but because she couldn't, in addition to my eating all the time over the weekend. I have many weaknesses and that was food, so by 2:20 when I had taken my lunch break, I really had to eat something. I always have backup food. Yogurt, pop-tarts, granola bars, jello pudding. Today, I choose to eat my jello chocolate pudding, not because it was something my aunt would have enjoyed, but because it was what I "wanted" as I was compelled to the company fridge. As I was thinking about how life was so ironic, how my aunt who had loved chocolate could not longer enjoy it, how money isn't worth anything anymore and couldn't help you through anything, especially in Canada where they give you free health care. As I enjoyed this pudding I thought back about this one time we all had lunch today. It was the lunch before my cousin's wedding. We had it at some ritzy hotel, a lunch buffet-I may even want to say it was Sunday, anyways, it was completely lost on my cousin (not the one getting married) and myself as we were too busy being obsessed about our MAC makeovers and Banana Republic dresses-we were I think in middle school-yes, who wears MAC and Banana Republic in middle school I don't know...but anyways, so as my cousin and I are sitting there and my aunt across from me, I realize this is just a joyous occasion. We found her nagging uncontrollable and the idea that she wanted to wear fur in mid summer ridiculous, but as I went through the buffet line and picked up that chocolate gauche cake for her, I thought nothing of it. May as well right, she's old and I can carry things easier than her. She was surprised I got it for her, needless to say, that was when her obsession with chocolate was made fully aware of mine and how she probably didn't have people do nice things for her often, and the fact that she loved sweet things-that relevation came when she ate my entire bottle of Canadian maple syrup-yes, all 6-8 oz of it during a week's trip at my house. I am glad I have happy memories of her, I am glad I didn't see her suffer as I had with previous deaths. It is always so hard and I always ask myself, why I am the one to share this moment with them, when it is meaningless,because I am not their son or daughter or their beloved brother. But today's moment of eating jello and my aunt's passing at the same time means so much to me, has so much subtext and context that no one will fully understand how different it will be when she's not sitting at the dinner table, or walking up the steps from her condo to sit by me in the car...even though she's always lean against me and fall asleep...I will forever miss you, and I still won't forget how you still call me fat and how you still wouldn't let me buy those glow sticks at that Leon concert, I'll never forget it, but i'll never forget you or the great times we had and I know you will not either.

My 489th post...

2007-06-27T19:53:00.000-07:00

Where is my sweet escape? Why did I ever do to deserve this. Yes, I am grateful for everything I have. Yes I am not living in somalia and living with $1 per month as my wages. I am lucky, I know I am, I like to push the envelope, I know I can do it, I just need that acceptance, that feeling that says, "yes we agree too..." and where is, will it ever come, what if it doesn't? I get why some things transpire, but why do these things happen to others and not me? What have they got that I don't? Oy vey...

No. 323 Death and the J-O-B

2007-04-03T19:11:00.000-07:00

Jesus christ, it's been how many months since my last posting, but you know what friend, you are always there for me, in fact the only one, and so I write today, and use to I write for an audience, but now I write for the internet, I write to have it there, to have it there so that I can breath, that I can be my own, that I can be what the world deems me to be again.

Two things, work and death.

Let's start with death first. In the past I wrote about how someone was dying and that their kin were these horrible people who could care less, but the person dying loved them. I have no say in that and it was stupid of me to let myself get involved. I could care less, as long as the person dying thought it was ok, then why should I bother to think that your two pieces of shit are good people. Whatever, the point is this though, I ask myself, why can I not be emotionaless. Why can I be the pillar of strength-well I know why because no one looks up to me, but why can I just stand there as a person who is dying and just be there, why do I have to be on the verge of tears all the time? It really sucks. It's like why can I remove myself from life from the issue and just transcend into another place? Why? Why do I have to be all moppy and sad, and I mean no, i'm not sad that you are dying because I think you and I would both agree that you led a good life. I won't be sad for that. I won't be sad if I don't see you before you die because of two things:

1. You know and I know that I am not your favorite or will ever register to be one of your favorites. Remember, I am the daughter of the second son, someone completely irrevelant in the history of our family.
2. There are many personal attributes that you are digusted with because you parlay into the stereotypes like let me just give you an example, "fat people are lazy" therefore that is what you think I am.
3. I have realized that I cannot try to be what you want because I will never win. No matter what car I drive or what I do, it will never be good enough. And it's ok, because I don't have to prove anything to you because you meant nothing to me besides someone who was the first daughter of the family.

The thing i'm really sad about is this kind of signals the end of an era when slowly people start to die off. That really gets me. It's like I see the bigger picture and instead of being the hard ass I should be I cry and wilt like a little baby tulip that was smashed by the neighbor's dog. Honestly, it's like I tell myself, "pull your fucking self togther bitch you cannot do this to yourself or others." Oh also, it's good to be emotionaless because this is what Asians should be, but I am not:

1. We should be emotionaless because asians don't cry unless you are weak ever.
2. Asians should be smart but i'm on that borderline reject area, as in, i'm not smart, I just work hard and sometimes that isn't good enough you know despite what everyone tells you.

Also little known things that Asians thing, ok, more specific, Chinese people, or the ones that say they are quite "liberal" but really they're conservative...

1. So you aren't suppose to be emotionaless right, you also aren't suppose to like anyone of the same sex. I.E. there is no such thing as lesbians or gays because they only happen in sitcoms like Will and Grace. Ok, i'm not neither, but yea, I mean if I was, id' just have to pull a popstar Leslie because that's the only way out of a Chinese society.
2. There's no such thing as divorce because Chinese people don't get divorced EVER, and if they do, they are automatically the black sheep and it's a wonder how they survive without suicidal tendencies and if in the future you have money to compensate for the horrible thing you have done by divorcing, it still wont' be enough because yes, money is king, but that still doesn't excuse "divorce."

But whatever, my main issue with death or maybe issues is that why can't I take some sort of drug that numbs me, dumbs me down, I don't even care that I am stupid, I just want to feel nothing, I just want to feel monotone and like completely impartial. I want to be impartial to it all and it kind of makes me feel like would I be good in a certain profession because I care so much, I mean I care a lot, to the point where it's like it doesn't even fucking matter to you, it's like, why can't I just do my job with impartiality and live life that way too. Honestly, i'm not even sure?

Second, my job:

Ok, so upon a series of issues I was hinted that I should do the following:

1. Learn how to be honest when it counts and when it does not?
-I'm not even sure I know what this means, so it either means i'm way too honest and I shouldn't be because i'm pretty sure it doesn't mean "don't be honest" because yes, I think I am way too honest to some people, and they don't like to hear it, I guess that's a fault of mine. So yes, I will have to work to be unhonest and basically trick people in thinking they are getting their way, but am not...I don't even know what to say to this issue because the fact that I have to play a game, and that is life and I think it's beating me right now, so instead of being "honest" I really need to look at my best personal interest and work from there.

2. I also have to stop saying "I don't know" to people that are 30-35 years my senior, some collecting social security because in their 30-35 years of their job they still don't know what to do even though they do it every signal day and in fact it is my responsibility to have the answers. It's fucking bull shit but you know what, I will do it because I am a good person and probably i'm too "honest" in saying "I dno't know" and following it up with "I can find out for you" but apparently that is never good enough, so I guess this parlays into the honesty issue and that I should bull shit my way out of it and have a great answer people are happy with and then work from there. This is my note to self.

3. I should always look busy even when I dno't, so sorry that I am way too organized and sorry that I type 100 words per minute and I am sorry that it takes me 30 minutes to do something that it takes you 2 hours to too. I'm sorry i'm all about time management and stupid shit like that because it apparently got me no where and you sit in a corner office. So sorry, did I also mention that in that 30 minutes that I do something I dno't make that many mistakes and I still checked my work. Yea, apparently that is not good enough because it's suppose to take me 2 hours to do something, i'm suppose to only type 40 words per minute and i'm suppose to use the additional 1 hour to check my mother fucking work.

This is what I plan to do about this shit:

1. I am not going to be honest and I will not do things to benefit the customer, but myself and learn how to manuever the customer into thinking that they got the best response. Yes, I said it and that's how the game is played and this is how I am going to play it.

2. I'm not going to say I Don't know, and in fact, i'll just say, "ooo, let me find out for you and run away" that's what I am going to do. Because if you ask me and I don't know, I'll give you a b.s. something issue that makes you think I answered your question, but I really didn't and walk away. I think that's what my last person was so good at. He was good at the bs and that's what got him so far. I need to learn that because like I said, hard work isn't always rewarded.

3. I am also just going to do things slower and be counter productive because apparently I am too productive. Yes, the irony of life.

4. Also, it's about presenting yourself as someone said and how someone perceives you. You can also change how someone perceives you like a flip of a dime or whatever. I don't believe that, but you know what, no more this bull shit. I am either going to a. make you hate me b. make you respect me. or c. still make you think of me the same. This is my route, I am going to give you the runaround all the time and give you the impartial answer that leads to your own decision. I will wear wahtever I fucking want now including $125 shirts and yes, i'll even have $1,000 worth of jewelry, why, because I can and because I am going to. I don't fucking care anymore to "be your friend." That time is over. I am doing this for myself and only myself becuase in the end there is no team, there is no family, there is no organization, there is no business, there is only me and I need to hink about "Me" first because no one else is but myself.

5. Some people think I am way too truthful and some people don't even know who I am and what I do and what is going to happen in the future, but for them, ignorance is bluss and that is all they need to know. Period. Also, they will survive without me, maybe their life will be harder, but tough luck, honestly, I could care less because no one is watching out for myself except myself and I cannot watch out for others anymore when I can't even swim with my head above water.

So yes, those are my "resolutions."

1. Don't be honest.
2. Give you b.s.
3. Flaunt it if you got it.
4. Be counterproductive.

I think the person giving me these constructive hints maint otherwise, but that's basically how i'm taking it from the above 4 points and maybe I'll suceed in this shrewd world. It's like I was meant to be with Aids infected kids in Niger giving them porridge.

Fuck that people, life is a game and I just realized I'm losing...time to gain the upper hand, it's like that gave where you clasp hands and like try to see who is stronger by knocking someone else's hand down on the table. Yea, and how, I know the bull shit some people try to place the blame on me, and you know what, I'm going to be nice when it counts-always, and cunning when you least suspect it, you better watch out and if I never get my chance, then you got fucking lucky people and you better go pray to yourselves to make you think that you belong somewhere.

Also, no, this is not a bitter take on the world, it is reality and I am the stupid one for not seeing this. I am the one that is too good, too honest, too nice, too hardworking for this shit because I don't get rewarded. And the only bonus in my life is thinking about how these peoples lives have panned out and what certain karamic things happen to them.

God I sound like a hardass and you know what, even after my what, 7 years of blogging, I am still the mother fucking same person except a. I swear more sometimes and b. I think i'm a tad more emotional when it should not count.

No. 322 Oh Jenny, I haven't seen you around the block.

2007-01-12T20:19:00.000-08:00

The first blog of the new year, and what am I doing?

I didn't even think about resolutions this year because they're stupid and don't apply to me, just like religion. I don't go for that shit, unless you mean religious towards myself-that I am. So, here I am, listening to old school J. Lo because I can't even handle her "Rebirth" album and pondering why can't I enjoy living a more floral life? Maybe it's time I indulged, I saw this article in Glamour about how if you buy a expensive handbag it won't kill you and you should indulge...does that apply to me though? I look at my cousin whose very indulgent and somewhat strapped for cash, so am I, besides the fact that i'm never overdrawn and some can argue that i'm in a top 25% bracket, I don't know, spending an indulgement amount on a bag seems too indulgent-am I even spelling this right-and i'm a college grad-there's no spell check on this thing? Anyways, I look at Jenny from the block whose wind down on her glamoursity, but honestly, sometimes I think i'm really over the top and no I don't need the sunglasses in two colors-black and brown, but sometimes I feel like I deserve this shit and should be indulging in whatever I want because I have issues? Does that make sense? Ugh I don't even know anymore...

No. 320 I ask you...

2006-12-29T19:16:00.000-08:00

I ask you why people think that they have money that it entitles them to something and I ask them what makes a country so great, when a trial is purely for show?

I work in this environment, in which on top customer has the highest lump sum of a certain something, which they feel entitles them to certain privilges and for things to get done faster. I ask you this, I have 20 dollars, I am willing to pay that 20 for my coffee at Starbucks immediately-will I get it no, you have to wait in line, are you a celebrity, you still have to wait, just not as long, but you still have to wait if it's busy. No one can make a coffee that fast, you still have to wait for the milk to create foam etc. I have processes I must go through before I give you the completed piece of work, and yes, sometimes you do get to jump the line since it's a "rush" but there is still a line and you still have to wait. Nothing is instant. Do you believe that people with money get their power on first? No, it doesn't work that way, in America, money does not talk, you can't do anything you want because you have money. Can I drive 80 miles an hour on a 25 zone-yes I can, until I get caught, and if I have money, sure I can post bail etc, but I still have a record, can I buy off that record-hell to the no as Whitney Houston says. No, in America, money doesn't make you the better person, especially since that money isn't yours, and is just a holding place for other people's money. You probably lead a difficult life and you deserve it. You deserve everything you get, and for the record, in America, money is not the end all or the be all.

Second, Saddam Hussein is dead, an execution by hanging on Saturday-Iraqi time. You know I ask myself, he deserved to die, probably a violent death if such, strike the probable, we know that he tortured many man ypeople etc etc etc, and we're making as in USA is making a statement about him. my question is yes, it was civil to have a trial though it was pureply for show and probably going to be in the history books, but what is the best way to punish someone so evil? Make them live a miserable life in jail-why bother, our tax dollars aren't going to pay for that and no, he shouldn't get a tv in his cell. Do we execute him-sure that's the just and right way as seen by many, but isn't it a cop out, I mean the ultimate punishment would be to torture him inhumanely until he dies right? That's the ultimate punishment as he had done onto others? But we can't right, the US is a humane and just country and we abide by certain policies and laws, so maybe Saddam got the cop out, he got the easy way out, because i'm sure if the oppositiion got a hold of him other then the USA and tortured him to death-then that would feel just right, just in the sense that he felt the pain of only one person he killed upon many thousands? Sometimes life makes no sense-sometimes the cop out is mentally more draining upon the do gooder then the wrecker of havoc...

No. 319 Sometimes I ask myself again...

2006-12-25T21:43:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I ask myself why I blog and sometimes I don't. It's like therapy for me, besides the fact that I don't pay someone 200 bucks to listen to me ramble on and judge me. Instead, complete strangers judge me and walk away from their computer. Anyways, so my point is, sometimes I ask myself a la SJP what am I doing and what are some people thinking about. Use to, SJP's mindless ramble on SATC about how guys are like or aren't like handbags and whatever stupid and idiotic and I Just never paid attention, I focused on the hot clothes, the ridculous clothes and the hot boys and the ones that break up with you on a post it. But so I ask myself as someone was asking me "do you really need that" referring to the item I was pondering. Jesus fucking christ whill Buddha just come over here and bring me to the temple, because honestly, I don't think that person has the right to ask me that considering he buys $15,000USD watches and an obscenely priced item that moves you from place to place, not to mention his own area filled with stuff that when someone asks "do you really need that" the chances are no, because you don't have to drink a 50 dollar bottle of wine when guests come or eat filet mignon, god, sometimes I ask myself how can you say that stuff, especially in a family that is extravagant, because, no, I don't have to shop at the gap, I can buy my clothes for 5.99 at Wal-Mart and no, I don't need at least 3 weeks of underwear, I could do with a week, or even 4 days if I was cheap, or you know what, I don't need underwear-do you need underwear, no, I don't need a watch because I can ask people the time, and no, we don't need our native language, or cable, or caller id, or a computer, or a fast internet because we can go to the library, god, sometimes I ask myself why do you say those things and why do people need to ask themselves "do they really need this" because i'm sure anyone will have to say no, unless well you get my point. Honestly our world is excessive and that's that, because no I don't need a ponytail to put up my hair, I can use a rubberband or you know what, nothing at all because why do I need to have my hair up-to keep it out of my eyes-sure I can just hold it away from my eyes, honestly, I swear, that phrase is so stupid and meaningless, and no sir, you should not be asking me if I really need that especially when you're standing in like at least five digits worth of consumer goods, it don't work that way buddy.

No. 318 Sometimes I ask myself?

2006-12-24T16:49:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I ask myself what I did to deserve all this? Usually it's good things, but obviously it must be horrible because some how all these bad things happen to me... for instance:

1. I got a bad haircut, it was awful and now I vowed never go to to him again.
2. I lost power and lost cable for days and nights causing us to live in a hotel and to to mention the stress and anxiety that was put upon me because we didn't have heat and someone is cheap.
3. I don't have a Christmas gift, I really don't from my parents, I usually pick something out each year, it didn't happen this year.
4. I had someone yell at me because I micromanaged them? Fuck you bitch.
5. Someone told me I didn't get them a gift last year, fuck you too bitch.
6. Someone said my tree is fake, at least I can put it in the stand girlfriend.
7. I got this wicked paper cut-I never get papercuts. I still have the scar.

What has happened, did I watch that Lindsay Lohan movie, Just My Luck and I too had someone suck all the luck out of me, besides the fact that no, I don't just play those scratch off games and win 100 bucks and no I didn't have some hot boy kiss me therefore sucking the luck out of me. Speaking of hot boys, my mom tried to discourage me from marrying, look lady, at some 22 years old girl without a serious boyfriend ever, it's looking slim too bitch, so whatever you are thinking...

Anyways, why, why do we sometimes feel so blessed and lucky, and sometimes, like this time, I feel like the black sheep, like I broke a mirror, opened an umbrella inside, and crossed paths with a black cat? Why me?

If I ever see you again...

2006-12-20T18:56:00.000-08:00

So my area has been fighting this wicked windstorm and we're just cleaning up. Lots of people have had to some how get through the cold, some choose to go to a hotel, we did at the realization that our 4th night in a 40 some degree house was unfeasible. So i'm at the hotel, during the morning there is a continental breakfast-not bad, so i'm making myself a waffle on those rotating waffle machines, this lady, she's like 20 something-those outdoorsy ones that wear helly hansen not northface and like hiking boots opens my waffle maker, so I say oh that's mine, not in a mean way, but like "hello, you shouldn't be touching other people's stuff..." so then she uses the other one, it says to stir the batter, she looks at it disgusted, I don't say anything, she takes a while to stir it, fine whatever, then she pours it in and doesn't rotate it, it starts to beep, I tell her, "oh, you're suppose to rotate it" and she thinks, and at the same time the lady handling the breakfast comes over to assist her-because yea, some people don't know what to do ok, it's a very known fact, so she then parks off to me, "I don't like to be micromanaged by strangers" and I was so stunned I was like, "sorry" but you know what, if I found out where she lived, I would ask the local electricity company to tell them that that area is a low priority and don't bother fixing it, karma is karma though so I hope she gets what she deserves, that was awful, and if I ever see that fucking bitch again, believe you me I will make your day miserable you pathetic woman who make other women look bad, and then when I go to leave she gets up and does a little "oh semi smile, and I look at her like, "if you ever want to fuck with me bitch, you better grab a shovel, because you better start digging bitch." Yea, she was evil and you know what, I know karma comes to people, I mean, sure if you were pissed that I told you to rotate the waffle maker, just say, "YEA I KNOW!" and like move on, but she was all snooty like "I don't appreciate being micromanaged by strangers" and you know what, I hope you are micromanaged by strangers and I hope you get poorer by living in that miserable hotel etc. She was such a bitch and i've never encountered someone that awful and she wasn't even a WASP, like sure, maybe if you were Donald Trump and said that, I mean i'd be like fine asshole, but I mean, you looked like you needed assistance since you opened my fucking waffle maker, didn't know to stir the batter and didn't rotate the waffle iron, but whatever, one day, I hope you burn you hand on that waffle maker ot teach you a lesson you miserable piece of shit. I highly doubt you will be reading this, but just know that one day, you will get what is coming to you if it's not by me because I doubt we run in the same circles, and when that occurs, you will be miserable as I will smile sweetly in my sleep.

Second person that pissed me off. Yes, I am annoyed with you because you always throw in that mumbo jumbo of reg E and ucc-4 and blah blah blah, I see you watch tv in the lobby, read the newspaper in the lobby, then read the newspaper in our company's lobby, then have a newspaper in your office, sure I don't care if you don't have anything to do, but when i ask you to do something as you are teh head and you have to cover for your people, you say I don't know, she's on vacation, I don't know what to do-that' doesn't help me or anyone else fucker, it also doesn't help that I see you talk to the security guard, I see you also go down to the garage and you aren't leaving for lunch, not that I micromanage, but when it's deadline and I still can't find you for something that you are taking care of, yea, I get annoyed, and then I see you, reading the newspaper again and ask you about something, you don't want to talk to me in the public lobby and want to go behind closed doors, yea, whatever asshole, and know that your ass is grass because your department is sending out the cash but isn't receiving anything in, beware because you soon may have to be looking for another job, and I hope you do, because you're miserable to talk to and you don't get anything done, especially on deadline, at least for me, and you come over to ask stupid questions all the time, and how old are you, older then me, you should know, especially if you quote that compliance bullshit.

People are really pissing me off, honestly, not to mention some people who don't charge some customers and then charge some customers fees on top of fees even when the company's system has decided not to do it, whatever, that's why I understand why some people are mean to them, why some people have bad things happen to them, I get it now, I really do.

No. 317 Normalcy

2006-11-06T22:29:00.000-08:00

Ok, so lately I have been pondering what is normal. I hear people say "normal" all the time. Not to mention that I have this strange affinity towards Akon-this guy who sounds like a Jamacian yolder, I don't get it either, but anyways, I find his song about the Lambo Murcilago? very catchy. I also have come to the relevation that I can't buy any car that I can't pronounce or spell, aka the Lambo, god, how insane would it be if I drove a Lambo, I probably wouldn't either because I can't drive stick and can barely figure out that automatic/manual shift thing on the car, whatever, I don't car, as long as it has a drive, park, and reverse, I think i'm fine, who even cares about neutral-honestly? Who stays in neutral?

You know I realized the sense that I feel like i'm entitled comes from the American point of view that all of us are entitled to something. Maybe we're less elitist then the English, but I find myself always say i'm entitled to something, I am dammit, but also, I mean when you think about it, I was reading this article in the Times about Baby Einstein vs. Barbie and how Barbie always wins out, regardless of how well people think Baby Einstein sells to the elitist middle class who cherish classical music in the womb. They say only 1 in 20 kids are Nannied and blah blah blah and that we're really more realistic, but the market caters to the upper middle when it's really the middle to lower middle that is the consumption class.

I don't know, maybe what i'm getting at is that I won't evern not feel alone, and I won't ever not feel normal, and I won't ever feel like there's something just like me in the world, because maybe I have to realize that no one has these neurosis like I do, no one knows what it's like to be, because no one is me.

Leading to my other point, I wonder how much normal my life would be, how much of a caring person I would be, how much of like a low key level headed person I would be if I went to church, like If I prayed to god other then the times where I think i'm dying because I came down with a sudden cold that rendered me with chills or the fact that I pray that I hope the Louis Vuitton prices won't increase until I get my speedy, I don't know, it's so vain I know, but maybe if I went to church and wore like church appropriate wear and hung out afterwards with the rest of the kids drinking punch I would be normal. The fact is that i'm never going to church, i'm never going to worship the alter of Buddhism either, I really htink church and religion is for suckers, it's honestly for people who have no path in life or want to have a guiding light, somethign I don't believe in, because no one fucking guides you except yourself and your own stupidity, and I realize, ok, most people go to church so they can find a nice church girl or like socialize with people, that's so stupid, you're suppose to be next go god, nto socializing about how has the newest church dress and whose wearing black underwear or no underwear underneath. Sure, I know church helps lots of people, I get it, I see what it does, but it just doesn't work for me. It's like that saying that studies show the more educated or the more money you have, the less likely you are to spend time in church, I think that applies to me, because you know what, God hasn't done anything for me, you know how has though, my family, and that's where I own, and yes, God did put me on this earth-some say, but they also served to erradicate me as well, how did I survive, it wasn't faith, that's for sure, it was this thing that people follow just as religiously-cash, cold hard cash, all cash always, some people don't need credit, why, because they have cash and as my mother says, "cash is always king," so the saga continues, normalacy, I balk at that...HA!

No. 316 I know i'm right damn it!

2006-10-06T19:32:00.000-07:00

Ok, this may sound stupid and completely irrelevant, but it makes so much fucking sense to me. So, today, I had an issue, the one person that can sign something for me did not want to. I needed her approval. Fine, don't sign it, I didn't care less, in fact, whatever, it's not a big deal, but like I found myself trying to convince her, adamantly, for some vip client, and I realized, wahtever, I talk to her she still won't budge, why am I doing this. She knew it too, she knew that I was right, but she didn't want to take the .0000001 risk even though she's employeed at will. Meaning they can fire you for a reason or no reason at all. Yea, if they want to fire you, they say you took a pen home-which is against company policy or that you're not up to dress code or that you use your cell phone in the office which is tacky or that you don't lock your computer when you are away from your desk or that you leave a messy desk or that you leave client stuff out when away from your desk, even to make a photo copy or that your signature varies and is indelible or that you have typos in emails etc, there is so much shit they can fire you for. Come on man. Ok, back to the story, That's fine, she won't sign it, but the fact was like, "look lady, if you don't sign it, what do you want me to do with it, because there has to be a response, I can't just like shove it under the carpet and pray no one will know..." Because she just always says, "I won't sign it" and it's like, that doesn't make my job easier lady? Come on, man, but yes, it gets to me, because after this, she failed to sign even if I fight for it-why do I fight for it-human nature. The customer of course gives her flack, yea thank god the customer knew better not to yell at me, it was out of my authority, I couldn't do anything for her, but she feels bad, so instead of doing her job and not signing, which takes her even less time, she dwells, she attempts to fix it-it's futile, you didn't sign, there's nothing you can do, you have to wait for the other people to fix it, but she's like, oh can we this and can we that, and I realize why she does overtime all the time, because she spent a good 2-3 hours on this issue when she either should have just signed-easy way out, but could potentially backfire, though it hasn't the last 100 times the other lady did it and moved on or either not sign and just wait for another response. No though, that's why she does overtime and no she doesn't get paid extra for that either. Whatever, honestly, I don't freaking care anymore. Also, I think of the customer, the english isn't impeccable, she doesn't know what she's talking, and we're holding the thing she wants and the customer has a deadline, i'd be pissed too, especially since the customer knows she's vip and always has been with us etc. Whatever, though, it just rolls off my back because it just means I can do less.

But I did realize this though, I realize that I can't do a job where you try to hustle people, like you have to bow down to them and attempt to do whatever they fucking want, kow-tow to them if you will. No, I fucking won't, I'll be nice to you if you are nice to me, and if you fuck with me, you don't get any special treatment, I don't care. You scratch my back and I scratch yours. Also that's probably why I realize my next job where i'll be stating facts/opinions for someone, but having a third party make the decision, I think that will be the best. I mean, I don't want to try to hock something when I know that I am right, and they know they are wrong, you're not suppose to do it, but you should, because it's a nice thing to do. Like, you know you don't have to give people the right away, as in if someone wants in your lane, you know what, you don't have to give them space to get in, in fact, you can flip them off, lay on your horn, and tell them "fuck you" while you pass them. Sure, they say left yields to right, but what if you're in the right lane and a car from the left comes in. You can totally do that, and that's what she does, but in that kow-tow nice way telling the customer it's all legality, when in fact that the company has done it all the time, because why do they come to us, because we see what's going on and you know what, we trust the customer, so we do these little things just to make their lives easier. But for me, that only extends to nice people, because if you're mean to me, you don't get special services, honestly, I don't care how much you're worth etc, it doesn't even register to me. I tell her that, as in oh this client it's ok to hold, he's mean anyways. And she's like, "WOW, YOU'RE MEAN, that's not nice" in the laughing way, and I was like, look buddy, he can wait all the damn time he wants, but this other customer, I know she's legit and it makes me kind of sad that she won't get her items because she's good for it. But yes, I realized that my future job or future jobs a head, I cannot be bowing down to my client, it's not going to work. I also have that mentality probably because I don't need them, I really don't, and i'm damn lucky that way, they need me more then I need them, and if they want me to kow-tow, they better find someone else. I find it sick what some people do, and I realize, you'll get no were you know, you are still beneath them, no matter how much you accomodate them, you aren't one of them. No matter how successful you feel, no matter how great you think you look, you aren't one of them, you will never be on the same level as them. As elitist as it sounds, some people are born on a certain level, while others can aspire all they want, but it won't happen. You'll still be beneath them. Whatever, but I also realize when i'm right and state my case, even if they object, i'm not even going to fight it anymore, it's futile and stupid, it's like I guess the nice thing to do on behalf of the customer, but I realize, it gets me no were and when people make up their mind they just already have. There's nothing you can do, that's also another reason why you should all choose your customers. That is important too, but I realize some people are truly stupid, maybe they didn't graduate from college, etc, but I realize that it's kind of sad, since what, you're at least 30-40ish and I just now realize that your common sense isn't there...it's kind of sad and definitely makes me motivated to go back and get more schooling etc...Instead, the replace common sense with "i don't want to get fired" while that is a stupid way of thinking, why, because I know that if you were late to your job, you'd be fired, if you this or if you that you could be fired. It's really stupid when some people get fired and most times you cannot sue because the company always wins, it's sad to say, but cash is king and I believe most companies have more cash then their regular employee. That's probably why I like my job and i'm not scared of being fired, why, because it's at will, and if they want to fire me, then go ahead because i'm a great worker and if they can't see it, then someone else can, and also, getting fired is teh easiest. Honestly, I mean, you could misspell or have a messy desk that that'd be the end of you. Whatever I tell you. Also, as a corporation knows, its hard to hire, they don't want to fire unless they have to. Also, if you get fired you get fired, it was probably a long time coming, honestly, and you can't fight it unless they say something discriminating against you, which will be hard to prove anyways since it's verbal and probably not on paper, no matter how many eye witnesses you have, unless it's like a class action case, in which you may have some credibility. Sign...whatever, honestly, i'm not fighting, when they say pick your battles, I now know what it means and i'm all about efficiency.

No. 316 God Damn Man?!?!

2006-10-04T18:29:00.000-07:00

Ok,

So at work there was this man, who is of a particular ethnic background in which everyone is suppose to bow to him and it's all about power relationships. Anyways, he comes into my place of work where he has to sign some paperwork. We bend over backwards for him, he's not suppose to be doing something, we make it ok and we compromise, even though we don't do it for anyone, but here's my rant, so his fucking name is 8 letter total, complete, as in 4 for his first and 4 for his last, and he scribbles it, it's not even like he cursive rights it, you can't even tell that it's his name in teh end, it just looks like the first letter and scribble, what is the big fucking deal, so he has to sign some documents, three in all. I ask him, "can you print your name too" and he like baulks at me implying, "no, he can't fucking print is 8 letter name because he's too damn important" so i'm like ok fine, whatever, if auditors come and get me i don't fucking care, i'm "at will" anyways, also, he made it such a big deal for this one step that is crucial, but apparently he is saying no, it's in form of contacting him verbally, because from where he's from, one of the top 10 GNP producers, he says it takes 7.50 to call us and won't do it unless we pay for that too, um, has the man ever heard of an international cell phone or like one of those plans, come on, he conducts business all over the world he says, but he like doesn't have an international cell phone or just like call, even though he can send you things eletronically, whatever, god, some people are such idiots and he's like a prime candidate to have his identity stolen I tell you, some people...

No. 315 Where are all the flowers?

2006-09-30T18:34:00.000-07:00

Ok, so i'm in my room, with headphones on, listening to John Mayer, all being sappy and sentimental and sads, whatever, it's gloomy outside, I slept for a long long time, and where are the flowers, outside in the living room, two sets, yea, ultra luxurious right, well apparently, not me, but other people have taken flowers out of the lobby of my building, yes, I witnessed this, they like take the whole thing out, these giant bouquets and put them into plastic bags and haul them to their car-um, what the hell, though a good idea though, it sure saves time arranging, something that I have never mastered, yea, I just don't get it and honestly I have better things to do with my time instead of being in a stark room with colorful flowers deciding where they should go in a vase, whatever, obviously i'm not being a florist, and yea, sure some people might find it gratifying, but I don't, especially if they're in public and for everyone and someone just takes them, short of the vase, ugh whatever.

But yea, so I don't know what i'm suppose to do today, my instincts should be to go hang out with my friends, but people are coming over, and it kind of breaks my heart, because I hear my dad laughing and talking, and he hasn't laughed like that since a really long time, not in that sense that he is miserable and in suffering in pain, but the fact that the last time I remembered him laughing like that was with his brother, who now doesn't have the time of day to talk to him, not in that horrible way, that they aren't talking, but in that sense that their lives aren't on the same page anymore, it kind of breaks my heart since I mean, they live relatively close etc, but whatever, our family wasn't one of those families that got together adn totally just hung out and chilled like in The Family Stone regardless of who was gay and who wasn't and who had issues and who was the loser kid etc, no, my family was like Sarah Jessica's Parker's, "WHAT, HE'S GAY" followed by a "WHAT, YOU WENT TO COLLEGE AND YOU AREN"T DOING ANYTHING WITH YOUR LIFE" followed by a "WHAT, TWO ASIAN PEOPLE GET DIVORCED" Yea, despite what the austerior says, my parents are pretty damn republican liberal, they're liberal in that sense that yea tehy aren't traditional and drink like 3 cups of coffee a day, read 3 English newspapers followed by 1 Chinese newspaper and still watch the news-Chinese and English, but then you say, two Asian people get divorced-they're like, "are there people like that" as in they don't believe it, so like apparently, Asian people aren't gay, don't get divorced and they aren't suppose to be losers-because my parents don't know losers ableit me, and we're not even going to get into that, I was a loser once I was conceived-why, because i'm a girl, and regardless of what they say about how their parents, my grandparents wouldn't care, and blah blah blah, let's get real, they all know and so do I, that's why i think it's better that I didnt' meet them, who wants a girl anyways? Ugh issues, but wahtever, I don't even know why i'm doing this, maybe because I was watching MTV2 and Chingy was showing us his impala that didn't have car door handles and he'd says he rides around in whatever town he's from with his homies and I realize that I don't do that, not anymore, I don't do things that normal people do, like the amount of time it takes me to get anywhere is like 5 songs max, I don't ride around, I don't "cruise" maybe that's what I'm missing, the simple things in life you know, chilling and hanging out with people, screw the tiem management stuff, honestly, sometimes life isn't about being efficient, it's like you have to learn when to be efficient and when to be "loungey" and my new rule is that i'm not wearing any form of business attire on the weekend, and if I feel like waering lounge wear for the whole weekend-then dammit I will, unless it's to some place nice i'll make an acception-but it's all dresses without hosiery, yea, I refuse to be uptight...now, "Do they drive like that in Tiananmen Square, Bitch?" -Ari Gold, so unappropriate in so many ways, but the best line ever next to his "let's hug it out bitch!"

No. 314 Somedays...

2006-09-19T19:32:00.000-07:00

Somedays or sometimes I ask myself what am I doing? Not in that sense that I forgot what I was doing, but what I am I doing here, on earth, it's like I just failed to exist sometimes or why do I. I get that sense of fear and hopelessness about what am I suppose to do. I'm not getting married any time soon, nor am I going to law school soon, or am I doing anything, already in my job, that I've had for 19 days legitimately, it's the end of the road, there is not more promotion unless it's to a completely new job. I realized that someone takes jabs at me, and all I can say is that, "you're a lonely old bitch who wears too much makeup trying to be white, but aren't because you secretly hail from a farming town in China even though you want to be treated like one of the lovelies with money aka a tai tai and you work OT even though you don't get paid and you don't get paid enough to work that much OT, and stop thinking you are right all the time and you have all this power, because you don't, people are just nice and let you slide, one day you won't get that anymore bitch" but of course I'd never say it to her face. It's like the only reason why I can stay sane and normal is knowing that my commute takes me 10 minutes and that I one day will be doing something better then stuffing envelopes or whatever. Furthermore, I don't even ask myself about this status of my job, but I ask myself about my connections with people. Not in that sense of who do you know and who don't you know. It's more in that sense that do I make a difference in people's lives? I mean I know a friend of mine that yes, I do, a great deal, but others i'm not so sure. A boy that went to my high school died, long story short, he received 1200 people at his funeral, and no it wasn't such a sob story, just that he died due to a drunk driver-sob-ish, but not like "omg, you were a prisoner of war, captured, and tortured then tossed into the sea and they got to get half of your remains of the ocean and needed dna to identify who you were" shocking that may be the reason for 1200 people, but jesus, I could never have affected 1200 peoples worth of lives you know. It's like I can only do what I do and I realize sometime that's not good enough. Sometimes I wonder am I really worth it, would it be worth getting to know me? I don't have anything to offer because cynicism and I know how to play the game, I play it like any player, an actor if you will, what's the point right, honestly, but I play it well, I put you off and I am you notice, I command you and you know that, and if you think you are better then me, no you probably aren't, because my history says so and that's all you have to know. I ask myself, why have a connection with me, I don't and couldn't bring anything spritual, I probabaly won't make you become a better man or a better friend. Instead, i'll be the anthithesis of what you don't want, you'll realize you want that nice girl next door who has no motives, whose not too sly, you'll notice when i'm being played and how I maneuver that, you'll notice lots of things, things that won't make you reflect on how "great a person" I am. It's like I go through this life and I don't have a purpose and you know what, having a man does not make you have a purpose, but it makes me wonder though, we're so self-efficient that maybe having a man is the purpose because it brings other purposes. I don't even know, but I do know that whenever I read people's myspaces or people's guestbooks, I realized that I'm not like that, I can't be like them, I couldn't be like them, i'm not like them no matter what I did or how hard I tried and then I say, is it really worth it? Life that is, not in that suicidal sense, but I mean, what the fuck am I doing here? I know my purpose isn't to have a closet full of shit, and like a great business card, that's not it. It's like i'm asking too much of life, it's like what American life is you get a job, you get married, you have kids, you retire, you chill and that's it. You have no greater purpose but to enjoy life. You don't care about competition and you don't care about what stupid things you gave your kids, you just live and that's how it is, how it's suppose to be, but for me, that's not how it's suppose to be and that's now how it is going to be. It's far complicated...maybe my root problem is that I have no one like me, no one is like me and no one understands me. Everyone has someone adn I unforunately don't have anyone, no one can relate to me and that's the hardest, and is there suppose to be someone that relates to you? To "get you" because honestly I don't see anyone who has or have or is going to...that's probably the root of my unhappiness, and no, I wouldn't even go to therapist because they would say it's all in my mind or either they would say, "yes you are right" or they would say, "yes there are other people just not where you are" which is basically the answer "yes there is no one like you..."

The Entourage = Sex and the City?

2006-09-15T20:53:00.000-07:00

Um, has anyone else made that equation, it is like The Entourage is the answer to Sex and the City. I mean, hello, does anyonen else see this, four guys = four girls. four guys doing girl things, aka eating out at trendy places a la fred segal a la balthazar...um...buying things, talking about "products" and sex mainly, JESUS, HELLO, THE ENTOURAGE IS LIKE THE MALE VERSION OF SEX AND THE CITY...but less sexually explicit, and they call themselves men...

No. 313 Fuck You

2006-09-15T18:45:00.000-07:00

Ugh, there is a person in my life that is driving me to the brink of a breakdown. I had a mini one at work, probably coupled with my impending doom and the way she talks to me, I couldn't handle it. Ok, whatever, she's aggressive and she's horrible. I don't hate her, but she isn't my favorite person. She won't make me quit though. Honestly, the more I think about her and the way she is, it's kind of sad, the way she leds her life, full of something that she hates, and the feelings she has for someone that isn't available. It's horrible, and the people feel the same as I do about her, just less angry today, and I guess that's my gratification that yes, she is awkful, but you know what, karma comes back to you. Whatever, that's all I have to say.

No. 312 HUH?

2006-09-09T15:59:00.000-07:00

It hasn't been that long this time...

I don't know, a lot has happened, tons of drama, well not really that much drama, but it wasn't a fun time, but i've through it and now I actually have stability in a job, though it is a "at will" job even the big boys are "at will" it's at least something right, whatever, the more I look at it the more i'm like, if you don't want me as an employee then fuck you, because I do damn good work, i'm what an employee should be, and if you can't see that and act haugthy about it, then whatever, we are through.

What I was thinking of though is sometimes i'm so superficial and sometimes I wish I wasn't, like I wish I was like some normal teen who hangs out with her other friends watching a 100 dollar tv and like drinking diet coke-the generic kind and their mom's make cookies for us and we eat like normal american food like hamburgers grilled on the barbecue...yea that isn't going to happen though, despite drama with my mom accusing hotel staff and then someone at teh banking of stealing her stuff-yes, she actually found it later, in the safety deposit box after she turned the house upside down and blamed everyone under the moon to my vain ideals of leaving somewhere cold for law school-why, just so I can wear alpaca and long cashmere coats-god, honestly I would have bought a whole bunch, but no, I leave in a place were weather doesn't really change and people subsist on North Face here, I don't mind, but it'd be nice to once in a while throw on some old animal around your neck, walk around and like not feel the cold. I can't do that here, i'd feel the heat-as in i'd start to sweat. Anyways, my life feels great nice, i've even got an office-though we don't know how long that will last, but whatever, i'm just worrying aobut the LSAT's, i'm kidn of umotivated, and i've got 3 weeks, I think i'll do well, I just need to do like a practice run and i'll feel normal...

No. 311 1984

2006-08-27T18:31:00.000-07:00

1984 was when I was born, ugh, the bad haircuts, the bad outfits, those ponytail holders-scrunchies and those tee-shirt clip things to hold your oversized tee-shirt at an angle-you know what i'm talking about, oh and don't forget the ruffled socks. You kinow life was once simple, I find myself constantly asking myself "will fate intervene" as it should and always have, because right now i'm swinging at a point above earth waiting to be released into the right spot, the "place" I was always suppose to be. No, this is not the quarter life crisis, this isn't the "omg what the hell am I suppose to do" crisis, and sadly this isn't even the "let me get motivated to make masses amount of money" but in fact, I find myself at polar opposites. I look at houses, 3 million or less, I quickly try to do the math, then I realized, am I really going to have to live in some suburb on the border of king county-jesus that can't be me, or will I be unable to even afford king county and move to like another county-I don't know my county's, but come on. This past summer I take roadtrips, I drive, I keep driving, my parents next to me, I drive and I look at the pleathora of trucks, the pleathora of wide open spaces and the simple way of life. I look, I feel a ease, I feel like I could led that life, drive a Ford Focus and rent movies and pick up some random boy at a bar that turns into a boring, yet "safe" relationship. I can see that, then I remember my perchant for shiny things and the need to capitalize on my potential, i'm also reminded by the obscene amount of money that is possessed at that current point of time, I quickly do the math, then I realize, I really need something to push me to be more productive-and by productive I mean money, and lots of people will say, it's not about the money, true it isnt' about the money, it never should be about the money, I know it shouldn't be about the money, thankfully I don't have to care about money, but I do, I count it, all the time, including the penny's, yes, I don't use change and only carry twenties, but I do the math-ALL THE TIME, and let me tell you, it isn't cheap, it never is cheap, and deep down, it's really about the money. Not the extreme amounts, no I don't need 250 million, I don't even ened 15, i'd settle for less then 9 million, it's the point of being rich yet a semi normal person, you can fly first class, but don't need a jet, therefore you don't need security and can still get away with fed-exing your hermes luggage. It's the point where you feel like you're perfectly at ease, you could live off your dividends-perhaps that is, you may have a great pension, and you can always take at least two vacations a year. One during the summer somewhere hot, and another during winter-maybe you can take up skiing-you're worth a lot where if you break a bone it could be devastating, but you've got the cash flow to say it's ok, don't worry about taking a year off, it's your company anyways, you can have your assistant and fed ex do half your job...anyways, my ramblings is that, sometimes it's all about waiting, it's not about aggression, or are you aggressive, it's not about scheming, it's not about plotting, it's not about planning, you don't have to do that shit, you know, when it's right it's right,and sometimes you didn't anticpate it, but it's right and it's appropriate, it's what is intended...that's when I will stop swinging and land firmly on my haviavana flip flops-consumerism is all about the 14 dollar flip flop you know and the 5 dollar cup of white chocolate non fat light chocolate extra hot mocha.

Ramblings...

2006-07-19T22:42:00.000-07:00

1. Timbaland, how promscious were you?

Jesus, I looked at the video, um, Timbaland, have you been working out because your arms seemed to have mutliplied by two? JESUS MAN, that's all I have to say, and that your neck is HUGGGGGGGE.

2. Justin is not bringing sexy back, especially with those comments!

What the heck Justin, I don't think sexy ever went out, well except for Britney, but she says she's just pregnant, yea, tell that to Heidi Klum, though yes, Britney was not a runway supermodel. Yea, and Justin, FYI, telling the world that the drugs you do, lots of them, are done where cameras aren't seen is a. cocky b. tactless. Ever heard of Kate Moss? Oh, and are you trying to be "dirrty" a la Christina or "oops I did it again" a la Britney, it's not working, whatever, you were on a Mickey Mouse show man.

No. 310

2006-07-17T19:35:00.000-07:00

Ok-people don't get this and sometimes I wonder too...

I always say fate will lead the way, except I always fear that there will be that 1% chance when that doesn't happen...like myself, I don't know, it's like I feel so many emotions:

1. I don't below-hard to rectify given my circumstances
2. I feel lonely-not hard to rectify, but surrounding yourself with people won't make you feel not alone still.
3. An old person trapped inside a young person's body-hard to rectify, especially if people perceive you that way-and no I won't be dressing like Euroasian Ibiza loving girl soon.
4. I feel like what if i'm that 1% that gets the shaft, sure, I will have money, but it doesn't make you all that happy. THe reason this was spurred on is that my parents, or my mother thinks that I won't marry Asian and only white. Yes, this would be fine whatever, because I realize that not only are my parents racist towards whites, but also Asians either-so if they don't like the guy, then tough luck either way I am screwed. But also, what makes her think that I will get married. Honestly, I don't see that I will find someone in law school-if I get it, or find someone at a firm-because i'll be too busy making partner and I haven't had that many boyfriends, or even boys to consider legitimate boyfriends. Then my mother brings the point over what if he doesn't get you a ring, and you get like a gold band. Well, this sounds so horrible, but then again I don't think we're on the same level. This is also coming from a women that has a wedding ring and a back up ring. I've only seen her "real" wedding ring like a max of 5 times because she hardly breaks it out and when she does it's like the President came into town. So, yes, I don't think i'd be happy with a gold band, I don't care what kind of gold band, i'm not one of those girls like Grace dates taht one guy who is all about caring for her and like picks up a rock because it reminded him of her. I don't roll like that, not that he has to go to Tiffany's or it has to be at least 3-though nice because I have big fat fingers, like come on man, it has to be substantial and a part of me is like, I want someone who has similar tastes like me or at least tastes were we mesh well together. So for instance, I wouldn't want to be wearing an lavish kimono when he'd be wearing a cheap Mexican poncho the colors of all of earth whilst holding a corona. Like, a fitting pair would ve a kimono and Y3 stuff or something, subtle, yet appropriate. Honestly, sometimes, that's why I have the feeling that i'm not going to get married and this is none of that Bridget Jones Bullshit and I refuse to settle, well I will settle, but I mean, i'm not going to be settling to eat top ramen 364 days of my life so I can go eat foie gras for the last day. Come on man, honestly? I'm so tired and done with this shit, it's like, I need to occupy myself and move on. Because I realize people are moving out and out. I look at them and I say oh good for you, but then I say, they've all moved on and what have I been doing, staying in motion-ableit slightly more monied-possible but not a given.

Wah is this?

2006-07-15T01:42:00.000-07:00

It's 1:38 and i'm sitting here listening to Paris after a long ass night, what am I doing, trying not agonize over losing sleep-no in fact I find Paris's Stars are Blind is quite soothing-so shoot me, what's not soothing is when she doesn't wear underwear. Ugh, all I know is that I just realized that a college degree means nothing. It only gets you so far, a 4.0 does not mean a thing, it's more about your potential, the potential to do something. For instance, Mr. Gates has the potential to finish school, but he also had the potential to start Microsoft, therefore he didn't need school, but he had the potential to finish. I realize that my college degree means nothing, it's about my potential, and I hope others see this too...

I also realize that I am the happiest by myself, hanging with a few select friends, and buying stuff. I realize my second home really is the mall. It's were I feel inhibited and free. The thought of beautiful people, better possessions, and people with their significant others does not worry me a bit. In fact, I feel like that movie Love is actually all around-it's just not with me...Ugh, but at least I bought those Burberry bags-it made me feel better for now that is.

I also love Paris' new song, "Jealousy" like that isn't meant for a particular person...gee, I had no idea it wasn't about just "girls who are hungry" hmmmm, can we say "hello Nicole?"

No. 309 Do you ever feel like you don't belong-because that's me-all the time, except at home...

2006-07-12T21:45:00.000-07:00

Ugh-

It's really weird, but ever since leaving a small ass town, I feel like I never belong. Like i'm caught in between two worlds. You would think it would be the exact opposite, where I would feel that I never belonged in a small town etc. But no, instead, I find myself uber paranoid in this city I feel like. I always feel like I don't belong and it kind of freaks me out, and I always feel like i'm going to be singled out. I am in constant fear of not seeing other people like me etc...before I wasn't like this at all. I also realize this pass weekend that in reality, I don't belong and lots of people know I don't either. It's like why do I put myself in those situations when I know it's not me, I want to be like that, but if people can't accept or welcome me, then why bother...it's kind of devastating when you think about it, but what can you do? I looked around and everyone had someone, I don't have anyone, it's one of those freak moments of nature where you feel like you will never have what other people have dispite all the wealth and faith in the world...it kind of freaks me out, when I mean kind of, it really means A LOT...but what can you do right, nothing, you are periless and riding on fate's tail-though fate has been less then nice to you as always...

No. 308 Sudden Fear

2006-06-28T22:58:00.000-07:00

All of a sudden I got this really big fear of failing...

People ask me why i'm at this job. I say, well it's transition period and I am "thinking about going to law school" when in reality I have very clear set plans and using this current job as a catalyst to achieve my dreams-or at least I am thinking and mean that, though if it even happens, then god help me. I don't know, college hasn't taught me a lot. I didn't find god, or any hard partying ways, instead, I found a closet full of clothes and the ability to straight iron hair like no other due to my internet research/stalking skills of everyone and everything. I just hope my future plans out to what it is suppose to be, or else I will have issues, especially since I know this girl and she totally got into a school I wanted to get into-technically not as much, but if it was my only school I got into, i'd take it either way, not my first choice, but whatever, i'd still do it. Freaking out and will go to sleep hopefully calmer, and if not, then shoot me-so much to do, mani, pedi, tanning-ugh...

No. 307 City people are different from country people

2006-06-25T23:51:00.000-07:00

Lately, I realized that city people are different from country people. No, let me make a correction, people who have money who live in the city are different from country people and people who live in a farther vicinity away from the metropolitan area or main hub. This has also been stemmed by a recent acquisition that spurred a recent relevation for my father. It's kind of sad now because basically he believes that everyone is of lower class than deemed appropriate and that these people he seems are really "rough" if one can put it lightly. I then chided him-Asian people aren't suppose to chide their elders, saying, that "not everyone is as classful as you are." I mean, for christ sakes, it's like the world my dad lives in is that everyone is "rough" or like below him except people who drive S cars, 7 series BMW, the later Maybach, Rolls, etc-not the Porsche Boxter though and people who do not show adequate taste upon dressing themselves-and yes, that goes to you Asian people who dyed their hair blonde-are you now what-more American, anyways, so I don't agree with their choice of dress and yes they don't seem very WASPY, but they may not be entirely "rough" or maybe my concept of "rough" and my dad's concept of rough are completely different. Because when I think of "rough" i think of people from Watts, CA, or the ghetto or projects or whatever they rap about in videos and kids who pay with cash whilst wearing pants really low and baby phat...so maybe my dad isn't thinking that I don't know, but hello, there's this whole sector of American called "middle class" and jesus I think my dad was implying that the "middle class" looked "rough..." and no, he's actually broad minded...

"Why do you drive a v8 in the city"

2006-06-23T00:21:00.000-07:00

This is the question that I saw from a Dane who arrived back in the US. Um, because as Americans we can, and we'll drive a V12 as a matter of act, it's because we can no one needs a V12, or a V8, technically, a V6 is plenty powerful, but why a V8, it's because we can and we do, it's to flex our muscle that happens to be our wallet, it's because we have to gloat and show people what we got because we have to overcompensate for smaller things, in a sense, why, because we are too stupid to realize that none of this ever matters in the end, so we spend frivlous dollars that some can afford and some can't...

No. 306 Sometimes you have to drive fast to find your roots again

2006-06-22T23:43:00.000-07:00

These past weeks have been a series of blurs for me...none of which I felt prepared for.

I graduated. Yes, amazingly in four years, technically, 3 years and 2 quarters though I couldn't bare to leave college earlier, instead, I just took 10 credits each quarter instead of 15. This did not alleviate my stress level as I was in and now in constant fear of LAW SCHOOLS, though there is nothing I can do now, my undergrad career is over-enough said and done. And you know what, I wouldn't relive it all over again, and if I did, I would ignore the money aspect, stumble about like a drunken wreakness girl that I wannabe instead of finding the best deals on books, and oh yea, I would have studied more, no not even that, but I would have just told myself, "why are you toying with the fact of law school, you are going to go, that is it and no that grade is not acceptable, you are going and you need to focus, stop putting around bitch." That's what I want to say to myself, specifically during my first two-three years of college, while everyone kept telling me that "you need to live the college experience and breath it and blah blah blah," yea, I lived and breathed it and my grades stunk of halitoastis.

I went to my graduation ceremonies, and I felt ill prepared. Why, because everything I owned was in a cramped college and everything was wrinkly. I waited until last minute to send out announcements because I wanted to send a picture. I had so man yissues, and figuring out what to wear just wasn't on the agenda. I realized though that I won't miss college as much as I miss HS. HS was the easy years you know, guranteed to get into a college, going out with friends, to the gym, leisurely shopping. College = no boys, can't hang out with friends because I didn't do a paper, no gym-no time, no leisurely shopping, and the amount of money I racked up didn't help either and the negative amount of bread in the dorms caused me to go to carb heaven at home-a deadly mix...

Anyways, what I really came to vent is why do people who have had boyfriends, break up, need to get back into a relationship? Why can't you be single? I do not understand, frankly, I really like being single not that i've hardly been a "couple" but I mean, no, I am not sharing with a guy my food, no I will not go shopping with him and no I won't go watch baseball-tennis or soccer maybe, but no, no sport watching, and no I don't play mario kart-I can't even get pass the level 2. Also, no, I am not going to be your babe in your sporty car, no I don't care where you bought your fragrance and no you will not fucking dress me and I won't do the same to you-unless you look like a Ludacris wannabe-but then again, I highly doubt i'd be with you. Honestly, sure, of course, someone to hang out with, go to movies, go to random stuff, eat, eat, and eat, and just hang out, sure, but it's not a priority. Why do some people make this so? I Don't understand, why can't you just be single for like a milisecond man? Also, what bugs me is that the fact that you live in the same city as me and no, you don't bother to hang out with me, why, because you are too busy chasing your boy...ugh it just irritates me, but I mean, I guess a part of me is like, 'you could spend time with me" but I do understand that boys are important, which leads me to driving fast and going back to my roots...

Driving fast on a freeway, out to Northbend, it led me to realize that no, I am not that Gucci loving, Mercedes driving, Rolex wearing, materialistic bitch that people claim or I seem to be perceived as. Though many people don't realize this, but damn I am proud of where I am from, this small town in the middle of my state, and god damn man, I loved it there, life was simple. It's here were money is king and if you don't have it then I don't know what you are going to do. I realized that I am really down to earth-not in that sense that I will go camping with you, but realistically, if you already judged me for living in a small town-then it's over, I dont' judge, I do, everyone judges, but I can look beyond that judgement and not just focus on it. I realize that people think they are the shit sometimes-sure sometimes you are, most times you aren't...

Let me break it down, driving a Benz means nothing, maybe a Maybach, wearing a Rolex means nothing-there's this thing where people get them used and or on payment plans and I don't care if it's a presidential, wearing Gucci is not sufficient-and if I ever see that horsebit or the "boots that are so Gucci" again I will gag, logos don't make you better than everyone else-even if they are Goyard with handpainted crests, living in a million dollar house means nothing nor having a gardner, nanny, maid or any house hold help, so no, don't talk to me about where you live or what you do-because it means nothing and no, don't talk to me about how your dad just gave you a hundred dollars or how you bought this and that. I don't want to hear it, not because i'm jealous, it's because you are what Paris says is "hungry" or desperate and it's really pathetic, I don't want to hear it or see it. Your life does not own you, you own your life. Take that in perspective, and it only took me a drive out to the country to realize this.

Moreover, has anyone tried Veet. Ok, I guess my legs don't look as tan as her but did anyone mention that that shit reeks like gods knows what? What is that smell? I love toiletries, but this is foul? It's like literally burning off my leg hair, this is not normal, why do people do this? I don't get it...

But yes, I realize though my last weeks of introspect is that when I see people that have that "i am so much better than you attitude," I think, "you have never seen anything yet." I also say, it means nothing unless you own, have, or do things that make are on top of specified lists. So, even though your car that you are driving is said to be the Top 15, and it happens to be ghe 14th-that doesn't count, Top is the Top 5 max and i'm being generous.

No. 305 Being Humble and the anonymousity of the Anonymous Lawyer

2006-06-06T18:14:00.000-07:00

Being Humble or knowing when to use it. I play the humble game all the time, in fact, every day, especially at work, why, because I want them to feel sorry for me, to give me a better salary, to make me not do things I don't want to, to like me, it's a game and I know how to use it. Certainly I haven't quite mastered it for upgrades on airlines, but in most cases, when I'm humble or nice, and someone offers something to me-I take it, damn right, when people say, "no after you" or some random act of kindness-I take it, because there are two things that lead me to take it. 1. I can't waste anymore time saying "no after you," which ends in a no you, you first, no I mean you match. I can't handle it. 2. I take it because I say oh that is nice of them and I "pay it forward" and I only do so with old people though. 3. I think I deserve it, not to be rude or mean or anything, but I mean, I look like a person that deserves these niceties, while others sit and wallow when the door crashes into their face. It's just the way nature it, but speaking of humbleness, I know some people, mainly a specific group of people who aren't humble, who feel like they have to throw their money around, like they are the greatest thing on earth ever since spreadable butter without trans fat and omega-3. I look at those people and I say, i'm so glad you live here, because you haven't even see how people throw money around bitches. Throwing money around or no, wrong phrase, acting like you are rich, insanely rich, rich that makes your ability to do anything paramount to the normal people. They haven't seen rich yet, rich isn't your 2 carat or even the max of 5 carat ring. Rich isn't the fact that you drive a benz, wear a rolex, and sold your 2 million dollar house. Rich isn't the fact that you heard some restaurant who has a pre-set meal for 90 dollars. Rich isn't any of those things, not until you see people drive a Bentley sedan like it's an SUV, wear a patek philippe, sold a 50 million dollar house. RIch isn't the fact that you heard of a 90 dollar mean, 90 dollars covers 1/3 of your taxes, rich is when they close the restaurant for you or you eat in a private room, rich is when the chef comes out to greet you, rich is when on wine alone you dropped a cool 5,000. That's rich, and that's also class. Not that you have to spend a lot, but yes, so what if you are "semi well off" that doesn't make you above everyone, you're still lacking class, in fact you are crass. When someone asks you how many courses for 90 dollars, you don't know. COME ON MAN. You gloat about how your son bought you an ipod or a bag-gee, that was nice of him, but that's nothing to be shocked about. They sell ipods everywhere now adays even in grocery stories and aren't those monogram bags played out unless you got the new multicolor fringe bag...come on, bring your A. game, I have yet to see it. It amazes me that they think they are on top of the world, they aren't. Have they not seen a yacht pass 150 feet, have they not seen a helipad on top of someone's building, come on man, and no, knowing Jackie Chan, which you don't, or Bruce Lee, or any popstar makes you famous-I know them all or are semi-connected, I can get seats anytime any place for any major Asian concert-that isn't big, and I don't gloat about that. Damn right my milkshake is better than yours and the best part about it, bulgars will go to your house first before mine-why, because you tell everyone and anyone about how "wealthy" you are. You haven't seen anything yet honey.

I've been reading this blog, anonymous lawyer. I thought for sure, I mean, someone, but of course being naive. Anyways, the guy is good, and he's funny, and sometimes I mean reading his stuff, it makes me feel that I feel that way sometimes. Not in the sense that i'd sell my mother for a contingency if it meant I got one, but in a sense that sometimes being a lawyer is hard work, sometimes it is kind of annoying-like how you answer your blackberry every single minute of the day, but I mean, sometimes these people live for them, and it's not all people that do this. Not all people are mean heartless lawyers, some people are actually real. It's astonishing though that no one believes the sanctity of a lawyer, we're like the bottom rung. We're meeting one day I might be, but it doesn't matter, because I know i'll be a nice lawyer, so ha!

Also what is a relevation is that I am graduating yes. I think I might have a job. Hopefully. What I realized though is I go to a top 50 school. Yet, I always think i'm not going to get a job. Like I think all the good jobs or any job goes to the people in the Top 10 schools, then I realize, this can be right, other peopel go to college at less respectable universities and they do fine. I'll be ok. I don' tknow, it's weird, because I automatically think, you go to a bad school-you can't get a job, but that can't be true you know...so anyways, moral of the story, you don't have to go to a good school to get a job, it helps, but it's not entirely dependent on it. Also, in college, I realized that the ability to b.s. and articulate your b.s. will yield just a high of a grade as craming or studying all the stuff you got-some 60 pages of notes and jumbling it all onto a final...Thanks $60,000 worth of school-I appreciate what you have not taught me and have used my money to buy beakers for all your research departments...

No. 304 It's too late you cheap skate!

2006-05-25T22:17:00.000-07:00

It's too late you cheap skate. Ugh, my eminent college career is coming to an end. Yes, I went to a cheap college, a public school, and yes, it is top 37 or up, but yes, for the cheapness I had to sacrifice my grades. Instead of going to a nice private college where you pay for your grades, I toiled away and managed to pummel my gpa where yes it is average at my university, but horrid as everyone else gets 3.5s and up. I had this discussion with my dad-a fellow cheapy. I remember vividly my years in high school. I remember how it was implied that you best go to a cheap, but good public school so save up, especially since I was going to get another degree-masters or really law-that I keep kidding myself if I really want it, but it's like it was fate, like I didn't choose it, it was just there. Anyways, the point was, it was best I go to a good reputable but cheap public school. This was imperative. My parents did hint that if I did go to Stanford-it might be ok, besides the fact that they would have to eat ramen noodles for the rest of their lives, but they were willing to make that sacrifice. Ok, I am a girl, I am asian, filial piety anyways-would I let my parents suffer while I was at an extremely expensive school? Furthermore, no sense in going out of state since out of state tuition is expensive and so it private school right? Yea, Harvard was out too. Mind you, my SAT wasn't up to par so it wasn't even negotiable. Anyways, so the imperative wa sthat I need to go to cheap, public and reputable. Also, my parents would be paying for all of it. I thank them but than a part of me says, "no it is accepted because like all Asians, you pay for college." Furthermore, i'm a girl. Furthermore there is this thing called "saving face." Anyways, so then my dad tells me when I am 2 weeks from graduating on time from the public, cheap, but reputable research university that, "you know, if you had gone to a private school, it may have been easier on your gpa and you would have gotten a higher gpa than your mediocre gpa now." THANK YOU PROFESSOR, IT'S A LITTLE DAMN LATE ISN'T IT, MR. I KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT IS ACADEMIA, THANK YOU SIR FOR TELLING ME THIS NOW, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? CHRIST, if I only was Marissa-she got it easy I tell you. Anyways, so yea, like now all of a sudden he decides that maybe he can foot the bill of private school and that I might have learned more and it would be harder to flunk out when classes are less then 15 people instead of 600 people in a lecture hall. COME ON MAN? TOO FUCKING LATE! So yea, but anyways, I am planning to go to grad school/law school-please let me go somewhere that is within the 50 states and not in Puerto Rico, but anyways, money and cost is not an option. I don't care if it costs 45,000 dollars, money is not an option now, I don't fucking care. Also, someone may say, "why didn't you just go to the college you wanted, private or wahtever, doesn't matter right" no the thing was, maybe if I came from a family where I knew my parents wouldn't be paying for my college, I wouldn't fucking care and just get a loan and that'd be that and go to a college that I thought was fab and glam, but no, I didn't even apply for financial aid or anything. No, not because i was lazy, or didnt' want to, but it was basically told that I can't apply to those because I don't qualify, so yea, basically I couldn't apply to scholarships or anything because you need tax returns-something I didn't have, so while I may have gotten free money-or at least like enough to buy a quarter worth of books, hell to the no, I didn't, instead, I was always thinking about the guilt and the debt to my parents that I kept racking up. Not the debt like I must wash the dishes because they paid for my school, but monteary wise, like regardless of what people say that when you get down from school it will cost you 6,000 x 4 years tuition and like 6 x 4 years living expensives, no, it was more like, 15,000 x 4 and it was cutting it close bitches, and no, I didn't visit starbucks 5 times a day. yes, so, I guess my most valuable life lesson learned from college was if I wanted a high gpa i should have gone to a shcool where I would have been paying for one.

My academia life at the reputable public university led me to think that it doesn't matter how hard you study or the endless amounts of facts you know, instead, it's the way you present them, the way you bs them, the way you shape them into general arguments that don't mean a damn thing except from a 0.0 to 4.0 scale. I didn't learn anything, I learned basic things like mla format, how to analyze a text book-aka not reading it, I learned that you don't need to do the readings but memorize your lecture notes for that one hour of testing, I learned that some professors are cool and want to talk while others are so under pressure to publish that they don't have time for you, I learned that a my school is like a business, in which the football coach was one of the highest paid in all of washington state, I learned that all my hardwork was futile because it wasn't the facts I spilled onto a page, but how well i bs it and put it together, I learned that my teachers are all not just non-bias, but they are all bias and some even use objectable language. I also learned that racism exists, even at a liberal college. I learned that people are still uninformed, even certain public officials and people passionate about certain issues. It was saddening, I didn't get a great education, I just saw life in a skewed way, and realized that this is sad what a place like this produces. Not great minds, but biases that have great minds, something that kind of saddened me...

Also, rant here: FUCK SAKES GIRL, IF YOU SAW YOUR BANK BILL AND PANICKED, WHY DO YOU STILL GO TO STARBUCKS 5 TIMES A DAY

This is what this girl said, she said she just saw her bank bill and freaked, but she still had to come to starbucks, and says that she's ususally here 5 times a day and maybe she should work there so she can get the minute discount. OMG-COME ON MAN-that is Classic America, the America that says "you are two paychecks from being broke and homeless," "You are going to be poor because of your non-saving habits and over zealous spending." God, what an idiot, like I don't understand and no she wans't just like gloating like oh I have money, but I can't believe I spend this much, but oh it's ok. COME ON MAN. I mean come on, yes, maybe when you see your bank bill in the 5 digits you begin to panic, but then you look at your checkbook, realize you can pay it all off, it will beok you just won't get your mocha all the time, it's be fine right, no, it wasn't, god the girl was obnoxious and I think she thought the guy was cute while he wasn't having any of that...

Do you have to go Venti?

This is something I read from someone else's blog that said, when he sees people go venti-he asks himself if they have to go that big, just like Americans-they overconsume-cars (SUVS), clothes etc, all the while he is wearing a Polo by Ralph Lauren shirt, gee I wonder whose the hypocrite man. Seriously. And yes, you have to go Venti because it's the better deal and everyone needs the extra jolt. This is America, creditor nations let us overconsume because we can and they are weak and we are the hegemon. Yes bitches, long live the Venti-in fact, I don't even think the Venti is big enough-especially if you add ice...

Also, speaking of Ventis

I got my white chocolate mocha and it had whip cream on it? OMG, who does that, usually I go for the straight shot venti americano no room for cream cuz I like the bitterness of the coffee, but omg, I thought you had to ask for the whip cream to be on it for them to give it to you, or usually they ask, "whip or no whip?" UGH, so yea, I took a sip-couldn't figure out what was going on, then saw this glob on the inside, realized it was while I was walking out of the door-then I had to like use a straw to sling out the whip-who does that, ew ew ew, whip is so weird and gross like i'm not even sure what to say and hello, does everything need whip on it I swear, whoever made those special lids for the ice drinks needs to seriously reevaluate their fortune, especially since it added to britney's skanky life...and don't even get me started

No. 303 Boys, A kick in the face, and George Lopez

2006-05-22T17:55:00.000-07:00

Boys

Ok, I don't get it, personally I mean, yes, loved to have a boyfriend etc blah blah blah, but I know this girl, she just broke up with her bf, totally bad, they onced live together and now all hell is breaking loose, not like abuse or anything, but it's very inconvenient, and she's already looking at new meat, and not just looking to look, but looking to like get another bf again! Why can't you be single like the rest of New York City? I do not get it, like you just broke up and automatically you are thinking of new prospects-jesus, but at least this one is better than the last, but like come on. She also comes at me with the whole, "what if they wanted to and you wanted to, but then they moved on and found someone else" then i'd say, well obviously it wasn't meant to be, like maybe i'm a part of the .0005% of people or something that thinks that relationships shouldn't be hard, relationships are like yin and yang, you coexist and you complement each other, like i'm not going to go out of my way to make a relationship work, it's kind of a sign, if it's too hard, you may as well quick aka why America is divorced. I don't know, maybe i don't get it because i'm not in a "relationship" or the only relationship I have is with Ben and Jerry...

A kick in the face

I don't know, maybe it's me, but whenever someone tells me some good news, like I secretly hope that it's bad or if they are vying for something, I secretly hope they won't make it. I know, it's sick and wrong and completely delusional. I don't know, but then when my friends do make it, it makes me feel good, because I get the sense that hey, if they can make it, so can I. Then I think, what if I don't make it, what if I am like the 1% of the population that doesn't make it, doesn't make an exorbant amount of money, or the percent that didn't get into law school. Seriously, that's how I see it, like i'm happy for them and it gives me hope in my life, but then a part of me thinks, i'm not as good as them or no wait I am as good as them, but I won't make it. It's like come to that point where i'm like, I don't fucking care anymore, either you take me or not (employer) like I don't even care, if you can't recognize that I can do good work for you, then I may as well not work for you-why am I trying to force something? That's my deal I think, I always try to force things through if I know that I have the slight possibility of not making it. Seriously, I do some fucking great work and i'm sorry that you aren't able to see some semblance of that in my resume. It just will suck because what if I can't play the game to benefit me? I mean, some of the peoplw who are sly yet good make it, but some people, for the love of good, are the best people on earth and you know what, I look at them and see that the game has played them, not the fact that they are playing teh game. That really saddens me and makes me feel like what is there to the world? Yes, so maybe the fact that I chase money is bad, maybe i shouldn't worry about money anymore, because what, it won't make you happy...

AKA what George Lopez said. usually I don't like to watch comedy unless it's like Dat Phan or some Asian/Gay semblance of comedic presence, but anyways, I find myself watching George Lopez. He says that no matter how much money you make, you are still the same person. Which is true, but my dilemma is kind of well a dilemma. I mean, I grew up thinking that I was poor but richer than other people, now I am thinking that I am poor and not richer than people. I mean, it doesn't help that a large portion of the movers and shakers live near me, but that is besides the point, I mean it is so true, why am I trying to force it. why do people "fake it until they make it?" What is the point, I mean, in the end you are just hurting yourself. Like why do Asian girls have to dye their hair blonde-you ain't going to look "hella white" anytime soon. I don't get it, it's like why I am trying to force a hummer into a compact spot. It doesn't work, and I mean, really, sometimes I just wish things were simpler. I think G.Lo as he is referred to-which was so happy, G.Lo, anyways, G.Lo says that life is not complicated, it is simple just like when you are a kid. I said yes, for some people and for others it is way complicated, aka me. My professor also said it, he says, once you know more about something you get even madder because you can't change it. I mean, when you're little kids, all you do is eat, play, and poop. Now, i'm already thinking of how to streamline my life to maximize my time spent a wake and a sleep and what will help me more-aka getting groceries on line and using a crackberry. Ok, note to self though, I don't buy my own groceries as I have someone to do that for me-thanks mom, and I don't use a crackberry nor does anyone else at work except like 2 people who choose to and it is not like there are that many emails that requires someone to use a crackberry-so maybe I just want one to be cool? Seriously, and in a sense, I know the more money you make the more prone you are to like fuck up and get fired, but I mean, we all need money, I don't want to get fired, but come on man. Anyways, this whole year may make it better for me, I mean, since i'm not going off to my intended destination, I mean it will lead to my reevaluation of what I want and need. I mean, I don't have kids, I have no one to bog me down besides my parents-easily taken care of, so I mean, the world is mine if I can take it. Also, no, I am not going to go to NYC to like get an internship because I am not competing with everyone else unless I got an internship/job as Goldman Sachs or some really reputable company making at least 60,000 in which I may be able to live adequately as I do now without saving anything into a 401K or IRA or wahtever those things are and pray that I don't get seriously injured by a cab while walking across the street using my crackberry or i'll have to pay those hospital bills, which will be killer. So a part of me is like, maybe I should do something glamourous and low pay or just glamourous and high pay or maybe I should just like tough it out because technically I mean, this year off isn't really a year, it's like half a year because i'll have to apply in Jan anyways, so I mean, technically it's not even a full year.

You know what is annoying though and maybe this isn't annoying but it's smart consuming or saving on my part for when I get old. I seem like I am more wealthy than some of my fellow friends and peers, which in some degree I am because I have enough money and more to buy a BMW 5 series all cash and maybe through in an ipod, and that's the money I saved myself mind you, with the occassional when I was little my mom would match my 20 bucks or whatever, but no, the point is, that I don't take vacations, yes i got and buy tons of shit at like 19.99 and still have the tags on to boot, but like I don't go on vacations, I mean, all my friends have gone on vacations but me, I have not, not a single one in a long time, like I don't do that spring break bull shit, so I mean, I don't know what this means, it means that i'm not as happy as having those "moments" or that it means that I am way smarter because I have more in the bank. I do not know, but all I know is that even if I had those "moments" I better be in at least a 3 star hotel and there should be no fanny packs, motels present, or kids around. yes, so technically even if I took vacation, I don't even know if I would like it, yes, experiences great while everyone is intoxicated, but no, I will not share a bed with a fellow friend unless I have to, and I kind of like to have my own place for toiletries and preferably only share a sink with like 1 other person. Yes, I think I am old and get grouchy easily if I have to share or wait, I can't handle it, that's probably my biggest fault, is that as an only child, I never had to share or wait for anything and even now I don't, which is sad but true. Yes, I don't even share with my mother, like if my mom buys a teeshirt I like, she just gets me one too, like we don't share clothes like "cool moms and daughters" do. No, in fact, one time I bought this scarf for myself, instead of taking mine, she just said to buy her another one, yes, because apparently we can't even share scarves even though um, we'd never wear the same thing at the same time and we still can't share...Thanks G.Lo for the incite though!

Edit: Another thought is that, some of my friends have gone through 2-3 cars already, me, I don't even have one yet...yes I just borrow, never been a situation like everyone needs the car and i'm stuck without one or something, but yea, I mean what does that say. What does that say that I at all times must have 4 figures in my account to make me feel a semblance of not sleeping on the street while everyone elses bank accounts are at zero. I don't know, I mean, just like schools, whilst in HS, I applied to 8 schools because they told us too and no I didn't apply to "dream" schools etc, because I knew what my budget was and I basically applied to all schools in my state. Yes, I know it's sad, even some schools where I was a shoe in and some people were like, "you applied to that," and I was like yes I did. You know why, because I don't think I can access risk for a living, like I am Ben Stiller in Along Came Polly, like I have to be guranteed that I will be accepted not jut 100%, but like 150% or preferably in writing. That is how I am, I didn't want to risk it that i'd have 60-40 chance of 80-20 chance of getting in, that wasn't good enough, I had to now for sure that I would be going to college-not "hoping that I could get in my sheer will."

No. 302 The Lack of Urgency and Racism

2006-05-18T16:25:00.000-07:00

Over the past couple of days, I have developed a sense of un-urgency is that is such a word. I really don't care anymore, I care enough to want a good grade, but I am no longer in that place where I am constantly panicked, instead, I feel like I was once an ADD kid who took an adderall and am now completely calm and serene as if I was drinking some green tea on the beach of Cozumel or something...

What is kind of scaring me though is my sense or perception of racism. I never even though of my self as a "minority" when I was little and living in a "majority" world. Now, I live in a world that is full of minorities and the majority has ceased to be such a big majority. The odd thing is that I feel like either A. people have become more racist and/or B. I am constantly freaked out if I don't see "my people" around because like Lifetime instills the notions from their movies that gays get dragged off in trucks and killed, transsexuals aren't viewed upon badly and latinos get a bad wrap for not talking "white." I don't know, it's like these people have all these views and they're so complex, like whatever happened to a live where you just live to live, not to live to ponder everything like why that person put that comma there when it would have been better to put a period in the same spot and start a new sentence. Anyways, so some countries are persecuting minority groups. It happens all over the world, Tibet, China, Egypt, all over the place...and it dawned on me that some people can't differeniate between what happens in a country and that the government should be blamed of that specified country and the notion that "you people are to blame." For instance, say Lucy Liu is Chinese, but she or "you people" are not to be blamed for the issues going on with Taiwan and Tibet. Like, I don't think Lucy Liu or "her people" are somehow indirectly harming the people in those countries. Yes, Lucy is Chinese, but it's not like she is PM and she is doing that or it's not like she started the cultural hatred or stigmas of a particular nation. It just dawned on me that for 4 years of my life, and for many others, people still can't differentiate between what a government is doing and what "you people are doing" to some other race, group, country etc. It kind of saddens me, and that's all I have to say, but the fact that no, it's not "me or my people" that have done those things to "your people." What really is to blame is not "people" but the institutions, stgimas, government, cultural attitudes, tones, underlying conditions that are to blame for what has happened to "your people." It is not your people against my people, it's against something greater that is an institution, body of governance, deep set conditions etc.

No. 301 Shopping your feelings

2006-05-07T20:52:00.000-07:00

I'm sure everyone is guilty of this atrocity that is my life. I shop my feelings, and I realized that 1. the spring market is really turning around and has a wide assortment of attention grabbing tangible items that I would like. 2. I realized that I should get rid of loads in my closet to make way for new stuff. 3. I realized that I have competition now, I always knew it, like I knew I couldn't live in New York because my wardrobe couldn't handle it, I can't wear Escada, Y-3, Etro, any of the E's or the G's nor even the L's including Lhullier and Louis, maybe Lovcat, but who wants that right...sigh this is my life. In my area, there is a serious collection of Gucci making the rounds and Chloe python bags at 3,450 bucks, jesus that is a lot of money for a BAG, and I don't even think it's real python, and if so, it's very supple, but anyways, ok, so before I mean these big bags you needed elux to get them, and a few had them, an occasional Gucci, but Louis reigned in our city, now Gucci and Chloe have come into the market, and they are in with full force including waiting lists for some items. I mean I guess I always knew that this would happen like any big city, but I always liked my little big city where I could be top dog most of the time, but I mean, I can't rotate Gucci bags, actually wait, I do have a Gucci bag, long lost and with great senitmental value, but anyways, beyond that, I mean, the game is up, the game has started, no longer can people wear Juicy sweats, uggs, and like a coach bag and be hot, there is not Ralph Lauren black label, chloe, missoni, and Gucci to commend with, it's time to bring my game bitches, although a small one, it is the motivator for me to land a good job. Please all mighty let this be true. Shopping my feelings led to this new feeling, the feeling that someone is better then me, I awlays knew that, everyone knows that, but now it is blatantly out there, in a large expanse of space with bags stocked to the ceiling, that is the mecca where the hierarchy is presented, the have nots and the haves...this city is being a place of have nots and haves, when in reality there should be no divide like this, nor was there before...

No. 300 Why can't I shake this feeling?

2006-05-06T23:23:00.000-07:00

I feel so helpless, so in despair, yet at the same time I know everything will be all right and that "fate/destiny/the right moment" will prevail and that I will have my place on earth. I just can't shake it, I can't shake that feeling away...I look at my life and it's still kind of sad...maybe because the things I stand for apparently aren't such a big deal anymore or maybe people are changing, while I've been still too rigid, or maybe I need to move to the midwest and shuck corn while wearing overalls, i'm not sure...

A couple of things, I don't have a boyfriend are seem like I am going to be getting one any time soon, it kind of concerns me because I am 22 and I was just talking to a friend who was saying that she wanted to be "settled" when she was 25, but that didn't look like it was happening. She's damn closer to it than I am, I mean, I always said I wanted to get married like at 30-or 33ish, not 34, dear god I don't want to die, but the latest would be 38-i'm not even sure I will hit that mark.

Second, I'm kind of concerned because what if I don't get into Law School and am a paralegal my whole life. Would I be happy as a paralegal? No, i'd probably go into policy studies, but would I and could I be happy in Washington DC, I highly doubt it, like I love politics, but the whole white America thing with pleated khakis and egos don't do it for me.

Thirdly, why can't I be happy, sure, I eat my feelings, I shop my feelings, I watch tv to supress the feelings, I do everything to "make me happy" or things I enjoy, but I don't think it works, as odd as this sounds, like you need someone to be there, or some thing, maybe if I had a cat or something...speaking of "being there," I don't need someone to be hovering over me, but say when I get married and share the king size bed with two comforters because I like my own, he can sleep in his corner and I on mine, he doesn't even have to touch me, I just have to know that he's next to me, he's there, physically and I guess on a different level...that's probably what i've been searching for...

I need someone to be there on the same level as me, someone to make me comfortable, and no one has done that yet. It's so difficult I feel because i'm not your average "on the same level as everyone else" person. That's how I feel, and I guess it shows through my interactions with people, but I mean, it's not like i'm stuck up but I don't know, all I know is that people can't talk to me as easily for some reason, is it intimidation, frankly I don't know, because I don't think that appearances should stop them, I smile a lot, A LOT at people and make them feel welcome, but I guess it doesn't work. Sometimes I wonder if it's because of the physical appearance or what you don't say, as in the movie Hitch, 90% of the words aren't coming out of your mouth...but one thing is i'm not going to dumb myself down. Like, no, I won't stop wearing the 2 carat earrings I have, and it doesn't matter whether you think they are real or not. But I really wonder if people notice these things as they always comment and the new gal at work "liked my bag" and I remember another time when I had bought another bag and people kept looking at it like, "ooo...how does she afford that..." and I also remember sales people doing it to me too. Sales I get, but come on man. I don't know, then another time in which one of the other gals told me that I was the stereotypical gal of ---- city. Yes, i'm not, because i'm not a bitch to people unless they are to me. Seriously, if you step on me, be prepared to get fired at worse, no I won't send the Asian mafia to your door, but seriously, i'm nto known to stop on people. I am within reason, I do things for a purpose, i'm all about effectiveness, efficicency, efferevscency...it's the 3 E's.

But the main question is, "why can't I be happy" and why can't I be one of those hippy kids who just let everything slide off their back...

Edit: thoughts are still running around my head

As for sex, ok, I get it, some people need to test drive before buy, it's cool, but as for marriage, I really think that you should only do it once, like I don't think your ideal would be 3 times unless you were a gal who did it once for the money, second time for lust, and the third for love. I mean, that only occurs if you are white trash or poor...

In addition, what is with people belonging to groups that are called Future MILFs of America...um, what the hell or groups called Future Trophy Wives of America, first off, what if you don't turn out to be a MILF or Trophy Wife and I mean, even MILFs or Trophy Wives don't say they are, dear god man, it's like saying, "yes i'm big and tall so I must be a sports player and yes I must be stupid too..." because those groups just scream, "yes I think i'm hot and yes I will marry someone with money" and they fail to say, they don't have class and are more likely to be seen in a white hummer on My Super Sweet Sixteen saying that "this does not make me happy" as they yell at their party planner because they're "reputation" is on the line. I have a few questions, "this does not make me happy" will not solve anything right? What is your reputation and why do you have to keep it, are you in the mafia? What is with the white hummer, is that like the tacky limo du jour?

Yes, I don't get it, even if I was a Future MILF or a Future Billionaire, I wouldn't say it, it's like you just don't do it unless you're Paris Hilton in which you can say, "That's Hot, You're Not" or "Heiress" because she is trashy and acknowledges herself as one while others would beg to differ. God, it's like a king or queen being like, "I OWN YOU" or something randomly cheesy and classless...

I think i'm do my nightcap and head to bed...please let tomorrow be a better day...

No. 299 People Have Issues

2006-05-06T19:37:00.000-07:00

People have issues, by people I really mean me, and by issues, I really just mean boredom and angst, none-teenager high school though, just ugh, life in general, like one of those days you should just make yourself a warm cup of tea, drink it, and just go to sleep...sigh

So I got my practice LSAT score back, GODDAMN PEOPLE, I always think I do good and then I do horrible, FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT MAN, seriously, I don't know what is going on and why can't I just pay someone to take it for me just like lawyers pay paralegals to do a lot of the grunt work they don't want to themselves, capitalism does not make any sense.

Um...I also found myself looking on match.com. WTF am I doing, i'm going through the "refine your search" JESUS, that is why, life in general, what am I doing, i'm bummed about the practice LSAT, then bummed to realize I don't have a man nor are any of them online remotely interesting-sorry guys, and then I realize, omg, I don't have a job post grad either, and I just spent 100 bucks on "announcements" and the whole time I am thinking, I better get some monetary return back or it will be a complete waste of 100 bucks just to tell people that "i've graduated" AGAIN, again meaning the last four years ago it was HS, and now it's college, but I'm like when you do the cost-analysis, i'm not getting married any time soon, so it doesn't even matter people, send me something because you won't have to send me a wedding gift in a really long time...nor am I giving birth any time soon either, so you don't have to send a baby gift either, just HS and college, I am going to go and eat my feelings or something...

Hi everyone, i'm a dirty pig and I live in a pig farm...

2006-05-01T19:40:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone (waves at an anonymous meeting for --), i'm a dirty pig and I live in a pig farm.

Yup , you all guessed it, i'm not an old moneyed WASPY city girl, no I really live on the farm surrounded with pigs...

No, strike that, that's wrong too, what I am referring to as well as many people probably have this problem, it's just not as horrible as mine, is the lack of closet space. That is what I say, after having two double doors that open up to reveal the smallness of my closet, it takes me 2 hours to organize my jeans alone, I finally give up. I HAVE NEVER GIVEN UP, especially at something so trivial, organizing a closet...yes, now a days, I am thinking it is WAY EASIER TO JUST MOVE, or change my bedroom into a giant closet and just sleep on a chaise lounge. Seriously, I am having the hardest time. Clothes are now everywhere, some are still in bags with tags on, some are on the ottoman, and a whole heap of them are on two chairs where it now makes it impossible to sit down, only my bed and half the floor have been rendered clothes free. I don't know how it got this way, I really don't, I mean, sure the great deals, the once in a while splurges, I don't know what to say, and No, I am not that American who didn't save a penny, in fact, I probably saved a few thousand pennies mind you, so it's not like I spend all my time like some JAP at Bergdorfs, although I really don't get the whole charm of it, just like H&M. Anyways, back to the closet, it's like I have things where, "when I go to Russia, I will have th perfect fur cap to wear in the winter time while drinking vodka and --- restaurant" or like "when I go tanning in Hawaii again, I can use this J.Lo-esque hate to shield me from the blazing sun" or like, "oh I remember these shoes I wore that one time that was so memorable even though they hurt my feet and gave me a blister" aka I am still keeping all this shit. Yes, I don't know what is wrong, I don't get it, it's like I hoard. A LOT, when I mean A LOT, not your average person a lot, like i've been known to buy two of some things because I love them so much, wait, 3 of everything and like keep it just in case that it goes out of stock and they discontinue it. Yes, I am psycho and I think I need help. I always watch those What Not To Wear shows, I wish someone could just rip me to shreds and be like, "those pants do nothing for you" and i'm quip back, "but I bought them on the trip to Caramel where I strolled through Neiman's after hours and they were so nice..." and they'll say, "you can stroll anytime, just not with those pants" as they chuck it into the bin. Yea, only if I have self-control-as I do not because once I get something in my head, I have to have it, I need it, I"ll be thinking about it none-stop, although this does not go so far as men. I don't know why, maybe men should be like my new vice, instead of clothes, it should be going after hot men-although I mean, come on, there's too much too lose and like too much work, the most work with shopping is you got ot have it, you might have to call for them to hold it, and like hand over your credit card so you can pay, the only shock like men is getting dumped, dumped every month when your bill comes, jesus, I don't like to look at my bill, it's never a pretty sight and I always think someone used free reign with it, that person wasn't a theft, that person was me, a hoarder on so many levels...and no, there is not therapy because I can't justify handing over cash to talk about my feelings, especially when that person will just say, "why do you hoarde" or "stop hoarding" and that won't be a good enough answer, isntead, I turn to you blogger, my friend, my foe, my frenemie...

LIVID I TELL YOU

2006-04-26T20:54:00.000-07:00

UGH I'M SO ANNOYED...

Two things, "I have a really nice car"-girl and "July 1-9"

UGH, lets start with people who have what they deem "nice" cars and refuse to drive them to areas they deem "unsafe" as in there are the homeless, possible druggies and drunk people...

Why would you get a car and not drive it places? It does not make sense, I remember when this one kid got a BMW 3 series and wouldn't drive it to the university because he doesn't drive it on the freeways...who does that. Then today, someone was like, yea I don't drive ot the university because "I have a really nice car..." You know what people, come on man, no one is going to steal your shit. I would park anywhere especially at a university area unless A. I drove a Bentley, Maserati, Lambo or Ferrari, any other car, yes, even a BMW 760il, Benz SL55/S600 etc I would still park in a university area and damn straight i'd park it on the street and stick one of those heinous stickers saying I paid for time to use that spot. COME ON PEOPLE? Ridculous, oh yea, A Rolls Royce would also be on the list of don't drive to places, but then again, those cars, you're not going to be driving them everyday anyways...

Second, WHAT THE HELL, my mother ALREADY missed my birthday-and no it's not because she is uber important and a nanny was like the mother I never had, and I told her that if she missed my graduation then all hell will break loose and then she implies about a significant date where I have to do something so memorable in a person's life and my parents are invited too, and she almost implied that we all go to Boston and jet back, and I was livid I tell you, what the fuck, Loved to go to Boston, but no, I can't, because I have made a committment and that is that, and so have they...come on. It's like telling the President or Donald Trump that you can't make that meeting even though you like scheduled it a year in advance because you want to do a quick impromptu trip to Boston to like throw tea overboard whatever boat or something, dear god come on and also, I am done with my undergraduate career at a public university, I do not need to go to the East Coast and not even NYC to look at giantic manors and private schools for the well off who are probably wearing rugby shirts, coach bags, and designer jeans with a signature baseball cap from their alma mater. Seriously people, that would have been AMAZING whilst in HS, but not after getting a Bachelors. Unless I was going there to meet my boyfriend who is finishing up his bachelors...

No. 298 B Everything Continued:

2006-04-20T16:23:00.000-07:00

Oh, two more things, so I realized the reason why I was so on edge the day President Hu came around, could it be that the US views China as a threat, that threat was then translated into fear when the President came to visit? COuld that be why everyone was on end, hmmmm...

Oh, so why having the London conversation, I also talked about this one girl who was from HK visiting my aunt. Ok, so my mom and aunt believe that in HK, there are no fat people, also logically, fat people don't have boyfriends/girlfriends, because they are fat, which correlates to their ugliness. This girl was from HK, she was short, and she was FAT ANDDDDDDDD she had a boyfriend, yes, to my mother's utter amazement. Then my dad was like, "Who says that, that's not true" as probably trying to reject images of him and his fatness throughout his life until now or either to be like, "daughter, I can't believe you think that way" but in a sense, no one wants the fat one right, unless you're Indian, but I mean, come on, in today's culture, everyone wants the skinny one not the ugly one...

No. 298 Everything

2006-04-19T22:50:00.000-07:00

It feels like I really need to blog because there are so many things on my mind, a first in many of my feelings in a long time...

My Super Sweet Sixteen-Aaron Reid and the whiny black on black manny lover pseudo independent girl but still using dad's cash hating center piece crying genie in a bottle
Tiara Girls-"I care about my homework..."
President Hu
Bad Drivers

Aaron Reid, and I guess this can go for the Tiara Girls, I realized that all these shows are so tasteless, yet so lovely. Ok, um, Aaron Reid use to live in Atlanta and moved to Manhattan, weird, obviously not part of the hip hop dynasty from the beginning in Manhattan. Second, I hate how he says, "i'm not happy here..." like someone is suppose to move earth for that, come on, and calling your party planner to talk to your dad and having your dad yell at the party planner does not help.

Tiara girls, the dad goes, "you are not going to worry about homework" referring to how she has to concentrate on her opening comments. So, basically, you're telling the girl that she doesn't need school and that pagents are going to be like her life and she can lead a successful happy life. I don't thikn so because a. she ain't that hot b. she don't have that much personality c. I wouldn't even tell Jay Z that he should not go to college and just do his rap thing. Come on, and yea that opening comment was 30 seconds, I don't think that you need to tell your daughter that she should stop homework and focus on pagent stuff, ok, and that family is going to have issues when she can't get a legit job.

Also, the thing is that these families also the new Super Sweet Fifteen girl, they're all rich, but classless. They all have these giant houses, but they are literally in the middle of no where and just look like mass buildings of mansions, I mean, mansions are suppose to be individuals and like grandiose, they're missing elements like landscape architecture etc. and if I have to look at one more coach bag I think I will scream. God, seriously, all I see is the coach, ocassional louis vuitton and like that's it or maybe a little burberry, I mean there needs to be other stuff, and not a hermes birkin yet.

Bad drivers are all around the place and for the ugly teal car that almost hit me today, how dare you, I hope you realize what you did after my incessant honking and flashing of lights. You didn't even say, "sorry with a hand signal" and that was wrong. Karma people.

Ugh, I hate that stupid amber alert blah blah blah alert, what alert is suppose to be bad or good, i'm so confused, is orange higher than amber or is amber like the be on your toes but sitll alert or is there such a thing with red alert, I mean, I don't even know the colors. All I know is that um certain government officials couldn't get to the right location, certain officials scared the crap out of kids and old ladies by failing to FULLY STOP at a stop sign-this comes from a place where we break for ducks, not run them over, and also why couldn't they get an area for protesters instead of them spilling into the street. Jesus, I felt more on end then when President Bush came by.

Also, so watching Tiara girls, the girl didn't make top 10, she's devastated, and people tell her, "she did her bad and you didn't do anything wrong" no you didn't do anything wrong but you don' thave what it takes, one part is genes another part is luck among other things, I mean i'm not trying to be mean, but she just said she has Ds in school for pagents, come on man. Anyways, but seriously, look at your parents-parents are hot, come on man, and you don't really have a personality...even worse, and your body is hot but it ain't so hot like it needs to be more toned, that's why you didn't win, sorry, and she I guess realized that too as she says she won't be competing either.

Don't get me wrong though, I still watch all of this crap, but it's like I guess really rich classful people won't ever go on television you know, or if they do, they're kids are at least restrained or the parents aren't really on tape a lot you know. This season, everyone just is so whiny, it's like, ok, why are you so pissed about some little detail, I mean, you shouldn't be pissed for anything cuz there is nothing you can do and it's like, whatever, it's your party and just rock on you know.

Just like Paris Hilton said that she asked for a boob job and her dad said it would cheapen her image. Yes, i'm sure those Tiara girls would be like, "dad I need a boob job!!!" Dad says, "I'll call the doctor..." COME ON MAN.

Also, what is with asian ladies marry white men or different race men. Apparently the only one sthat do marry the other meat are people who are classless and just use the men as what can we say, "digging for gold..." Come on man, and the asian ladies aren't even hot and resemble maids. Is that what they want?

Ugh...then I always ask myself how some asian groups just gravitate towards each other and how is that? I mean, what makes them seem so assured and etc. So, then I overheard this conversation about how blah blah blah, "yea my dad just gave me ___ amount of money today" blah blah blah, ugh, people people people, please don't talk about money. Maybe with friends of Asian decent it's like one rich kid, some that are semi well off, and like they all hang out and talk about this stuff, I mean I really don't discuss any of this you know. And also, I don't think my dad has ever given me "money from his pocket" and doesn't just whip out 100 bills, but um, they're usually deposited in a checking account or like you use your credit card to buy things and get expensed back to the person appropriate to paying for it...Weird people, and speaking of weird...

So, apparently way back when in the summer my cousin had hinted that I can go to London and stay at her place whenever she wants. I don't even ask anymore because it's not even plausible, except that for once, being the stupid idiot that I am, got excited and thought I could go, then which my father said, yes, you can go if you get a 3.8 out of a 4.0 scale in college. Ok, I go to a school that is ranked no. 1 by some-obviously skewed, and then ranking at least top 50 if not top 37, come on man. So yea, basically that is like "no you're not going" regardless of what my dad says that upper level classes are easier, yes, 300 levels are easier and so are 200 levels, but not 100 levels, but 400 levels are on a different scale, including a professor who once said that 500 pages of reading a week is to not be alarmed. Yes, I'm not sure I can read 500 pages of reading and get a 3.8, come on man, and what the fuck, 3.5 is already A-, what is with 3.8, why don't you say 3.9-4.0. CHRIST MAN, so then he brings it back up and I said, "can you handle it" i'm not getting a 3.8, I got a 3.75, and he was like, "yea..." but I think he just said it out of a moment of weakness, I don't know WHY though, but come on, so yea, of course, being the stupid puppy that I mean, is like, "OMG do I have a chance?" At first I was like I can't go with my parents, they're old and they don't get to go places lots too, well big places and I'd love to share it wit them, but then i'm like, " no, i'm taking all the opportunities I can get." This is especially alarming because it gets really confusing when people say that they can "handle things" like education caring for someone, but excess stuff they can't handle but then Fed Ex shows up with like a good 5 figure priced thing that you can't eat, drink, play or do anything with but like stare at it, from a far and don't sneeze on it, but then it comes to a point where you like just can walk all over silk rugs with your dirty shoes on and it's ok, but then another day it's not ok to even hang your coat on a chair that rain is dropping from coat to silk rug-god for bid right, that's why, so confusing for myself, You can never win...

Speaking of winning, god, I am so skewed and I hate how some professors are so skewed. I had this prof who taught India relations. Or more specifically South East Asia relations, I should have known she was skewed because seh could only talk about India. She basically implied that India is a bigger threat than China, India is apparently smarter-literacy rate wise and they all speak more english and are richer than the Chinese. Then why does the CIA World Factbook say that China's GNP is 6,000 plus and India's is 3,000 USD. Ok...then I look at literacy rate, um, India is 59% and China is 90%. Sorry India if you were a British colony and that's why your english has an accent, which is some how important. Come on man, so yea, that class was so skewed, not that I am pro-China or Pro-US, but come on man, state the facts CORRECTLY even though they don't have a caste system or whatever, but what stops the still racial divide among people because i'm sure a rich kid wouldn't marry a poor one, it's not Romeo Juliet, and if it were, it's like one in a million. Come on man, sometimes Indians are cocky son of a bitches, I mean, it's like they work at some high-tech company and that automatically makes them the shit, but let me tell you, you are still no one in the United States. This is the land of dispoable income and hard migrant workers. Yes, that goes for you gardeners too and how in Farmingville, NC all those people feel inadequate and don't feel like they belong in the US, it's because you do, it's the stigma, it can't be erased-yet that is. Oh, and also keep in mind the prof wasn't from India.

Yea, so it got me kind of pissed, but ugh, whatever...oh and I hurt my back, I don't know how, but it's like kind of swollen and definitely hurts. Ugh, in utter pain, god damn man, is this Karma? Maybe it was fate saying I can't clean my closet and it's best to start all over...

Ugh, sleeping now....EVERYTHING better not be hateful anymore.

Weirdness (in valley girl voice)

2006-04-12T21:34:00.000-07:00

So, I was thinking about a title, then I was thinking "weirdness" as in the chain of events that happened, and I am saying it in a kind of high pitched voice with a sense of excitability...more on the valley girl voice later...

So, I have this entire list of things to do, but i'm not going to do them...weird, because if I say I want to clean my room, which I do, I will HAVE TO DO IT before I sleep, or I won't be able to sleep, but I'm thinking, "oh what the hell, i'll do it tomorrow..." Which is really weird, because i'm one of those people who doesn't do something they want to do before they go to bed, I won't sleep AT ALL. Psychotic...what is also nutty is...

I almost decided to wipe this whole thing clean. I thought I would come up with a new title, a new blog, maybe keep the address-not sure, and like get rid of all 297 actual posts with like probably 50-100 random posties like these. I couldn't believe I was thinking about it, I mean, that was scary because no only did I think about it, I was mentally going through the notions of how to delete it, like which tab, which button etc. Then I was, "no I can't..." I think the reason why I can't, is because I let the past affect me, I won't forget about the past, no matter how stupid and idiot-like I sound among other things, but it's like that chip on my shoulder, I have to carry the burden, even though it was as easy as me just deleting all these posts and never really acknowledging that I had this thing...I mean, I have to carry this chip on my shoulder, no matter what, I have to. Like some people have been known as the "fat girl" I will always remember what has happened to me through these posts...

Speaking of valley girl voices, when I was in HS, I did this play reenactment, Shakespeare on crack or something where we like spun Shakespeare's play into like a modern take or something blah blah blah like "O" and Romeo and Juliet a la Leo and Claire, but anyways, so I did my little part and the teacher had the gall to say that I had no only done it wrong, but instead I was more "valley girl" then something else...I think I was going for upbeat stupid Jessica Simpson like motif, and she called me a "valley girl..." because oh hey, I was trying to incorporate "like" into every sentences and just sound like an idiotic stupid HS rich bitch, but instead I sounded like a "valley girl..." Sigh, the days of HS my friends, such days...

Oh and is anyone else going to say that they will not be watching tv or watching the news when they will secretly be watching My Super Sweet 16 because for some reason as ADULTS, watching almost 16 year old kids have these gianormous parties seem fascinating? What is happening to the people?

No. 297 Obsession

2006-04-08T21:24:00.000-07:00

It's not just a name of the Calvin Klein fragrance, it's everywhere, and if Calvin Klein would like to give me a job at his HQ, I'd love to, but obsession is everyone. Everyone is obsessed with everything and everyone. You obsess if you hair is parted right, you obsess if you got the an equal or the bigger slice of cake, you obsess about the minute or about who is the best. Why is it human nature to be obsessed? Why can't human beings work well alone and together. Obsession stops them. Obsession can't be stopped can it, factors like money, cultural stigmas, preferences, aren't those what have made obsession? Can obsession be stopped, perhaps the answer lies in the irony of the phrase that Miss Universe uses, "world peace."

52 Things You Don't Know About Me...or Do You?

2006-04-08T00:06:00.000-07:00

52 Things You Don't Know About Me:

1. I really want a cat or a dog, but deep down I know I probably couldn't handle it per se when the cat/dog shed a single piece of fur onto my sweater or something random.
2. I wish I could have my own reality show where people worship me for being "real" and reppin' the Asian community, yes I used the world "reppin."
3. I still sleep with my blanket.
4. I love fur even though i've seen that one picture where they have apparently ripped the fur off some animal, it's really the softness and closeness to an actual domestic pet that gets me while I pet it.
5. I wish I was a boy because all I'd have to do was wear track jeans, loose fitted jeans and clothes would be the same price, but you get so much more fabric-and I wouldn't have to "accessorize."
6. I don't think I can be a fag hag because i'm too much of a girl.
7. I shop when i'm bored and not content with life.
8. I eat when I feel content with life.
9. I like to sample all different kinds of things when I eat my meals, but I hate tapas style dining.
10. I remember what you did to me no matter how much I have said that I have forgiven you-I say I forgave you, but chances are not really...
11. I like people in general, there are only a maximum of five people where if I ever saw them cross a crosswalk, I would instinctually press hard on the gas and act like I don't see them and pretend to mow them over, that dream is even better when I think about my self driving a giant black range rover black on black.
12. I don't like to scare myself, no matter how hard I try to watch scary movies it doesn't work, I'm still haunted by the first Scream-I hated when the guy kept popping out of no where.
13. I hate when people flaunt their money in front of me, especially on myspace when they fill in they make $250,000 bucks or when they take a picture of $1,000 dollars.
14. I hate it when people are pretty AND smart.
15. I am a sucker for the hot guys, but those are usually the poor ones.
16. Why aren't rich guys hot looking?
17. I don't like Beyonce.
18. I hate when people categorize myself into something, i'm not what you think.
19. I got love for my hometown, always and forever.
20. I hate the nouveau riche, they are classless and so vulgar.
21. I've only eaten in Taco Time three times in my life, twice in my hometown and once in my present city.
22. I've never been to Taco Bell.
23. I say burrito with an English accent sometimes.
24. I wonder what it would be like to be Beyonce when she's hanging out with Jay-Z in the south of France.
25. I really thought Kimora Lee Simmons and Russell Simmons were golden, one loves material possessions the other built his empire with material possessions, but remains grounded with buddhism.
26. I want to write a book, but I don't think my sentence structure is adequate enough.
27. I hate those people who are authors or artists and have been published when they're like 16-21. That's bullshit, no one is good during that age, and that girl who sells paintings for riduluous amounts of money in NYC is insane.
28. I'm always afraid i'll be poor, in a sense I have a backup plan for the most castatrophic thing that could ever happen-some unseen event leaves me incredible poor and I have to pay tuition and how I would cover that.
29. I wish my extended family wasn't on a power trip and obsessed with money.
30. I'm greatful for my past ancestors for all they have done for me, even though most times my current extended family thinks I got no love for them.
31. I recently bought 100 dollars worth of cubic zirconia Hello Kitty jewelry-I still got love for them.
32. I like to have a drink in my hand all times, it makes me feel luxe and not fidgety.
33. I wish I would go to clubs often enough to the fact that I can open my car door and just let the red ropes lift and I breeze in.
34. Clubs are boring, but getting ready is fabulous.
35. I hate when guys are overtly intentional.
36. Sometimes I wish I was “ghetto fabulous.”
37. Sometimes I wish I was a WASP.
38. When I buy myself a place, I have two requirements, a library and a room purely for all my clothes.
39. I think soda tastes the best when it comes out of a can.
40. I like all things foreign and ritzy like the Ritz and Orangina.
41. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be Posh Spice and have a stupidly hot husband.
42. I wish I could be some superstar in Hong Kong-hahaha.
43. When I wear big sunglasses, I feel like a superstar, sometimes I pair it with uggs and a juicy bag, then I feel like LA trash.
44. LA people are actually really nice.
45. San Francisco people are actually really rude.
46. George Bush isn’t THAT stupid, minus the fact that he did almost choke on a pretzel.
47. I wish I could “find someone,” but there are too many politics.
48. I’d rather have one kid and give her/him everything then have two and make them share everything-the ultimate irony of life-not being able to get whatever you want and desire.
49. I don’t need to drive a Bentley or even an S-class/7-series to be happy, but I won’t be happy driving a C-class, maybe a 3-series, but not a C-class.
50. I wish I could drive like they do in the Italian Job and have Mark Walhberg like me, even though he has a third nipple-I’ll look past that.
51. I am a sucker for a good beat and a great hook, I don’t listen to words, I only hear the beat and see how hot you are. James Blunt and his really high voice and odd looks don’t do it for me, however Jack Johnson does.
52. Did I make this stuff up or was I really being truthful from numbers 1-51?

I'm freaking out on the inside

2006-03-30T18:25:00.000-08:00

Ok, i'm blogging so much, don't know why, perhaps because I feel like I have the time or am "priortizing" this...

Ok, so all of a sudden i'm getting strangely freaked out by homeless people, "thugs," and "crazy" people in general. There are quite a few in the University area where I go to school. I wonder if Stanford has this problem? Anyways, so first incident, I grab a slice of pizza and I try to eat it quickly in the restaurant before catching my bus. Two bites in, this "crazy" homeless or really dirty man who hasn't washed or combed his hair comes in from a door that leds to the restroom...I don't know how he got there, because the restroom is for customers only, but I mean, it's shared between two restaurants (common area between) and then he just stands there, mumbles to himself for a cool 5 minutes or so, by then i'm really freaked out because i'm like "what does this dude want," so anyways, I nonchalant pick up my things and leave, as I turn around, he sits at a seat in the back of the restaurant a table away from where I was sitting and counts his change. The paranoia sunk in because the lady who runs the place is old and didn' notice him come in, the boy who works there who seems tough wasn't up front, he is standing in front of my table for like a good 5 minutes and doesn't move but mumbles to himself, I mean, eh's clearly close to me, because if he was on the other side of the restaurant, i'd be fine, but since he's in such close proximity to me, i'm easily freaked out.

Second incident, today, as this large group of like 5 guys-not large, but they are big guys who are wearing the ghetto wear as many of them appreciate-big puffy jacket, large burly men, one even holding what appears to be a drink conciled inside a paper bag (alcohol?). These 5-6 guys or whatever, just a group, hog the sidewalk and are walking up to the bus stop. They're joking around or "jonesin'" and being really loud, they do a little dance, just random stuff, but one of the dudes knows this white guy...ok, must be a normal sign as white guy is very MOD and short and scrawny, but I just got really scared, and then one of the guys tries to scam on a girl wearing stiletto heels and the girl isn't having it. Not that they would scam on me, but it just made me really uncomfortable because they were really rambuctious, so freak out, the girl leaves on the next bus has the boys holla to her that "girl is fine" and "girl got..." blah blah blah, then I get see my bus-so excited, after 5 minutes and they just hung out at the bus stop but didn't get on a bus because then they jay-walked across the street to the other bus stop. Jesus man, seriously, I mean, normally I don't get freaked out but lately I don't know what is up.

Another incident, i'm on the bus, sitting on the side seats because I have ot get off really early. Then this guy who appears normal gets on. We're about to turn, he's not holding onto anything, lands on top of a guy and the rail, says, "oh sorry man, thank god the rail caught me" and he sounded totally normal. We hit traffic on the bridge, and this guy who is standing who appears normal is psycho, sorry, "crazy" because he starts tlaking to himself and using profane language. He's standing next to me, i'm just freaking out and like what am I going to do when I have to get up and leave my seat because I don't want to touch him and what if he doesn't move? He's like also shifting his weight from side to side like he's "blocking" an imaginary person...freaky, so yea, really paranoid and other people are staring at him, and i'm secretly thinking-don't stare, I think i tmakes it worse because then they might like do something that isn't normal or might erupt because you are staring at them...

Another incident, while on the bus, the bus goes to this bus stop, and stops, and this lady passes by on the sidewalk and is yelling at everyone and using profane language. A guy who was at that bus stop says that the women really has problems and like yelled at everyone while using such vulgar language. That would freak the hell out of me, like it would seriously make me want to take another bus and go back into the building because you're at a situation where that person won't exit and it's up to you.

Ok, so call me sheltered or call me a scaredy cat or like whatever, but seriously, it really freaks me out because I don't want to be victim to what these people deem as something that they couldn't tolerate...really freaks me out man, and why are there such crazies around and why do they beg for change at a public institution versus a private one?

No. 296 Sigfried and Roy

2006-03-30T18:11:00.000-08:00

So, I was watching this documentary think about Roy Horn who was mauled by the tiger. Well, he says that he had a stroke because he has high blood pressure-believeable-not just all fat people get high blood pressure and the lion sensed something was wrong, so then Roy collapses and the lion doing what the lion presumes is the motherly thing carries him off by the neck. Sure, many lions have done this to their little lions, but never a human-I think the lion failed to realize that Roy was not a lion. The lion also was abandoned by its mother and Roy took care of it-so probably even cementing the fact that Roy was it's mommy. Oh dear, and I mean I did get kind of sad, more sad then the kid who died while being in the wrong place wrong time, maybe it's the fact that I never connected with him and he was mean that one time, I don't know, but seeing Roy, who of course knew the threat that large animals have had never had such a horrific accident for 37 years finally came to this...and I mean they're not mad at the lion, of course not right? It's called miscommunication and anyone dealing with large animals knows that this can occur, it is a shame and terrifyingly saddening, but what can you do right?

No. 295 Life Lessons and the verbial "it can happen to you"

2006-03-28T17:39:00.000-08:00

EDIT: So then I read another story from a prominent news channel, it says that SUV drove away after the accident-but then had the good faith to come back-COME ON MAN!?!

So today, I did my usual routine like every other American out there, you roll out of bed, stumble into the bathroom, drop toothpaste all over the sink until something lands on your brush and continue on through the rest of your day...until today I picked up the newspaper-usually don't read it, who cares about current events anyways-given that I am a political science major-nothing shocks me "did you say the war in Iraq is still going on and when are we pulling out..." I just don't look at it anymore, and I live in a place where news really isn't news, until today, I saw someone familiar. I say, wow, who is this person, I know him, vaguely-wasn't the best of light and to my non-shock, the kid has died, in a car accident. Not shocking in various ways:
1. We live in a community where it's very OC but think Pacific Northwest with Northface Jackets, Naglene bottles, and ipods and the requisite fast hot car.
2. The kid did not surprise me as dying in a drunk driving accident because
A. He smokes
B. He could smoke other things
C. I knew he got drunk
D. He was a prominent figure at school aka what kids call "popular"
3. The kid who was driving the car was known as the "4.0er" in HS, but he was "popular" which doesn't really imply that "all popular kids are prone to getting drunk and driving drunk"
4. The kid behind the wheel, his precious BMW was done over, given it was a 1990 and thankful that he can probably get a new one by know even though he tried to change it to an M5-very lame imho.
5. The kid who died wasn't that nice to me that is and altough he was known as "everyone's friend"
A. Given he was everyone's friend because he was a prominent figure in HS
B. He once sped past me on a one lane road going to school at like 7 in the morning because he thought I was going to slow-i'm driving at least 30-35 in a 30 mph and who wants to got to school early?
C. Odd, that he didn't join the fraternities and stayed in the dorms-either he lived in the same level as me or knew girls because I did see him often
D. Never tried to talk to me, but that doesn't really matter, it was more like his attitude, like you could tell he was one of those kind of guys who were "jerks," The kind that may help grandma into their sit but like get rough with a girl he liked

Anyways, so i'm really benevolent on this issue, but anyways, so this 22 year old rams his SUV into the guy's BMW, the SUV didn't stop for a red light and hence the accident just as the right moment the BMW was crossing the intersection. This was on Saturday at 11:30 PM. Ok, first off, 22 year old is drunk and is posting $350,000 bail, at first I thought oh two friends racing-which has happened and ended in an accident-so lame. No, this kid is from Seqium-why are you in the Pacific Northwest's OC? Anyways, so boy driving BMW is taken to hospital, both cars are full, 11 people I think? Anyways, all is fine, except one boy that dies, he just so happened to be sitting behind the driver and its' where the SUV rammed into him-pure force and very fast as the driver of SUV bent the steering wheel. Talk about being at the wrong place at the wrong time? What the hell, "it can happen to you" is so right because I mean I get the whole if you were drunk and driving then you died-ok, but I mean we don' tknow if the kid was drunk-I'm not even going to speculate, but he died because it was where the impact had occured-I mean, maybe a second more and it was near the trunk and the BMW could go into a tail spin-who knows right? But yea, and also, I mean I highly doubt the BMW ones were so intoxicated because 4.0er was driving-not that it really means much, but also it's 11:30 at night-why are you going home then? That doesn't even make sense, people get out at like 10, I don't know anyone who comes home from a night "out on the town" at 11:30? It's more like you are going to another place or an after party...it just sucks for the poor dude, I mean i'm sure he led a happy life and was always chill, but god, talk about being at the wrong place wrong time...and I bet the 22 year old boy is thinking, "holy crap I just killed a rich kid..."

Stupidity and greed are not good things.

2006-03-07T19:45:00.000-08:00

Stupidity and greed are utterly unforgiveable... Read the following article:

Sammamish man charged in scam to `steal' car, get insurance money

2006-03-03
by Noel S. Brady
Journal Reporter

Prosecutors have charged a Sammamish man and three others with insurance fraud for an alleged scheme in which they conspired to steal his $50,000 BMW so he could cash in on an insurance claim.

Charging papers say Jake Henry Schwartz, 18, masterminded the scheme to steal and strip the 2002 M3 BMW so he could collect insurance money.

Police said he planned to buy a Bentley. To do that, he hired three adults and two juveniles to help him steal the luxury car, sell its parts for cash and torch the remains, charging papers state.

Schwartz is a son of the late John Henry Schwartz, who with his brother founded Schwartz Brothers Restaurants in Bellevue in 1970. Among the company's restaurants are Daniel's Broiler, Chandler's Crabhouse and Fresh Fish Market, and Bellevue's Spazzo Mediterranean Grill, which closed in May.

Prosecutors say Jake Schwartz approached 19-year-old Brenton Bowen in April with a proposal to help him with the plan to steal the BMW, which he regularly drove but was registered to his mother.

Reached at home in Sammamish Thursday, Schwartz's mother, Pamela Schwartz, refused comment.

Both Schwartz and Bowen were students at Skyline High School at the time of the scheme.

Bowen told detectives that Schwartz first suggested he and his friends steal the car while his family was vacationing in Mexico that month. On April 14, 2005, charging papers allege, Bowen and three others attempted the theft but broke into the wrong house.

Four days later Schwartz allegedly offered $500 in addition to parts salvaged from the car if Bowen could steal it that day from the parking lot at Spazzo in downtown Bellevue. Schwartz allegedly told Bowen the driver-side door would be unlocked and keys to the BMW would be in a beverage holder inside the car.

About 9:30 p.m. that evening Bowen took the car and drove it to Snoqualmie, where four other men where waiting to strip the car of its parts and set it on fire.

Snoqualmie police foiled the alleged plot about 11:30 p.m. when an officer came upon two men and two teenage boys removing parts from a the car in a secluded area known to be a dumping ground for stolen cars.

After they were arrested, charging papers say, three of the four gave written statements to the police that the theft of the BMW was part of an insurance fraud scheme.

When police arrested Schwartz the following day, they reported he was possessing three fraudulent Washington state driver's licenses. Schwartz was booked and later released from jail.

He and three other men are expected to be arraigned in the case in coming days.

Noel Brady can be reached at noel.brady@kingcounty journal.com or 425-453-4252.

Note: you know when your scheme has gone bad when you're away in Mexico and the people break into the wrong house...gee, doesn't that raise a red flag. Note 2: when a 19 year old kids hire 3 adults and 2 other teens, that should be an instant thought of "this is going to be a bad deal." Bosses aren't suppose to be 19, nor are they suppose to be rich kids who think they know it all-chances are, they don't. Note 3: Boy, a BMW M3 is 50 grand, you need 160 for the Bentley...you don't have 3 BMW M3's and you're not even driving an SL65AMG, what makes you think you can easily upgrade to a Bentley-and security/safety reasons for why is not goign to go well with your mother. Note 4: What have you taught your son? Note 5: If you had a trust fund, this wouldn't even be an issue. Note 5: Why is your kid going to public school, and at best, not even a the best public school that money can buy aka where do you live because it's not one of the 250 towns in the US. Note 6. Jesus people, whatever happened to morals, values, and ethics...what is sad, 500 additional dollars if they could do it faster-what the fuck, 500 bucks for additional parts-whoo hoo. Note 7: If you didn't get anyone from that famous law firm who reps the majority of a big corporate monopoly, then you better savior your last breath at home. Note 8: If I ever have a son this stupid, I may decide to A: hire someone to nick him (bad, and probably wouldn't think about it unless he killed someone) B. hire a private detective to follow him around for live. C. the most realistic answer, send him away to bootcamp-forever, or at least until he's 21 or something. D. the most most most realistic answer, if he has a trust fund or in any way will have access to money, it will all be frozen. SCHEME ON THAT BITCH-and that is precisely what I would say to him.

Thinking in stream of consciousness

2006-02-17T20:38:00.000-08:00

Life Lessoned Learned, I don't feel sorry or "cry" despite what people have said when it comes to people who are weak. I don't cry because their speculated gay son isn't going to get married and it's all they fucking wanted and then died. I also don't cry because there is a speculated lesbian daughter with possible companion. I also don't cry for people who can't stand up to other people. It's not my fault they can't rectify their situation while still thinking they are the smart one and always correct. It's a two way street bitch, or excuse me, asshole. I don't cry over people who don't keep promises. In fact, I remember it forever and will never forgive you, despite what I will say and do. I'm not stupid, I know how to play the game, i'm good at it too. We can do ring around the posey for another 15 minutes or I just let you have it. I can dish it you and I can take it-not as well, but bring it on bitch. I know how to work you and if you've worked me, good for you, you got me, i'm proud and commend you for it. I don't feel sorry for people who have led a good life, by the meaning of good, it means that you weren't in the Rwandan genocide, is a person living with aids in China or Africa or part of the Dafur GENOCIDE, I YES IT, yes, I said it and what you gotta do about it, like everyone else, you're going to do nothing, and just hang out while watching multi-million dollar commercials until 10 years later and you realize that some millions died and you did nothing while sipping your light beer. I also don't say that Americans are the sole state to take action in Dafur or any other state like Congo, I say that what happened to other states? Where are you? the US of A isn't just the main state and we are not solely responsible for all the bad vibes in the world. I don't "cry" for people who have led full and happy lives. I don't cry because the only wish you didn't get was you had a gay son who won't get married, or that you have a gay son with companion. I don't cry for you, you were weak, you weren't good enough, it's Darwin at it's best. I do cry however that your son feeling patriot is now not semi there, I feel bad for that, it's what America has made you and your family, that I feel bad for, then again, you had money, you could have sent him to Canada, not my fault buddy. Furthermore, while reading this story in Time, there was this man who was a pilot of a plane and managed to save the 18 passengers by placing in airplane towards the missile in which he and the co-pilot would take the hit. I commend him in such a way that he felt like he needed to do that and saved the 18 people. Then I realized that nationalism is strong and even his wife understood and said that is what he had to do. I know soliders have to die at any time, but then I guess you weren't good enough and were to weak to realize that all President Bush wants you to do is buy the new Lexus SUV and pump some gas into it while you enjoy those tax cuts so you can "invest" more in the market, but in reality it's really means that you just spent a load of money on "ionic air purifiers" because you realized that even though you live in admidst of a forest you still think the air could be purer-could it be the SUV that is doing the damage or the fact that you threw away your McD's wrapper on the ground while clutching your Frappa from Starbucks in your accrylic nailed hands. Just like yes, the tradegdy of Rwanda, Dafur, you know they are the poor people, even Hurricane Katrina because the smart people already left, long ago. You were weak, you weren't good enough and you suffered the consequences. But I will never "cry" over something that is devastating when I feel no sympathy for you besides the fact that you feel sympathy for yourself. I won't cry if you commit suicide and I won't say it was the easy way out, it was what you had to do, and no one can stop you-regardless of what people think, suicide is either a sign of help or either you do it and get it done, if you do it and get it done, I commend you, if you need help and that was the sign and you "recognize" you need help, I will help, but other then that, there is no sympathy in this world, perhaps that's why I am an only child and the only battles I have is emotionally and mentally. That Asian Celeb was right, it's the kids who don't say much you have to worry about, those are the ones with the truth problem.

You are a failure, jutst admit it, maybe you shouldn't have kids and used abortion

2006-02-16T16:59:00.000-08:00

Ok, so today, I just went downstairs to talk to my dad, socialize if you will, I walked by his tables and he had like a dab of paint on a thin sheet of paper and it blew up and landed onto his drawing table and almost onto his canvas. He was furious, so normally you would run, which I did, and then he says in Chinese which is the equivalent of "I would have sliced you open" as in he would have slicked me open and cooked me up to use in soup, all this comes while he says, "what is your plan b if you don't get into law school" all the way I have this hypothesis saying that if you aren't good enough you aren't good enough and there is nothing you can do about it, aka Michelle Kwan, there's nothing you can do, even if you were really wanting it you could taste it, you just aren't good enough. That's why sometimes I hate my dad, I hate him because he some how managed to beat the system and retire at 55, not hate, I feel annoyed, I take it back. I feel annoyed that he says, "no if you try then it is good enough" well sometimes 'IT'S FUCKING NOT." He then says, well you have to go to graduate school, what would you do? Well there are tons of schools etc. and i'm not just going to get a masters just to get one. There's Masters of Global Affairs, Masters of Political Science, Masters of Public Policy, I mean, I don't want to get get a master's cuz "oh shit I should have one right?" Because that would be stupid. So since i'm not good enough, maybe you should have thought about that before having kids, or an accident like me, it's called abortion and you should have used it, in fact you A. should have made sure I wasn't a girl B. you should have made sure I had enough brain cells and C. you should have looked at yourself and your wife and someone could foresee whether your child would be smarter or stupid? Those were your own faults, now you are left with "Someone that isn't good enough" just like how some things can't be sold for 5,000 even though you claim they can be, just like some people says that you have money and you can buy a car, damn right all in cash right, but there still isn't a car you want with all the options and you refuse to order one so doesn't that make you not good enough in the sense that you don' thave all the money in the world or you wouldn't fucking care about how you don't want the damn heated seats. I relish for the day when I am literally stuck in the middle of no where on mile marker no. 189 from some god forsaken town and have to say, "your car, some 25+ years, not even your car that you bought but your wife's car has died" and like you can't be mad at the car because well it's ancient, so then you will freak out, have to buy a car right away and then pay some prosperous amount over that because you needed one right away and am forced to have the heated seats, so then you will forever hate the car and realize that they screwed you over when in reality they didn't, they took advantage of you, because you weren't good enough.

I was watching this Asian tv, Scoop about celebs and this one guy was like, "yea i'm not partial to kids but I wouldn'tmind this one." He was holding on in his arms and it like said everything, even about how much money he wanted to make next. I realized that the problem children are the ones that don't say anything, the ones that are mute and quiet, they have the deepest repercussions. That's why they have issues. I realized the boisterous kids are less prone to this, I mean, they have someone to confide in, something I never had. Boisterorsity usually comes with more kids in one family. I realize the cliches they say are true, like they have each other or whatever. At least they can talk to each other and like express what they need or feel or whatever. Me, I have no one, that's why, une fille unique is not just a blessing, it is a curse in many ways. I wish I could say I have people to lean on to say things, but I really don't, maybe it's that paranoid part of me or the part of me that knows people don't care, or they don't want to hear it, because remember people, i'm that rich girl who didn't suffer, that's what they see, that's what I am in all my gluttony. Gluttony hides things people, that is the life lesson learned.

WHAT THE FUCK ....IS SHE WEARING?

2006-02-12T15:58:00.000-08:00

I am in the process of cleaning my closet. By cleaning my closet, it means that I started around 2ish and only managed to get one drawer clean and my jewelry together. I still have three drawers to go and my actual closet...sigh sigh sigh but in the mean time, I find myself wearing a traditional tennis skirt over yoga pants, rocking out to the Pussy Cat Dolls while i'm blinged out with a 13 carat cubic zirconia purple diamond and bling on my finger tips-I don't even know what label I am in, because a part of my nails screams white trash while the other part screams Posh Spice sans the black spandex/vinyl/pleather black catsuit...why is this my life and i'm so greatful no one can see me through my window or i'd really have the paparazzi clicking away. Why you ask, probably to put me in the "WHAT THE FUCK" category, oh and i'm also wearing a oversized Tommy shirt and a Lauren by Ralph Lauren red sportswear tank over it...hahahaha, I need a camera. Back to cleaning...I hope I get done before dinner...

WHY AM I LOOKING AT WEDDING DRESSES diesdiesdies

2006-02-01T22:34:00.000-08:00

WHY AM I LOOKING AT WEDDING DRESSES AND RATIONALIZING WHICH ONES ARE BETTER...JESUS...WHERE ARE THE MEN, strike that i'm only 21, I need to be #1 Single, Single in the City, at least until i'm 28 and then we've been dating for two years and get engaged at 30 and married by 31 or wahtever, have kids by 37, and watch-this isn't going to happen-to me that is, but to someone else...sigh...

Why why why, it'slike hello, don't even have a boyfriend, I don't have a joint dog, or joint apartment/house...sigh sigh sigh...diesdiesdies

Cheap Cheap Cheap

2006-02-01T17:38:00.000-08:00

Ok...so people never believe me that my dad is cheap, he is, he's really cheap, we don't even make sense in our cheapness because yes he's prone to nice things a la $125 shirts, but he like won't do something that is potentially life threatening aka fix the deck because one day a giant squirrel will come and rip off the other part of the missing wood piece and the deck will literally fall from its suspension and like crash to the ground...so annoying...so basically the deck is 8 if not older years, we bought the house 8 years ago-the deck had to be reinforced, not the wood just got soft or is rotting I don't know, but it's like bendable and so this Uncle guy comes because he is a smoker, stepped on it and it kind of like disintegrated after my dad painstakenly put hours into putting plaster-yes plaster outside all over the pieces of wood with missing pieces of wood...sigh and then I tell me, it can't cost more the $10,000 and he's like in practically a yelling voice, "OH DON'T BE SO SURE" like yes, the small deck is going to cost $10,000 fucking dollars, come on man, but of course he can't get it fixed because we have to buy a new car and I have to go to law school in the wee future although he had already anticpated I going to law school like a long time ago, probably when I was 10 and i'm even taking a year off, leaving him ample time for the interest to go and he has always stated that he has money for me to go to college, but not to buy a birkin bag (he never said the birkin part, but obviously implied) and that um...hello, you know the house needs repairs...it's like normal hence why ou bought a house...god damn he is cheap. Jesus, but yea, and the car thing, he's known he has to buy a car 8 years ago and now really can't take it because the cars are like a quarter century old and he's so fearful one day sans cell phone he will get deserted someone and unable to get home, but he can't yell at the cars because they were old, and he has also put aside money for that and we even sold real estate and let it build up interest in an account so that he could buy the car, so it wasn't even like he took it from his chunk of whatever money...god, he is so cheap, word of advice kids, when you return early, like a whole 9 years early, this is what happens, you live longer and you get so paranoid that you're going to be poor all the time so you like don't fix decks, don't get cars, and like other various things...so yes, what I suspect is one day his foot will go completely through one of those pieces of wood, he'll deem the deck is unsafe, then not permit anyone to go out on it, and then he won't fix it until like one day some random squirrel sits on the deck or either his beloved pieces of like plants, flowers or random artifact pots will go through the wood because it is so week, smash to its demise onto the ground and then not only will be he out of the alledged $10,000, but of the priceless pieces of crap (I mean ceramics) that he had pain stakenly made and like put out there, or rather yet, the indigenous people have made and like he bought forexorbiant amounts of money probably not seen by those indigenous people. Roughly, I don't see how someone could charge more the $7,500 to do because I don't think materials will cost that much and also I mean, I saw someone do a deck that took them "12 man hours" and so I think that if they had two people doing 12 man hours so equal to 24 man hours, the deck would be done, it's easy peesy, but yea, for my dad, it could probably cost as much as a new car-some $60,000 and then he'll probably ask my mom, "do you want a new car or a new deck..." So freaking retarded and I don't think Home Depot could charge you $60,000 for a new deck when your house is not even that big and the deck doesn't even wrap around the house for christ sakes...one day squirrel-meet your demise

No. 294 You're not good enough

2006-01-27T20:35:00.000-08:00

So, I just had another cry fest. It's stupid in the eyes of an audience, but to me it makes perfect sense. So, i'm faced with this "you're not good enough..." It's true though, why do people do this, they say, "you can try, try and you will succeed and you can do whatever..." Ok, the thing is, i'm 21, i'm not 12. I'm being realistic, sometimes you are not good enough. It's like, Hilary Rodham Clinton regardless of being the initials HRC or HC, she won't be president people. It's not going to happen, I mean, she's not good enough, she's good, but she's still not good enough you know. There are lots of things where you try and you might not be good enough...such as you want to be Andy Roddick, but you can't...because you probably aren't going to be as good as him because your peak is suppose to be at 21 and you are not starting to play. Just like a certain someone who says "look at me I turned out find, it was hard, blah blah blah, I tried and I succeed..." And I'm thinking, I don't think you are good enough, because sure, you came to a far off land while 19, you went to college-FAILED, did real estate FAILED-GOT FIRED because you did this normal deal that was legit and non-legit in the same way, slight wrongdoing on behalf of both parts but you got the big F word while your boss didn't, so yea, were you good enough-no you weren't, because you tried college and failed, you weren't good enough for college, you tried your real estate deal-a deal that semi went bad and you weren't good enough, your boss didn't take the blame for it and instead you got the boot? How are you some how "good enough?" I don't see it...just like some things like I'd love to be the General Secretariat of the UN, will I be that person, most likely no. Regardless of how if you try that you will make it. I mean I went to this function where the guy said that he is on contract and can be fired at any moment. People ask him if he is fearful of losing his job, he says no because "there is always a market for good people" which I believe,b ut there is another thing I believe, "sometimes you aren't good enough" just like I fool myself that my HS GPA was fabulous with a medicore SAT, I still couldn't get into an ivy league, but I like try to fool myself into thinking that I can when in reality it's not going to happen. I mean it's one thing to tell a 12 year old you can do anything you want, but it's another to try to say you can when you're 21 and we're talking realistically. Just like there was this one story about a girl, if she got a perfect score on her MCAT, her dad would buy her a mustang. Ok, you have to be good enough to like be able to do that because you can't just study your butt off and can a perfect score, she was one off, but I mean, she was there regardless, like she probably had to kick like massive ass and like study well, but it wasn't like she was scoring a 0-5 then somehow managed to get the 39 out of 40, I mean, you have to be good enough. It's preposterous but of course whenever i'm uncertain or scared about things, I do what little kids too, I cry about it, only in the comfort of my own home and my family...but not in public. Like, if I didn't get a job, I don't think i'd cry about it because i'd think about the next job interview I would get you know...I wouldn't dwell on it and i'd just say we were a perfect fit. But in my own home, I mean, you get scared or unsure you start to feel sad and I cry, but of course people say you should have confidence, no confidence is when you have a degree with Harvard, confidence is an ego, an ego is confidence because you know you are hot shit and that's it. I guess it's something that I was never taught, I mean I have balls, but like notn all the time you know, there are certain things that balls can't even handle, uncertainty in life...that is the issue. I mean I know i'm one of those "good people" but it's also about patience-lacking, confidence-lacking, connections-lacking...Like I don't think you're good enough if all you want is Louis Vuitton bags and you like can only afford one, or the fact that you're obviously not good enough wne you waited less then 100 pounds when you were young and are like practically at 40% heavier but still teh same height...I don't think you're good enough when all you want to do is travel but like you are too cheap to go, hence you didn't make enough money to do the things you are-because you couldn't and obviously you aren't good enough. So, I don't know how this whole "you're not good enough" ideal that I have isn't true, because frankly I don't see how it isn't true and i'm being realistic. I never said that I want to be the first female president, but I want a legitimate job that like fair to me and give me enough money to make me feel good enough while making me feel like I make a difference. Someone told me that in the beginning I should let people walk all over me and like do extra stuff because in the end it will pay off-yea what if it fucking doesn't and then I don't get a raise, and when I ask for one they boot me out? In that sense, I wasn't good enough for them and then in that sense, I failed because I failed to see what a horrible job that was and am screwed out of the however months-years that I spent on that job being the push over, the easy one, the pliable stereotype...so yea, sometimes you just aren't good enough and I don't know what someone could tell me or convince me of how that isn't true. Also, so yea, amazingly in both of my families a daugher died, natural causes or rather they couldn't battle the disease, cancer, sickness whatever they had. Isn't that a case of "you're not good enough" because i'm sure they tried to live, because they managed to live until their at least young adult years, but I don't understand how that can't be a "you're not good enough" to be the surivival of the fittest because i'm sure they would argue if they were a live that 'they tried their hardest to stay alive" but they died, they weren't good enough, they couldn't make it...so tell me, how can you're not good enough not exist and it isn't true...you tell me that some higher being...

I think I had my first dream in a really long time

2006-01-19T15:01:00.000-08:00

It was like the strangest thing ever, ok, it's weird, I say I don't dream because really, I don't dream, i'm one of those people who goes to bed and then just falls a sleep and the next thing I know I am await. I don't dream or have scary nightmares. Well, one time I did while I was a really small child and I remember standing on my bed yelling for my mom and in a really big sweat, then it was over and I didn't know what was so scary, but this time, I had this dream, strangely erotic and strangely kind of scary in the same way it is muy caliente hot. Ok, so i'm obsessed with South Beach now. It's my new favorite show where it's so much better then the OC. It's got semi hot boys, shirtless no doubt, the surf, sand, the essence of what life should be like, the muy caliente "it" factor of South Beach. I mean the OC was close if not first, but it's a little too indie, a little to Chanel and Marc Jacobs you know, I needed a little Gucci Armani Italian vulgar nouveau riche and banana hammocks you know-sans image of Governor lady man Arnold, think Ricky Martin on beach with unidentified equally hot male companion-think what you wish, very metro but not homo in my opinion, and what would the buddhist say right? Ok, so back to the dream, it was the strangest thing ever, I swear...so so my dreams don't make sense, but let me explain the general feel, so basically i'm in Hawaii-not my fave place don't know why, but I know it was Hawaii because we're like driving around the stripe of Waikiki and in of all things, a giant Hummer, like beyond big, very American, very big, very tough, very symbolic, next to me is like this giant beef of a man, and for some reason we're romantically involved, like all of a sudden I am this trailer trash-y nouveau riche old money rich girl who is like married to some WWE guy and we're like totally in love and the attraction is so there, it's so weird, while all my friends and acquitances I see love him and think omg he's so ugh...big, but can't see why i'm with him and then we just leave, it's so strange, like his idea of telling someone to move their car was just to push it out of the way with his massive Hummer, and I mean we weren't doing it by any means, we were just together, I felt protected and in this strange way was like, "omg, i'm dating/married that." It was the end of the story, but anyways, felt this strange attraction to someone that looks like a WWE guy but not as scary and more teddy bear but equally as huge. God it was freaky. So I was thinking, I mean everyone wants to date Vin Diesel, but it doesn't mean I'm gonig to marry the guy right? Everyone wants a Vin or a Brad-at one point i'm still undecided now, but I mean, in terms of marrying, everyone wants the Ryan Philippe? He's like perfect, looks good in hip hop and looks good all studious while looking good in "the power suit" which I don't think looks good on any WWE person, well maybe one, but not a lot...yea but it was this strange dream because this guy was semi scary by how big he was but some how I still liked/loved him...it was just weird, cuz I mean when you think you're going to have an erotic dream, it may as well been with someone hot and hotter not just someone scary and turning hotter by how big he is...

No. 293 The unglamouristy of Time magazine's "Between Two Worlds"

2006-01-16T19:31:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I just finished reading this article in Time called "Between Two Worlds." I wasn't impressed because I don't know, maybe it's like Time magazine like the other news magazines are the type of magazines to do learn about news on the surface. This article was nothing. It has no meaning besides touching the surface of being an Asian-American. They talk about the hypen, the quota, the general thing like model minorities, working in restaurants, etc. In the end they say how lonely that each and everyone one of them are, but most of them aren't though. The fact is, they all seem to have a life. One is married and has a child, another is a teacher and has people who look up to him, another is going to be a therapist after finding out she couldn't find anyone who understood herself. They also talk about how they lived in suburbia and therefore was more secluded, although it's really, "because you could get out of the ghetto your parents gave you something more." They talk about the enviable hatred of parents and Asianess and now the love and "born again" Asians they are, while the writers say that they too are Asian Americans and quote Amy Tan and Chang Rae Lee. Yes, so what, what is the big deal? I don't know, but I mean, I think especially given that the authors are Asian Americans, you think they would touch base with more, also given the fact that they had 6 other Asian Americans talking for 3 hours about their struggles and tribulations, you think they could bring something more to the table, something less surface, something less skimming, something more real, something pure, something that puts a new spin to the "plight of being Asian American." It was just disappointing because in the end, you knew that all those kids were happy, even though they didn't have "asian friends" but in the end, they all turned out well, they found ther Asian side and their American side or either they are faking it for the people. They all seem successful, all seem like they don't struggle anymore, they all seem perfectly find and without any attribution to any of the things that their parents probably had to fight and work hard for. They just all think it's so hilarious that oh yea, they had to fight to go to prom and that they never celebrated Christmas. So normal and so nominal. You know, it just kind of saddens me because I know there are these "other" Asian Americans out there, those that struggle with finding jobs (not because they are losers or not the model minority) but wanting to find jobs that are meaning for themselves, relationships-lack and fullness of them, the relaity of not having anyone to lean on and how hard that was. Also, they just talk about discrimination and I wonder how do they feel about it now? Yes, no one says, "my yellow friend" anymore, but there is this thing, this myth of Asians-model minority anyone? Submission anyone? Delicate, unmasculine, tea drinking, scheming, mafia style? In a sense people, this is what i'm looking for an an article:

a story about a young girl and a young boy. I want the comparison, but I want the story of how they don't get along with Asians or Americans. The issue: you're too rich for Asians, you're too rich for Americans. You're not Asian enough. You're not American enough. Where is their story? That is the story I want, that is the story I want to read about. I don't want to read about the stereotypical quotas, all white friends, resenting parents, any of that. I want to hear the stories of the Rich Asian Americans who never felt they fit into either cultures. The young girl/boy who spent 10,000 USD on a dinner (very Asian) while spending another 1,000 on that Gucci bag/Gucci croc loafers? Whatever happened to the story of the Rich Gay Asian American? Where are you, where are your stories?

I know where you are, you are one in a million. You are the ones that protect your family and what was in your past and present. You are the silent ones. You are the stereotype, you just have money, further alienating you from the rest of America, and Asian Americans. You shuttle inbetween two worlds, your homeland and your other homeland, making you the jet setting Asian American, even further alienating you from the normal Asian Americans who balkle about working in their store or that really hard chem homework. You are the one that held court in the VIP section of some random club drinking clear drinks and dancing with that top you got from your homeland. The other Asian American, he/she is serving you drinks and is damn good looking too, but she/he wouldn't go for you, you're not on the same level. There's no getting with people who aren't on your level-what would your parents say? Is that a WASP statement or a RAAS (Rich Asian American Statement)?

I'm balanced, when I think I'm always tilted

2006-01-15T19:43:00.000-08:00

You Have A Type A- Personality

A-

You are one of the most balanced people around
Motivated and focused, you are good at getting what you want
You rule at success, but success doesn't rule you.

When it's playtime, you really know how to kick back
Whether it's hanging out with friends or doing something you love!
You live life to the fullest - encorporating the best of both worlds

Do You Have a Type A Personality?

So, is this really the truth or is it like how I know how I should answer and do it....

No. 292 Intervention

2006-01-08T23:03:00.000-08:00

So, i'm watching this show about how they do interventions with people who have addictions of various kinds. I was drawn strangely to the show due to one gay mormon male who was molested and loves meth and group sex while another girl, so sweet and not fat, not toned, but like not fat is purging as they say...so both these people agree to be on teh show fine, then they do that whole intervention thing on them. Ok, the gay man, not really that interested and he'll probably won't be sober and later on tested hiv positive therefore making him probably even more "directionless" as well coupled with teh fact that his dad committed suicide when he was 2. Ok, but the girl, the girl is interesting. Loves to show the legs, but won't have sex because she thinks she fat. Eats a lot and does this whole like orchestrated keeps bags in her closet to vomit in, stores them behind a chest, then once a week throws up all out (14-21 bags-jesus christ right?) not in her own dumpster, but in an open on in like this box she has. Like, she puts the vomit bags in a big trash bag then in the box then puts it in the dumpster. Well orchestrated and she thought she was going to her grandmother's house (safe house right?) where intervention ensues where husband says he wants "normal life" and how "she can't have kids because he wouldn't trust her with them" but like in a nice way, the poor guy is probably like, "jesus i've never thought i'd have a girl who throwsup on a regular balance and just thought she liked to eat" type of guy who seemed all teddy bear ish, but god, so not the case, like he was a good guy, but in terms of if I was the wife i'd don't think i'd take it well not to mention that he says the sex life is non-existence and she says, "yea, cuz I think i'm fat..." Anyways, in the end, these two people who were intervened decide to get treatment then later on they say that they have been sober or didn't purge since like blah blah blah date or wahtever...my question is, yea right, not to be cynical but I find that or at least in many cases, "interventions don't work" you have to realize your own problems and sure, you can tell someone you haven't done it but I mean i'm sure you have, like at least once. I mean it's not foolproof and those people who say that they haven't had a drink in like 30 years or whatever, that is bull cuz i'm sure you would have had at least one setback, but anyways, that's not the point, but the fact is that girl like hid it so well that i'm sure she could do it again and I mean whose to say right? The poor husband is like, "I use to help her hide it" and stuff, I mean, what makes you think that she won't do it now and she won't do it later. She is like so indept at doing it where she says she won't do it in the toilet just in case one day it gets backed up. HELLO...I think purging, not eating, wahtever, smoking, addiction, it's like one of those things where you realize you have a problem and you change it, but lots of us don't have strong willpower and then it's all over, it's called "falling off the wagon" and I mean, it probably comes down to stigmas and cultural norms, like these people thought it was going to do meth cuz when the guy said, "if you haven't done meth, you haven't come out of the closet" or the girl, I mean, she's been purging a lot because I don't think she just did it when she got married, so I mean, it's been a long time and she even said she "felt like she was going to have a heart attack" -a sign of purging and it's badness, so i'm like, she done it a lot and thought it was ok or didn't care but needed to do it, what is going to stop her from doing it. It's like one of those ideals like racism doesn't occur, but we all know it does, "color blind racism" anyone? Seriously, it's like someone was telling me about how in us Americans are so racists and blah blah blah and we're so embarassing while someone was saying how UK people are equally as racist and all about the class system. Who is calling the kettle black now or whatever cliche (add here). It's like one of those things, you always blame someone else but whne it comes to change, you say sure why not, but you know it's not going to happen. Like the whole time she's at the intervention because she was going to her grandmother's for breakfast, she was probably thinking how long will it take for her to go home so she can throw it up and i'm sure they probably set her off on the plane with at least something to eat or what about on the plane-is there food, did she purge that up because probably she did? Just like the gay man and finally he said he would go and then went to pack his bags, do you think he packed his meth thing with him, probably not because they knew he would take it away, I mean, come on now right? Also, I hate watching these shows because I think there's a difference between reality tv and then reality tv that takes advantages of people even though they think they're trying to help, but some how I got suckered in, I think it was really about the mormon good son whose dad committed suicide when he was 2, molested by two babysitters, then realized he was gay sometime in college, went to CA, felt that he had his "people" and now become a homeless drug addict as mom lives with step dad in some adobe house in Arizona. You can't make up a story like that, seriously...

No. 291 Filial Piety

2006-01-04T21:24:00.000-08:00

So, I just watched a part of this movie on those like educational channels, K something, anyways, it was called Daughter of something...ok, the jist, daughter that was set to the US comes back to "visit" in the Vietnam and see the family again. Girl don't speak Viet anymore and doesn't really get the whole Viet culture...

I don't know what the girl was thinking when she was going back. Like she seemed really dense and all Midwestern like "i'm just gonna go home to see me moms and sis and bros and then we'll all goonna be "reunited" and just like hang out and you know laugh about" and i'm going to get people to stop drinking so much and not to smoke because I am promoting no smoking and other things...whatever, you aren't the freaking church whatever.

Main rant: ok, so she gets there, and the they say that the Vietnamese are really straight forward about money...no, it's really like they're so freaking poor and the ring that you on is like worth their entire salary for the month. No i'm not joking, because these people, while I do know other Viets that are less you know, but these people, live with a mud floor and don't wear shoes ok...seriously.

She's like, "wow they do live differently, i'm not sure I could live like this" as she points to the whole where you pee. Gee, then she gets so pissed that her 5 siblings ask if there is anyway that mom can go back to the US or to give monthly stipend. She says, "I AM SO ANGRY, I CAN"T BELIEVE THIS, I AM OFFENDED" OMG, you aren't even asian and you don't even get it, like hello, no, u aren't even asian, u're not even human, I take that back, because i'm sure if anyone like went and saw how they live-obviously not in luxury, that why would you be offended if they asked for money. I mean, hello, they know the US is like core country and they're on the periphery, I don't know if anyone else does not know that, who doesn't nowadays? God, I can't believe it, I mean anyone who sees that someone is in a state of badness would try to assist, instead, she says she can't bring the mom (understandable as American daughter) but can't even do money either, like hello, the ring alone is all it's worth, then she's like, "i wish i never came..." as she's bawling and screaming how mean they are and angry she is..." One word for her, maybe you should have studied the country and culture because you are Vietnamese and should have like figured this out before goign there and I can't believe no one told her either because she isn't half half, she's fully and did live there at one point then went to the US. GOD, DISLUSSIONAL AND BAD CHARACTER PLACEMENT, SHOULD HAVE FOUND SOMEONE DIFFERENT, LIKE SHE PROBABLY got paid in donuts cuz she'd seem to be like that..whatever is all I have to say to that girl and she should wake up to reality because it isn't all about you getting your nails done and hair cut and wearing your bad leggings circa the 80s.

Could this happen to you?

2005-12-13T19:03:00.000-08:00

This is why I am so grateful that I don't live in a world in the periphery...namely because I love to keep my bag open, I walk around like i'm clumsy and I sometimes try to emulate that whole MK dumpster chic action minus huge drapery tittering a bout...imagine
******
A group of men (around six to eight), keeping the appearance of not knowing each other, will board a bus (most likely the ones who "terminal" or wait for the bus to fill up with passengers). They'll sit in different seats, two near the front, the rest in the middle and back. Or if the bus is full, they'll cluster in a group in the middle or near the front of the aisle (I think to make their escape quicker).
One of them near the front will tell their victim they dropped a coin or key on the victim's seat or on the floor near the victim. The whole purpose is to get the victim to the aisle, so they normally choose those seated nearest the aisle. Once the victim is in the aisle, suddenly the other members pretend they boarded the wrong bus, or forgot something, so there's a sudden rush of people squeezing into the aisle and past the victim. In the confusion, they'll snatch mobile phones, cash, anything they can get, actually. Then they'll quickly exit the bus and catch another ride to escape.
***
I keep thinking of someone to blame. The police? The government? Poverty? How does one stop crime if it's as common as this already? The other alternative, to be more aware and to blow the whistle on such acts, and to help victims of these things, is far less neater choice. And I'm afraid of it. But isn't that the right thing to do?

And to say we American's are damn lucky for what we have-ok, let me semi rephrase, us Suburban middle income American's because i'm not sure what it would be like to live in a "ghetto" where "drivebys happen all the time" and we're not talking about Malibu's Most Wanted...

LB and "THE LIFE"

2005-11-19T19:22:00.000-08:00

OH the days go by so fast...

You know, ok, maybe this will sound so bad in the future, but I was reading "pink is the new blog" and they were talking about Zack, this guy who is friends with Lo from LB and then OMG, he knows this girl that was a grade younger then my in HS and that goes to UCSB now. So weird, but I guess it figures, she seemed like a right match as a friend for him, but that brought me back to those days of HS. You know, the days of hanging out, shopping a lot, back then I didn't have quite as much clout as I did, or more like when you shop with friends you're no a mission, you just want to look cute and chat with them. Yea, it totally brought me back to the days of tanning, abercrombing it out, and just looking all LB, now a days, god no one does, not even the sorority girls, i'm really disappointed. But anyway, reading this guy's lj then I had seen him on myspace, yea, it seems like he has the live, it's so fab, you lay in the beach, work at a cool store, and a part of me is like, that would be so much fun to just have to worry about looking out and like hanging out because god forbid if I worked at a mall store or tanned until I was orange...but yea, it totally brought me back to those carefree days of always wearing white, not breaking a sweat walking to class, being glam while sashaying down the hallways, ok, fine I did that on my own and alone most of the times, but anyways, it was damn fun and now I look at how i'm graduating from college-CHRIST MAN, and that I have to get a job and wondering if there is life after not being a lawyer-although I can't picture myself not being a lawyer...a part of me wants to do like a ton of work, get mass amounts of money, and then just do pro bono work later. Help those "innocent" people, but anyways, yea I miss my days of like hanging out, just chilling, dressing up, getting ready, cruising in the car, it's like life's gotten too complicated where we don't do that anymore...sigh...and i'm going back to work on my 10 page paper. Yea, it seems like nothing besides teh fact it's due Tues and i've got a page...

I love the whole "california" vibe, but i'm sure i'd enjoy the NYC vibe too if it was offered to me minus the fact that I hate wearing coats, like I only enjoy a full puffy coat in full length with a massive fur hood or either i'm like, let's do away with coats because it just adds bulk and i'm already bulky, although it doesn't stop me from wearing puffy coats and vests, for some reason I like to think I am in hiding when I wear the puffers.

Symetricality

2005-11-15T14:17:00.000-08:00

"CELLPHONES really are like the new cigarettes, 'cause they're annoying to everyone around you and they give you cancer. That's why I try to balance my usage on each ear evenly, because I want my tumor to grow symmetrically" — comedian Barry Weintraub at the Borgata in Atlantic City.

Thank you nypost.com for making my day!

LB, Foot binding, People who get too intimate

2005-11-14T22:24:00.000-08:00

LB

Ok, kind of sad and why don't they make the a show about LC, because it's really the only one I love. Now it seems that LB is really drama filled and not reality tv filled, oh I don't know, but I am a sucker and Yes, I will be watching it. Don't even doubt me. I'm also not sad because me and my friend love The Gastineau Girls, so yea, i'm looking forward to that too. AND THE TRL GUY CALLED LC LAUREN, WHAT? OMG NEW SHOW WITH LC, HAHAHAHA, I AM GOD, LOVES HER. I CAN"T BELIEVE IT, and everyone says they love Kristin, sure...

Foot binding

So, I wouldn't want a 5 inch foot, that's probably why I wear a lot of pumas and like an occasional slip on. Sad I know, but yea, in a way people ask do I value fashion over comfort etc...In a way, I could be uber feminist and be like, " due to my ancestors anguish, I am not wearing restrictive footwear." HAHAHA, I like my comfort, but it's also got to have some fashion too.

YOu know those people who get too intimate. I enjoy my space. Like, when i'm sitting in a chair, preferrably, I'd enjoy it if you didn't touch me. I mean there's a difference between people I know who touch me and people I don't know doing it. So, it's like, if you're on the bus, "no, no matter how hot you are unless you are like a major celeb that you can really touch or lean against me because no, I am not a teddy bear that you can lean against, NO"

OMG, Dermot is in a new movie with Sarah Jessica, I'm so excited. God this day does not get any better...muahhhahahaha. (Yes, I also have a life outside of tv).

Are we sure that our parents don't know things?

2005-11-11T23:13:00.000-08:00

You know how a lot of times you suspect your parents won't know something because they're not too "cool or hip" or just not into the scene or something. Like your parents won't know that you stashed your pot in the sock drawer or have condoms in your bedside table?

um...is it wrong that I just caught my dad looking through my Shop Etc. magazine that has Paris Hilton on the cover?

( EDIT as of 11:13PM: Also, my dad wasn't just looking at the cover and moved on. He stood there, flipped through the mag and probably proceed to find Ms. Paris for like a good 5 minutes, if it wasn't 5, it was probably at least 4)

Why oh why is my dad obsessed with the girl. My dad is old, as in, he's been retired for the last 8 years. This is not normal I think...and he does his walks around the neighborhood and sometimes at the mall when it's raining, during the Paris Hilton for Guess campaign, he kept commenting about that. Then, he asked one random day, "why is she so popular?" He failed to realize that she is a HILTON, yea even though we like stay at the hotels all the time and he even says, "Paris Hilton" not just "Paris." Oh lord, but yea, it kind of makes me wonder...just like how my dad knows that Nicole Cage is married to that Asian young girl-where does my dad find this info, he only watches Chinese tv, the 10 news channels we have and I don't think they talk about gossip issues here. He also has a perchant for Judge Judy among loving Madonna, as in "Like A Virgin Years." Yes, he too has an issue just like Guy Richie about listening to her "crap music" because he once tried the new techno whatever, I don't think he like Madonna no more. For him, it was when she got married and did that weird dessert i'm a goth indian lady then to the I love to be a geisha phase, I think that kind of lost some sort of translation for my dad...he moved on to Vanessa Mae, the violinist, and he's also accepted the fact that you really can't buy tapes anymore at Target and has to get the cd.

The heart ache and the heart break

2005-11-04T18:18:00.000-08:00

It's over...that is feeling fat, it's time to get it together.

Ok, so you know in a way I believe some people are meant to be certain things, such as short people were meant that and so were fat people. Just like some people their whole lives drives hondas and another set drives "luxury" vehicle. It's like some are destined to do well on tests like the LSAT, GRE, MCAT while some struggle to even get a number on the test. My question is, so even though you work diligently-say trying to eat right and exercise or studying mega hard, you still not as good, you never will be as good, and i'm tired of what people say to me. I'm tired of the questions..."what do you like to do," "you know you're really fat, what are you going to do about" all those questions. I can't take it anymore, so in a sense, i'm doing with the rich are doing, that ironical "I have all the money in the world to buy food, but instead i'm just not going to eat it and stare at my plate." I"m reading this blog and the blogger says that he doesn't want to be slim or slender, he wants to be SKINNY, yes the kind of skinny that people tell you that you need to "eat a sandwich." I wonder what it's like, I mean i've 21, I admit it and most of my life I was fat, the skinny years didn't even count, but at that point I Just choose not to eat and I think I should do that now. This isn't about a "disease" I have, but it's more like i'm not going ot eat bread anymore because if I do i'll eat three. It's true, today I had three pieces of bread. I use to bulk up in fatness because one day I was afraid that I would be poor and I would have no food to eat, it kind of makes sense, like when you think of bears, they hoard all their food then sleep the long winter, that's what I was doing. It's like Survivor and Richard Hatch, he was fat, felt ok because I mean he had all that fat he had stored up, so he wasn't as miserable as those skinny people who really took a beating. I tell this to certain people because these are my issues, the issue of not having enough money, but like certain racial groups who are not prone to talking to other people about certain situations and just dismissing their woes, that is the answer I got. I realized I am that way too, like sometimes i'll just dismiss someone's issues because they are petty, and in a sense outsiders may think my issue is petty, but to me, it's like a whole fucking world, to the degree that I would figure out how much a peanut butter and jelly sandwich cost me if I made it at home-yes i'd divide the price by the amount of servings etc... This is what's wrong with certain ethnic groups, like you see some love to eat and feel the ease of familyhood, some don't, I unforunately belong to the some don't part. Like, i'm sure that when our parents die, all the cousins won't ever talk to each other, we won't send each other cards because we hardly don't now unless you send one then they send one back to you and we'll all live our lives of solititude, and there will be no one to help you, that is right, no one, regardless of what people say and use to I was like, hahaha, that's wrong, people will be there, no, it's right. I think my issue though is that I feel like i'm going to settle and I don't like it, it's kind of sad because you meet those people who don't want to settle, but I realize the rational choice is to settle and inevitably the more you fight it the more you have to lose. I hate that feeling, just like I hate that feeling of people say I have to "get out..." It's not a rational decision for me because I wouldn't have a place to go, and if I do I'd just get even more sad, where am I suppose to go and no I don't enjoy convorting with people that don't see my vision. I've got major issues, it's sad because it's my last year in college and I don't want to leave, in a way, it's sad because I really regret college because I didn't learn that much, I didn't party that much, in fact, it's really a big regret, because I mean I am that type of person who is prepared to die, I could do it at any second, but the fact that if someone said, what would you like to redo, i'd say college, because i'd study more, and i'd try to get more out of my $32 per class tuition. It seems cheap, but we're tlaking per day per class. I know, I have issues, I even figure out how much each class costs me. Some people say, god, "you haven't loved anyone, isn't there a ton of things you want to do?" Yea sure, but in the end that stuff won't matter and I don't want to do anything because it all comes down to money, seriosuly, if I went traveling, we'd really talk about the money involved, not what we would see and what the experience we would get out of it. Some people say it's all in the mind and I put these issues up, and no, it's more like ok, it's a part of it, but it's more like it's what you project out, someone project the "i am better then you and I will subtly let you know it" and that makes me sad, because it's true that they are better than that person, but do you have to state that even in a subtle way...not doing what I want has in fact been a blessing because I realized if I did it, I would have just been mindlessly doing it while worrying about money. A part of me really likes to study, be on a campus, but then a part of me knows that I can't teach kids, I can't follow the life of academia because it's not going to happen and no my major doesn't make me a major figure head or a profession that no one can talk about. Maybe it's just sad for me because I am young but realize that some things I just won't be able to attain and i've settled and some people say don't settle, but they just don't get it. Like there's no way for me to do some things. you ask, well i'm sure there is a way. I tell them, ok, you know what, let me break it down, I want to do somethign I absolutely love, I want to work from 9-4, I want to be able to travel and no on red eye for the company, I want to be able to have a summer house, my ultimate goal is to drive a nice cars (yes one for winter and one for summer), I want ti all, I want to have a dog, even a cat, I want the "other half," I'd want child, i'd want to have great vacations and experiences, but is that going to happen, most likely not...truthfully, what will happen is I will get that office job, the 9-5, I won't be traveling and if I will be it won't be in airports but like driving to other job sites, most likely the nice car I will have will be just one and it'll cost me an arm and a leg for gas, insurance and then someone may hit it too, I probably won't have the cat or dog because i'll be too fearful of accidentally killing it, I probably can't find the other half because I haven't even gotten that far, i'd probably want to adopt but wouoldn't want to bring in achild in one household and probably can't afford it, i'd probably not have great vacations in a sense of going somewhere because no one would go with me and i'd just watch tv. Some say, no that's not true, it's the way the system is brought up, I was mentioning that it would be great to bring a friend to an upcoming event, this event requires overstay etc. instantly instead of a person dear to me said, "yea sure we'll see" that person, "ARE YOU KIDDING, YOU HAVE TO GET A HOTEL AND HOW ARE YOU GOING TO DO THAT AND FOOD AND GAS" so that basically sums up that whole they aren't coming, evne though it'd be fun because in reality we'd just split hotel and pay for own food and gas well if worse comes to worse we'd just drive to cars, buy this person comes from the realm of "you shouldn't give other people rides because if you get an accident they can sue you and you can go bankrupt" so that is why people, you should never take your friends in your car because god forbid that you get an accident and the sue your ass and you go broke. That is the reason why this person doesn't have stories and isn't going to be one of those people who like has great fabulous stories to tell people at parties and to their grandchildren. The heart ache the heart break...of the truth and Jordan Knight's CD isn't that bad, some reason I just felt listening to him, don't even ask me why.

No. 290 Why can't people do things for themselves?

2005-10-25T21:24:00.000-07:00

So, i'm coming to a big part of my life, it's like those forks in the road. I of course am indept at failing, I won't, and someone just said something fabulous, "if you fail, it is your ability to pick yourself up that makes you succeed" or some crap like that, I totally bought it by the way. But yea, I have never been one of those people to do that "resume building" stuff or the "I'll make stuff up because they won't check anyways" or write something that will caters to them and not for me. I'm an only child, i'm greedy, greedy for myself. Seriously, if that is what i'm getting into, I really don't want to, because I refuse to do things that are purely resume building or for stupid thing like that. I refuse to cheat myself. I mean I need to do something meaningful, especially if it gratituous. I mean, my benefits have to outweigh my costs, I am a rational person and a part of me is a moral person, I can't be unmoral and unethically because I would be unrational. Sigh...it reminds me of my own saying, "something you aren't good enough, your best just isn't good enough."

Celebrities

2005-10-10T20:57:00.000-07:00

Jay Z and Lindsay Hohan

So, I love Jay, and then I see this picture, it's him sipping a drink from a drink while poolside. The captions says, "so not gangsta." I guess it's not gangsta to sip from the straw...

Lindsay Hohan SL65 is dead again, maybe someone should tell her she should just downgrade to SL500-600 and then maybe she won't want to drive so fast, or maybe she should drive a Prius, because obviously her SL65 isn't working for her because she doesn't have ferarri driving lessons so she doesn't know how to zip in and out of traffic without causing an accident...also I love the fast that Jeremy Priven has replaced Hohan! He's so funny and I don't even think he knows it.

Randomness

2005-10-03T11:02:00.000-07:00

I quote:
" I almost told her (mother) that I had to leave the country because I was afraid i'd spread my legs for the entire professional models association of the philippines rolodex and snort colombia up one nostril."

Why can't I be motivated, I mean, not motivated to spread my legs for all of the models a la the phillippines rolo, I mean, i'm already motivated for that, but i'm doing the math-is making 33,000 the median of what my major makes really worth it? Why can't I be one of those people who just like gets up refreshed, hangs out, does some shit, ame is making money regardless, why can't I be charismatic, and dammit, why can't I just be chill with everything. Seriously, and why can't I have a life like that where all I do is drink mo and dance to fairy tunes all night long-I guess that only happens in the big three, London, NYC, and LA.

Note, some people are freaky. I am currently looking at this guy whose wearing white sunglasses very dolce like in the early 90s, some random tuorquoise jewelry and he's looking oh so how can I say, rob thomas, but without being hot and looks more like ryan seacrest (rob as in drsesing and ryan as in gayness).

Lsat woes

2005-10-01T20:39:00.000-07:00

Um...i'm in a semi panic. Ok, so i'm thinking back over my LSAT, what if I had miss blanked in my answer sheet. Ok, so I was going through, and then I was like, oh, 15 is answered already, with E, not a C-weird, cuz I mean I didn't answer it yet, but ok. So, I did 1-5 as not filled in. I filled in 6-14, then 15-19-or something then 20-26, but it was weird, cuz it was filled in, I Hope maybe I just somehow added an extra m/c, not just like I miss labeled. Because it was 4 passages. I didn't do the first one which one was 1-5, then I did the third and the fourth, and I did the second as a mini guess. so there is no way I could write it in wrong right? Anyways, whatever, overanalyzing, and it would suck if I needed to take it again because I miss wrote my answers on the sheet-that fucking sucks! Lets hope now.

Passing by THL/AR

2005-09-26T22:22:00.000-07:00

AHHHHH-I am watching Laguna Beach and Kristin and Stephen walked by my fam's building-oh, i'm semi famous by the way of the building being recognized. WHUT WHUT! For some reason I am beginning to like Kristin more, more then Alex that is...

FUCK YOU YOU BITCH

2005-09-22T23:16:00.000-07:00

I am so pissed off right now that I could like literally go outside and use the shovel we have and knock the pillars of our deck. Yes, god, I can't believe this is happening with me and I don't know what this means. I'm taking the LSAT Oct. 1, and it seems this week I have been plagued with bad luck and just bad whatever, and is it karma, I don't know because I don't recall ever doing anything bad to myself. A few instances and also it seems to be happening to other people too:

Today, at work, a boy had issues with his car and maintence and the people were being a dick about it. Today, a co-worker wore all black-she usually is trendy, colorful and vibrant. Yesterday, the people I usually buy lunch with were kind of mocking me in that type of tone where I don't appreciate it. A lady called to say that she felt disrespected because something happened..."get in line honey." This week, like the loser I am, my parents didn't come and pick me up after work, I had to wait 30 minutes later, um...we have cell phones and I don't think it's adequate to call at 3-when I get off work to tell me that you're not there yet, why can't you call earlier-it at least gives me a head up so I can make a few more dollars or do something with my time properly. A few days ago I stabbed myself really badly with the hooks on my bra, like it went into my nail bed-ow. Today, I slipped on a fucking magazine. Also today, weddings give me a headache, I fucking don't care about this shit, and as long as they have sizes 2-26, I don't give a flying fuck about what one is more appealing and no, I will not go try shit on before my LSAT. And no, I am not GOD of computers and there isn't anything "technical" that I can fucking do to make the other person opening the email figure out how to open the picture. I don't live in that vicinity and it would get me a freaking G4 and all the amentities to get me over there to fix it. People who are on diets are damn cranky, and who fucking wants to put their meat on a scale so they can weigh that it is exactly 3 oz. I don't think that works in REAL life and I do not think that you can bring a scale into a restaurant. Also, I realized I can't fix my fucking printer and have had ink on my hands for the last 2 days, to it makes me look like a dirty person-I really am not. Also, I wasted a mass amounts of q-tips and kleenex trying to fix it-it didn't work. The bread I bought at Costco freaking as this bitter shit taste to it-making all my sandwiches this week bad, why did I have to do that-I never buy bad bread. I seem to be strugglings with the LSATs. Oh, and I made chili, then when reheating and upon the repeatedly "put it on high or it won't boil" it ended up burning. So that 1 hour of cutting and chopping lead to semi burnt chili. What is worse, trying to stir the burnt shit in-WHAT THE HELL? And then, repeatedly blaming it on me, when in sense, yes, it was my fault, for listening to my elders. Having my mother tell me that Jenny Craig is really great and that she would "pay for it" as well as my aunt saying that. You know what would be fucking great and probably the reason why I won't be fat, if A. I could see a statement of the money that is used for my college fund so I wouldn't feel the need to be fucking poor, then buying the cheap blue books 15 cents compared to 30, then suffering because i'm so fucking paranoid that i'll run out of space. B. Try to get me a car, because presently I still get picked up and dropped off most of the time by my parents via work-yea, and then people aka my aunt is like he's going to take you to work, well yea, because I live with rich people and rich people drive cars, so there are no buses, so yea, he will still drive me. Oh yea and I saw this article for a Ford Focus, 3,888 bucks right, of course my father would balk at getting a ford focus. He is poor but he wouldn't drive anything besides a Benz or BMW. Such hypocrites, like have you noticed how buddhists drive mercedes-even the monks-WTF isup with that. Getting sick twice from eating food served to me. Not feeling great, making me even sadder. Paper jam at work today, had to stay at work for extra 30 minutes, but then had to shuttle back and forth to tell my dad to wait in the car. Embarassing, yes, getting the extra half hour work, priceless. Also, with Jenny Craig, maybe if I didn't have to worry about the LSAT, school, how to get to school, the shit like "i don't want to take this downstairs why don't you" it's more like "stop just going to your 50 minute exercise, and instead, after each meal, to 30 minutes." Just like Jack just said, "I have thirty minutes of squats a head of me and I don't need to be stressed out" that is what I need to be doing. This damn wedding, and shit like that, it's not until fucking july people. God, and if I got the dress, it wasn't tailored, i'll find some fucking tailor if I have to fly to Thailand to get it done. I don't fucking care, and dude, I don't want to pick my dress out NOW, in SEPT. COME ON MAN, and also, I need some time to get skinny. If I time it right, I can lose like 70 pounds-which I need to do. Like I carry the weight so well, no one knows that I am so fat, but I mean the numers don't lie,and they're like you'll be nothing, and i'm like, that's exactly the point, and I still won't be as skinny as "actresses and Paris." Also, I am not eating at Panda Express. And no, one watches my television but myself. Also, if you can afford something that is like 100 bucks, you can afford something that is 1.50, do the fucking math. While watching SATC, it was this episode where Miranda is dating that dopey guy, not the guy that she keeps in the end, but so he's like waiting by the door, she turns to say goodbye to the girls (she was facing him) then turns back to him to exit door while he is blocking her and then he moves away. That is how I feel, be fucking efficient so get out of my fucking way. Oh, so now I get this email from Epson telling me that they don't have that product in Singapore-HOW DID I GET THE EMAIL FOR SINGAPORE? WHAT THE HELL, and that if I need exist please contact the US one or ifyou're not US or UK, then please contact someone else. Does my life get any more fucking annoying. THen today, while watching what seemed like the greatest movie on earth, I have to aid my dad is his issues. SO I misssed Handsome Rob and Karen is giving Grace some pills, I think I need some too, or "vitamins." God, so yes, I watched The Transporter, wow, amazing and the sound track is to die for, like I bought the cd. Movie not amazing, but damn, he is hot, like hotter then Vin, I think they are swamping places, the Asian people aren't attractive and are stereotypical villain/china doll, but you know, i'm looking past that to see Handsome Rob, god, mega Handsome. Love the Brits, or at least the ones in TV, who knows if rest of the world have bad teeth. I realized my family works well, we have such a large house we all have our own area, we only get together to eat, talk shit about each other, and like "chill for family time-this occurs when we all have nothing better to do." The only thing that is working well for me is that i'm watching Will and Grace on lifetime instead of going to sleep-that is the only thing that is making me happy. GOd, I hate being angry and it'sl ike that whoel Mark Walhberg says that he doesn't listen to rap music because it makes him angry-that is how I feel right now, except everyone makes me angry and everything. God, it's like, why do people struggle, if you can't do it, move on, and some how get assistant. Why struggle because you aren't going to figure it out yourself. It's not going to occur. Seriously, like when you get the "ERROR: CAN't POLL FOR NEW MSGS," ok, close out, and try again, if problem persists, then get assistance, and no, there isn't anything "technical" i can do, computers are simplically complicated, but there are no hidden "tricks" not liek dogs, come on, and they are simplically complicated too. If you can't fix the problem, call somoen that can, that's why we play for customer service. And no, you can't tell those people that they suck if they can't solve your problem and they should go to hell. It won't help the problem and you still have a broken something. Yes, so I mean, be nice unless they're mean and ask for the manager who can somehow figure it out, they're just not experienced enough, and like you, you aren't either, that's why you have to call someone and that's why you're not a top 5 CEO. Also, if you want to do something, you can, it's not hard, liek putting together a bed, self explanatory you know, and also why get so fucking excited about things that may not occur. COme on. Why is LIfetime so traumatic, why do they do this, and there is this guy on Strong Medicine that looks so familiar, but I can't figure out who he is. I also missed Wild N Out the good part, the end when they battle rap because I didn't send email right-fuck you I sent it right. I don't want to hear about how something has so many carbs and blah blah blah and I don't want to hear how the cup cake will make me fat, I want to be fat, I choose it, like the Wedding date, you choose your love life, I choose my diet dammit, and i'm choosing the fucking cupcake, at least i'm smart and I don't go and buy 3 dollar cupcakes, but buy a dozen for 5 bucks. Also, while buying cupcakes, it wouldn't scale then said I was buying bananas-WTF? I forgot to take up the trash, fucking sorry man, I just fucking forget, do you want to go and get your shot gun and shoot me? This post is like one big fuck you. Oh and Fuck you Kielhs, because I used that shit of a stuff that smells like ass to get rid of my zit, ok, still there and still fucking hurts even, like now if I open my jaw wide, it hurts- WTF. Yea, it's that drawing paste, this time it did not draw the impurities out. Also realizing, I have to A. tan for wedding B. have flawless skin, also not helpful is because I use to have bad acne and have semi scaring. Also not helpful they like the one dress im so adamantly against. I can think logically, but for some reason the LSAT people say I don't. Oh, Grace is patronizing Will about spending too much tiem together like why they are both hungry together or they can't have coffee together, WHAT THE HELL. I am also fucking sick of people claling my cell when it doesn't work, leaving msgs, and then asking if I got the msg when they see me online and i tell them it doesn't work and tehy say, just listen to the msg. Well, FUCK YOU I DON'T WANT TO LISTEN TO THE MSG. Yea, that's right, and also, i'm not there to give you a i'm bored talk to me when i feel like i'm jus tth eone talking man. Also, Will made me laugh, he wa slike, " are you feeling horny yet" implying that if she ate a lone that she would find people if she were alone adn not with Will. It's called focusing, I dont' want to be doing stupid shit before the LSATS, like try shit on to figure out which one I look the shittest in and not pick that one. It's like a lose lose, both are cutter and they're white, i'll be the only asian, why bother, no one has yellow fever, it's cool, and plus, because everyone keeps emphasizing where I live, it's not cool. Also, this whole talk of strapless dresses is making me stressed out and I just want to buy one to see how it fits, god...Oh, and 2,000 dollars is not sufficient for the quarter. Maybe if I was like taking one class and maybe if I was like not eating or buying books. GOD, also I haven't gotten my deposit back. Realizing that I may be shuttling from my parents house to my husbands house-not a good thing. Realizing that the meager wages I will make after college makes me sad. Realizing that i'm not getting into a top 20 law school and that i'm probably not going to be graduating top of my class makes me sad too. Realizing the insecurity in my life is scary and no it isn't fucking priceless like those American Express cards. Realizing people bullshit it all around life sucks and is kind of a let down, at least I never claimed those people as "heros" of my life. in fact, I'm greedy and i'm going to say, the only "hero" i see in my life is security blanket-because it has always been there. I was going to say Hello Kitty or Winnie the Pooh, but they both have financial problems, that's nto a hero, that's just stupid management. Realizing that i'm never going to meet a hottie on an elevator and we're going on a date-priceless, sad, and yet, makes me even more angry. GREAT. Also, the rason why I hate driving, knowing that if I were to get into an accident, I may as wlel die because I had just crashed what is like worth a priceless, yet worthless car, that it would be like a 50,000 dollar mistake makes me really uneasy, because I don' thave 50,000. Realizing one day I may have to buy used cars, i'd settle for the 760il though, it's hot and damn fast. Missing Growing up Gotti this week, makes me sad. Las Vegas sucked. the DIVO episode made me feel better. Then it was ruined by less couture and more barfing. Turn the mic of please. Realizing that someone said they did something and perhaps never did it, makes me feel like shit, and makes me feel like punching that person in the face. Realizing people are more about words and less about actions-also makes me angry. YOu know I never had this angry phase in high school like you're suppose to. In HS, I always said that I was so much better then people and really grew up, sometimes I think this, then sometimes i'm like, why am I the angry teenage, because it's past my prime. Also realizing that you want stuff is the ultimate death, realizing you want it all, is the ultimate suicide. Maybe I could be like happy hanging out in the country side making my own food and having a substantial amount to barter an buy stuff with would be great. You know what I want, I want the ability to have things, it doesn't mean I have to have it all-like I don't need all the pieces of Louis Vuitton stuff, but I mean, knowing that I could have the ability to have it, that would be good enough for me. Just like knowing I could have 20 Hermes bags but only getting one that was used, totalyl cool too. Realizing that this rant is probably going to seem like dumb ass shit, I know I feel it and I sense it, finally getting it off my chest and being able to breath calmingly-priceless. A deep breath and sign goes to me. ( I wrote this post at 11:16-I finished at 12:05)...what does that say about either A. my time management or B. that was the best therapy session I ever got for free.

2005-09-18T23:01:00.000-07:00

I just can't stop freaking out about LSAT stuff. God, I don't know, I think i'm just really tired of it and it makes me perform worse on it...

No. 289 WHY OH WHY

2005-09-17T21:34:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, you don't feel like fighting, it's hard to muster up that courage to like do something you know. As for this whole law school thing and stuff, i'm like, dude, i'm just doing my part of the deal and I really don't feel like talking about it and blah blah blah unless you have something to offer me via your thoughts about it. I'm sick of talking about it, especially to people who don't care for the last 4 years or all of a sudden do but will not remember a word I said. Seriously, just like i'm graduating this year, it's my 4th year and technically I could graduate early, but I kind of want a higher GPA, so i'm going to ride it out and try to up it for the last quarter, I don't want to talk about that anymore, i've talked it to death, it's over. (PERIOD).

When I think back to my past post, um...it makes me sound like an idiot, but I had my moment of being an idiot and I don't take it back. I'll never take anything back, well I wouldn't say never, but really.

Also, god, for some reason i'm like when can I meet someone and also you know, i've been rethinking this whole only child thing. Well a thing is, I mean, I'd want my child(s) to have all they can have right, so I mean if one gets to go to Harvard on my buck, the other one had to have the same opportunity too, like I would want him/her to be like, we're too poor since my older bro/sis gets to go to Harvard and he/she gets the shaft and has to go to community college or something, not saying anything of that manner is wrong, but some people would just get it. Like i'd never buy one child pottery barn while the other gets ikea-kind of not fair you know? So, then I realize, god, i'm so lonely sometimes, really, I need interaction, just like it'd be great to have a bro/sis, more so a sis, because I doubt my bro would like ever you know, want to hang with me that much. Anyways, ramblings ramblings ramblings...sometimes shopping is not enough...

No. 288 Luvs It and the Motherland supposedly that is

2005-09-13T20:44:00.000-07:00

Luvs It
People have issues, especially when you spend like excess money to put "Luvs It" onto your license plate. I'm not sure that it's a omage to Paris, but come on, no one said "luvs it" before Paris and Nic said it on The Simple Life. Ok, so what the heck, "luvs it," seriously, Paris could care less and in fact, it just made her richer because if she ever made Paris gum, you know who would buy it.
The Motherland, supposedly
In reality, the motherland is suppose to be America because I am an American born Chinese and this is my motherland, but yet again i'm using motherland in terms of it being China hence my heritage. Ok, so It's come up twice, that is, would you move back to HK? Ok, so don't get me wrong, I love the Chinese, as in the fact that they appear so damn better then mem and much constantly show up when in a sense that we all know who is superior and it is the latter. Yes, I was a bitch for saying that, but have you noticed, seriously, no matter how nice you are to them or just say a friendly smile or whatever, they look at you with dagger eyes. Have you ever noticed that in a Chinese restaurant, they all have to stare at you? Yes fuckers, i'm wearing Pumas and they're real, and no I don't use the $99 Prada you get at overstock.com and no, I don't have a goach or a Louis Fuitton or a Folex. Anyways, there's this guy on the internet who hails from the land of the browns, so he's constantly asked that he should go to the land of the free, and he says, "hell no, because he lives like a queen in the LOB, while in the US, he'd be just some random middle class floozy." 'Tis true, in a way it'd be great for me to live in HK too, I mean, I wouldn't have to do much besides just eat, shop, and watch tv, but you know I want something more, and also, it doesn't help that in the USA I still live as if I live in HK besides the fact that I really don't use manual labor of the human kind-that is I don't have a live in and that I employ "services" to be used for various reasons (dry cleaning, not someone ironing my sock), and also, no way man, I buy so much good shit here there is no way that they can match the sales I experience here dude, SERIOUSLY. Just for instance, I got myself this cute Juicy bag for 34.95 intead of the 125.00, it is the small version, those little bags, but i'm like, it's nice and i'll just put it in my big bag when I have like tons of stuff. Anyways, so yea, I'd love to live in HK, but then again, I don't want to constantly be feeling like I have to be a fucking Princess in my S65 bulletproof Benz to make a point, at least in America I can do it with some subtley and at leas tin America I do not see some 30 year old actresses sporting the Tiffany's heart toggle necklace-have they heard of diamonds? Even a small one would be so much better then the perpetual blond 20 something wearing the toggle, I wear the toggle, but then again, i'm 21, not 31. 'Tis a difference.

No. 287 Desperate to rid conversation tees and the Outrageous LTD

2005-09-11T23:15:00.000-07:00

I'm Desperate to get rid of women who wear things on their tees and it's "Outrageous" of LTD on My Sweet 16.

Ok, first topic, wow, so i'm thinking, when is it okay to wear sayings on your chest. First off, really never, especially inappropriate ones that are geared towards females to males, such as, "The girls say yes" or something like that, but oddly, "everything is bigger in Texas" doesn't hit me that hard, maybe because it's a saying that lots of people say, but seriously, those other ones that say "i'm hot and you're not" or "can't find anything to wear" sometimes ok and sometimes not, like if you're Donatella Versace with the can't find anything to wear-kind of funny and the hot or not one, only works if you're like Angelina Jolie or something you know,b ut anyways, so i'm getting my 19.99 shoes again, yes I went to return one because oddly I bought a size 9 then a 8 and felt weird with the 8 so tried to get a 8 1/2, which I did, but this lady is smiling at me, keep in mind, with small child, while wearing "I LOVE DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES," first i'm like "christ, I didn't even know lesbians were so unspoken" then i'm like, wait, she's meaing the show, then i'm thinking, ok, you've got a daughter and you enjoy your guilty pleasure of watching women who are married get it on with the random help, great for you and if I were your husband, i'd be like hell no you're not wearing that and seriously, you're freaking 30ish, it's time to use your words to articulate what you are saying rather then having a tee shirt say it for you. It's like, saying tees are only ok when you're sick and lost your voice and you are feeling cranky, such as, "don't mess with this" or something equally appropriate, but yes, i've never, I mean some people love the show, but it's not like you need to go and buy a teeshirt that says this. I love Josh Duhamel, Prince Wills, Ben and Jerry's, Gucci, Louis, The Wedding Date, and random other things, but do I put it on a tee shirt, have thought about it, such as "I only take calls from Josh Duhamel" but in part, i'd never wear it OUTSIDE FOR CHRIST SAKES, like she was visible dressed and together, as in she put her time in choosing appropriate footwear, jacket, and jeans. I would have the decency to like at least semi cover it adn for christ sakes what if you're daughter is watching it, it's like she'll know that she can get with teh gardener and it'll be ok, it's never ok no matter how hot he is.

LTD of My Sweet 16, they're pretty, cute, and semi rich, it's amusing, they could be a television show sort of, well more liek ava would be better, but seriously, the whole triplet thing-not cute and when she yelled at her sis while saying "you evil whore" whoa there buddy, but yea, I enjoy watching the rich, or at least the semi rich who have some sort of WASP like thing going on, yea so those triplets did not do it for me nor did that one pudgy girl that kept yelling at her mother, clearly nouveau riche, like way way nouveau. It's outrageous yet someone asked me if i'd ever wnat to watch normal teens, i'm like no, I don't want to see them go and like get their cake from Dairy Queen or something. Also though, what the heck, if the person is invited but not wearing proper attire, i'd still let them in, or like if you know that person, i'd be like, come on in, but the door peopel are like no, but the birthday girl is saying yes come in-so ghetto and then she tries to go to VIP and the doorman stops here, what the hell, like you should automatically know who the birthday girl is and who her friends are-god, it's like get a picture and memorize it you idiots, the party is for them, god...seriously, if that happened, i'd be like, you get out, find someone that knows this thing, so ghetto, and the people are like "that's her" i'd be like DAMN RIGHT IT"S ME YOU MIB (Men in black).

No. 286 Aggression

2005-09-10T23:37:00.000-07:00

Oh so lonely has turned into kind of a um, what can I say, a raging bitch only because I was dealing with a bitch. So, i'm at a lowly department store that was selling $19.99 shoes onsale and there were this pair of J P whatever shoes, kind of hurt, sad cuz they were orginally 140 down to 39.99, but besides the part, I saunter over to the 19.99 and I pick up this black shoe that was not suppose to be in teh box with this colorful pair of shoes, the Korean lady saw me or whatever, I just set it back down saw another pair, and then she's straightening up the shoes and she tells me, "when you're done could you put the shoes back in the proper box" and i'm like I don't what happened to me because usually i'm like, "sure, ok" and just walk away because i'm like there is no way i'm going to berate you in front of other people and i'm just not going to stoop down to your level of inappropriateness, but for some reason i'm like "I know, that wasn't me, the shoe was already there before I got here, and i'm buying this pair (I had taken the right one out to put on then put it back in the box to grab the box so I could buy it, but she thought i'd just put it somewhere else even though she had and was seeing me put it in the proper box), and I tell her that it wasn't me and that i'm buying the shoe (i'm using force now in my voice)" So then she's like, "ok, I know it wasn't you, ok..." WHAT A BITCH, seriously, god, just because I'm Asian and she's Asian does not give her the reason to say something to me like that because she'd never say it to the white ladies, like when this girl was like, "oh there's no mate to this one," she's all like, "oh let me see...all smiley and being happy" So yea, but regardless, she didn't get my commission because another lady had already saw me first over at the 39.99 section and got a hold of me, that lady not too bright either, but something about her, she was happy and she was nice or willing to be nice even though she herself was like "this fucking sucks to be here on sale day." So, that lady is such a bitch and I mean I don't even know what to say to her besides the fact that if it was my mother she'd be even more rude to her, and the fact is that I kind of felt sorry for her since she had to work there, she's like 30ish, and she had to work in a department store and it ain't behind a desk, so in a way whenever I have these encounters, I realize how great and privileged I am and also that I have to work hard so I am not working with a women like that. God, and one time, also at the lowly department store that was newly acquired by the bi of the big, there was this Middle Eastern/Indian lady who got really snippy with me too, a buyer, but damn annoying, it's like that department store is the place for cheap shit, but in return you have to deal with shitty attitudes, now I get why the upscale ones actually survive because it's just like the aire of shopping there that gives everyone that great feeling, nonetheless I still feel great about my 19.99 shoes, kind of odd because I bought a 9 and a 8 size that is,b ut it's just those experience, and i'm not saying that all Asians or all ethnic groups there need attitude adjustments because there are two ladies there that are Asian and are fabulous to me and have always been gracious and for those two ladies I am much grateful, but god, today, the Korean lady was like the last straw or something and I let her have it as she couldn't look at me and was focusing all her mite on putting the shoes back together, god, it didn't feel great, but it felt like well deserved-have I turned into the bitch that I say I am?

2005-09-09T20:30:00.000-07:00

Lonely, oh so Lonely, and why is it that they are playing that Katrina donate aid thing on EVERY CHANNEL except you can watch the VMAs or Dr. Phil, at least Mariah is consolidating.

Lisa

No. 285 What do I want?

2005-09-07T21:46:00.000-07:00

What do I want?

Fresh from a wedding I realized that omg, i'm 21 and there is no way in hell i'm going to get married. I'm like one of those people who would get married when they're like 35, have kids at like 38, be an old parent I don't fucking care because I'll donate to my child's cause, but am not going to intermingle with those PTA parents who talk about which diaper service is the best. So, fast forward to post wedding issues and realizing as i'm watching XXX, just passing it on the telly at that part where Vin protectively walks next to the girl in the restaurant and I realized, god, he's so hot-I have this thing for him and I don't understand it either because he's old enough to be my uncle, but then I realized, I don't like Vin diesel, like he's all hot and rugged, but he's not versatile, like all he could ever be is the tough guy and no matter now much he tries to be sensitive, it doesn't quite work out well you know. Anyways, so here I am thinking, god, in reality, the reason why I probably don't have anyone is because it's not like The Wedding Date in which I have the relationship I choose, but it's more like, I need someone who is versatile, like he has to be Lance Armstrong, Jesse James, Hugh Grant, Edison Chen, Eric McCormack, some random basketball player, P.Diddy, Jay Z and a little 50 Cent all in one, seriously, it's like I need someone that embodies it all, and is that possible to find someone that can embody it all? I look at my friends and who they marry, they're kind of stereotypical, and i'm like, I need more then one stereotype, because I need the powersuit, yet I need the David Beckham, yet I still need the grungy I could go camping if I wanted to, it's like I want it all and is it possible? Just like how I realized shopping and having it all is not possible, there's too many possibilities and too little time, well unless I had a personal assistant who bought me every single book available by fashion houses and websites and if I had the money, oh it's sad to be alone, moneyless, and wanting it all...

Anyways, who would have thought Agassi could do it, i'm watching his match and I mean for sure I thought he was a goner because he let two sets go to Blake-never heard of him and apparently has a bro that plays but sucks, then Agassi comes back in the next two sets and they're battling it out for the 5 set and it's tied. And the funny thing is i'm sure Agassi is like, "i'm old dammit but i'm going to win with my brains not my braun anymore "and the Blake guy is like "dammit, I hit the ball fucking hard so just miss it will you. "

No. 284 Strange Feelings

2005-08-19T23:45:00.000-07:00

So, originally, I intended to do this whole sad Maroon 5 blog, yet all of a sudden i'm listening to the Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights soundtrack and am strangled moving all muy caliente to track 3. So strange and what is strange is that I can also smell out great my pajamas smell like-you know that smell, the smell of yourself-loves it, there's no better perfume then yourself. Anyways, so yea i'm just so in this weird moment right now. I'm drinking diet coke and it's 12:01 AM, lord it's kind of late and i'm listening to catchy music while trying to find The Wedding Date soundtrack, my obsession continues. Lord.

The Irony of Life

So i'm a shopper. I love it and I shop everywhere-I don't discriminate, like i'll be at the drug store and still mosey around the makeup section when in reality I only pick up some polish remover. I mean I buy everything, although I feel drugstore makeup is not worth it, but anyways, I shop it all minus Gucci and really high end designer wear for clothing, but accessories I do a minimal amount, but anyways, so where i'm from usually I just head to the mall do a little nordies, macy's, gap type deal right, normal bland stuff and try to pepper it with my online wears or like from some random boutique store in my local big city, but anyways, so I spend all this money on like stuff, oh and my fave place is nordies rack and the most comments and the "love that" is usually from of all stores, Target. i love Target, this has also made me buy in bulk because it's so cheap. Like when I see something I like, instead of just buying one, i have this mentality that it may wear out easily, I buy two instead, so insane I know, but to me it makes sense. So like I have 3 pairs of the same pants-when they go on sale, I buy even more, but the irony is that everyone complements not just like one person does, but multiple say that they love what i'm wearing. I say oh thanks and move on not thinking about where I got it and don't bother to proffer that information because I don't want others to be wearing the same thing right, but the more I think about, the complements come towards my Target clothing-what is going on, and don't get me wrong, sometimes they do some great things that looks like money for only say the non-bank breaking price of 19.99. It's strange how that works, but recently upon perusing the local JC Penney- I don't really shop there because nothing really appealled to me, but there is this brand called Bisou Bisou which my cousin and I were infatuated with during our HS years because we were all trying to get into designer wears, anyways it's apparently at JC Penney, I was there looking for this bag I saw on TV that was 30% off because I knew my bf would want it and trying to find it lead me to no avail, but I did find the clothing section. I got the best looking halter in the fucking world like I can't even believe it that I bought it in two colors and this chiffon top that is to die for all for 50% off and damn it looks good. Like I can't believe I found the best ever looking and fitting halter in my life at JC Penney of all places. Never underestimate shops you normally don't shop it. Lord, so now i'm reeling and wondering if I should buy the other colors and would that be weird, and I mean it's nice dammmit, like the quality is freaking nice. The sequins actually stay on compared to like something I'd get at the Savvy section at Nordies were it seems like it's semi falling apart, I mean this shit is like sewed on well and it's like top quality sequins, not cheapie ones that look lack lustre and kind of bendy and all screwed up like some little girl who couldn't fit into it just tossed it on the ground and walked on it and walked way in the dressing room, it's damn nice. So yes, never underestimate places marketed towards unbeatable prices. They are unbeatable and some of the shit is damn nice and that's all I have to say, thank you JC Penney and Target. Question: am I spell Penney right, or is it Penny. I dont' even know,b ut anyways, loves it.

No. 283b: The Wedding Date

2005-08-16T21:39:00.000-07:00

The Wedding Date was fabulous, it's something about Mulroney and his love for red heads-a la My Best Friend's Wedding and Julia. Let me say though, both times, totally am pining for him. It's reminiscient of Hitch, why can't we find guys so suave and smooth yet genuine. Strike that, why can't I find guys in general-it makes me so sad and lonely, especially since I know other people have bfs and it's like how do they do it? Those movies make me somehow feel great yet horrible at the same time. God, I don't get it, but i'm like a sucker for abusive relationships, so I keep going back for more.

No. 283 I FEEL SAD DAMMIT

2005-08-14T19:12:00.000-07:00

Ok, so trying to be all french, like I don't even know why, yes I took french for 4 years in HS, kind of missed it and realized there is so much I should have done in college in a way that I am kind of shooting myself in the foot, like I should have said that after my first if not second quarter of college I should have said to myself that I should do better dammit and not because it's my first year-now I look at my grades and am feeling sad that I won't get into lawschool, the a part of me is like it's okay if I don't, then i'm like there is no way financially I can uphold my own if I'm not making like 60,000 at least a year therefore freaking out even more. Furthermore, tried to spell i'm sad, then tried to be profound in french and only came up with une seconde de despair-is that even a french word, hell no, stupid American as the french would say.

Then watched Love Actually, made me realize that love is actually all around as Hugh Grant says, but is not with me, further emphasized by girl who I thought wouldn't be dating, but is to some random bloke she just randomly met-how does this happen? Furthermore, made me all sad watching Love Actually because it made me kind of miss my cousin in that sense when we're laden with shopping bags as we're nonchalatantly flipping a scarve over our neck a la winter time in Love Actually. Further reiterrated by those sappy love songs that were on Love Actually including the one with Bill Nighly signing "Christmas (Love) is all around us" in some way that little boy this time made me want to cry-and usually I don't buy movies that make me cry. Now, I feel like watching Lost in Translation-not for the sense of Bill Murray being old and trying to scam on Scarlett Johnanssen, but more like to feel that gloomy feeling that is of no relevance to anyone truly suffering in the world.

Furthermore, am just rambling about and feeling anxious if I did get into a law school and feeling mega sad if I didn't, but more like if I got into law school it'd be like the best hard working vacation I could get in a sense that my obligations would be only towards school and there was nothing I could do about the other things unless I a. had a personal assistance b. had a jet c. had all the money in the world.

Am signing out still feeling sad...why can't the feeling subside and the hottest that i'm experiencing...

No. 282 So Lonely, I feel so Lonely

2005-08-12T23:43:00.000-07:00

Ok,

I feel so lonely, oh so lonely, a la that song sung by those rappers that sound like chipmunks. I'm have a mini attack, I feel like at first I had a good chance of getting in, then I don't, then I do. Then i'm like if not I can go work. Whatever, just freaking out. I don't even know what to do. Furthermore, feeling lonely because I never have related to people. Like I get alone with people and they are my friends because we bring different things to the table, but I was reading somewhere and I realized that I never relate. I can't relate. I'm just lonely therefore of it. I've never met anyone like me. So sad, I know, and some people may say why are you trying to find someone like you and i'm saying, doesn't someone want to find someone they relate to....I don't know, so confused, went to SPK, ML, SF, so many places and I didn't get a rise out of them all...

No. 281 Gold Collar, Middle Class, and Vitamin C

2005-07-14T20:34:00.000-07:00

Read the below:

http://www.fortwayne.com/mld/newssentinel/living/12121601.htm

So, this new thing is called gold collar. Then they're like, here's a quiz, if you answer true to these you are gold collar. Ok, um...so... let me fill it out and see what I am...

GOLD-COLLAR QUIZ
You know you're gold-collar if you answer true to the following questions:
1) You are 18 to 25 years old.
XTrue- i'm 21
_False
2) You live with your parents.
XTrue- its because i'm finishing up my senior year at college and i only have 2 quarters to go to so I didn't want to live with people if i was only going to stay for half the year and then the other half i'd just let it go to waste adn still have to pay rent...practical, not because I want to spend it on Dee yor
_False
3) You passed on college and work full time in a service or retail job, such as the cosmetics counter at Macy's.
_True
XFalse
4) Your pastimes include clubbing, shopping and pampering (pedicures and manicures).
XTrue- sort of, love shpping, pampering, and semi clubbing
_False
5) You prefer high-end brands, such as Louis Vuitton and Gucci.
XTrue- WHO DOESN'T
_False
6) You drink pricey cocktails made from top-shelf liquor (Grey Goose vodka, Hennessy cognac) instead of domestic beer (Budweiser, Miller).
XTrue- u know I don't discriminate, but I mean, who wants a bud when you can get GG?
_False
7) You have a top-of-the-line iPod or the best-equipped cell phone, complete with camera, chirp function and assorted downloads.
XTrue- what does top of the line mean on ipod, I've got a sweet phone but I ddin't may anything for it...and it has the camera, chirp function and some downloads-I didn't pay for
_False
8) Your idea of saving money is setting aside $200 for a new pair of Dolce & Gabbana jeans.
_True
XFalse- It's called Franklin Templeton, Morgan Stanley, and Bill Gates
9) Your dream, spoken or not, is to become a celebrity.
XTrue- I wish I could become a celeb, non trashy brit, but I mean, realistically i'll probably be a professional
_False
10) Your primary source of information is celebrity magazines, such as Us and In Style.
XTrue- I get marie claire, teen vogue, W, harper's bazaar, but then I get US News, Time, and Newsweek along with a plethora of random freebies like Road and Track, Car and driver, and Forbes
_False

So am I gold collar or what? So confused.

Then my teacher is like everyone calls themselves middle class. So confused even more, apparently i'm not middle class now. Dear lord, class systems are way complicated, is it this hard to differentiate in the caste system?

Was watching the Comedy Central? Don't know why, sometimes I do enjoy the whole Dat Phan and his mother, but anyways, watching this girl semi grind on some random dancer boy, then realize it's Vitamin C? What ever happened to her? Did she not take her own dose of Vitamin C and let that nasty cold get to her?

Concierge Service

2005-07-12T16:17:00.000-07:00

Oh, and what is happening to the world. I got my first card with concierge service. What am I going to do with concierge service? I would love to just call them and be like, "hi, I need my bags picked up" and they'd be like, "ok...what hotel, and i'd be like, my house you idiot, they're upstairs in the closet" but course I was informed that the concierge service isn't like in a hotel where you call to tell the bellboy to pick up your bags, instead, u're suppose to like request things. I'm going to be like madonna and ask for that tea from some far off place that is so hard to find and have it couriered over to me right away. This concierge service could be dangerous, what if you were drunk, dialed, and asked for mark or something, and they'd be like "what mark, "and u'd be like, "figure it out," they'd freak out and grab anything that said "Mark" including people.

No. 280 Class Issues again

2005-07-12T15:49:00.000-07:00

So i'm in class just thinking when is this over so I can go to Brookstone to get those locks for your luggage that only those airport people and I can open. Yes, there is such a thing, at least now it will keep me safer (I think) and peopl won't be rifling through my luggage. Yes, and I made the mistake of getting red, for me i'm thinking easy to spot, for them aka the criminals they're thinking an easy hit because it's RED. AHHHHH, but anyways, so all of a sudden, not all of a sudden, but we're reading about coded words in racial terms and there's this thing about how in the paragraph they refer to Newsweek and someone said that ti's a racially coded word because it means predominant white, then the teacher was like white... and the guy says white upper class and the teacher is like precisely. I'm thinking, upper class, Newsweek is upper class...that's why I don't get the class system and it still puzzles me. I get Newsweek, US news and Time all for free, but am I upper class. Furthermore, often times I guess I could gloat and be like I think i'm well off, but a part of me wants to suffer like those families who work 9-5 and then their parents take their kids out to dim sum on Saturday in Chinatown. That wasn't my family...sadly, and maybe i'd be more balanced if I had a sibling. At least my life wouldn't feel so isolated, maybe we could be isolated together. Isolated meaning that i'm not Asian enough, i'm not American enough, I'm not middle class enough, i'm not poor enough, i'm not rich enough, or maybe I am as some people point out that that's why they don' t like to hang out with me...sadness of my life, but more so sadness to this girl's life...

Anna Benson, the Mets pitcher's wife.

Reading trashy post, I know I know, but love the gossip, loves it. Anyways, so reading about it and she got throw out of the whatever and blah blah blah who cares, but she says that if the husband were to cheat on him, she would do everyone on the Mets and the groundkeepers. Whatever that means, but i'm like, ok, I hardly think your husband will be so hurt that you did every guy in the stadium or whatever, it'd more be like, u're a skanky lady. She's already semi skanky because she did go on Howard Stern and she's apparently FHM's hottest wife of sports or something, but yea, I highly doubt your husband would take you back if you did every guy in the stadium, no one wants used goods, especially if you've alread sampled.

Kirsten Davis

2005-07-10T22:33:00.000-07:00

It made me sad, SATC has died. I saw Charlotte and she did not look like her fab self. In fact, she looked like a normal person. When did it happen that it was okay to look normal whilst being a superstar. Superstars are suppose to look fab all the time, not just on the telly. FYI: while shopping and the stalkerazzi are out, one must look there best. FYI2: One must reexamine jeans and make sure that cut is proper for thou thigns. Crucial...

No. 279 Whose the Richest Man on the Earth?

2005-07-09T20:55:00.000-07:00

So, today, i'm driving to the mall because I had a ton of stuff to get. Like, I actually had to get stuff, not just like I wonder around and saw this great lip gloss you know. So anyways, driving to the mall I see this porsche carrera, and i'm like ok whatever. Usually I don't even look at them that intense, but I think I was drawn to it because the top was down and these two pasty people were in it, specifically, a person who looked somewhat nerdy, low and behold, it's Mr. Microsoft himself, i'm just like, wow, the richest man on the earth must be coming back from lunch with his wife at like 2 something in the afternoon. They both looked good, the wife looks skinnier now, so it makes me think they are doing the carbless diet-but yea, and then the second thought was, at least he's driving the carrera and decided to upgrade from the boxster.

Bought some good stuff then splurged on a little makeup. Nar is now way expensive. Before when that orgasm blush which does not make me orgasm wasn't so hot and now it's like that phrase "that's hot bitch" everything of Nars is like, "we're haute and we can raise our prices." So I bought The Multiple, it's actually the first one I bought because I use to not really like those 3 in one things but I decided to have a run with it, and I got Maldives only because A. it's a pretty decent color B. A nice highlighter C. Cindy Crawford loves it D. I was recently searching through a blog and that person had some Nars stuff. I'm really easily swayed by other people. Furthermoe, while at the mall I sucumbed to Juicy Couture, there was this really cute bag, I always wanted a Juicy bag but never really pulled it together to get one, so it just so happened there was a cheap one for 100 bucks, not bad on sale you know, so I was like, WHAT THE HELL, i'll get it and it was in a decent color. But so, just wandering around and I swear this Asian couple was like staring at me, I hate why Asians have to stare at other Asians, I don't stare at Asians-that probably is why I am so isolated from Asians, but yes, they kept staring and i'm like, WHAT THE HELL? WHY WHY WHY? Furthermore, so they were wanting some bag or something and my mall didn't have it so they had to go to the ghetto mall to get it. Lord, i'd be like, do you want that bag so bad and if so why don't you just make them order it or get it for you, who likes to go to another store to get it.

Speaking of, isolation, I was watching this one video about how blacks feel isolated when they are the only blacks in an all white class. I just now realized that I too feel this way adn this feeling is just not be and how I feel about Asians, but in fact, other minority races feel this way. I felt somewhat happier that I wasn't suffering alone, but yet, I've never met an Asian with the same status as me. It's really sad. Well at least a girl besides my family. I've met a guy, but still not really the same status truthfully, everyone's kind of different. I mean, they're new money and really ghetto fab, i'm old money and ghetto fab on the downlow.Whatever, so hard to explain and so little time to live my life. I'm going to marvel at my shit I got today while I watch some Chinese tv.

No. 278

2005-07-09T13:27:00.000-07:00

Time for change-sort of

I always tell myself that change is bad, unless it's like Madonna-esque and you make mega bucks, so for years i've tried to throw this thing out-the blog I mean. The button is always there, it says delete? And I always play with death-i'll point my little mouse to it and then I quickly think, no, I can't throw 7 years of my life away, even though I think it's the worst side of me. So, I change it instead. I'm still not happy about it. I wanted different colors, like I wanted a blue background against aqua font without those square things and just bullet points, but I can't figure it out, so it'll have to be like this for a sec or two.

I was reading this boy's blog, and a lot of times I come across these, i'm really rich blah blah blah, but I really liked how he said that he's a classless new moneyed bitch and it's so apparent to me that is, but most people would be like, who cares, eh's got money. He always talks about his driver and I mean he lives in an Asian country, therefore I think if you live an an Asian country, you never drive yourself unless you want to die, so yea, it's normal, but to other people, i'm sure they perceive him as like some really haute fabuleux superstar because he has a driver. Whatever.

Lately i've been really down and just stressed out. It's like words don't even do it for me. I just don't even know what to say, before I was filled with anger and now i'm just so desolete...

Funnys

2005-07-08T20:40:00.000-07:00

"Some random bloke told me not to carry a handbag cause bags are for sissies.

Hello... what the fuck should I do, stuff everything in my pockets and impregnate my buttocks and hip pockets with a bunch of siamese twins?"-a very gay boy

2005-06-16T01:03:00.000-07:00

No. whatever-this might not be an actual post.

So, few things.

Freaking out about Law school, but yet serenely calm, it's like, if I don't get in, I still have a BA and that will at least be better than having a HS degree right? I keep telling myself this. In addition, after watching that whole FX Supersize Me guy thing, very humbling and I tell myself, maybe I need a swift kick in the arse to get me even more motivated and seemingly "deserving" to become an attorney.

Second, so stressed out and finally cleaned my room. I mean, these college years have been really emotional for me. I did not have that normal experience of hitting up the parties Thurs-Sun and recovering on the weekdays. I didn't have those late night runs to 7-11 or what have you for a normal college kid. The only way I slummed it was that I shared a bathroom with 3 other girls, a house with 2 long haired cats-they are still cute and I forgive them (my lint roller was godsent), and I decided I could live on a 63-65 temp room, but was just fooling myself and turned the heat back to full blast at 68-72. Yea, so to my finer point, college has made me an old hag. Really, it's like i'm constantly tired, constantly cranky, constantly stressed. I take 3 tylenols for my headaches now when I use to take now. But of course, my mother fails to see this, even after an emotional breakdown like a year ago or something, she just says that the 3 tylenols aren't because i'm stressed out and constantly funneling it into my mouth, but it's because i'm fat, and maybe if I were skinnier I wouldn't have to take 3. Yes, mom, i'm trying to explain to you that life has been difficult for me, and she says, "no, life isn't difficult to you, you're just fat, that's why you need 3 tylenol." Thank you my parents, I appreciate it.

2005-06-01T00:08:00.000-07:00

No. 277

I"m going to ramble...

I love how one can say only one word and it makes you seem smart. I love how Mariah Carey uses one big word and ultimately it becomes the hook or the catch phrase of the song.

You know what I love, I love conditionals. So, for example, if you have a pet, it must be a cat. We also know that if you don't have a cat, you don't have a pet. So, I was thinking about a certain someone. He drinks wine, therefore he must be sophisicated. If you don't drink wine, you are not sophisicated. WHATEVER. So yea, he likes "languages" and "opera." I like cheetos, that doesn't make me trailer trash Britney? I love how people just make correlations about themselves with the things they associate with. FYI: It's not cool to drive a manjetta. Just like, it's not cool to be engaged to manParis. I realized that perception is everything for the fool that some people are. You think I don't see right through you. Yea, trust me, drinking wine instead of a keg doesn't make you better than anyone else. Maybe drinking Lafite while you're in your Rolls looking at your Vacheron you might be cool-er that is. Holla at me when you're at that level, i'll buy the Lafite and we'll knock one back.

Furthremore, it's great how some of the greatest things come at the cheapest prices. For instance, I have these Sony inear earphones and they're like 9.99 because I was feeling cheap, they sound so incredible, more so than those earbuds that you get with the ipod. Yea, it's fabulous and it comes with this cute little case you can put them in with a thing that rolls up your cord for you. GENIUS for 9.99. What's more exciting, Chipotle Burritos are great too. Then again, a high end thing I really enjoy are handbags, they can be $0-500 dollars, well if I could afford those 1,000 plus god i'd be orgasming every night man. One day, or maybe I should pilfer my mother's closet.

Oh, what's annoying, so people who don't like a store because they think everything is too expensive. Went to this three lettered store that is notorious for vanity sizing and clothes all of America and is also referenced to be a supporter of a minority group of sometimes flamboyant creatures. So, she said she didn't like it and liked blah more. She said it in the context like I hate blah store and blah store is so much better. I was really thinking, yea you hate this store because everything is more expensive, she hails from the $4.98 tee shirt and should I still get it while i'm stockpiling on such a good deal. She also hates it because XL is too small for her and she'd enjoy it if it came in a XXL. Yea, sorry, doesn't happen that way. Not my fault, life is unfair, but I mean, you can't just "hate" that store because of what you feel is too expensive and not right sizing, although it clothes like all the word. It's like if I was saying that a blah sucks because they only make up to a size ten and i'm a size eleven and that's why I hate it or otherwise i'd love to buy their clothes. I mean, words are strong beings you know. They can break you...

Speaking of words breaking you. I was having this talk about how someone cannot feel pressure because they don't have to work. I think that's the most pressure one person could have. I mean, sure, standard wise it would seem normal if you didn't have to work because you got the cash you'd be chill, but it's not about that, it's interal. You are freaking out, you're freaking about how if all of a sudden you lose your cash what would you do, u're freaking out because you have all these things to do and want to do and try to redeem yourself. For those of you who assume having cash is dandy and you don't have to worry, you're wrong. As Biggie Smalls says, "mo money mo problems" is so true. I'm in college and it's paid for, but everything I figure out what would I do if I didn't have enough cash for tuition, what would I do when I go into the real world, what will be my starting salary, how much is a car payment, how much is insurance, what is a monthly allowance, how much are groceries, how much are utilities. These are just a few of the things I go through and I can imagine someone else you. So yea, if stress brings you to have to have 4 ballons open up your arteries, yea, it's not just so simple as you shouldn't worry because you have all the cash to tie you over for the next life cycle. There's a lot of mental things that occur, I mean, sure someone would be like "i'm glad you're my son/daughter" but what they really mean is, "I guess i'm happy that I have you and not a druggie, but it'd be so much better if you were in a high paying job (200,000) and that you had married someone I had approved of and had a grandchild or even two that were cute and furthermore it'd be even better if you did all the little random things I asked you to do right and promptly like go and buy wooden hangers for me." That's what they really mean by "i'm glad you're my son/daughter." For those of you who don't feel that pressure, i'm so happy for. Incredibly happy for you, but for people like me and others, this is how I feel, and everyday of my life I will be calculating and everyday I will be mentally drained due to this and there is nothing anyone could do for me. Have I seen a therapist? Have the others? So i'm going to go to someoen to tell me that "I have nothing to worry about and I have all the money in the world and that there is nothing to worry about, while i'm mentalling tallying up how much this session is costing me per minute." Yea, I won't worry when i've got a billon dollars in USD currency that will remain so without a giant economic crash and i'd be ok. Make that 2 billion, u know Uncle Sam likes to take at least 40% of your stuff.

2005-05-08T22:20:00.000-07:00

perception

2005-02-16T18:55:00.000-08:00

No. 276

Ok, every time I come onto blogger, something is new, apparently, now Text can be different colors? Say WHAT?

Today, I lost it, completely almost, but at least I was able to regain my composure. God, things are pissing me off, here is the list...

Ok, so lets start out with class, i'm sitting here listening to these people struggle, you know, that whole minority struggle to rise up top while the white man brings them down, that whole thing, and i'm thinking, this is really sad and these people are the next generation and they're just thinking about going to clubs, and I wonder will they make it and be the model minority-clearly they are not, but are they going to be doctors or lawyers or at least maybe make a good living.

Speaking of living, everyone would say that they would like their child to make a good living and support themselves-this has been freaking me out lately. As of last year, to think about it, it's almost been a year since all the bad things have happened, some things are better and some are substained, but I still freak out about money. Oh yea, and so then I recently got this brochure put on my desk by my mother, basically it's like where you pay 3000 bucks for this lady to help you lose weight, and their's like counseling and everything right. Ok, at least my mother didn't urge me to go and do it, but seriously, if I was there, i'd be like, ok, if you can make sure that i'll be financially set for the rest of my life then I don't have to worry, that's why I eat carbs all the time, because i'm always so fearful that one day I won't have anything to eat and then what right? Yea, this is like a stupid thing of mine-seriously, because I have tons of food, but i'm always really fearful, but yea, if that lady could gurantee me that I wouldn't have to worry about anything financially, about how our deficit is growing and how our generation will have to pay a lot more taxes and all that and how there aren't new jobs and lower wages and longer hours and blah blah blah, then yea, i'd not eat carbs, but for now, I am.

So, then that was another thing, listening to depressing stories about garments workers from students whose mom's experienced this-i'm extremely lucky-but like they say, luck doesn't last right. Then I have to go to this meeting, the lady had another person and then another and she told me it was okay to come, but god, why wouldn't you be like, sorry, I have other students coming, come another time or I won't be able to fit you in, and then while I had an important agenda, the other girls who were just there for like a weekly meeting where talking about how drunk they were and couldn't go to some place and about television, WTF right, then I ask her the question and instead of just answering the question, she took 25 minutes to discuss with me and talk about her computer. GOOD GRIEF. I'm like, way to go for time management, seriously, piss me off even more, and then school is stressing me out sort of. It's weird, I got a 3.4, i'm usually happy, but then i'm like, why didn't I get a 3.5 and hello-no comments on my paper-so how would I know if I did good or bad or what needs to be improved. I'm just so cranky, I don't even know why...

Oh and then I had this triple shot mocha, and I went to this Thai place for phad thai. It wasn't that great and they used so much fish sauce, and we all know fish sauce has this rancid smell in it-god, it smelled so bad and now my fleeces smell like phad thai. That pissed me off even more and then I had to charge my ipod, thank you for my friend who had the charger, but it was annoying, because the one outlet I could get it, I had this weird little boys sitting separately, but always trading papers-like what the hell, why can't you sit together right?

Oh and I was going to clean my room-not happening, yea it's been a month since I vacuumed I think and whatever, then I felt bad, because I took it out on the fat cat. I really didn't mean to, but then he got in my way so I threw my foot down and stomped around and now he's all freaked out. Like I really meant it right. sorry kitty. Just fucking annoying, and then my housemates are so annoying, it's like the won't clean up after themselves, and they have these annoying habits. If I get into law shcool, I am not having a roommate again. I got extremely lucky with my current one and love her dearly, but I don't think I can deal with the others, god, it's freaking pissing me off.

I just feel so angry right now, and i'm listening to Franky J, suppose to be calming and chill, but not. Oh yea and while talking to my teacher, I also said that it was hard for Asian Americans to date-interracially or with their own race or whatever-she doesn't get it, and i'm dead serious, but to me, there's different level of Asian Americans economically and that's the reason for it, but it'll be hard to show her this, because she doesn't believe it.

Also, making me feel even more alone was the fact that now I can't relate to Asian Americans, and my teacher implied this, not by telling me this, but by how she used examples or the fact taht she's like Asian Americans are dating a lot now-well tell me why i'm not, my cousin isn't, and like 10 of my friends. So, now, no longer do I feel Asian, Asian American, or American, I'm definitely not white, oh and all of a sudden I have this afinity towards black people. Not that I lived in some black ghetto and got shot 9 times a Fifty cent and Jay Z, but for some reason, I feel relatable to them through their music, but by far they and me in real life cannot connect.

I also recently saw this documentary about an Indian professor that was about to kill herself and about how she felt all alone. Then this class was saying that she had low self esteem and blah blah blah and i'm like, there is no way you could realize what went on in this women's head and how much her family and environment effected her, they did say family and environment were key, but they sounded like they were all knowing and i'm like, there is no way you can know, seriously. Also, it seems like my class glorifies the fact that they once struggled and now can sit in the classroom, or more like not "they," but more like their parents struggled extremely hard and now let them have this opportunity.

I don't get it about myself, that's why, it's not all knowing because I don't even know. I can't claim the struggle of others and feel the connection. I can't gloat with others about my success because I have none of my own. I am not the ghetto and I am not corporate America. I am not kept but I am not a beggar.

In no way can I feel the emotions of a daughter who helped her seamstress mother and in no way can I gloat about being 'daddy's little girl' and driving only MBs, but that may be part of my life, but I don't need to showcase that, just as I wouldn't want people to know how much is in my bank account. Also, I was reading an article on MSN about money and how if you're richer then your peers or even manage money better, your peers tend to baulk at you-which is entirely true, which is why I don't ever talk numbers and the farthest i'll go is saying it's 6 digits. That's all i'll say. Feeling sad now, and cranky at the same time. God, I hate fish sauce. Oh and when I say I feel sad, i'm truly like depressive sad, sometimes people do that little, i'm sad and that face, i'm like no, it wasn't because I spilled my frappucino, but rather, because these issues cannot be resolved today, or tomorrow, or possibly ever and I always question myself about head doctors and wonder if I should even though I vowed I had no problems that retail therapy could not resolve for me, and in a sense, it's like why even bother, I don't need people to judge me and analyze me and say oh I get it-but then it's like, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT? Because if you can't end world strife, then don't even go there.

2005-01-26T18:17:00.000-08:00

No. 275

Oh blogger it's been a while. I finally have some time, I am officially done with all my homework for this week-i'm lucky and plus there was less this week-kinda weird, but yea. I realized it's been almost a month since i've lasted blog. Oh and speaking of, it's also been like a month since I have done laundry. Yes, so I came back to school on January 3rd and I have not done laundry yet, and it's the 26th. I think I have to do laundry during the first week of Feb-maybe I can only do laundry once a month-that would be so nice. And no people, I have clean underwear and stuff-so I have not repeated anything unlike some boxer wearing boys I know. I also have enough clothes-technically, if I just bought like even more underwear, I'd never have to do laundry until like the summer time. Conservatively, I could just wash the underwear and towels and stuff, and not worry about the clothes until later-that's weird but at least I won't repeat an outfit. I don't mind putting the shit in, but I hate taking it out then having it all piled up and having to fold it-that is the ultimate annoyance.

Speaking of annoyances, Mariah is out with a new cd on March 22-she's not annoying, but why can't it be out now? And also, it's something like Return to Mimi or something, why isn't it one of her Titles like Charmbraclet, or Rainbow, why not one word Mariah? What's up with that and what's up with a black cover? I hope she changes it, it's noe some Greatest Hits thing so there needs to be pretty colors and a one word title for her cd.

Oh, I finally got most of my cds on to my ipod, so are burned cds with no titles and stuff-so I have to go and figure that out before I put them on, but oh yea and music on my computer is not on my ipod, but let me just say that i've got like 7 days and some 8 hours of music on my ipod-I think i'll be prepared forever-I mean it, FOREVER.

Oh yea, no resolutions, but i've put up some pictures in my school room-looks better and less hospital. I've also resorted to not vacuuming every other week-I really don't fucking care anymore, when it's dirty-as in I can see the dirt-we'll do something. I just a lazy girl now, whatever, I have more important things to do, like today, as in TV watching. I also realized how obssessed I am with tv, not the fact that some people get really riled up about school subjects, me even with political science-i'm like it's fate and it happens, next topic, but with tv, it's like a smile comes to my face and I just can't stop feeling a rush of euphoria for it, maybe one day i'll be working for some tv thing-not as in entertainment type thing, but just like adminstration wise or something, but hopefully it won't be a news show, like it had to be reality, but preferable sitcom. Oh the days of dreaming.

Anyways, i'm going to listen to some Mariah and just chill out oh yea, Will and Grace will be on soon...oh the reruns.

2004-12-31T01:17:00.000-08:00

No. 274

Blogger, i've missed you. I miss my SATC like moments as I write to you. Tis the time though, and this ending year has left me in a funk. I feel the urge to blog, but often was too lazy. My sleeping clock is out of wack because of my parents hiatus to a far off land where time is the opposite of US, therefore i've been going to bed at 2 and waking up at 11, how am I going to go to sleep at 11 and wake up at 9 during next quarter? I also realized, another relevation such as the beginning of an end of something. This year was the end of bad grades (hopefully, knock on wood), but the realization that I was homesick for 3 years. This also marks the year that I realized Christmas is over, in fact, it was over when I was like 5-8, when I could fully comprehend things-I realized Christmas was crap and dead to me, but I kept that facade going-just like I did about my not being homesick until this year. This year, I said to hell with it, Santa never gets me what I want and why exchange subtle pleasantries with Santa (aka whoever mom or dad would be writing my "be a good girl" note and giving me what I didn't ask for). Only has there been one Christmas that I recall what I wanted, and that's because I kept saying, "I want Winnie the Pooh, Santa should bring it to me" like fourty billion times, but then I got one with a sweater that says the year on it too-so in fact, Pooh wasn't timeless, I wanted one that was unbeknowst to what year I had acquired it, instead I got one marked by the year. The end of such shams, forget the holidays-it's really nothing, and plus, it just makes you spend more, especially the repressed shoppers. This year I gave myself presents, and I did it not like they are from a "special someone" meaning "me," but when I bought things online from myself, I giftwrapped and gave myself a card (if it was free). It felt good, getting myself something I wanted. I got some pretty good stuff though, a fox fur collar puffy jacket-I really wanted one, I got a really nice cashmere sweater-in gray which I hear if you wear all gray is slimming and not as moody as wearing all black, I got a Ugg purse, which I belive Uggs should be for your feet, so I promptly returned that and am thinking of a future purchase. Not sure what, but I also can't justify myself buying a Juicy bag either-probably because I believe they should only make sweats, but this year has been like a haze to me, I just go through the functions, and i'm happy. It's okay now that I don't talk to people all the time and try to interact, i'm happy going back to the uwhouse where it's quiet and the kitties greet me.

I want to address something wrong with us as humans. Free aid is something given out of a kind heart. The US has been attacked because "we didn't act that fast" WTF, isn't free aid not a requirement, but rather an act of kindness. No law, or shall I say, a law that is dutifully enacted says that you have to help others. People blame us for not acting fast enough-what the hell, you can never win. If we had a press conference and said at the beginning when it happened, we're working on it, they'd be like, what have you to show-u have nothing, u're not acting fast enough, when we do have a great deal of kindess, they pummel the adminstration for acting to slow, dear lord people, come on?!? Seriously, I mean, when I was thinking ok-poor people, unexpected, this shit happens, that why I tape everything down if I think it will break, sorry you didn't do the precautions, you couldn't anyways, but you could still have a aftermath plan right, but regardless, I was thinking, ok, US debt just went up, come on, we're fighting the war, we're in a semi slump-regardless of how many people hit the mall, I mean, not doing good here, and now we're giving out free aid or allocating aid that goes somewhere else to them, great, but I mean, what other countries are aiding either huh? Everyone else just says, "it's under control and being dealt with" yea right, like you can control that, no one even knows how many people were in a area at one time, and up until now, one area didn't even receive aid until today, and whose to blame, not the people living there or their governments, hell no, it's the US again, cuz the US is always the big bad person who is always to blame-give me a fucking break. It's time to turn the blame game into, "this is useless, let's get past this, and just try to pool ALL the resources of ALL countries and help out." Seriously, it's like a human thing to blame people, it's always to blame. Like Bush sucks as speeches and he's bad, but the Kerry does good in speeches, but is bad. In life, no one can win-ever, and I question why I always think of life as a game-cuz in the end, no one really wins, you all lose, cuz you die.

It's like the end of the year, and i'm speechless, it's like I have nothing to say not because I do not, but because I know that it will not help me, that it seems to create a better sense of knowing and belonging for me, instead, it just creates menial work. Therefore, I realize, i'm not making any resolutions-cuz it's always going to be in some form of more money, less body weight, and more materialism, so why even bother-cuz we all know, it's not going to happen. Also, I realized this while watching this Chinese movie about truth and dare, really stupid, but did have a good meaning. Anyways, moving on, less thinking, more living-even if it's not exciting living, really don't give a fuck. Slow long old year, give me a better year, I even got one of those prosperity dangly things to put up.

2004-12-15T19:32:00.000-08:00

No. 273

Oh, the quarter is over and I finally backed up my files. It feels great to be done, not to mention it's been so long since i've had blogger-I don't see how I could ever give it up-it's always there for me you dear blogger-and WTF the font is now different again,sheesh.

A few things...

I'm a lurker-I admit it, i'll peruse people's sites, xanga, livejournal, whatever, and just look up into their lives, even people I don't know, but have seen or somehow am interwined with. I realize, these people, fascinating, reason probably why I watch reality tv. Note to self: don't really like Heidi Klum, but love Project Runway, I think it's the voice, but Tyra seems more "real." Also, was watching the first episode of friends when Ross brings the monkey-so cute so cute. Ok, so on xanga-it seems like the whole asian population is on xanga and that's it. All i've really noticed about these are how they partied, how they shopped it up, and how they worked on cars. Great...also one girl whose saying lawyers make mad money when they come out and drive luxury vehicles and make $75,000. That's if: A. you're really good. B. if you're really good and like to live up to the limit. Like, for instance, I know this one man who has a bentley, sure, big dog right, but this man still has student loans, still has other loans, still has credit card debt-don't ask me how he can buy the big b, but it's possible in the land of American were you can have monthly payment plans for your computer and your rolex. Also, watching Vh1, loves it man, and how Tinkerbell Hilton is the Fabulous Fourty thing, hiliarous. But more so, to my point when I read these things, and also life in general. I've come to a whole new clarity-I realize I don't belong. I'm Chinese, but I don't think I belong to the "Chinese culture," I want to, but it doesn't mean others want me to, then of course i'm not white therefore I can't be American, it's just weird, it's like in this life, I have no belonging-and you search for it, and I have a feeling I'd never find it, there is no "integrated america." Also, on this one girl's diary thing, she's saying that her and this guy were talking about how asian girls do that whole angry bitch label wearing thing to appear mean because they're insecure and unconfident. Ok, partial reason, semi buy it, but then the guys like u girls only wear prada because it makes you feel like a rich bitch-partial reason, but it's something else in the culture, it's something deeper then that. It's like the reason why asians love to be ghetto fabulous and not country hick. Seriously, i've never encountered an Asian who was like, I love my country, more like Snoop Dogg and Pharell's new song is hot. Also, what's with the ipod-I get the ipod and now it's like the must have-it's like people are willing to each cock roaches for the ipod-it's 300 bucks, give me a break, like u'd have to get me a lifetime membership to marquis jets with no extra fees to be able to eat one coach roach and i'd eat the wing or something. But yea, I feel like I never belong-even at the grocery store. It's weird, also taking an Asian American class, realizing, you always try to blend in, like in Chinatown-i'm fob-no not really if you notice the subtles-but I wouldn't wear my hampton whites and plus sometimes it smells-not good combo, and in white america-i'm white, I admit it. I enjoy to speak perfect english, but I also enjoy my chinese food-a la dim sum-good dim sum and fresh made noodles. Sure, i'll eat the shark fin and the abalone-not to say it still tastes like chicken, but yea, also one time this young man whom I know asks me where good chinese food is-I tell them, since they're white, just go where you usually go-he's like, do you eat dog? I of course, being in white mode, brush it off, but I'm offended, but then i'm like this poor jetta driving metrosexual with a manly gf will never know what my life is like-like no one could tell him, i've eaten things worth more then his car, things that tell time is worth more then his car, the subtles of what I wear is worth more then his car-he'll never know, lots of people don't know and no i'm not wearing the victoria's secret diamond bra worth like some random million more, but yea, lots of people assume they're in fact, not real, and i'm like if you want to think that-great, then you won't ask me for money or mug me. Also, these things i'm "wearing" they are not that I got a boob job, but actual possessions-think Jay-Z's watch collection, but on a girly smaller baller level. I'm so lucky, this hasn't happened to me-knock on wood. But back on topic, i'm not angry and irate looking because i'm unconfident, I am sometimes angry, but I swear, it's in the Asianness of people, lots of girls look angry, but they aren't, seriously, trust me, i've encountered this, especially this one girl I see at school lots- angry all the time cuz of the bags under her eyes-makes her look cranky, but I think she naturally looks like that, and she could fix it if, she did the retinol eye cream and a lot more sleep, but also she could be angry, cuz she's really short. I sometimes appear angry, but in the sense more like suave angry like the Chinese mafia as I cruise in and out from classes. I can't help it, it's just me. Also, I know lots of people say that HK girls are ugly and bitchy-'tis true, but also, I mean, I don't know, either you look mean angry and bitchy or either you look sweet and pig tail like a la the asian girl in Clueless. I guess it's like most people notice the angry ones cuz you wanna say, what's up with her, cuz if u noticed a happy one-u'd just say, that one loves to go to school. Come on man, but yea, spent mad money this christmas...why do I keep saying "mad" and also speaking of Christmas...

An end of an era, christmas is dead to me. I realize this as I got into my comfy bed and pulled the duvet over my head that christmas is over, I don't feel compelled to decorate the freaking tree or get people gifts or write christmas cards. Not because i'm tired, trust me, had plenty of rest, but it seems like Christmas is over, this marks the death of christmas for me. With people dying around christmas, my grades hitting the all time low last christmas, being emotionally distraught every day, couldn't stop crying every day-but yet feeling that actress facade of that Mase song of nothing could faze him, yea, I mean, christmas is over, and in a sense it never really started. I mean, we're asian, we're not religious-why celebrate christmas. I never got what I wanted for christmas-except this year because I actually picked it out, but it wasn't from "santa." Also, my mother who divulges that she writes santa's letter to me, and plus, now since you can email santa-I really think it's over, but I still do remember the time when I sent santa a letter and got one back-way cool and the times in my old house were i'd look up into the chimney and seek if he was coming down or as I wake up and fresh snow was on the ground. Like, in my new house now, I always feel unsafe and someone is lurking around the property. It's weird, cuz i'm sure I could have died easier in my old house, but now, I'm in constant fear, I always fear someone will break it, kill me, or just do hate crimes, and no I don't live in the projects, but it's this weird sense, also cuz I don't go downstairs and just stay at the top level of my house all the time, like in the whole year, I probably only go down there likd 52 times, and that's taking into effect i have to do laundry down there, and if I did it every two weeks. It just freaks me out, like seriously you know when you have to do those bomb evacuation things at school, i'm like great, we're in a field and instead of a bomb, some random freak can come and gun us all down and it'd be no big deal. Also, since everyone has cell phones and usually talks on them and how all the teachers say yea, the phone could make teh bomb go off-it's like great, talking to mom's and bam, i'm dead cuz i was talking on the cell phone. FAB-U-LO-OUS. But, Christmas is dead to me, it's over, i'm thinking i'm just going to write a letter to Santa and say, stop coming ot the house and visit the other kids because this kid is too full of hatred, loss hope, and sadness for Santa to visit, and also other kids deserve it more, also, sent stuff to charity-made me feel good, and also sent stuff to people who could use it more then me, like 5 bags-made me feel good. Also, it kind of really didn't make a big dent in my closet-kind of scared...Watching America's Top Model now.

2004-11-22T23:37:00.000-08:00

No. 272

Oh Nostalgia hits at hte funniest times, like right now at 11:38 Picture this: in your car alone, blasting music-whatever grooves you, driving fast and furious-not really, but kinda thinking so, driving for only like 8 minutes-2 songs, pull into a parking spot, get out, walk towards the mecca of materialism, acheter tout le monde, drop it all in the trunk, drive off and back at home walking reruns of random shows on MTV. Those are the times I miss man, I miss the simplicity of HS, I miss the idea that I could look cute everyday while in college you just rock the sweats, or at least I do, because what's the point of getting it all together when you only have like 2 hour of classes or some days when you've got 5-so u've got to be comfy.

Ok, so also, reading that girl's journal and finding out she doesn't have a CL600, but in stead ia C230-crushed. Now, reading another journal-i'm really bored, find this guy, is Cantonese, went to HK over the summer and um...lovels the Burberry, like it's his main style and no one else should rock it and it's so much better then the fake Louis and Coach, ok...feeling this metrosexual ego vibe, OMG, feeling like this one time eating dim sum, finished, head to car, some random teens-two Chinese boys driving around their parents S class around the parking lot because they can't sit in the fucking restaurant like normal people-what the hell, if you have to drive around-can you at least drive it around the block, and please brothers, they have cell phones, when momma and dad need their car back they'll call. But anyways, so he's like saying Burberry is king-maybe in England, but I don't know, like it was this journal about bragging rights, like how he went to Bellevue Mall (Bellevue Square) and dropped 6 large and felt like a balla afterwards. Great, the wallet cost 400-ooohhhh, you've got a wallet-fabulous right, and he puts his 100s isn it but puts his 10s and 20s in his Dunhill. Ok, and he also says Asians pay with cash all the time, yea, when you buying something big-like a house, like if you bought a house for 500,000, then you best pay in cash, Asians should pay cash up to 1,000,000 and then i'd say get a loan so you get can the interest as a tax deductible, that goes for cars too-always pay for it all unless it's tax deductible interest wise, but come on, who freaking counts cash, like I say before, one out of eight twenty dollar bills have come in contact with the white powder-not sure you wanna be handling it, but then again, I really don't buy things under 20 bucks, usually the total is 19.99 and if it's jamba juice, after like spending the 19.99, it'll be like 21.something and i'll give them a 40, then i'll use the remaining 8 to get jamba and the rest is change lost somewhere in the bottom of my bag, but the kid is odd, more like it kind of makes me sad because now it's liek all ABCs are apparently like this, because he says it in like a "i am flossin" way, not in a blatant truth this is my life and that's it, but more like i'll rub it in your face. It's like my pet peeves, like Will and Grace and how Will and Karen don't like the word "ointment". I don't like the phrases: What does your dad do, oh really....wow you must be spoiled, what do you drive, and is that real. No, i'm not telling you what my dad does, and i'm not even commenting on how I am so spoiled and what I drive and if what you think is real and we're not talking boobs.

2004-11-21T23:11:00.000-08:00

No. 271

Ok, so many issues and so little time. I realize after reading the Native Speaker, I use this like like it's some sort of tool of therapy. It comes from not being able to explain situations of "my culture" and maybe more specifically "my background, my precedence" and it definitely comes from not being able to talk to people-more specifically, not being able to talk to people in person-also the font on this sucker is divine-don't know what it is, but it's great. Everytime I come on blogger there is something new. Blogger, you've always been there and even given me gifts-more specifically, being a better person and all that bullshit but also the material items of the coveted gmail account. My world of materialism and excess starts here...

Britney vs. Paris + a lil' Jessica

So, everyone refers to Britney as trailer trash and Paris is just trashy, but in reality, far different, while looking at random tabloid pictures, I realized, even though Paris is trashy for all the reasons that she is the heiress with the mostest is she looks nice-even though in juicy couture-at least she looks like she showers. Britney just looks dirty, like when she's out and a bout, she doesn't look like a pop star that is popin,' more like she's poopin' ...out that is. As for Jessica, over the weekend I had the opportunity to be at her birthday party-that is on MTV, it was called "Happy Birthday Jessica, Love Nick" cute, really, so much do they get for that, and a freak weather incident-give me a break, but even at the end, like her assistant CaCee or whatever her name is-did get a little teary eyed. Also, whose going to be picking up the dog poop and is that dog even real cuz it like doesn't even move, it was like, I feel so sad to be Jessica's dog or something, or maybe the fumes from the nail polish really got to her. The whole thing was cute, and Nick is not hot, but simply he's romantic, maybe he can be a real ass if you don't have cameras in front of him, but he tries to be romantic and it's just cute. Also, what was with the two Lachey brothers with matching suitcases? WHAT THE HELL METROSEXUALS? Like, does the mother just get them matching ones because she thinks they're cute?

Laci Peterson

So, didn't realize it was in San Mateo-have a special place in my heart for that place. Something is off kilter with the husband-anyone else get that drift?

Dan Rather

While watching news, it was pre Fallujah, Dan gets teary eyed as he sites one dead American in the war. Emotions reach the reporter-and a male, can't believe it, but at least he gets it, he's showing emotions. Sure, Americans getting killed-lowest number ever compared to pass wars, sad that they're over there and not fully equipped, like they're still meeting some 300,000 $250,000/per humvee and the like. I also love to see those Support Our Troop ribbons stuck on cars. I also find it ironic, a country is at war now has different connotations then it did before. We're told by the President we need tax cuts and to go out shopping to support our country and economy. Good-it works and i'm all for materialism america and one day when these short term benefits cease to become long term benefits, i'll have to pay like many other generation xers. It's true, all this spending like in Ronald Reagan's term has sent it to an age of what Peter Peterson has called "short-termitis" or as my computer like to correct it to become "short termites" either way it's still deadly. I'lll be paying my self worth for decades as the people of Ronald Reagan's term set the country in to debt that finally recovered 17 years later, how many year will it take this administration to stop making it's citizens pay, do they even care-deep down they do, we all know Bush got the cash but not that much, compared to the Ketchup Queen, but you know what, this war, this constant spending that drives America to excess and materialism, i'm happy for it as long as it makes my parents pay less because you know what, I rather I suffer then my parents. That's all I have to say.

Resignations

Colin, we call him COLE IN right, what if people didn't know and just called in CALL IN, as in Colin Firth, would he be so offended. I always wonder. Anyways, surprising but bringing new blood can be good, shocking to me at first, but I mean, everyone needs a break and definitely needs to stop the stressing and stop brining the gray hairs man.

Economy

Great to see it going, as I entered meccas of materialism aka shopping centers, I saw people with shopping carts laden with stuff, people carrying lots of bags. I know these people aren't buying it for themselves, it's this inituitve thing, like I know if are frontin' or not, most of the time, and I mean, it's good, I feel proud, I feel like our economy definitely needs a boost, but i'm also scared, because when are our troops coming back? When are foreign investors going to pull out of the US? Will there be a "hard landing" as predicted most likely by 70%? It's like, for some weird reason, I feel the worse has yet to come...a premenition and when it does come, it will not be pretty and in fact sad that we saw it coming for so long and did nothing about it, maybe it's coming really fast or maybe that threat is China's economy, even those most China analysts will say that the US will treat China like we want to treat it, but what if they're so big that it doesn't happen, how can you tell a country that exploits it's people for a few bucks, works them really hard for 12 hours days 6 days a week that they're not big, that they can't rule over us and that even though they stop importing stuff to us we'll be fine? How do you tell Americans that it will be ok, how do you tell China that we'll treat you like we'll treat you because our predigree was stronger in the past then it has in the last 1000 years.

2004 Black C230 Kompressor Mercedes Benz

Ok, so i'm reading this journal. This girl, intriguing life to me that is, very Laguna Beach but very ghetto fabulous at the same time, sort of the life I was living at a point or wanted, and I mean I don't know, it's fascinating. Korean, cute, long hair, materialism is Queen, works in beauty, and just full out rocks on and is in one of those medical fields for reasons that Asians understand. So, she gloats about how she drives a car that costs as much as a house? Distortion of my mind begins, so i'm thinking, ok, what Mercedes is it, this girl is amazing and good for her family right, she lives in Tacoma or was born there, ok, whatever, but she's always talking about buying tops and working and loving to do make up and how she won't go study or to an exam if she doesn't have makeup because she can't function. Reason: insecure and this inability to just not do it, like my toe and hand nails have not seen the light of day since like high school Freshman year. If I don't have polish on them-they feel naked, I think the longest i've gone without toe polish is one night after I took it off and the next day I raced to put more on-they just looked to naked. But anyways, getting back to the car, so really inflatuated with this girl and I mean I don't know, just intrigue of her, and then she finally says what Benz she has, she says something along the lines of I was going to get my car washed, but the line was long, so I just went to Bellevue Square. First off, who freaking takes their car to the Dealer to wash it-mega expensive and not even worth it, and also there's this great detail shop right behind them and you can look at other cars that are even better then the benz just as one time I think they even had a ferrari there-interesting, and also who gets their C car cleaned, like I understand if it's your S, but come on man. So, she has a black one, meaning black and white are the free colors, it's a 230, not a 240 so it has to have a Kompressor and if it's 4 door-it's just lame and has no pick up, you've got to at least go for the 240, the 320 is even better. Just like if you buy the benz, get the C320, the E430, and the S500. It's the only way to go, just like if you got the BMW, u'd get the 325, the 530, and the 735 or the 740 is better and if you wanted ot be a baller, then u'd go for the S55 AMG and the 760 IL. Yea, but so after learning this girl drives that, i'm kind of saddened cuz I thought she would be a true baller but she ain't no baller. And, how much does that car cost, like 35,000 max and if not more, i'm saying i'd buy it for 27-29,000 and that's pushing it u know, but I mean, how can someone buy a house for that much money? Where are houses that cheap unless you find them in central Washington and it's hard to fine unless it's a trailer? So, yea, tell me where you can fine one of those? Also, another captain of industry has purchased his first Bentley. Very proud of him, the second in my area, feeling good besides did he actually have to get a custom license plate-come on man. Yet to see the Rolls Royce Phantom, but then on one has drivers. Also, surprised to see that LandRover Jaguar also has Bentley and Rolls, glad to see it and will be even more glad when people purchase the Bentley GT, all for American excess.

American Excess and Materialism

I love American, and couldn't possibly live anywhere else. I love the freedom of getting as many napkins from McDonalds as I please. I love the freedom of being able to buy 20 different kinds of bagels, when in reality I only eat the plain. I love the idea that not only can I own just one pair of my favorite sweats, I have 4 pairs of the same sweat pants. I love the fact that I never have to carry coins and the only small bills I have are 20s. I love the fact that if I spend some random amount of 8 dollars I can put it on my credit card so I don't need to count out cash. I love the fact that people are friendly, say hello, and assist me promptly, except that one random time at Victoria's Secret where that person was of no help even though she kept wanting to help me, but regardless, I love how people smile even though they're being extorted and repressed. I love the idea that Americans can put more debt on their credit card and not feel bad about it. I love the idea of wide expanses of space, especially, I love see a full parking lot-indicator of a good economy, I love seeing people with tons of bags-indicator of booming economy. I love the idea that technology can be purchased so cheap. I can have a colored camera phone when all I need is the buttons 1-9 and a send and end button. I love the fac that I can have wireless mouses, internet, and keyboards. I love the fact that I can lounge on the couch and surf the internet. I lvoe the fact that I haven't been back to my culturally native country of China-Hong Kong for 11-12 years and yet I can watch their television-all 5 channels of it and feel a part of them even though i'll always be alienated by them. I love the fact that I live in a world of excess, where money buys you everything, but you can get it for free. The ultimate extortion and repression of the poor. I love the feeling of being an America, of driving my car at 40 mph on the left lane of two lanes, as cars whizz by on both sides in a 40 zone-we love to go fast, but not myself. I enjoy going the limit and I also enjoy taking up the "fast" lane and no one gets mad at me because they courteous. I also like how total strangers open doors for me, seat me promptly and let me go first in an intersection when clearly they were first. I love knowing that if I got to work, i'll be back at my house in 15 minutes, I love the fact that on the weekends I drive to the mall, I get a decent parking spot, no cars, and a leisurely day of excess and "HI, how are you let me know if you need anything my name is ________" I love it, I love getting jamba after a long day then coming back and clicking on the telly to see whose on. I love the feeling of excess and materalism, a high.

What I don't Like of anywhere even in America no matter how hard we say it doesn't exist or whatever you want to say about it.

Inequality. It's not far that someone makes measily duckets and works long hours for long days and I sit and watch telly. It's not fair that people experience racism and violence, while the only violent act upon myself is something flipping me ugly sign because he wanted to park on the right side-but I was using it for a road, he was in the wrong because the direction of his car would have made him park on his right side, not his left. Stupid Benz frat boy who have no respect-at least for me that is. It's not far that certain people have monopolies over certain industries. It's not fair that women are considered old when they hit 27. It's not fair that men look great when they're "graying." It's not fair that Jay-Z at 30 is retiring cuz he says it's a young man's game. It's not fair that we spend the most money in our health care system, but our outcomes are worse then other countries who spend less, specifically Canada, France, and the like. It's not fair that I live in such of an excess, i've got like 10 rubbermaid boxes full of clothes, and two closet fulls and some people walk around with holely clothing. It's not fair that I can get things really cheap and some people can't. Inequality...ahhhhhhh what can you say about it.

Places

I'm not coming some place this year. Not because I don't want to, or because I don't like to, but because it comes down to money and it's something that seems to send everyone into hysteria. Don't get me wrong, I love that stuff and you need. Ironic: so you work a 9-5 every day M-F to amass a small fortune so you can retire, so the monotmy of that job and people. they can handled it-ironic to me in life. Has anyone questioned the meaning of life when you work 9-5 in some meaningless job while the CEO makes a fortune and you sit back trying to figure out if you'll get a bonus or raise? Furthermore, people always ask me why I don't like going, well I can't pee while squating and also, you know what, it's not like I don't like going, but it's just too complicated to go into-money issues period. For instance, someone loves going there, so they go there often because a person lets them. My thing, you know what fuckers, I love doing certain things, like I love getting $1000 spa treatments, I would love to go to Fuji, owe a G5, and have a driver chauffeur me in a Range and have a dog that would love me always. I'd love to not clean for myself, always have meals for me ready, not do laundry and have people come pick up dry cleaning, i'd love to owe the entire collection of Vuitton and i'd love to buy Microsoft at 20 bucks too, but you know what, love ain't fair and tons of things I love to do I can't do. Like, each month, i'd love to go to the destination shown on Travel and Lesiure. Like, i'd love to wear Uggs and not get them dirty, I'd love love for Jamba Juice to deliver to my house while my pizza and movies are being delivered too. I'd love to go to the South for fried chicken, I wish the concord still went around the world, i'd love to sit front row at fashion shows and i'd wish I could do all those things and be everything, but everyone has limits, and you know what, sometimes those limit aren't fair, but speaking of limits. I can't go because of money issues and in reality, I don't care about going all that much-i'm lying to myself, only for the sole reason is that I would be there to honor an ancestor of mine who I owe all my excessive and materialistic behavior to. I never have met him, but I truly admire him and all that he has given his future generations including myself. So, without disgrace of me not being there, I believe I am the most grateful, because without his exploitation of people and his ability to become a captain of his industry in several continents and cities across the world map, I would not be here today bathing in my excess. For that, I am simply grateful and words cannot express my feelings and emotions. I am not going because the money issues pains my immediate family matters too much and is too overwhelming to them. I also have considered that everyone is going besides myself an I hope that the gods as well as my ancestors understand. I also don't agree how my ancestors have to pay for their meals when they stay there and also have to pay for their plane tickets there when we they all have jobs and can afford it because they are all millionaires over and over. I also am not going because I cannot help the people in my native country and I would feel helpless there, because I don't think it's fair when I go to the bathroom a women who could be my mother or my grandmother has to turn on the water for me and offer me a towel and I pay them the equilvalent of like less then a US dollar for their services. I also don't think it's fair when maids there work the whole day for a salary worth $500 bucks and my mother's bags cost like $1000 each. Someone mentioned that they hate to tip the doormen who open the door for you and the ladies in the bathroom and i'm saying, how much are you tipping them-it's like you can part with a few measly dollars, like u're not tipping them 20US dollars, so why feel so bad and we all know they don't work minimum wage and they make like minor minor untaxable US dollars because you need to work and get 7,000USD dollars to be able to actually be taxed. Yea, so the inequality in Hong Kong and China is unparallel to what I experience here. The expoitation of people is the ultimate excess, but something that I am not proud of and would not agree to, but happens an is related to my life only indirectly. Fine, it's directly, because I buy clothes from China and those people are exploited too, so yea, working to sew my shirts so I can wear them twice makes me feel no better then they do, but for that split moment when they get their paychecks and I get that feeling of wearing new clothes for the first time...that week...

2004-11-15T23:11:00.000-08:00

this is funny:
13 WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY
1. AT LUNCH TIME, SIT IN YOUR CAR WITH SUNGLASSES ON AND POINT A HAIRDRYER AT PASSING CARS. SEE IF THEY SLOW DOWN.

2. PAGE YOURSELF OVER THE INTERCOM. DON'T DISGUISE YOUR VOICE.

3. EVERYTIME SOMEONE ASKS YOU TO DO SOMETHING, ASK IF THEY WANT FRIES WITH THAT.

4. PUT YOUR GARABAGE CAN ON YOUR DESK AND LABEL IT "IN."

5. PUT DECAF IN THE COFFEE MAKER FOR 3 WEEKS. ONCE EVERYONE HAS GOTTEN OVER THEIR CAFFEINE ADDICITIONS, SWITCH TO EXPRESSO.

6. IN THE MEMO FIELD OF ALL YOUR CHECKS, WRITE "FOR SEXUAL FAVORS."

7. FINISH ALL YOUR SENTENCES WITH "IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE PROPHECY."

8.SPECIFY THAT YOUR DRIVE-THROUGH ORDER IS "TO GO."

9.GO TO A POETRY RECITAL AND ASK WHY THE POEMS DON'T RHYME.

10.PUT MOSQUITO NETTING AROUND YOUR WORK AREA AND PLAY TROPICAL SOUNDS ALL DAY.

11.FIVE DAYS IN ADVANCE, TELL YOUR FRIENDS YOU CAN'T ATTEND THEIR PARTY BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT IN THE MOOD.

12.HAVE YOUR CO-WORKERS ADDRESS YOU BY YOUR WRESTLING NAME, "ROCK HARD."

13.WHEN THE MONEY COMES OUT OF THE ATM, SCREAM "I WON!, I WON!"

2004-11-10T22:27:00.000-08:00

No. 270

Ok, so it seems like everytime I come back to blogger, it has changed. I don't even know when my last post was, I just flip to my site to make sure a. it was there, b. what no am I on.

Ok, while watching manhunt-I don't know, masculine feminine boys-not sure what to make, besides really intrigued and mega electrificied by hottie whose plays not being a model, but is, and he looks exactly like the other guy-yea, I don't know there names, but what's the point anyways...so

Arafat, America's Top Model, What's Been Going On?, Bush, Jessica and Nick, and whatever else I think about.

Arafat, ok, so he's nice or he's mean I don't know, not my generation and not me to judge cuz it don't affect me. Few things that stand out, Bush doesn't meet with him-I get how maybe you don't agree with that person-but I mean, like I don't really like Avril Lavigne that much, but I'd go and meet with her and see what she has to say isntead of turn her down you know, and i'd also tell her that who skater boi thing has happened to me and i'd say it in the same way she sings in in the song-I forget how but when I did before-everyone including me peed my pants. Also, yes, maybe dying is private and he doesn't want to tell the people who much he's suffering or maybe he can't because he can't even function people. Everyone's all irate because they don't know how he died and all the details, but i'm like, ok, one thing to celebrate happy things and post them all over the world, but another, when YOU'RE DYING. Also, I don't want people to come to my bed and either curse me for being mean or praise me for being good, come on, it's all about privacy. I mean, I saw the wife-kind of gold diggish, but you know what, if you have to sit for 14 days while your husband dies-I have nothing to say for that, that pain alone cannot express words, not only is someone close to you dying-but it's like a part of you has died-sorry to sound cliche, but maybe you'll experience it one days and if you don't, damn you are lucky. It's like when I hear of people's mom or dad dying and they themselves are like in their 40-50s, i'm like damn you're lucky, sorry they're dead, but you've gotten like 40-50 years with them man, i'm 20 and in constant fear of aging parents going to you know, and I mean, yea...which also brings me to the whole thing about when you're happy you poop lots, which clearly is another example I wasn't happy when in reality last year or so, i'd only go to the bathroom like 3 times a week, yea sad, minus sleeping, and retinol really doesn't help-you just trick yourself, just like St. John's Wort-well unless you take like 3 of those suckers-and i'm not sure you'll suppose to overdose on vitamins. I also take this multivitamin thing with performance-not viagra people, and I mean the only reason I take it, is so I can get good skin and more energy, like I care about saving my heart and stuff-people who take stuff to do that, i'm like you're going to die sooner or later, I just want to die when the time comes. Also, Arafat is into that whole we can't unplug you until you dead cuz you can't take me off of the machine cuz it's killing someone, so, he dies right, but there's this thing, they can choose to save you once the machine fails, but they do everything to do this no matter how much it hurts and they just jam things into you to make you function again, but I don't think they did that, cuz he was bleeding in the head-I mean, come on people, so yea, as for the machine whatever-I wouldn't unplug either, but I mean, I wouldn't keep on jamming stuff in when I knew it was hopeless.

America's Top Model

So, Tyra is on top? VH1 seems to think so, great, and whatever happened to her singing career-seriously thought it could have taken off if she went the club way. Also, Jin da MC, tried to get his LP at Target-didn't happen. Also Brit's new thing, serious computer imaging going on there and 3 songs-not sure it's worth it, but Joss Stone-wanna get it, when it's 9.99. Also, when Ja Rule is back, where's Mr. I Got Shot Nine Times, right half a dollar, where is he? Just a wondering?

Bush

So he wins, I live in a liberal state, weird, it really is, not that I support Bush or Kerry-imparial but do love those tax cuts Bush, but I mean, I look at young America and speak to them and they geniunely agree that they thought Kerry would win-like how do they thing this, and I mean they study political science. I mean, the power of persuasion and the ability to latch onto someone is amazing, and yea, how sad is it taht Edwards wife has Cancer, well, at least now they can you know, cope together. I'm not going into this whole Bush/Kerry thing cuz you know what, it ain't worth it and i've heard it a million times.

Jessica and Nick

Would he cheat, I don't know, there's some sort of bond. A. Nick gets too personal and can't say no to certain people. B. Tabloids need new stuff, cuz Mary Kate eating is not any fun. C. Really happening, Jess is a hot girl, but you know what, guys are weird, they need to sample it all-that's why they love buffets and anything with the word "sampler" on it.

What's Been Going On?

Feel oddly balanced, really, happy at my new school house. My rents house, room a mess, don't even want to deal, still have tons of clothes, meaning to get rid of, not happening, magazines being read-not happening. nothing is happening except eating and watching tv and even though I sometimes do break it out-reading on Sunday. Also, what is going on with America's youth-kids at the university library on a sunday at like 6. First off, why are you at the library? second, if you drove, why aren't you going home and having a calming dinner and night. Third, if you drive a lexus, shouldn't your house be really nice anyways, so why study in the ugly undergrad library. Yea, never understood it, I mean me, I don't ever touch foot in the library ever except to check email between classes now and I mean I only did it at the dorms cuz a. needed to get out, b. thought it was cool-but never on a sunday-who does that seriously. I did find where they keep the magazines though-so that's exciting. Also did lots of random shopping-I don't know, I feel a balance when on paper it doesn't quite look it-but strike that right.

Laguna Beach

Oh lord, am i like obsessed with this show. There's this one girl that reminds me of this one girl. It's so weird, I keep watching it and I can't stop, and I mean, i'll get up to watch it if I know it will be on in the morning-I'm mega weird, don't ask me, but mega intrigued. Stephen-hot not that hot. Trey is hot, and Talan aka hot. Also, ok, Gilmore Girls has a new Hottie as One Tree Hill has a new hottie-what is going on people. Also, The OC is back, so really dramatic, can't help to laugh when she starts drinking at 10 AM and does that whole tantrum and pool furniture into the water thing-hilarious as momma just looks on. Also, ipod...

Ipods are so prevalent, which makes me break down and want to get the 20GB. Feeling it-mega hot, loves it, but still unsure, like I want it so I can get accessories-like the LV IPOD case, how hot is that, speaking of Snoop Dogg and Pharrell's Drop It Like It's Hot, is hot, and Ashanti's new song-odd and what's with the whole hair tossing in video-just got the last part of it, weird, like 6 girls doing that girl up and down that, instant headache for you girls.

Not sure what to say, have maybe more, but can't think of any, but will focus on manhunt hotties now okayyyyyyyy.